I find it very much the same here in England. My husband was diagnosed with vas dementia/Alzheimer's in May this year. However I know he has had this longer I would say roughly late 2014 when I started noticing. He has no short term memory forgets in5 mins . His mobility is limited but won't have a wheelchair . He is very unreasonable & bad tempered I could go on forever , but a lot of these traits he had all our married life so really dementia has just been added to the mix. This is why I am now so resentful as I retired just a few years ago , I could just say tolerate my marriage as too busy with work . Then once I retired been together. 24/7 well not so good then the dementia omg. I wanted to travel enjoy life now all has come to a dramatic halt & as u say margherita what can we do. He by the way is coming up 83 he is 14 years older than me we have been married 34 years. As I have said on here there are so many of us in the same situation & it does get you down. Keep in touch nice talking too you . Btw what a lovely country to live. Take care. ..
Grumpy OH
- Thread starter Beads
- Start date
I find it very much the same here in England. My husband was diagnosed with vas dementia/Alzheimer's in May this year. However I know he has had this longer I would say roughly late 2014 when I started noticing. He has no short term memory forgets in5 mins . His mobility is limited but won't have a wheelchair . He is very unreasonable & bad tempered I could go on forever , but a lot of these traits he had all our married life so really dementia has just been added to the mix. This is why I am now so resentful as I retired just a few years ago , I could just say tolerate my marriage as too busy with work . Then once I retired been together. 24/7 well not so good then the dementia omg. I wanted to travel enjoy life now all has come to a dramatic halt & as u say margherita what can we do. He by the way is coming up 83 he is 14 years older than me we have been married 34 years. As I have said on here there are so many of us in the same situation & it does get you down. Keep in touch nice talking too you . Btw what a lovely country to live. Take care. ..
Hi all, just update on oh was at hospital yesterday to see consultant about his heart scan / ECG. Good news it has not changed much since last scan 3 years ago. Professor was well pleased with him & is advising o/h GP to reduce some of his medications. As I have said previous on top of his dementia he has AF. So I was really happy about that. Hope MIA56 you are ok not seen any posts for awhile. Keep smiling folks .
Hi Beads, so kind of you thinking of me!!!
Nothing new, here.
My husband would like to go on holiday in September.
The weather is usually good, above all in Southern Italy, and the water of the sea is warm
BUT I don't want to go anywhere with him.
He has always been fussy, fastidious, and plaintive.No adaptability to places, situations and people also when he did not have dementia,..let alone now.
Staying with him day and night is something I can't cope with.
He spoilt my last holidays and I'm not going to allow him to do it again.
I told him what I think. He seemed to have undersdood my point of view (which I obviously communicated to him in milder terms), but I'm sure he will persist in asking me to go on holiday, partly because of his character, partly because of forgetfulness
I'm happy about the news cocerning your husband's health.
If he is well (as far as his dementia can permit) you will have a bit more freedom
Beads, Margherita Mia, I have just read through your thread and although it is no comfort to any of us, I too am in the same boat. There seems a bit of a pattern here, in that my OH is also much older than me (17 years) and we too have been together 33 years.
My OH was never easy and the whole family have fiery tempers but the lack of being able to reason or apply logical thought makes the whole thing worse, and yes, at times unbearable. We did not get diagnosis until March this year, he is now 77 but looking back and with better knowledge I feel he has had a problem for more than 10 years. I still work 3 days a week but it is a struggle as he often wants me to stay home, but if I did he would either sleep or be mean to me so I do try to resist that. He takes Donepezil and Memantine, the latter of which has reduced unpleasant outbursts a bit. In our case too, his anger and spitefulness is directed at me and about me (so I have heard from friends and family) and he can be quite cheerful with others for a short space of time. As he refuses to accept he is ill, day centre is out of the question in his mind. I know in my heart that I will struggle on until I reach breaking point and then will have to ask Social Services for intervention but despite all of the above as he is, on the whole physically able, I don't want to push him away. Family and friends gradually stopped visiting because he has limited conversation when not bemoaning my shortcomings. I should also say that I too feel that my life has been stolen by this illness difference being that we as carers know it has whereas most of the time PWD doesn't
Anyway ramble over, we are all just doing the best we can with a very unpleasant disease.
And to echo other's thoughts, thank goodness for wine
My OH was never easy and the whole family have fiery tempers but the lack of being able to reason or apply logical thought makes the whole thing worse, and yes, at times unbearable. We did not get diagnosis until March this year, he is now 77 but looking back and with better knowledge I feel he has had a problem for more than 10 years. I still work 3 days a week but it is a struggle as he often wants me to stay home, but if I did he would either sleep or be mean to me so I do try to resist that. He takes Donepezil and Memantine, the latter of which has reduced unpleasant outbursts a bit. In our case too, his anger and spitefulness is directed at me and about me (so I have heard from friends and family) and he can be quite cheerful with others for a short space of time. As he refuses to accept he is ill, day centre is out of the question in his mind. I know in my heart that I will struggle on until I reach breaking point and then will have to ask Social Services for intervention but despite all of the above as he is, on the whole physically able, I don't want to push him away. Family and friends gradually stopped visiting because he has limited conversation when not bemoaning my shortcomings. I should also say that I too feel that my life has been stolen by this illness difference being that we as carers know it has whereas most of the time PWD doesn't
Anyway ramble over, we are all just doing the best we can with a very unpleasant disease.
And to echo other's thoughts, thank goodness for wine
Hi MIA56, nice to hear from you glad u well & OH is calmer That is brilliant makes life a bit easier. That sounds great you moving nearer family then you will get more support I am pleased for you & into a new build even better Mia, nothing to do but put your furniture in & titivate fantastic great news. Well I decided I am gonna take the risk & go on holiday with OH & family . Just going to Spain few days after Xmas for a week. Was thinking it could be his last time abroad so go for it. Hope you enjoyed your coffee & lovely biscuit . Hope your house soon sells & all goes smoothly for you. Keep in touch .
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Hope you do not mind me jumping back into this conversation. Mia, I was so interested to read about your decision to move nearer to relatives. I made the same decision for us, just this week. Had the estate agent round and will be moving up north from London. A gigantic step for me but this area holds nothing for me now and the dementia support is not good. Have been feeling a great weight of responsibility and worrying if I am doing the right thing since making the decision and telling family. Seems an enormous task moving with an Alzheimer's sufferer but my OH is not really affected by his surroundings so hopefully as long as I am around it should be OK. Unlike you I think this will be my last move so taking my time to find somewhere we can both live now and probably where I will live on my own in a few years. Will follow your move with interest.
Hi MIA, I can understand you enjoying the planning because for awhile it takes your mind off of the horrible disease. So pleased for you & that's even better that your granddaughter can help will ease the burden a little. Definitely the right thing to do I am really excited for you. You will have to keep in touch with all that is happening when u get the chance. It's gonna be a busy time for you but all worth it. .....
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Hi margherita, nice to hear from you. I can understand you feeling that way & not wanting to go on holiday with him, as I felt the same as you . However because family are going as well I think I just might be able to cope with it. From one day to the next my emotions are all over the place. First I was going on my own with family then I was taking him then I would change it again. It's true what's said on here that the carers suffer as well as some days I really feel as though I'm living someone else's life as I get so stressed. I only hope I am doing the right thing. Anyway it is a long way off & we all know that dementia takes so many different turns only hope he stays as he is at moment. I was pleased with consultation however I don't think it will free me up any . As he is such a moody person if I go out . The joys of wish it were all so different. Keep in touch margherita . Take good care of yourself & be strong . X
Hi SoAlone, all you have written as you say is very much like myself margherita & MIA situation. I empathise with you no easy at all. However you do right still working part time you stick to your guns & continue. It gets you out & away from your OH for a few hours because it does get the carers down. As I have said & others I feel robbed of my retirement plans like yourself OH has always had most of the traits of unreasonable possessive unpleasant OH so many . Only now plus dementia & in denial it's a road I never thought I would have to take. So I must admit on my part I do some days feel so resentful can't help myself. Ramble as much as you like SoAlone we all have our rants & feel a little better after. Your name is so appropriate as that is how a lot of us feel. Keep in touch as we must stick together as we so much alike in our lives. ...Beads, Margherita Mia, I have just read through your thread and although it is no comfort to any of us, I too am in the same boat. There seems a bit of a pattern here, in that my OH is also much older than me (17 years) and we too have been together 33 years.
My OH was never easy and the whole family have fiery tempers but the lack of being able to reason or apply logical thought makes the whole thing worse, and yes, at times unbearable. We did not get diagnosis until March this year, he is now 77 but looking back and with better knowledge I feel he has had a problem for more than 10 years. I still work 3 days a week but it is a struggle as he often wants me to stay home, but if I did he would either sleep or be mean to me so I do try to resist that. He takes Donepezil and Memantine, the latter of which has reduced unpleasant outbursts a bit. In our case too, his anger and spitefulness is directed at me and about me (so I have heard from friends and family) and he can be quite cheerful with others for a short space of time. As he refuses to accept he is ill, day centre is out of the question in his mind. I know in my heart that I will struggle on until I reach breaking point and then will have to ask Social Services for intervention but despite all of the above as he is, on the whole physically able, I don't want to push him away. Family and friends gradually stopped visiting because he has limited conversation when not bemoaning my shortcomings. I should also say that I too feel that my life has been stolen by this illness difference being that we as carers know it has whereas most of the time PWD doesn't
Anyway ramble over, we are all just doing the best we can with a very unpleasant disease.
And to echo other's thoughts, thank goodness for wine
If you are not alone with your husband, it might be a nice holiday.
I love Spain.
Where in Spain will you go ?
Going to Canary Islands Lanzorote margherita. Yes I know otherwise it would be just like been at home only with sun. ....
OH MIA56, I am so sorry you have had a horrible day with OH. You just can't predict can you everyday there is something different. I know what u mean you just give up in the end & they win again because you are stuck in the house with them . Plus your so angry like me you just keep doing housework so as not to sit about & ponder. Oh how I wish like you we had different lives. I hope as I write this you feel a little better, & tomorrow is another day & hopefully much better. Keep in touch my friend of you. ...
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Excuse me jumping in here, but have just been catching up a bit with past messages etc, and ended up here....
Many of the frustrations mentioned were mine at one time, angry husband, lashing out more and more after a marriage in which I had to work hard to keep the peace. Well, now we are further down the line on the Dementia Trail, and his anger has all but evaporated. Now he's simply a needy old man, more like a child, trusting everyone to help him, especially me. Onlookers smile and say how sweet that he loves you so much...little do they know...
So, things change. I miss the jokes we shared, the good times, and the bad moments have faded..in the end, I think we are given an extra share of compassion...And a sort of peace...
Just thought I'd mention it....
Many of the frustrations mentioned were mine at one time, angry husband, lashing out more and more after a marriage in which I had to work hard to keep the peace. Well, now we are further down the line on the Dementia Trail, and his anger has all but evaporated. Now he's simply a needy old man, more like a child, trusting everyone to help him, especially me. Onlookers smile and say how sweet that he loves you so much...little do they know...
So, things change. I miss the jokes we shared, the good times, and the bad moments have faded..in the end, I think we are given an extra share of compassion...And a sort of peace...
Just thought I'd mention it....
What a HUGE decision! I hope it works out, and your relatives can help ease the burden...you can build a new life in a place where you hope to remain... Wishing you all the best....
Thanks Mia and Raggedy Anne. It helps to know there are others out there who understand. Haven't put house on market yet as waiting for builders to redo something. I am on a promise for next week! I too am looking for a property with two bathrooms because I expect to have visitors staying. Two bathrooms - get me - shared a toilet back in the 50s. Only one property in chosen destination fits the bill at present. I have a very specific list of requirements and am determined not to compromise (at the moment). Have not been in this house long but what a lot of rubbish I have accumulated. Ten trips to the local tip in a fortnight, and that is only sheds and garage.
My OH has never really got angry, in fact he has never tried to fight the Alzheimer's at all. By fight I mean make notes or try to understand what is going on. He seems to have just faded and is very accepting of what is happening. Me on the other hand - ball of anger.
We have an assessment for a clinical trial tomorrow. I greatly fear he will not be eligible - too far along the Alzheimer's trail. Hopefully I am wrong.
My OH has never really got angry, in fact he has never tried to fight the Alzheimer's at all. By fight I mean make notes or try to understand what is going on. He seems to have just faded and is very accepting of what is happening. Me on the other hand - ball of anger.
We have an assessment for a clinical trial tomorrow. I greatly fear he will not be eligible - too far along the Alzheimer's trail. Hopefully I am wrong.
Feeling rather sad. Went for an assessment for clinical trial but OH only scored 11 (needed to be over 20). Feel vindicated in one way because I have been saying he is deteriorating but everyone has disagreed. However, even I was shocked at such a low score which puts him into severe category. Hope I can get this move sorted without disturbing him too much and he can spend a little more time with his grandchildren. Think interviewer was shocked that I had never known a score and that he had not been seen or tested for nearly three years. As I said dementia support is so poor in this area.
I too have to deal with the showering problem. OH is always prepared to shave (sometimes far too early in the morning) but often dresses and claims to have showered. Will agree he has not when shown the dry shower cublicle. So every morning I supervise, pointing out shower gel, then shampoo and ensuring some deodorant is used. I tend to hang about in bathroom, cleaning my face and teeth observing via mirror. Then providing clean underwear. This sounds very organised and calm but there is always an undercurrent of bad feeling. Then have to start all over again for myself. Feel like I am living two lives.
I too have to deal with the showering problem. OH is always prepared to shave (sometimes far too early in the morning) but often dresses and claims to have showered. Will agree he has not when shown the dry shower cublicle. So every morning I supervise, pointing out shower gel, then shampoo and ensuring some deodorant is used. I tend to hang about in bathroom, cleaning my face and teeth observing via mirror. Then providing clean underwear. This sounds very organised and calm but there is always an undercurrent of bad feeling. Then have to start all over again for myself. Feel like I am living two lives.
Hi MIA56 margherita &SoAlone hope you all well, I've not posted for awhile been busy have another granddaughter my daughter had her Thursday last. Both are fine I'm over the moon with excitement. MIA how's your grandson hope he still improving. Your stepdaughter as you say needs to have your life for awhile like you said welcome to my world. I have a stepdaughter that never bothers with her dad my OH . how's the moving coming on hope all going well, & margherita how's things going with OH . I think With OH getting good news about his AF I might have been over ambitious in saying I was going to take him on holiday to Spain . I am at the moment changing my mind even though I have paid deposit for him. It's just that he has one good day & I tend to base it on that . That he will be ok & I know fine well he really won't be able to cope & me neither with him. So at the minute I'm thinking no he will have to stop at home & I will get carers in. Took him out today for ride just the repetitiveness gets you down & driving around never been able to park up & get out for a walk as his mobility today is worse. Still won't hear of the wheelchair, the lady from the hospital keeps ringing when can she come out to show him how to work it which we already know. However I keep putting her off by saying he is in denial & wont even hear of it. Yet when she was here asseccing him he was all hunky dory about it. One mode for visitors & misery for carers. Sorry about rant . Sick of today & tomorrow I know won't be any different. Still I've got my beautiful grandchildren to make me smile. Hope to hear from all. ...
