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Goodbye and Hello

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,717
Yorkshire
🤗🤗🤗hugs for you @Woo2 x No wonder you are feeling low as @Bikerbeth says you are worried about your mum and it never stops.
There’s always things cropping up that are bit different to worry about too and there isn’t enough help to tell us when it is something to really worry about or not. Like your mums leg and her sleeping more and the day to day care is hard enough already.
Even when your mums at DC the worry is still there, is she ok, how will she be when I get her up to go, how will she be when she comes home, how will tomorrow be and all of tomorrows tomorrows. Its only a temporary lifting of the physical being there for her and while its a break it doesn’t stop the constant emotional being there and the being responsible for someone. It is a break but not always long enough.
I think I should be finding things so much easier now mum has carers and I’m staying at home on a night and sometimes it is, but I am still a mess of worry and all sorts of other emotions and I still struggle and feel overwhelmed most of the time. Hubby says it’s cos it all builds up and by the the time we started with carers I was already exhausted and on the edge emotionally, they have helped me not fall over the edge but I still feel like I’m there teetering.
I think maybe DC is the same for you it’s helping a bit but not enough. I hope new carer adds more help and pulls you back a bit further from the edge.Is it this week she is starting?
If its not enough don’t bottle it up, don’t be afraid to say.
I think you have done your mum and dad very proud looking after your mum so well for so long. You have done your very best for your mum and have done it so so well, don’t be afraid to say I can’t do this anymore we need to try something different. You are only one person, even though you are a superwoman but one person isn’t enough forever.
Also you matter too.
I hope your mum went to DC ok today and her leg heals soon. Maybe you could send a pic to DR or show chemist to see if can get something for it to speed up healing and stop it if any infection .
Probably a silly suggestion but re the constant bleaching have you tried using zoflora fragranced disinfectant instead of bleach? Maybe if house has to smell of cleaner, one that has a nicer smell might help with the smell part, even though it doesn’t help with the constant Cleaning up.
I’m adding more hugs 🤗🤗🤗 please keep talking and letting out x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Unfortunately I think it is because it is relentless and you have not really had a break from it. You are also worried about your Mum’s leg understandably and your Mum is declining. Add on the stress generally of COVID-19 and it makes it tough however positive you are. So pleased you could have an open chat with hubby, that must help. 🤗🤗🤗
Thank you , it did help , he was very shocked and instantly went in to action mode and planning what we need to do , we are pinning a lot of the new carer so I hope she works out well . Appreciate the hugs and listening/ replying 🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
We had a good chat last night and I told him how low I feel , I never tell anyone how I’m really feeling , I just pretend everything is ok .i do always bounce back and never feel down for long but It’s taking me longer to, he doesn’t think mum is at the stage where she needs a home yet unless I decide I have come to the end of the road .i am pretty close to it , although the guilt monster is in my ear . Why is it that during lockdown I was ok but now she goes to day centre 2 days I feel worse ?!
It’s stupid things like cleaning /bleaching the bathroom umpteen times a day , my house smelling yuk despite lots of candles and plus in’s , the lack of please and thank you , all stupid pointless small reasons to get wound up over We will see how the new carer goes and hope we can get away for a night sometime soon .
@Woo2
3 weeks ago I reached the end of the road and rang our social worker and told her that I could not continue any longer, I have known that this day was coming for a long time and had been hoping that it would not happen while we are in the coronavirus crisis. Now the decision has been made and the wheels are in motion I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me. The guilt monster is hovering but I keep telling it to shove off.
[/QUOTE]
I’m so glad you feel better now the decision is made . I feel that way and then the next day / hour I feel better . It’s the balance I cannot strike , I want to be able to take my daughters out for the day , away for a weekend like we used to , but I just can’t leave mum I feel so guilty , it’s like having a small child I feel I am abandoning, husband just cannot understand that and says I must leave her to do my own things occasionally . She is hugely dependent on me , I was silly by not getting her used to other people earlier . You have cared for your mum for a long time , I have only done part time for a year and half and living with me almost 18 months so only 3 years . Thank you for your wise words, much appreciated .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Hi @Woo2, have you actually got a care home in mind? Even if you have it might take a while for things to be sorted so your mum could move, so now might be the time to be looking at places and putting her name down. You can always ask to stay on the waiting list if you decide the time isn't right. Personally it sounds to me as though you are getting very close to the edge, and it wont take much to fall off.
I hope your mum's leg is better today and that she enjoys Day Care (if you can get her up for it).
Thanks @Sarasa , I am teetering but feel so much better today , think chatting to oh helped , a problem shared and all that . He is happy to take mum to home when time comes . We are going to see how much time we can get from carer and re evaluate in a few weeks . Mum is so placid and easy really so I shouldn’t feel so annoyed , it’s really the not doing anything with our daughters , feel torn between keeping their life normal and doing things with them and keeping mum happy . I have found a couple of homes that I like the look of , would want to have a physical look but if push comes to shove I would be happy for her to go . I have enquired at a nice place about respite , I will look more closely and narrow them down and put her name on their list. Thank you for reading and responding to my late night whinge .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
🤗🤗🤗hugs for you @Woo2 x No wonder you are feeling low as @Bikerbeth says you are worried about your mum and it never stops.
There’s always things cropping up that are bit different to worry about too and there isn’t enough help to tell us when it is something to really worry about or not. Like your mums leg and her sleeping more and the day to day care is hard enough already.
Even when your mums at DC the worry is still there, is she ok, how will she be when I get her up to go, how will she be when she comes home, how will tomorrow be and all of tomorrows tomorrows. Its only a temporary lifting of the physical being there for her and while its a break it doesn’t stop the constant emotional being there and the being responsible for someone. It is a break but not always long enough.
I think I should be finding things so much easier now mum has carers and I’m staying at home on a night and sometimes it is, but I am still a mess of worry and all sorts of other emotions and I still struggle and feel overwhelmed most of the time. Hubby says it’s cos it all builds up and by the the time we started with carers I was already exhausted and on the edge emotionally, they have helped me not fall over the edge but I still feel like I’m there teetering.
I think maybe DC is the same for you it’s helping a bit but not enough. I hope new carer adds more help and pulls you back a bit further from the edge.Is it this week she is starting?
If its not enough don’t bottle it up, don’t be afraid to say.
I think you have done your mum and dad very proud looking after your mum so well for so long. You have done your very best for your mum and have done it so so well, don’t be afraid to say I can’t do this anymore we need to try something different. You are only one person, even though you are a superwoman but one person isn’t enough forever.
Also you matter too.
I hope your mum went to DC ok today and her leg heals soon. Maybe you could send a pic to DR or show chemist to see if can get something for it to speed up healing and stop it if any infection .
Probably a silly suggestion but re the constant bleaching have you tried using zoflora fragranced disinfectant instead of bleach? Maybe if house has to smell of cleaner, one that has a nicer smell might help with the smell part, even though it doesn’t help with the constant Cleaning up.
I’m adding more hugs 🤗🤗🤗 please keep talking and letting out x
@annielou you are amazing , you are completely in the thick of it too and still help me and send words of encouragement and good ideas , thank you and for the hugs 🤗 🤗 Zoflora an excellent idea , I have some in the kitchen cupboard . Her leg is better today , I must admit I did panic a little , imaging gangrene and amputation ! I’m not a natural worrier but more blase usually ,different with mum . Hubby is calm and wise so got him to come and look at it. It is overwhelming for sure , a job we take on with no training . Rang a close cousin last night for a chat and he was shocked that mums new carer had no dementia training, (her mum is in a home with it and she had her mum for a week at a time a couple of times a year) I laughed and said well what training did I have ! Just learn on the job😂:rolleyes:. Glad carers have helped you but they are only there for such a short time and as you say the worry is there constantly . I was feeling a little sorry for myself last night and put down on here what I wouldn’t normally even let out of my head . I feel ok today . Thanks again❤ x
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,643
Bedford
Glad you are feeling ok again today ........ but you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself too sometimes (as is Annielou)
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Mum went off ok to Club today , her leg was completely closed up and looking great , went to collect her , lady came out to say mums leg was weeping and in future she can’t go if it’s not covered . I said it was closed this morning as I had checked and she must of caught it while there , sure enough the whole flap of skin (About size of a 50p is missing :(, have left it uncovered tonight as I don’t want to trap the muck inside but need to let it come out , but obviously will have to cover it when she next goes . Can see this is not going to heal well as if it’s open to dry up she will pick /catch it , if it’s covered it will take longer to scab over . She was ok though, had dinner and went to her room at 7.30pm , I left her for 20 mins then went in and helped her put pj’s on or she will sleep in underwear , came out this morning in just them and poor hubby nearly fled.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,717
Yorkshire
Oh what a shame about your mums leg. Another thing for you to sort out and think about. 😟 Hopefully in the few days before next DC it will heal up a bit more and then if you have to cover it while your mum is there it won't be trapping anything in it or slowing down healing process too much 🤞 I don't know if it works or can be used on blood blisters but would something like savlon healing gel help? It does sting when you put it on but takes a bit of the pain away after it soaks in which might stop your mum noticing it as much and maybe stop her picking it if she has been doing.
Glad to hear she went ok this morning and apart from leg seems to have had ok day. Hope you took some time for you while mum was out x Bet hubby's glad you saved him from another morning of your mum in her undies bless him x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
I will have a look at that thanks @annielou :) Have just been putting Savlon antiseptic cream on. I don’t want her to be at DC with an open wound either , that’s why it was covered when open , will just have to see how it goes over next couple of days . Mum decided to go in bathroom just as hubby was going in for his shower this morning , she had been to the loo (not a wee) and left all the used toilet roll on side of bath and toilet not flushed , so he found it instead of me:( he didn’t have time for a shower so he has gone off to work not a happy bunny this morning . Mum is away with the fairies already .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,717
Yorkshire
Poor hubby not best start to his day 😟 and more cleaning for you, and not best start for you either. 🤗 Some mornings you just want to press reset and start again with a better day, trouble is with dementia in the mix there's rarely many that's much better. Hope your day gets better 🤞🤗🤗🤗
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Thanks @Bikerbeth , mum went back to bed at 9.30 until 1pm then got up in a mood , had lunch and a drink then went back in and only appeared as I dished dinner up, had that then went off again while I was loading dishwasher :( So haven’t seen much of her . Carer has text for some info on mums interests , my reply ...... food 😂, did fill her in on the rest and all set for tom morning:)🤞. How’s things with you ?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,643
Bedford
I hope you managed to do something productive or relaxing to do yesterday whilst your Mum was in her room.
I also have my fingers crossed that the Carer visit went well today
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Hi @annielou , @Bikerbeth :) It went great👍she is lovely ,mum was in her room faffing so she went in and introduced herself as my friend and encouraged mum out and in to garden, she sat next to her and was attentive , asking gentle questions , Mum was answering a load of tosh but was laughing away , while I made lunch she took mum for a stroll around the garden looking at the flowers , couldn’t believe how well it went . She is happy to be left alone with mum now so said as soon as I’m comfortable away we go . She is coming sun week as Mums birthday day next week and have a few things on , but we are going out for a couple of hours and leaving them to it . Feel so much brighter and happier today. Thank you both:) hope you both had ok days , will read your threads and catch up .
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Early days but feels good so far , thanks @Just me , I never thought my instincts were up to much but maybe as I get older some of them are ok :)
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,717
Yorkshire
That's such a relief @Woo2 I'm so glad it went well, was thinking about you today and hoping it went well. The carer sounds really nice and right sort of personality for your mum, you did well 👍🤗 Bet it was lovely to hear your mum chatting and laughing with her :)