Feeling sad and guilty
- Thread starter GillP
- Start date
First of all I would like to thank you for your kindness and for supporting me through this awful time. Your words of support have meant so much.
Overall good and bad days continue but I am trying to work through things. I am on a waiting list for Cruse counselling and joined an online group for widowed people.
All of this has surprised e. I normally just get on with it and have never thought of myself as someone who would need counselling but ...
I met up with a couple of women who live relatively near me for a coffee. They are members of the widows on line group. It was ok but I don’t think it’s for me . The only thing we have in common is that we lost our husbands, although they are much further down the line than I am having been widowed for over 10 years. I think it was this aspect that made me wonder why I was meeting them. A strange one and a bit forced. I may go again but the jury’s out.
May has always been a joyous time - both our birthdays and our first date anniversary plus several other family and friend birthdays. This year, well, I’ve tried to find some joy: the memories make me smile and shed a tear.
Early days. But I am looking forward. Just wish I could decide whether to move back north, stay put or sell this house and buy a smaller property near here. No hurry but I just seem to be so indecisive. A decision we would have made together but that’s just reminded me that we had agreed many years ago that this home was too big for just one person, truth be known it was too big for two!
Overall good and bad days continue but I am trying to work through things. I am on a waiting list for Cruse counselling and joined an online group for widowed people.
All of this has surprised e. I normally just get on with it and have never thought of myself as someone who would need counselling but ...
I met up with a couple of women who live relatively near me for a coffee. They are members of the widows on line group. It was ok but I don’t think it’s for me . The only thing we have in common is that we lost our husbands, although they are much further down the line than I am having been widowed for over 10 years. I think it was this aspect that made me wonder why I was meeting them. A strange one and a bit forced. I may go again but the jury’s out.
May has always been a joyous time - both our birthdays and our first date anniversary plus several other family and friend birthdays. This year, well, I’ve tried to find some joy: the memories make me smile and shed a tear.
Early days. But I am looking forward. Just wish I could decide whether to move back north, stay put or sell this house and buy a smaller property near here. No hurry but I just seem to be so indecisive. A decision we would have made together but that’s just reminded me that we had agreed many years ago that this home was too big for just one person, truth be known it was too big for two!
Being widowed takes some big adjustments @GillP and I`m sure it`s too soon to make important decisions.
I think it would be fine for you to move if you and your husband had been considering it before he became ill but choice of location is a different matter.
I think it will depend on what you have where you are and what you might return to after X number of years.
For now, I`d sit tight.
I doubt counselling can do any harm. It might help you collect your thoughts.
Don`t try too hard. Losing a husband takes some coming to terms with.
I think it would be fine for you to move if you and your husband had been considering it before he became ill but choice of location is a different matter.
I think it will depend on what you have where you are and what you might return to after X number of years.
For now, I`d sit tight.
I doubt counselling can do any harm. It might help you collect your thoughts.
Don`t try too hard. Losing a husband takes some coming to terms with.
Before my dad died mum and he were planning on moving (this was long before dementia). I was actually quite concerned because it was a remote location and mum did not drive so would have been dependant on dad driving. In the event he died before they moved.
Mum was left in a quandary wondering whether to continue to move or pull out. A friend (also widowed) advised her not to make any big decisions for a year, so mum pulled out of the move. After a year she could see everything more clearly and realised that it would have been awful if she had gone ahead with the move.
Im not saying that you would move somewhere inappropriate, just that the advice mum was given was good and everything became clearer. At the moment your raw grief is clouding everything. You dont have to make that decision yet.
My partner died December last year. I am not making any plans yet but know I will eventually move as my home is too large for me on my own in fact same as you was really too big for two. I think we will realise when is best time to make such decisions definitely not right for me now. I also am awaiting some counselling.
Before making a move 'back' to somewhere you have lived before I think that you have to make as realistic an appraisal as you can about what your social life is going to be like. Friends and family are likely to have different lives to the ones they had when you lived near them and you won't be slotting into the space which you left when you moved. Even if they have retired they may be busy looking after grandchildren or elderly relatives, travel a lot or spend time at a home abroad. An old friend whom you expect to see once a week may in fact only be available once a month.
Thank you for your considered advice, @Grannie G , @canary ,@Wildflowerlady and @Violet Jane . As always I value your thoughts and they have helped me make a decision! I know I should not make big decisions at the moment and so I am staying here. I will use time to catch up with maintenance both of the house and me!
I also think that counselling could help, I just need to be more open don’t I. Which leads me to the final thing. I will meet up with the women from the widowed group. It was different, made me think and I do need to meet people. I should not cut them off so easily. I am sure that we will have much to share and talk about. Initially I found it strange because their husbands had not suffered with dementia, they had not been Carers and their loss was not new (why I thought that was a concern is beyond me, I must have been having a moment) . Grief is grief and if we can make a difference then that’s got to be for the good.
I also think that counselling could help, I just need to be more open don’t I. Which leads me to the final thing. I will meet up with the women from the widowed group. It was different, made me think and I do need to meet people. I should not cut them off so easily. I am sure that we will have much to share and talk about. Initially I found it strange because their husbands had not suffered with dementia, they had not been Carers and their loss was not new (why I thought that was a concern is beyond me, I must have been having a moment) . Grief is grief and if we can make a difference then that’s got to be for the good.
Difficult days have floored me. A few weeks ago my ex boss died. He had an inoperable brain tumour. My late husband and I met up with him and his late wife on holiday and for the odd meal out. The last time I saw him was at my husband’s funeral. He died exactly six months after my husband. There will be a celebration of his life in a few weeks time. I know I should go and I want to but i’m Not sure I can deal with it.
Then my good neighbour,83, has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. I offered to take him to his hospital suitability for anaesthesia appointment. He rang me the evening before worried because he thought he’d overslept. He was 12 hours early! I realised he was confused and then he told me he had been trembling for 20 minutes. I suggested we phone 111 or that I’d take him to A&E. He declined both because he said he’d tell them at his appointment. Needless to say I barely slept. I took him for his appointment and after 5 minutes a nurse came out and beckoned me to another room where she told me his temperature had dropped and he was shaking. The consultant postponed the assessment and got a nurse to take him to A & E. We were seen straightaway and, as suspected, he had a UTI and signs of sepsis. He was discharged after 5 days, most of which saw him confused and delusional. Shockingly, he came home with a catheter and no one had shown him how to manage it. Another neighbour got involved over this.
Yesterday I called in with some shopping. Whilst I was there he had a call from a dr. Scan done in hospital showed a possible pulmonary embolism. He was asked to go to hospital immediately. I took him and we waited 5 hours to be told new scan results not ready but they were sending him home with anti coagulants. Dr rang today to advise it was clots.
I feel so very sorry for him. I hope that having the blood clots will not prevent him from having the cancer surgery he needs. Through tall of this I was revisiting the various departments and wards where my husband had been during his last months. So hard as memories flooded back. I am struggling to support him.
The third difficult thing happened tonight, discussing the will with one of my stepdaughters. I explained that although there was not enough in his estate to fulfill his wishes that I would use money from joint accounts to do this. I reminded her what he had left. I reminded her that he was fulfilling his first wife’s wishes. She seemed surprised to hear what was being left. Basically, she felt he should have left something outside of her Mum’s request. I told her that we had mirror wills and that when I die she, her sister and my brother will inherit. I felt awful as she questioned me over various aspects. I may be paranoid but I felt on trial.I had discussed all of this with her before as had her Dad prior to his dementia but those conversations had been forgotten. I don’t know what to think or do. I need to put it down to her grief and see if we can meet up to discuss things.
So bad things come in threes. I just feel sad and lonely.
Just remembered the 4th thing! My Mam is visiting and I’ve had to bring a bed downstairs for her. The room now looks just as it did for the 3 months before my husband went into a care home. Stupidly, I had not thought about how much this would hit me.
Just needed to offload. Thank you.
Then my good neighbour,83, has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. I offered to take him to his hospital suitability for anaesthesia appointment. He rang me the evening before worried because he thought he’d overslept. He was 12 hours early! I realised he was confused and then he told me he had been trembling for 20 minutes. I suggested we phone 111 or that I’d take him to A&E. He declined both because he said he’d tell them at his appointment. Needless to say I barely slept. I took him for his appointment and after 5 minutes a nurse came out and beckoned me to another room where she told me his temperature had dropped and he was shaking. The consultant postponed the assessment and got a nurse to take him to A & E. We were seen straightaway and, as suspected, he had a UTI and signs of sepsis. He was discharged after 5 days, most of which saw him confused and delusional. Shockingly, he came home with a catheter and no one had shown him how to manage it. Another neighbour got involved over this.
Yesterday I called in with some shopping. Whilst I was there he had a call from a dr. Scan done in hospital showed a possible pulmonary embolism. He was asked to go to hospital immediately. I took him and we waited 5 hours to be told new scan results not ready but they were sending him home with anti coagulants. Dr rang today to advise it was clots.
I feel so very sorry for him. I hope that having the blood clots will not prevent him from having the cancer surgery he needs. Through tall of this I was revisiting the various departments and wards where my husband had been during his last months. So hard as memories flooded back. I am struggling to support him.
The third difficult thing happened tonight, discussing the will with one of my stepdaughters. I explained that although there was not enough in his estate to fulfill his wishes that I would use money from joint accounts to do this. I reminded her what he had left. I reminded her that he was fulfilling his first wife’s wishes. She seemed surprised to hear what was being left. Basically, she felt he should have left something outside of her Mum’s request. I told her that we had mirror wills and that when I die she, her sister and my brother will inherit. I felt awful as she questioned me over various aspects. I may be paranoid but I felt on trial.I had discussed all of this with her before as had her Dad prior to his dementia but those conversations had been forgotten. I don’t know what to think or do. I need to put it down to her grief and see if we can meet up to discuss things.
So bad things come in threes. I just feel sad and lonely.
Just remembered the 4th thing! My Mam is visiting and I’ve had to bring a bed downstairs for her. The room now looks just as it did for the 3 months before my husband went into a care home. Stupidly, I had not thought about how much this would hit me.
Just needed to offload. Thank you.
I'm so sorry you've had so many upsets @GillP I honestly don't know how you've managed. It sounds as if you are the first port of call for everyone.
What you did not need is confrontation about your husband's Will. I would cut short any discussion here. The Will has been made and that's the end of it.
What you did not need is confrontation about your husband's Will. I would cut short any discussion here. The Will has been made and that's the end of it.
Thank you @Izzy and @Grannie G , I have spoken with my brother in law who has advised me to try to step back from involvement with the neighbour. I will do but it’s difficult as he was one of a few who kept visiting. He is doing better at the moment.
Like you, @granny G, he has also counselled that I try to ignore discussion of the will. If it becomes an issue I have a script and relevant dates etc . So sad and maybe I overreacted; it is such a sensitive subject and throughout our marriage I have always supported his daughters and grandchildren - financially and emotionally.
I have an appointment with my solicitor next week to discuss how I can ensure that my husband’s pecuniary legacies can be funded. I know that I don’t need to do this but I want to.
I will be meeting the family later in the summer so hoping things are as easy going as they have been up till now.
So feeling more positive and all being well I will go up north tomorrow and bring Mam back on Sunday. She’s good company and it lovely to spoil her. I am making up for the years I couldn’t visit as I couldn’t or wouldn’t leave my husband. At 93 she comes with some health issues but we manage them together, mainly mobility and she takes water tablets. I’ve told her that I know every toilet stop on our journey. It will be a fortnight of garden centres, gardens, country parks, shopping, tea and cake, watching Emmerdale and Coronation Street and whatever she wants to do. So, if she wants a duvet day she can have one!
Hope we all have a good weekend x
Like you, @granny G, he has also counselled that I try to ignore discussion of the will. If it becomes an issue I have a script and relevant dates etc . So sad and maybe I overreacted; it is such a sensitive subject and throughout our marriage I have always supported his daughters and grandchildren - financially and emotionally.
I have an appointment with my solicitor next week to discuss how I can ensure that my husband’s pecuniary legacies can be funded. I know that I don’t need to do this but I want to.
I will be meeting the family later in the summer so hoping things are as easy going as they have been up till now.
So feeling more positive and all being well I will go up north tomorrow and bring Mam back on Sunday. She’s good company and it lovely to spoil her. I am making up for the years I couldn’t visit as I couldn’t or wouldn’t leave my husband. At 93 she comes with some health issues but we manage them together, mainly mobility and she takes water tablets. I’ve told her that I know every toilet stop on our journey. It will be a fortnight of garden centres, gardens, country parks, shopping, tea and cake, watching Emmerdale and Coronation Street and whatever she wants to do. So, if she wants a duvet day she can have one!
Hope we all have a good weekend x
My lovely neighbour was initially told that he was too weak for a general anaesthetic for his bowel cancer but could have an epidural. As he was so weak he booked himself into a nursing home to try to build himself up. Sadly he still didn’t eat much, swallowing became an issue and he became bedbound. Then he was given the news that he was too weak for surgery and given 6-8 weeks.
He had been a very popular Head of History at a public school with so many friends. He was visited by people from all over the U.K., Hungary, Czech, Poland and France! Every day he was surrounded by so many people and all enjoyed reminiscing. It made him smile but he told me many times that he had no quality of life and that he just wanted to die. On Friday morning his wish was granted.
He was a true gentleman and a supportive friend. He will be missed but he is at peace.
He had been a very popular Head of History at a public school with so many friends. He was visited by people from all over the U.K., Hungary, Czech, Poland and France! Every day he was surrounded by so many people and all enjoyed reminiscing. It made him smile but he told me many times that he had no quality of life and that he just wanted to die. On Friday morning his wish was granted.
He was a true gentleman and a supportive friend. He will be missed but he is at peace.
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