Feeling sad and guilty

[GillP]

I am really struggling at the moment. When my husband died last December, in hospital I was not with him and I’m finding that hard to come to terms with. I thought he had another day ... then the phone call came telling me he had passed. I just pray that he went peacefully in his morphine induced sleep.

A couple of days before this it seemed that he was trying to speak but couldn’t get the words out, he’d not spoken much for some time. I held his hand, our eyes locked and I told him that I loved him so very much and I knew that he loved me. I told him that I’d be ok (another love lie) and that his daughters, the girls, would be too. I told him that I’d look after them (they’re in their 50’s). He seemed to relax and then slept. He was put on a syringe driver later that day and seemed to sleep peacefully.

My guilt at not being there is overwhelming. I should have realised and stayed with him.

He would hate to think of me suffering like this. He was simply the best. I miss him beyond words.

 

[Izzy]

It really is heartbreaking @GillP.

I want to say please don’t feel guilty but you feel what you feel. Your description of when your eyes locked is really poignant. Please try to hold these moments in your mind and your heart.

I know what it’s liked to lose your life’s love and partner and I wish you all the strength in the world.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @GillP

When my husband was at the end of his life our son and I were with him full time.

He had two really bad hours with his face looking tortured before the District Nurse came to administer the syringe driver.

Within minutes he was sleeping peacefully and my son and I decided to whip home to get a bath and change of clothes. We arrived home but didn`t have enough time for anything before the home phoned to say he had died.

One of his carers was with him when he died. He was sitting with him until we returned.

I can`t feel guilt about it. We didn`t know, nor did you.

Sometimes these happenings are taken out of our hands.

It is very early days for you. Allow your grief.

 

[nae sporran]

I had a similar moment two days before my partner died. Hold on to that moment @GillP.

 

[melli]

Its hard not to feel Guilt, as its all part of a process that will take you through every emotion, pain, sadness even relief for them. Its also possible to feel all of the emotions at one time. Just be as kind to yourself as he obviously was to you, and even think did his utter loveliness extent to sparing you watching him go, maybe he wanted to protect you from that x

 

[big l]

My lovely husband died on 4th March, his funeral was yesterday. I didn't make it back to the hospital in time either. Our son and I were probably in the lift on the way up to the ward when he died, but if we had made it our daughter wouldn't have been there, so that somehow made it better. Awful though it was, I too got comfort that we'd shared our love for each other a few days before he died. He was 78, we had been married 59 years.

 

[canary]

I missed my mums passing too.
I had stayed with her for 3 days, sleeping on the floor in her room as I was determined to be with her when she died, but I had to back home to sort out OH. By the time I had got home she had died.

I was told afterwards by an older and very experienced carer that she had seen this many times and thought that some people didnt want to die in front of their loved ones and upset them.

What is important is that you were there for him during his life and were able to tell him that you loved him and knew that he loved you. The final seconds dont matter so much.
xx

 

[big l]

I missed my mums passing too.
I had stayed with her for 3 days, sleeping on the floor in her room as I was determined to be with her when she died, but I had to back home to sort out OH. By the time I had got home she had died.

I was told afterwards by an older and very experienced carer that she had seen this many times and thought that some people didnt want to die in front of their loved ones and upset them.

What is important is that you were there for him during his life and were able to tell him that you loved him and knew that he loved you. The final seconds dont matter so much.
xx

Thank you, I wasn't there when my husband died and as usual, your words are a comfort and support.

 

[Imperfect Daughter]

Oh Gill.....I really feel for you. I lost my Mum but but can only imagine what it's like to lose your life partner. It's so normal to feel guilt as part of grief, so I keep being told. There are always things that we could have done 'more' or 'better', but we are just humans doing our very best. You said all the important things to him before the end and that's what matters most. And you were there through all the important times during your lives together, and his illness.

I was told something similar to @canary by a palliative nurse when mum was on end of life. He was saying that if someone wants to die alone, they will. No matter how long you stay, you will at some point need to stretch your legs or go to the toilet and they will choose that moment to go. He said don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be there for the final moment because sometimes it just doesn't work out.

If it is any comfort at all, while the first day of my mum's end of life care wasn't great for her, by the time she was on the syringe driver and the right level of morphine, like your husband she was sleeping peacefully for the last 36 hours. And the ending was peaceful for her. She didn't even get the 'rattle', she simply stopped breathing, so please try to think that it was similar for your husband.

To give you another perspective, whilst I don't regret being there at the end, I did find it very disturbing. It still haunts my dreams and I think about it a lot and sometimes wonder if I'd have been better off not being there. I'm not saying you should be glad you weren't there, I suppose I'm trying to say that there are pros and cons to being there and not being there. I think whatever the ending is like, we question whether it should have been different.

(I also told Mum that big love lie at the end 'I will be OK Mum'. I hope she heard me and believed it).

Lots of love to you xx

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @GillP

I am sorry for your loss. My mum died during the height of the second COVID lockdown. I was exhausted and had to go home to sleep and shower. I was woken by the phone call from the hospital to say mum had died and know the feeling of guilt you are talking about.

You had a special moment of locked eyes which you can always treasure and hold onto. Just before mum went onto the morphine driver I experienced a similar but different type of experience with her. Please accept what @canary stated earlier about loved ones trying to spare us the pain of their actual moment of passing.

Also please remember the following

1) The period of Dementia illness was a small part of your many happy years together. In time the beautiful memories of your shared many years of happiness will replace the recent very sad ones in your thoughts. Please trust this process will gradually develop.
2) Your husband would want you to have a happy future with your daughters. Grief is the price we pay for loving another person deeply and over a long period of time. It never fully goes away, but the intensity fades. With it will also reduce any guilt feelings which are not logical, but I have sadly come to conclude are part of the human condition. More importantly you get to keep the happier memories of pre Dementia years. They slowly come back I find in strong detail. Grief cannot destroy them, even if it can temporarily place them just beyond your reach.

Please be gentle with yourself. No one can tell when the actual moment of death will arrive and no single person can mount a continuous bedside watch over more than a few days. Please remember you were thrown into Dementia care without any training or guidance manual. You did your very best for your husband at every step of his illness. You did not fail him, instead you showed your deep love for him throughout no doubt many difficult moments. Such is the lot of Dementia carers. More importantly you did not fail yourself. My very best wishes for that future you will have with your daughters. No rush, take your time to gather yourself, it will wait for you.

 

[big l]

Dear @GillP

I am sorry for your loss. My mum died during the height of the second COVID lockdown. I was exhausted and had to go home to sleep and shower. I was woken by the phone call from the hospital to say mum had died and know the feeling of guilt you are talking about.

You had a special moment of locked eyes which you can always treasure and hold onto. Just before mum went onto the morphine driver I experienced a similar but different type of experience with her. Please accept what @canary stated earlier about loved ones trying to spare us the pain of their actual moment of passing.

Also please remember the following

1) The period of Dementia illness was a small part of your many happy years together. In time the beautiful memories of your shared many years of happiness will replace the recent very sad ones in your thoughts. Please trust this process will gradually develop.
2) Your husband would want you to have a happy future with your daughters. Grief is the price we pay for loving another person deeply and over a long period of time. It never fully goes away, but the intensity fades. With it will also reduce any guilt feelings which are not logical, but I have sadly come to conclude are part of the human condition. More importantly you get to keep the happier memories of pre Dementia years. They slowly come back I find in strong detail. Grief cannot destroy them, even if it can temporarily place them just beyond your reach.

Please be gentle with yourself. No one can tell when the actual moment of death will arrive and no single person can mount a continuous bedside watch over more than a few days. Please remember you were thrown into Dementia care without any training or guidance manual. You did your very best for your husband at every step of his illness. You did not fail him, instead you showed your deep love for him throughout no doubt many difficult moments. Such is the lot of Dementia carers. More importantly you did not fail yourself. My very best wishes for that future you will have with your daughters. No rush, take your time to gather yourself, it will wait for you.

Absolutely beautiful words Whisperer, thank you. My beloved husband of 59 years was in hospital when he died, I missed being with him by minutes. His funeral was last Tuesday. Your words have given me encouragement that the good memories will return and demolish the sad ones and given me some inspiration to look forward. I'm determined to carry on and live the best life I can manage without him - for me and for him.

 

[cesar66]

Dear @ Gillp sending ((())) hugs to you this is a very hard and difficult journey we are on now we are all here for you

 

[Whisperer]

Absolutely beautiful words Whisperer, thank you. My beloved husband of 59 years was in hospital when he died, I missed being with him by minutes. His funeral was last Tuesday. Your words have given me encouragement that the good memories will return and demolish the sad ones and given me some inspiration to look forward. I'm determined to carry on and live the best life I can manage without him - for me and for him.

Dear @big l
I am sorry about your recent loss. I wish you well on your future journey in life. The pain of loss will reduce but never go away as I have found in recent days.

Can I make a suggestion regarding the return of happier memories. Advice I received from a counsellor. Buy a note book and each day sit and think about happier times. Try to avoid directly thinking of your loved one which will be painful presently with your loss being so recent. Instead think of places you use to visit, holidays, family weddings, christenings, etc, which will link into happier times. If it is still to painful put the notebook to one side with a mental note to return to it periodically. From a slow trickle of memories initially it became a stream then a river. Hard as it may seem they caused me to laugh for the first time in several years and gradually more detail came to me. Dementia will colour some future memories but the sunshine from all those past loving years will out in the end. Again my very best wishes for your future.

 

[EmilyS]

I am really struggling at the moment. When my husband died last December, in hospital I was not with him and I’m finding that hard to come to terms with. I thought he had another day ... then the phone call came telling me he had passed. I just pray that he went peacefully in his morphine induced sleep.

A couple of days before this it seemed that he was trying to speak but couldn’t get the words out, he’d not spoken much for some time. I held his hand, our eyes locked and I told him that I loved him so very much and I knew that he loved me. I told him that I’d be ok (another love lie) and that his daughters, the girls, would be too. I told him that I’d look after them (they’re in their 50’s). He seemed to relax and then slept. He was put on a syringe driver later that day and seemed to sleep peacefully.

My guilt at not being there is overwhelming. I should have realised and stayed with him.

He would hate to think of me suffering like this. He was simply the best. I miss him beyond words.

I

I am really struggling at the moment. When my husband died last December, in hospital I was not with him and I’m finding that hard to come to terms with. I thought he had another day ... then the phone call came telling me he had passed. I just pray that he went peacefully in his morphine induced sleep.

A couple of days before this it seemed that he was trying to speak but couldn’t get the words out, he’d not spoken much for some time. I held his hand, our eyes locked and I told him that I loved him so very much and I knew that he loved me. I told him that I’d be ok (another love lie) and that his daughters, the girls, would be too. I told him that I’d look after them (they’re in their 50’s). He seemed to relax and then slept. He was put on a syringe driver later that day and seemed to sleep peacefully.

My guilt at not being there is overwhelming. I should have realised and stayed with him.

He would hate to think of me suffering like this. He was simply the best. I miss him beyond words.

I am so sorry for your loss GillP. I can relate too. Mum passed away in hospital in Feb. I had been there almost every day but got the call to say she had passed when I was minutes away from the hospital.

What Canary said - is the same thing I was told by an older, caring support lady on the Palliative Care team. Our loved ones sometimes choose their time.

You had no way of knowing. I know the guilt you speak of. Many here do x

 

[Bee Bumble]

My husband of 57 years passed away 5 days ago, he’d been in hospital for 7 weeks, stopped eating and drank very little and could no longer walk after having a fall. I went to see him nearly every day from 10.30am to 3-30pm.
after finding him undressed, cold and frightened (nurses left him to fetch something they’d forgotten seemed then to forget him). The palliative care team got him home two days later. He perked up, was much happier, still didn’t eat and drink much. He was home a week and a half before he slipped away in the early hours of the.morning. I feel in limbo, it’s a long time since he began to need care, I’m feeling exhausted, also feel guilty because there’s a sense of relief. Nurses came 3 times a day, and the district nurse, I miss him more than words can say, but I really couldn’t have continued much longer. I too missed being with him at the end, if I hadn’t gone to the bathroom before going to look in on him I would have been with him. Sorry I’ve gone on a bit, my family want me to take a break, but what does a carer do afterwards.​

 

[canary]

Im so sorry for your loss @Bee Bumble

My mum passed away following a fall too. I also missed that time of her passing, even though I had stayed with her, sleeping on the floor, for three days. I was told by a very experienced carer that this was common - that the person who was dying sometimes didnt want to pass away in front of their relative, so they wait until they are alone, often when their relative nips to the loo.

What is important is that you were there during your husbands life, not the final few seconds.
xxx

 

[GillP]

So sorry to hear of your loss @Bee Bumble . I hope that you find solace in the knowledge that your husband is no longer suffering. I found some consolation in this.

I love @canary’s final sentence , I hope it’s ok for me to have copied it into my journal.

Take good care of yourself @Bee Bumble x

 

[Bee Bumble]

Thank you, the funeral is next Friday and I am dreading it, I can’t stop crying this last few days, just don’t know how to stop, Friends ask me how I am but I don’t know what to say. The support group I belonged to is only for carers, I was looking forward to going there again but am gently advised I’m no longer a carer, and the group is only for carers, I do understand that now, but feel shut out. Yes, I am glad he isn’t suffering anymore, but that doesn’t take the pain away. I’m also thankful he spent his last few days at home.

(((Hugs to you all.)))

 

[cesar66]

So sorry for your loss BeeBumble sending you strength for the days and weeks ahead 🙏 xxx

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry for your loss @Bee Bumble.

It’s sad that you can’t access the support group any more. I wondered if you would find some extra support through Cruse -

Get support - Cruse Bereavement Support

We're here to help you no matter how long you've been grieving. Learn more about our different bereavement support services here.

www.cruse.org.uk

Wishing you strength.