Feeling Guilty

[exejez]

Hi All, My dad has Alzheimers and was diagnosed several years ago. He is 91, and living at home still, although he now has 24 in home carers who are very good. He does not really know who they are, but does seem to accept they are there to help and support him. Dad has lived in his home for over 40 years, so has many automatic things he does. He knows where the loo is, and does potter about at home, while being supported by the carer. I do not live locally, so cannot get to see him as much as I would likem, and he has no other relatives locally. The neighbours are good too, However, as dads short term memory gets worse he does less and less, and doses more. I often wonder what his world is like? What does he think about all day? When I go to see him, he generally seems in good spirits, but I do feel guilty that I should be doing more. I think I am doing the best for him, keeping him at home, as that is always what he wanted.
I just feel a bit rubbish sometimes, especially as Christmas is coming up, but I feel that he would really hate full time residential care, and the automatic knowledge he has by being at home keeps some independence and dignity, which he may lose in a care home.

 

[Sue741215]

I think you need to stop feeling guilty mainly because it doesn't do either of you any good. There is no perfect solution - we all do our best with what we have and it sounds to me as though your dad is lucky to have you and to have the support at home that he needs. I wouldn't worry about him doing less and dozing more - I think most 91 year olds would never mind those with Alzheimer's. My husband is 75 and likes a routine and settled existence. He looks forward to visitors but soon goes off on his own for a bit of peace. I wonder the same as you what goes on in his head but I think we will never understand but I think it must be tiring for them to think so they need quiet, dozing times. You are caring about him and keeping him safe and it sounds as though he is content. That is the best you can hope for I think. There may come a time when he needs residential care which is likely to b the only alternative but I think you will know, and hopefully the carers will alert you. The only thing I can suggest is whether you and the carers could set up facetime calls with him to help you have more contact and feel more reassured - it may be that these are more valuable to you than to him but that is fine too. I would say don't beat yourself up - you are doing the best you can and he is content - you are doing a good job!

 

[exejez]

I think you need to stop feeling guilty mainly because it doesn't do either of you any good. There is no perfect solution - we all do our best with what we have and it sounds to me as though your dad is lucky to have you and to have the support at home that he needs. I wouldn't worry about him doing less and dozing more - I think most 91 year olds would never mind those with Alzheimer's. My husband is 75 and likes a routine and settled existence. He looks forward to visitors but soon goes off on his own for a bit of peace. I wonder the same as you what goes on in his head but I think we will never understand but I think it must be tiring for them to think so they need quiet, dozing times. You are caring about him and keeping him safe and it sounds as though he is content. That is the best you can hope for I think. There may come a time when he needs residential care which is likely to b the only alternative but I think you will know, and hopefully the carers will alert you. The only thing I can suggest is whether you and the carers could set up facetime calls with him to help you have more contact and feel more reassured - it may be that these are more valuable to you than to him but that is fine too. I would say don't beat yourself up - you are doing the best you can and he is content - you are doing a good job!

Thank you Sue, I just find that sometimes things just get to me and make me sad, that dad is just not able to be the capable independent person he used to be.

 

[Sue741215]

Thank you Sue, I just find that sometimes things just get to me and make me sad, that dad is just not able to be the capable independent person he used to be.

Please don't think I don't understand the sadness and of course it is ok and very normal to feel sad. Sad - yes but guilty - no - easier said than done I know and I think we all feel it at times but I feel we should fight it as we don't deserve it and as I said already it doesn't do us any good. With my husband I try to focus on his contentment - I know how lucky I am that he is contented at least for now as many others are not. He is remarkable that he doesn't seem worried by his loss of skills - does he not realise or has he taken a view that he will just ignore it - he certainly won't talk about it so I will probably never know. I hope you find that sharing your sadness with the forum helps and please continue to use it on those down days that we all have.

 

[sdmhred]

Hi @exejez

Its such a rollercoaster isn’t it for us? Sorry ur feeling rough with it at the moment. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to keep your Dad at home with carers looking after him. That must have taken a huge effort. It Is so sad seeing the independence lost. My mum pre-dementia would be horrified to see how she is now. She would never have wanted it. But like Sue’s husband and your Dad she is content in her small world. She never wanted residential care, but as her world has shrunk she’s actually very settled and happy as her basic needs are catered for.

On my tough days this is the only place I feel safe. keep posting if it helps.