Feel like threatening to leave

[Wifey1]

Once again, at the end of my tether. What would happen if I threatened to leave?

 

[SherwoodSue]

Threatened your husband or the care services?

 

[Wifey1]

My husband, he says now I don't do anything for him, I've changed, and I'm though to regret it. Used to be a loving caring man.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Well I guess that’s all depends on how much capacity he has left.
Does have any insight into his own behaviour?
Has he got the point where he completely lacks empathy?
Five minutes after you threatened to leave him, would he even be able to remember?

 

[SherwoodSue]

In either event it does seem like you need extra support or at least a break. Is that possible?

 

[Wifey1]

He doesn't seem to have insight. I must go he is back in the room

 

[SherwoodSue]

xxxx

 

[sapphire turner]

I have lots of conversations with my husband which start off with me trying to be honest and constructive but end up with me making wild unreasonable threats about leaving him. A few minutes later and he will say did we argue, are you cross with me? And I will say no everything is fine, don’t worry. It’s a mad world to be sure!

 

[Wifey1]

Looking back how silly it would be to threaten to leave. He would not see that I felt that way because of his attitude or behaviour. He could not possibly live on his own and I would never leave, it would be cruel and after all, it is not his fault that he has this cruel disease . I really must deal with the difficulties better, and not take it all personally.

 

[sapphire turner]

I have really tried not to take the barrage of insults and unkindness personally but I can’t find any other way of taking it. To me it’s a bit like living with a nasty drunk and trying to believe it’s just the drink talking but it’s not tho is it, it’s coming out of his head. It has wrecked my trust in him and is leaving a dark shadow over what was a long and happy marriage. It feels like the husband I loved and trusted died a few years ago and I now have to live with a dark nasty unpredictable man. Some days I can’t remember why, but in the end it’s because I know that he would not manage a day without me. Some days I am just doing it for the dog. I can’t do this forever tho, and I am already planning to take advice on next moves. More carer input, thinking about care homes…..
Let us not just go under and be crushed, that’s not helping anyone. Sending love ❤️

 

[leny connery]

bottom line, you can only go on as far as you are able to go on. After that, yes, pass on the baton to the care home proffesionals

 

[Oscar 10]

I have only been on this journey for two years and my husband has not accepted this diagnosis at all we spend half the day searching for something he can’t remember where he put it and the other half arguing about trivial things I could run out of the house and keep running until I found some peace but I know that will never happen as how will he cope without someone with him we have lost all the closeness we had and after 52 years of knowing him so well I now don’t know him at all how on earth will I be able to do this for years to come when I already feel burnt out now I think if it had been a different illness we would have at least be able to talk about it but now that’s not possible and all the things I want to say will stay with me alone I feel your sadness xx

 

[Briege]

Looking back how silly it would be to threaten to leave. He would not see that I felt that way because of his attitude or behaviour. He could not possibly live on his own and I would never leave, it would be cruel and after all, it is not his fault that he has this cruel disease . I really must deal with the difficulties better, and not take it all personally.

Try to get extra help so you can have a break. I almost phoned for an ambulance at 3.30 this morning, I couldn't cope anymore, I just wanted someone to take him away. Phoned social worker in tears this morning. I'd phoned last week looking for more help and was still waiting reply. They phoned back today, nurse from memory clinic coming out tomorrow. Keep pushing for help. Even an hour to yourself helps. Just being able to talk to people helps too.

 

[TonyDB]

Hello @Wifey1

one things I would say is “threatening to leave” is only going to inflame the situation and raise anxiety, I get that wife my OH / wife, a bit of help on the phone from both the Alzheimer’s Support line and an Admiral Nurse on the Dementia UK support line both say the same, try not to use inflammatory statements, I have fallen into this “trap” a couple of times…

It‘s hard to a avoid these situations, they “come with the territory”… I have had a really nice morning with my wife today, but mid afternoon onwards it’s been **** (excuse my “French”) so I have left her for a while in a tired and angry place (she has suddenly lost a large chunk of her history and my recognition, I presume she thinks I am someone from her long distant past who did give her grief…), she usually will calm down. We have the advantage that once we do these temporary breaks, we tend to talk on our mobiles every 15 minutes or so which gives us both the opportunity to talk without being in each others line of sight which usually eases things, and gives me the ability to “read” her mood and decide when to go back.

in short, going for a walk is just fine, if that’s not enough then some of the other advice above needs to be considered…

Good luck, Tony…
and yes being a carer in these situations is really hard!

 

[Wifey1]

I have only been on this journey for two years and my husband has not accepted this diagnosis at all we spend half the day searching for something he can’t remember where he put it and the other half arguing about trivial things I could run out of the house and keep running until I found some peace but I know that will never happen as how will he cope without someone with him we have lost all the closeness we had and after 52 years of knowing him so well I now don’t know him at all how on earth will I be able to do this for years to come when I already feel burnt out now I think if it had been a different illness we would have at least be able to talk about it but now that’s not possible and all the things I want to say will stay with me alone I feel your sadness xx

I really identify with your thoughts. How can we go on, everything is geared towards keeping the husband happy but the cost is our life. But what other choice is there??

 

[Wifey1]

In either event it does seem like you need extra support or at least a break. Is that possible?

I am lucky, I do get a break. I play golf once a week with lovely ladies who understand and let me talk to them,

 

[Wifey1]

I have only been on this journey for two years and my husband has not accepted this diagnosis at all we spend half the day searching for something he can’t remember where he put it and the other half arguing about trivial things I could run out of the house and keep running until I found some peace but I know that will never happen as how will he cope without someone with him we have lost all the closeness we had and after 52 years of knowing him so well I now don’t know him at all how on earth will I be able to do this for years to come when I already feel burnt out now I think if it had been a different illness we would have at least be able to talk about it but now that’s not possible and all the things I want to say will stay with me alone I feel your sadness xx

How frustrating that be must be, that he does not accept the diagnosis. But..... His brain isn't working!! How can we possibly reason with that? He can't help it, cannot understand. But we sacrifice our lives. My husband would be mortified if he could see what's happened to him .

 

[Postmill]

I feel this is my story, can’t believe how similar this is to my every day. So many meltdowns and emotions, feeling like my life is over and like a prisoner having to care for the person I married 55years ago. Every day so unpredictable, good sometimes but more bad. Waiting to spk to GP to see if he can give advice , OH is already on max antidepressants but still anxious and agitated and accusing me of all sorts so hoping I get some sort of help. He recently sprained his ankle so makes walking worse, was already unstable so could have done without this. Don’t feel so alone with this forum as it does help. This disease is awful for everyone.

 

[Wifey1]

I really identify with your thoughts. How can we go on, everything is geared towards keeping the husband happy but the cost is our life. But what other choice is there

 

[JaxG]

I have really tried not to take the barrage of insults and unkindness personally but I can’t find any other way of taking it. To me it’s a bit like living with a nasty drunk and trying to believe it’s just the drink talking but it’s not tho is it, it’s coming out of his head. It has wrecked my trust in him and is leaving a dark shadow over what was a long and happy marriage. It feels like the husband I loved and trusted died a few years ago and I now have to live with a dark nasty unpredictable man. Some days I can’t remember why, but in the end it’s because I know that he would not manage a day without me. Some days I am just doing it for the dog. I can’t do this forever tho, and I am already planning to take advice on next moves. More carer input, thinking about care homes…..
Let us not just go under and be crushed, that’s not helping anyone. Sending love ❤️

What people tend not to realise is that verbal aggression and emotional abuse are part of domestic abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is, in many ways, more damaging than physical violence and even harder to bear. The fact that the abuser has dementia does not diminish the huge impact it has on the victim, your brain is not going to be able to rationalise the difference. Your body is going to respond with the same levels of fear and stress, your mind is going to crumble under the strain of being shouted at, put down and intimidated. What I find most shocking is how carers are left to deal with this with little support - after my husband assaulted me I was told to leave him, get a full time job and sell the house. I am 66, have no private pension and there would not be enough money to buy myself another home. Fortunately my husband is calmer now, has deteriorated hugely and has little independent functioning. He is now pacing the house at night, walking into my bedroom looking for the toilet at 4am, having raided the fridge and binged on cider. He is going into respite on Monday and I have told the care home that I can't cope any more and the care home have agreed to keep him there to transition to full time care. I am not looking forward to the inevitable battle with SS!!