Exhausted

[Grannie G]

You are nowhere near whiney @MatthewB

I wish my husband had been able to post his feelings on the dementia support forum and receive support from others

Unfortunately he wasn’t technical and was unable to use a computer. It would have helped him so much to have been able to share.

I hope everyone’s support is helping you.

I’m sure you are helping others on the forum

 

[MatthewB]

You are nowhere near whiney @MatthewB

I wish my husband had been able to post his feelings on the dementia support forum and receive support from others

Unfortunately he wasn’t technical and was unable to use a computer. It would have helped him so much to have been able to share.

I hope everyone’s support is helping you.

I’m sure you are helping others on the forum

Yes ma'am everyone is so many helps to me I hope they can know how thankful I am for them all and for you too God bless you

 

[Jakesterblack]

Hi , I've just read your post and I could've written so much it it .my mum was resisting all help , I was on my own doing the care and it was making me ill. Mum caught covid and gave it to me and my family . We were quite poorly but I still dragged myself out of bed and went to cook her dinner and do whatever she needed . She refused help to shower and wouldn't let me even change her bedding . I was shouted at and thrown out the house . So it came to a crisis , she got utis and delirium and had a fall and hit her head . I'm not a nurse and I have no medical training and felt completely out of my depth . So my mum went into care , I realised enough was enough .it was making me and my family ill. Now she's happy on most days and not so happy on others . But i can sleep at night knowing she's watched over , warm and fed . I think that's all you can wish for at this stage . I hope you sort it out for all your sakes . X

Hi again, latest battle with mum still no carers, no cleaner and now she won't even let someone in to do her feet and they are a mess, won't let me touch them, won't go to podiatrist, won't let one in.. what do I do? I honestly feel like every day is just a battle with her now...

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Jakesterblack

Is it possible your mother is frightened?

I know this might sound unethical and even unkind but do you think telling her Social Services will blame you for neglect if she doesn`t allow help?

I tried so many different approaches with my husband, whether it was emotional blackmail or being very economical with the truth.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I agree with the emotional blackmail route!

How about, 'If you won't agree to podiatrist/carers coming in to help you at home, Social Services will move you to a care home and we will have no say in it!'

It sounds mean but sometimes things like this will work. It was the only technique that worked with my mum and I'm afraid I mercilessly lied through my teeth at times to get her to accept the help she needed!

 

[AnnieM62]

It’s so difficult and exhausting. How about inviting a carer round when you are there, just for a chat and a cup of tea. Carers are amazing, and those that look after people with Alzheimer’s and dementia know exactly what to say and do.

 

[silkiest]

Hi @Jakesterblack, we solved the key in the lock problem with MIL by installing a key safe and changing the locks - some have thumb turns only on the inside so there is no hole for a key to go into.
In England with POA we do not have to consult the social worker for every little thing - is this the same in Scotland.
We are self funding for both MIL and dad and social services are not involved with MIL at all.

 

[Jakesterblack]

It’s so difficult and exhausting. How about inviting a carer round when you are there, just for a chat and a cup of tea. Carers are amazing, and those that look after people with Alzheimer’s and dementia know exactly what to say and do.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Hi, we have tried all that she still refuses we have had so many meetings with Social work on our own and also with mum there and the volunteer from Alzheimers Scotland has been there also but we just get nowhere and last time myself and sister ended up in tears. She was so nasty.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Hi @Jakesterblack, we solved the key in the lock problem with MIL by installing a key safe and changing the locks - some have thumb turns only on the inside so there is no hole for a key to go into.
In England with POA we do not have to consult the social worker for every little thing - is this the same in Scotland.
We are self funding for both MIL and dad and social services are not involved with MIL at all.

We have a key safe but ye at the moment mums keys go in her door so that may be something we will have to look at doing. We initially arranged a meeting with social work when mum was first diagnosed and have since had a few since then to have care put in place however not got anywhere with them and the reality is mum has a bit in savings and all of this will go on her care anyway. I also was told by a friend that i should look at putting mums name on waiting list for care home? ... just feel like i'm going round in circles and things just getting worse all the time. It is nice to speak to people on this forum though as i know you all understand

 

[silkiest]

Hi @Jakesterblack, I would certainly look around care homes to see what you think of them. If things change quickly then you are prepared and know who to approach first. Locally the homes don’t have waiting lists as such, they initially looked at whether their home could meet our loved one’s needs but then wanted us to keep ringing each week to see if they had rooms available as things can change very quickly in the homes (especially in winter when flu etc is going around )

 

[Jakesterblack]

Hi @Jakesterblack, I would certainly look around care homes to see what you think of them. If things change quickly then you are prepared and know who to approach first. Locally the homes don’t have waiting lists as such, they initially looked at whether their home could meet our loved one’s needs but then wanted us to keep ringing each week to see if they had rooms available as things can change very quickly in the homes (especially in winter when flu etc is going around )

Thanks I will do that. Actually called social work back today to advise them of what's been happening and they said yet again they will do another assessment however I know how this will go mum will say she doesn't want carers and tell us to get out her house and it will be total waste of time but social work said with the mice incident and her general health deteriorating they may make the decision to enforce it which I didn't think they would I thought that would be left to me?

 

[Jakesterblack]

I just wonder sometimes when this will end. And also how much more I can deal with. I wish she would just agree to a carer and cleaner and I know at some point things will progress again and she will be put into a home but at the moment if we could just move onto that stage it would be such a relief but I know she is never going to agree to it.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Hi @Jakesterblack, I would certainly look around care homes to see what you think of them. If things change quickly then you are prepared and know who to approach first. Locally the homes don’t have waiting lists as such, they initially looked at whether their home could meet our loved one’s needs but then wanted us to keep ringing each week to see if they had rooms available as things can change very quickly in the homes (especially in winter when flu etc is going around )

Thankyou, that's really helpful. Have emailed a couple of local ones to ask if i can pop in.

 

[Jakesterblack]

2 weeks have passed and I've still heard nothing from social work. The smell so bad in mums house at weekend i couldn't stay. Then yesterday she was crying saying god help me because she couldn't get her hearing aids to work and was actually sticking the tube into her ear instead of the mould. I find it harder and harder to deal with her and don't know what to do anymore. Our contact at Alzheimers Scotland is going to speak to Social Work and GP today and get back to me. Why do i still feel so guilty that she potentially will be put into care and like i have failed...

 

[Banjomansmate]

You haven’t failed @Jakesterblack , dementia is the winner here and always will be. You have done all that you can, now you have to back off and leave it to Social Services .

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Jakesterblack Please do not feel guilty, I have just looked back to your original posts and you have done your best to care for your mum but she would just not accept the help offered. Now it is time to let social services take over. It really does sound as if your mum should be in full time residential care, this is not a failure, it is ensuring that your mum has the best care available. I hope all goes well today.

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @Jakesterblack , you have done your best. Please think what your mum would have said pre dementia if she was advising someone else.
My mum surprised me one day 40 years ago . She had cared for my gran but completely out of the blue she told me that if she ever needed care that I wasn't to have her live with me. She said even if she was kicking and screaming and saying she didn't want to go,that I had to ignore her! That she was telling me while she was in her right mind!
It didn't come to that as mum got cancer before her dementia got ito that stage but I remembered what she said. Looking back I think it was a big act of love from her.
Would your mum really want you to be so worried and tired looking after her?
I really think a care home should be her new home.
Sending you love as I know this must be hard for you x

 

[Jakesterblack]

Social Work and our contact from Alzheimers Scotland went to visit mum yesterday. I stayed away to allow them to speak to her on their own as i just seem to aggravate the situation. They have basically said they are escalating things and will be in touch.... no idea when or how long so left in limbo again. To make situation worse mum must have fell at some point and not told us so her foot/ankle swollen and red and called GP who wouldn't come to see her... two phone calls and still nothing, prescribed antibiotics and advised we put her in car and take her to A & E... Of course mum refused to move out the bed and apart from man handling her we had no choice but to leave her, she now on antibiotics four times a day as the GP thinks it's infection even though she hasn't even look at it. She is putting weight on it when going to toilet so don't think anything broken but GP said you need to make sure she takes the antibiotics four times a day... ye and how do we do that? I'm currently sitting in my work and my sister who has cancer is going through chemo... i honestly still feel like we are banging out heads of a brick wall meanwhile mum is in the house with no care. She has now got to point she is hardly getting out of bed at all, forgetting meds, not eating and Social work have had us at crisis point for weeks now... if they can't get her into respite i'm going to have to phone an ambulance myself and ask that she be taken in but GP said they won't unless reason for taking her in...

 

[DeeCee7]

I have just come across your posts @Jakesterblack and it took me a while to read through everything. What shines through is your resilience and love for both your mum and your sister. I cannot imagine how you have kept going through these quite dreadful times. I do hope the meeting yesterday results in some positive action. If not, I can see you have a plan of action. Phone the ambulance, and again if you need to.