Exhausted

[Collywobbles]

Went to see mum on Saturday and things not really any better, care home said she had been good and i said are we upsetting her more being here she said sometimes they recommend family stay away for a bit to let them settle so we decided we will do that. Left Sunday and will leave today, tomorrow and then i might try Wed night after work and test the water... the staff have been great with her and i called them yesterday and they said she is eating and sitting in the day room. They said sometimes new people don't even eat so it's good she's not refusing food. It's a strange feeling because i feel a bit of relief that i know she is cared for 24 hours and can't do anything to put herself in danger but the guilt is taking over that ... I still keep waking up during the night and it's the first thing that i think of that my mum is going to be there now for the rest of her days...

I’m so sorry you feel this way. It’s so common and some days there’s no way to fend off the guilt monster. As with most decisions around dementia, taking the least worst option is the best we can do, and we make peace with it as best we can.

As the carers say she’s eating, you can only try to take the wins where you can. This nasty condition allows us so few. Sending all good wishes for happier visits ahead, once your Mum has settled in a bit.

 

[Springiscoming]

“Rest home” is a term the older generation are sometimes comfortable with, too.

 

[Jakesterblack]

“Rest home” is a term the older generation are sometimes comfortable with, too.

We can't even say care home, we are at the moment pretending she has been sent there from the hospital for rehab and will then go home which makes me feel even more guilty.....

 

[JHA]

I can totally relate to how you must be feeling and sadly a lot of others on here can too. You are putting your mom first to ensure her safety like a lot of us have done. My mom has been in her care home for just over two years and to this day my heart still wishes there was an alternative but my head tells me I made the right decision.

I cannot say my mom is happy (neither am I) but she is 'cared' for (having a few problems at the moment but that is another story) and safe.

When my mom was first admitted Covid was still causing problems so visiting was restricted and I was kept away for a while which probably helped her to settle and form relationships with the staff. I have what I call my brick wall and put on a brave face occasionally that brick wall crumbles but gets built back up as I still need to carry on.

Take care and be kind to yourself you are doing your best for your mom.

 

[Jakesterblack]

I can totally relate to how you must be feeling and sadly a lot of others on here can too. You are putting your mom first to ensure her safety like a lot of us have done. My mom has been in her care home for just over two years and to this day my heart still wishes there was an alternative but my head tells me I made the right decision.

I cannot say my mom is happy (neither am I) but she is 'cared' for (having a few problems at the moment but that is another story) and safe.

When my mom was first admitted Covid was still causing problems so visiting was restricted and I was kept away for a while which probably helped her to settle and form relationships with the staff. I have what I call my brick wall and put on a brave face occasionally that brick wall crumbles but gets built back up as I still need to carry on.

Take care and be kind to yourself you are doing your best for your mom.

Thank you for your reply. I know people on here understand x

 

[Springiscoming]

We can't even say care home, we are at the moment pretending she has been sent there from the hospital for rehab and will then go home which makes me feel even more guilty.....

The thing that actually worked for my granny when all else had failed was “convalescent home”.
I think all of us are using lies, “white lies”, “love lies” as there is no rational conversation to be had with a person with dementia and they will usually dig their heels in, or try to, to prevent the help they need being provided. Try not to feel guilty, you are acting out of care and love.

 

[Jakesterblack]

The thing that actually worked for my granny when all else had failed was “convalescent home”.
I think all of us are using lies, “white lies”, “love lies” as there is no rational conversation to be had with a person with dementia and they will usually dig their heels in, or try to, to prevent the help they need being provided. Try not to feel guilty, you are acting out of care and love.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Ye when we try and explain anything she just reverts straight back to same story, I look after myself, I take my medication, I clean my house and i go out on the bus into town for coffee there is nothing wrong with me... there is no point any more saying you haven't done this for over four years mum... it just frustrates and upsets us so we just agree and see yes but at the moment you need to be looked after so you have to stay here for a bit .....

 

[SherwoodSue]

You could ring Wednesday ask how mum is and ask if you should visit or make the stepping back one full week ?

They will advise you

Good luck x

 

[Jakesterblack]

You could ring Wednesday ask how mum is and ask if you should visit or make the stepping back one full week ?

They will advise you

Good luck x

Ye good idea, I will do that x

 

[phill]

Maybe also ask them what time of day would be best for visiting her once you do resume visiting. I only say that because, if she is someone who “ sundowns”, then your idea to visit her after you finish work could mean seeing her at the time of day when she’s at her least calm.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Maybe also ask them what time of day would be best for visiting her once you do resume visiting. I only say that because, if she is someone who “ sundowns”, then your idea to visit her after you finish work could mean seeing her at the time of day when she’s at her least calm.

Ye problem is I work full time in the office Monday to Friday so apart from weekend has to be evenings after work...

 

[Jakesterblack]

Mum has been in the care home now for 4 weeks... it hasn't been the easiest time and every day is different to be honest. The guilt I and my sister are feeling is awful but I know we have done what we had to do. Mum asks on most visits when she will get home and if her house is still there.. which makes me feel like she knows deep down she is in a care home now for the rest of her days... we have to lie and say we don't know when she can get home and yes her house is still there (even though we are in the process of clearing it to sell it for her care).... Days when we visit and she is confused are the easiest visits for us as she has no idea what is going on on those days which sounds awful but she doesn't ask the questions she is just happy to see us and chat about other stuff.. the other days when she is more lucid are the harder visits for us and I think for her also. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these visits? At the moment we just cut them shorter and on good visits stay longer...

 

[DollyM1]

Mum has been in the care home now for 4 weeks... it hasn't been the easiest time and every day is different to be honest. The guilt I and my sister are feeling is awful but I know we have done what we had to do. Mum asks on most visits when she will get home and if her house is still there.. which makes me feel like she knows deep down she is in a care home now for the rest of her days... we have to lie and say we don't know when she can get home and yes her house is still there (even though we are in the process of clearing it to sell it for her care).... Days when we visit and she is confused are the easiest visits for us as she has no idea what is going on on those days which sounds awful but she doesn't ask the questions she is just happy to see us and chat about other stuff.. the other days when she is more lucid are the harder visits for us and I think for her also. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these visits? At the moment we just cut them shorter and on good visits stay longer...

Please be prepared for the questioning to go on longer than you hope. Dad went in for 2 weeks respite and never came home. He complained relentlessly and we just stuck to the “you can come home when the doctor says”, or “when your eating is better” or anything else we could think of! Truth was he couldn’t look after himself, he refused to allow the lovely carer we found to do anything very much, he was being scammed financially etc, etc. We also had to sell his house to pay for care and never told him. Lying to your parent seems so wrong but is necessary x

 

[Jakesterblack]

Please be prepared for the questioning to go on longer than you hope. Dad went in for 2 weeks respite and never came home. He complained relentlessly and we just stuck to the “you can come home when the doctor says”, or “when your eating is better” or anything else we could think of! Truth was he couldn’t look after himself, he refused to allow the lovely carer we found to do anything very much, he was being scammed financially etc, etc. We also had to sell his house to pay for care and never told him. Lying to your parent seems so wrong but is necessary x

I know, just feel so guilty all the time. The stress of looking after mum has gone and i know she is safe, clean, well fed but the guilt and now stress of lying and selling her house has taken over.

 

[JHA]

I know, just feel so guilty all the time. The stress of looking after mum has gone and i know she is safe, clean, well fed but the guilt and now stress of lying and selling her house has taken over.

It is so hard to not feel guilty - I still feel guilty over two years down the line and wish there had been another solution but I have to look at it from a different perspective to be able to push that feeling away. You had no other choice but to make the decisions you have made - I did the same and although my mom has been in her care home a lot longer I am still in the process of selling her house (long story) and one stressful situation just replaces another.

If you are anything like me you will have good days and bad days where everything seems impossible but you will get through it - offload on here everyone understands.

Take care and be kind to yourself it is early days but you are doing the best for your mom so just remember that.

 

[Jakesterblack]

It is so hard to not feel guilty - I still feel guilty over two years down the line and wish there had been another solution but I have to look at it from a different perspective to be able to push that feeling away. You had no other choice but to make the decisions you have made - I did the same and although my mom has been in her care home a lot longer I am still in the process of selling her house (long story) and one stressful situation just replaces another.

If you are anything like me you will have good days and bad days where everything seems impossible but you will get through it - offload on here everyone understands.

Take care and be kind to yourself it is early days but you are doing the best for your mom so just remember that.

 

[Jakesterblack]

Thank you so much for your reply. I actually managed to get away on holiday for four days and for the first time in a long long time I could sleep easy knowing that mum was being looked after. She still asks every single visit when can I go home and I am still trying to clear her hour room by room which is an ongoing task at the moment but I do know she needed looked after properly and even though she isn't happy there she is clean and warm and put weight on again as she is eating. Hopefully in time she may settle a wee bit more... but we will see. Day at a time x

 

[JHA]

Thank you so much for your reply. I actually managed to get away on holiday for four days and for the first time in a long long time I could sleep easy knowing that mum was being looked after. She still asks every single visit when can I go home and I am still trying to clear her hour room by room which is an ongoing task at the moment but I do know she needed looked after properly and even though she isn't happy there she is clean and warm and put weight on again as she is eating. Hopefully in time she may settle a wee bit more... but we will see. Day at a time x

Day at a time is the perfect answer. Be kind to yourself it is not your fault you or your mom are in this situation.