End of my tether....

[sparklestars]

I am an only child, my Mother is 76 and widowed (5 years) and lives round the corner. I am a working single parent with a 9 year old child and I have been 'noticing' things are not quite right with my Mother for 2 years now. I tried to talk to her neighbour and a friend of hers at the time - but they both made me feel I was making things up and it was "just her age". I did persuade her to have a memory test at the GP which was 6/10 at the time - which he said was 'normal'.

We have had a strained relationship since my Dad died as she became extremely demanding and unreasonable in her expectations of me - I stuck to my boundaries firmly and we have limped on since then.

Anyway, fast forward to Christmas this year - I went on a 3 night trip with my daughter prior to Christmas - Mother knew about it, there was a text on her phone to prove this. I got back 23rd December, the next morning there was a Policewoman hammering on my front door - saying that Mother had phoned them and said that me and my daughter had gone missing, she didn't know where we were and we must have had an accident!! The WPC had looked through Mother's phone and got my contact details and realised where we were and had come round to see me. The WPC starting asking if I had noticed my Mother "being forgetful" or "getting confused". I replied that if she was trying to hint that Mother might be getting dementia I had long thought that but no one will believe me. The WPC said yes, that is what she meant and she would get the Mental Health Team in to see her if she could. Mother did apparently have an infection too at the time - which I know causes her to become even more confused than usual. I phoned my Mother afterwards but we ended up in a row (she was accusing me of all sorts of weird things) and she still came round for Christmas Day dinner as planned - but there was a very hostile atmosphere from both of us (I was very angry as it's not the first Christmas she's ruined for my daughter).

Anyway, I wrote a letter to her GP raising my concerns, he called her in and did another memory test - apparently the score was 'better' than last time and he was going to "sign her off". He never told her about my letter (I'd asked him not to) and I have heard nothing directly from him, which I understand due to Confidentiality, so the update is from my Mother who thought he was simply calling her in because she'd been ill recently. It appears though that she still did 'fine' in the 10 question memory test (AMT?).

However, I did not see her for 2 weeks from Christmas Day, I knew she was 'ok' as I drove past and could see lights on, curtains closed etc. I eventually texted her as she hadn't even turned up to collect my daughter from after school club which she usually does. I explained in the text that I was hurt and upset at all the things she accused me of and we agreed I would go round. I got there and she had changed all the locks so that I couldn't get in with the keys I had for her house and - when I asked - said it was because "someone" was coming in and moving stuff around and stealing stuff when she was out. I asked what stuff, she replied "Just things, I can't remember exactly - my mouth organ for example". I asked if she was trying to imply she thought it was me (only the neighbour and myself had keys) and she evaded answering but clearly did!!! I have had keys for her home for years and online access to her bank accounts for years - the thought that I would 'sneak' in and steal a harmonica worth a couple of pounds is ludicrous!

After a while of talking it appeared we'd made some headway - she disclosed she was utterly miserable and lonely, did not want to live in the house anymore and wanted to move to sheltered housing with people round her. We discussed what we could do - starting with arranging a Lasting Power of Attorney - I have an old (unregistered) Enduring Power of Attorney for her, but felt an updated LPA would be better as she could tick the box on it to allow me to deal with her financial affairs whilst she still had capacity. This was one of the difficulties I'd had trying to support her previously - having to always be with her or have her at the end of the phone to carry out transactions. So, I left with an agreed plan of action - we were going to meet with her neighbour to do the LPA, I was going to look at sheltered housing and extra care options, we were going to sort out her bank accounts and so on. She texted me the next day (Friday) to say we were going to meet with the neighbour on Monday.

I texted the neighbour today - he texts back saying Mother cancelled tomorrow's meeting this morning as she "wasn't feeling well". I had heard nothing from her about it! I phoned her land line, no answer, texted her, no answer - phoned on her mobile but withheld my number - she answered! I questioned what was going on, she said yes she'd cancelled as she didn't feel well and there was 'no rush'. I pointed out that she hadn't told me it was cancelled - she replied "I was going to but didn't get round to it.". I asked what was going on as a few days ago she couldn't get out of the house quick enough and I had spent the whole day Friday researching options for her.

She replied that she was "still annoyed" at me for "the things I'd done" to her?!! I asked what things she was on about - she started on again about how nothing had been moved or gone missing since she'd had the locks changed and then basically accused me of having gone in and moved or stolen stuff before and "all the other stuff" I'd done to her (none of which she could specify). She'd previously accused me of "pushing her out" because when I gave birth I chose to have the baby's father with me instead of her and all sorts of completely irrational/unreasonable stuff.

She has clearly got it into her head that I am some sort of devil child - I dread to think what she has been telling her friends!! The thing is, she seems to be able to 'cover it up' to people she doesn't know that well and is also 'normal' for days at a time but then switches back unexpectedly to this?!! She was absolutely horrified a few days ago (when she was 'well') when I was talking to her about some of the things she'd previously accused me of - she said the thought had never occurred to her that I'd steal off her, what an awful thing for any Mother to think of their child and so on.

Apart from the WPC though I don't think anyone believes me?! I don't know what to do - I'm also worried about how vulnerable she is financially as she is also easily persuaded by people and has no idea with her finances. I am concerned about the neighbour's involvement - but what can I do when nobody believes how strangely she is acting.

Sorry it's so long but I'm completely on my own (we have no other family) with all of this - in addition to having a child, a job and a life of my own to organise.

Thanks for reading.

 

[marionq]

The neighbours will certainly have noticed strange behaviour. As she deteriorates they may also find themselves the target of her paranoia. The only thing you can do at present is back off until it reaches a point where others ask you to act. You can see her finances online so should be able to check if she is being scammed.

Try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. You will have enough to worry about with things as they are.

 

[sparklestars]

The neighbours will certainly have noticed strange behaviour. As she deteriorates they may also find themselves the target of her paranoia. The only thing you can do at present is back off until it reaches a point where others ask you to act. You can see her finances online so should be able to check if she is being scammed.

Try not to worry about things that haven't happened yet. You will have enough to worry about with things as they are.

Thanks for taking the time to respond marionq - I hope you are right....I'm not so sure the neighbours will have noticed as they seem to put everything down to "she's just getting older" It makes me start wondering if it really is early dementia or just that she's so bitter at me for not doing what she wants/expects (ie having her to live with me) Though surely that's not the behaviour/actions of someone without cognitive issues....?!

Sorry should have clarified - I have access to some of the bank accounts - but there are others (one with £100k in) with quite a lot in that I don't have any online access to so I can't see what's happening with those.

It's more the fact I'm trying to convince myself she does or does not have early stage dementia....one minute I'm thinking "Yes, no doubt about it...." the next I'm wondering if it's just that she hates me!!

 

[marionq]

Her behaviour with the police, the locks, the accusations is all typical of some kind of dementia but of course there could be other causes. The one thing I've learned while acting as carer to my husband is that future actions are entirely unpredictable and all the more stressful because of that.

It is important when you have a small child to distance her and yourself from the destructive emotions of this type of behaviour. Your child needs you and your mother is pushing you away. I would stand back. She is not going to starve. Her life and illness will develop whether or not you worry yourself to bits.

Believe me I sympathise. Dementia feels like a witches curse

 

[sparklestars]

Her behaviour with the police, the locks, the accusations is all typical of some kind of dementia but of course there could be other causes. The one thing I've learned while acting as carer to my husband is that future actions are entirely unpredictable and all the more stressful because of that.

It is important when you have a small child to distance her and yourself from the destructive emotions of this type of behaviour. Your child needs you and your mother is pushing you away. I would stand back. She is not going to starve. Her life and illness will develop whether or not you worry yourself to bits.

Believe me I sympathise. Dementia feels like a witches curse

Thank you again Marionq both for your sympathy and understanding - that's it exactly, I have distanced myself because I have felt my child is suffering/losing out and my daughter is the most important thing to me. I am positive though that Mother's friends/neighbours are then whispering in her ear and winding her up about I 'should' do this and I 'should' do that...it's my 'duty as a daughter' and all that stuff.

Thank you for the validation though - you are right, she is pushing me away and yes, things are going to progress whether I am close to it or not. I don't want my daughter involved in all of this - she has always loved her Grandma and was completely puzzled when Grandma just suddenly stopped picking her up from after school club (I have never 'needed' my Mother to do this as I have a place booked and paid for till 6pm and I am home by 5.30pm) without any warning or contact.

I had always thought/hoped that whatever happened between Mother and I (we have long had a 'difficult' relationship) she truly loved my daughter and would never have done anything to hurt her. My Mother was crying when she picked her up from school this week (after we had spoken) saying she had thought she was "never going to see her again" as if I had stopped her from seeing her....when I never had....she had simply not turned up to collect her the week before, with no warning or anything.

 

[Leitch]

End of tether

Hello Sparklstar
You are desperate, you need support, please don't doubt yourself you know your mum better than anyone, I understand, I am in a similar position with my husband not all the issues you have but that no one else believes me that something is wrong, it's unbearable,isolating, frightening. You are at your wits end. Who can help we'll I dont know , like you I have spoken to doc etc but no help. I live in Scotland so not sure if things are the same but we have a service called vocal which is for carers(I am not one) but have found that they have at least listened to me. They provided someone to listen and at least that is something, maybe there is a carers support in your area that might be able to support you at this very bad time.

PM me if you want to talk more and I am sending you a big hug and know that you're doing the best you can at this time and having to do it on your own, you are such a caring daughter. I wish I had the answer but lots of people on TP are here for you know that you are not alone, I know it feels like it. Take care x



=sparklestars;1367214]I am an only child, my Mother is 76 and widowed (5 years) and lives round the corner. I am a working single parent with a 9 year old child and I have been 'noticing' things are not quite right with my Mother for 2 years now. I tried to talk to her neighbour and a friend of hers at the time - but they both made me feel I was making things up and it was "just her age". I did persuade her to have a memory test at the GP which was 6/10 at the time - which he said was 'normal'.

We have had a strained relationship since my Dad died as she became extremely demanding and unreasonable in her expectations of me - I stuck to my boundaries firmly and we have limped on since then.

Anyway, fast forward to Christmas this year - I went on a 3 night trip with my daughter prior to Christmas - Mother knew about it, there was a text on her phone to prove this. I got back 23rd December, the next morning there was a Policewoman hammering on my front door - saying that Mother had phoned them and said that me and my daughter had gone missing, she didn't know where we were and we must have had an accident!! The WPC had looked through Mother's phone and got my contact details and realised where we were and had come round to see me. The WPC starting asking if I had noticed my Mother "being forgetful" or "getting confused". I replied that if she was trying to hint that Mother might be getting dementia I had long thought that but no one will believe me. The WPC said yes, that is what she meant and she would get the Mental Health Team in to see her if she could. Mother did apparently have an infection too at the time - which I know causes her to become even more confused than usual. I phoned my Mother afterwards but we ended up in a row (she was accusing me of all sorts of weird things) and she still came round for Christmas Day dinner as planned - but there was a very hostile atmosphere from both of us (I was very angry as it's not the first Christmas she's ruined for my daughter).

Anyway, I wrote a letter to her GP raising my concerns, he called her in and did another memory test - apparently the score was 'better' than last time and he was going to "sign her off". He never told her about my letter (I'd asked him not to) and I have heard nothing directly from him, which I understand due to Confidentiality, so the update is from my Mother who thought he was simply calling her in because she'd been ill recently. It appears though that she still did 'fine' in the 10 question memory test (AMT?).

However, I did not see her for 2 weeks from Christmas Day, I knew she was 'ok' as I drove past and could see lights on, curtains closed etc. I eventually texted her as she hadn't even turned up to collect my daughter from after school club which she usually does. I explained in the text that I was hurt and upset at all the things she accused me of and we agreed I would go round. I got there and she had changed all the locks so that I couldn't get in with the keys I had for her house and - when I asked - said it was because "someone" was coming in and moving stuff around and stealing stuff when she was out. I asked what stuff, she replied "Just things, I can't remember exactly - my mouth organ for example". I asked if she was trying to imply she thought it was me (only the neighbour and myself had keys) and she evaded answering but clearly did!!! I have had keys for her home for years and online access to her bank accounts for years - the thought that I would 'sneak' in and steal a harmonica worth a couple of pounds is ludicrous!

After a while of talking it appeared we'd made some headway - she disclosed she was utterly miserable and lonely, did not want to live in the house anymore and wanted to move to sheltered housing with people round her. We discussed what we could do - starting with arranging a Lasting Power of Attorney - I have an old (unregistered) Enduring Power of Attorney for her, but felt an updated LPA would be better as she could tick the box on it to allow me to deal with her financial affairs whilst she still had capacity. This was one of the difficulties I'd had trying to support her previously - having to always be with her or have her at the end of the phone to carry out transactions. So, I left with an agreed plan of action - we were going to meet with her neighbour to do the LPA, I was going to look at sheltered housing and extra care options, we were going to sort out her bank accounts and so on. She texted me the next day (Friday) to say we were going to meet with the neighbour on Monday.

I texted the neighbour today - he texts back saying Mother cancelled tomorrow's meeting this morning as she "wasn't feeling well". I had heard nothing from her about it! I phoned her land line, no answer, texted her, no answer - phoned on her mobile but withheld my number - she answered! I questioned what was going on, she said yes she'd cancelled as she didn't feel well and there was 'no rush'. I pointed out that she hadn't told me it was cancelled - she replied "I was going to but didn't get round to it.". I asked what was going on as a few days ago she couldn't get out of the house quick enough and I had spent the whole day Friday researching options for her.

She replied that she was "still annoyed" at me for "the things I'd done" to her?!! I asked what things she was on about - she started on again about how nothing had been moved or gone missing since she'd had the locks changed and then basically accused me of having gone in and moved or stolen stuff before and "all the other stuff" I'd done to her (none of which she could specify). She'd previously accused me of "pushing her out" because when I gave birth I chose to have the baby's father with me instead of her and all sorts of completely irrational/unreasonable stuff.

She has clearly got it into her head that I am some sort of devil child - I dread to think what she has been telling her friends!! The thing is, she seems to be able to 'cover it up' to people she doesn't know that well and is also 'normal' for days at a time but then switches back unexpectedly to this?!! She was absolutely horrified a few days ago (when she was 'well') when I was talking to her about some of the things she'd previously accused me of - she said the thought had never occurred to her that I'd steal off her, what an awful thing for any Mother to think of their child and so on.

Apart from the WPC though I don't think anyone believes me?! I don't know what to do - I'm also worried about how vulnerable she is financially as she is also easily persuaded by people and has no idea with her finances. I am concerned about the neighbour's involvement - but what can I do when nobody believes how strangely she is acting.

Sorry it's so long but I'm completely on my own (we have no other family) with all of this - in addition to having a child, a job and a life of my own to organise.

Thanks for reading.[/QUOTE]

 

[cragmaid]

Hello. I think, for your Daughter's sake that you need to a) tell her that Grandma is poorly and sometimes does things that seem silly to us....Like telling people that she is not allowed to see you, which is not true.

b) tell the school that because of Mum's health issues, you don't want Mum to pick her up solo from school. You don't have to specify, just ask them to say that the rules have changed.

These seem harsh, but your little girl needs to be protected.

After this, write all your concerns down and send a copy, including a copy of your post, to both your Mum's GP and to the Adult Social Care Dept of your Local Authority asking them to consider your mother as vulnerable. I would particularly mention that the Police have been involved once to your knowledge.

In an ideal world, you would get Mum seen, get an LPA done, and get carers to help out..... but sadly, it's rarely an ideal world. Try telling her that she does not want strangers making the decisions for her does she? I used the tale about X falling down stairs and being unconcious at the hospital. If you can get the LPA's downloaded and signed and witnessed asap, fine and good. If the worst comes to the worst and she rejects help, you can and must realise that none of it is your fault.
Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[sparklestars]

Thank you so much Leitch and Maureen for your responses, I really appreciate the time everyone has taken to read and reply.

Leitch - my utmost sympathies to you too, it is a horrible situation to be in where you can so clearly see something happening but others refuse to believe it I am in England but I am thinking of trying to get some counselling as you're right, I do need someone to talk to. My Mother has always been a 'difficult' person so to be dealing with this on top of all that has gone on beforehand is very complex.

Maureen - thank you, I have wondered about this but until now never had a 'reason' to be concerned about her contact with my daughter but yes, I think I do need to do that. I have told my daughter that Grandma is 'ill' by way of an explanation and luckily she has seen plenty of examples of Grandma 'losing' and forgetting things so I think she takes things my Mother says/does with a pinch of salt. It's really going to upset my Mother (when she's 'well' again....if she is...) to not be allowed to pick my daughter up as it's part of her 'routine' - but I don't think I feel comfortable with her doing it anymore anyway. It's only about a mile away, but she drives and I don't like the thought of my daughter in the car with her anymore. Also, if she's going to start picking up and dropping my daughter (emotionally) then I most certainly will not allow that to happen as it's not fair on my girl. I hesitate to contact Social Services as the GP saw Mother only last week and appears to think she's 'fine' and I suspect that if I contact them at this 'stage', whilst she is still able to 'mask' things or is having frequent 'well' days too they will just think that I am fabricating things

I don't know how 'ethical' it is - but last week I covertly recorded the conversation I had with her (where she talked about changing the locks/people stealing things/couldn't understand why I'd need a key to open the door anyway, surely the door would just 'open' and so on) using an app on my mobile phone. I've done this purely for my own protection but also as 'proof' if needs be at a later date of what has been going on. She started off the conversation with basically accusing me of sneaking in the house/moving stuff etc - but by the end (an hour later) was expressing herself as 'horrified' at me thinking for even one moment she would ever accuse me of anything like that!! It's like Jekyll and Hyde sigh.

 

[cragmaid]

but last week I covertly recorded the conversation I had with her

... Luckily I never had to record anything. I know others have, but I used to keep a diary record and could quote verbatim, conversations we had had during her more manic phases.

 

[bumblefeet]

You totally have my sympathies with this one. I thought that 'something wasn't right' up to a year before we had our crisis, and this too, was brushed off as being mum's age. Unfortunately, other posters are quite correct, it's really a waiting game.

Your mum is just not 'joining the dots up', and nothing makes sense to her. There's no point in applying logic to any situation, as she simply doesn't have any. Distract and deflect, and just do the best you can.

I would also agree with previous posters, and stop the school pick ups, as they will no doubt become more erratic as time passes.

You have my utmost understanding, please keep posting.
xx

 

[HillyBilly]

I hesitate to contact Social Services as the GP saw Mother only last week and appears to think she's 'fine' and I suspect that if I contact them at this 'stage', whilst she is still able to 'mask' things or is having frequent 'well' days too they will just think that I am fabricating things

I don't know how 'ethical' it is - but last week I covertly recorded the conversation I had with her (where she talked about changing the locks/people stealing things/couldn't understand why I'd need a key to open the door anyway, surely the door would just 'open' and so on) using an app on my mobile phone. I've done this purely for my own protection but also as 'proof' if needs be at a later date of what has been going on. She started off the conversation with basically accusing me of sneaking in the house/moving stuff etc - but by the end (an hour later) was expressing herself as 'horrified' at me thinking for even one moment she would ever accuse me of anything like that!! It's like Jekyll and Hyde sigh.

If I've understood correctly, it's only your Mum's word that the GP said she was "fine" and did "better" in the memory test. Unfortunately you have no idea what the GP actually said...are you sure your Mum even went the second time?! Writing yet again to the GP with EVERYTHING you've witnessed and experienced is all you can do for now, on that front, along with the advice from others above.

Recording things as you've done is also a very good idea, well done.

 

[Tara62]

I recently used my father's old-style EPA to get access to some of his building society accounts with no problems at all, so maybe you could do the same and save yourself the bother and expense of the LPA? I had a meeting with the bs, took in some of my ID and they copied the EPA and put me on their system as someone who is allowed to access those accounts in the future.

The building society (The Leeds) told me that many people think you can't use an EPA until the person has lost capacity, but in fact this is not the case.** The situation with the building society now is that my father and I can both have access to that particular account - not that he would want to, but he would still be allowed to do so.

**I am not claiming that this is the final answer to the EPA vs LPA issue, only that this is the way that this one particular building society sees it.

 

[sparklestars]

Thanks again for all the time and responses, I am so drained today and feel utterly ill myself. I texted Mother about a jumper my daughter had left there, she dropped it round this morning (didn't want me in the house so that I don't 'steal' stuff I suspect ) and she was also supposed to be dropping off a bag with the roasting tin and dishes that she'd took away the remains of the Christmas dinner in on Christmas Day. Instead, she has left me with 3 tins of biscuits that were presents to her from others (labels still on the bags) and a load of paperwork dating from 2003-2015 (probably some of the stuff that is 'missing' ), a box of old photos and a strange tin containing odd bits and pieces (cotton reels, thimble etc). Goodness knows what that's all doing in there?! I texted her to tell her and she said she must've dropped the wrong bag off but "if u want a biscuit feel free" - ha, no thanks....then I'll be accused of stealing something else!!! She didn't want to come into mine when I invited her, I told her to try her key in the door whilst she was here (as she accused me the other day of changing my locks as her key to my door didn't fit!!) but she couldn't find it <sigh>.

I did say to her whilst she was here - and have texted so she has it in writing - that as she is so often not feeling well enough to pick up my daughter recently it's best if I always pick her up from now on and that she is welcome to come round here to see her whenever she wants. I also wrote "Just wanted to make it clear that I never have and never would stop you seeing her (as you'd got a bit mixed up before so didn't want that happening again)". She had accused me of stopping her seeing her granddaughter which was a huge and very hurtful lie - as it was her that just failed to turn up and collect my daughter the week before last, without contacting me or anything.

I have a permanently churning stomach as I am constantly waiting for what's going to happen next - and have been for a few months now. One of the worst things for me is that I am sure she is presenting as so 'plausible' to her friends and neighbours and they will all be believing what she is saying about me (and goodness knows what that might be!!)....I don't particularly like them anyway as they are very bossy and interfering - but I don't like the thought either that my character is being 'trashed' the way it is when I am one of the most straight and honest people there is. I know it's not her 'fault' - but still the accusations being levelled at me are both offensive and insulting....I'm not sure how I am supposed to get to a point of not being bothered by them

Thanks again for 'listening'

 

[sparklestars]

You totally have my sympathies with this one. I thought that 'something wasn't right' up to a year before we had our crisis, and this too, was brushed off as being mum's age. Unfortunately, other posters are quite correct, it's really a waiting game.

Your mum is just not 'joining the dots up', and nothing makes sense to her. There's no point in applying logic to any situation, as she simply doesn't have any. Distract and deflect, and just do the best you can.

I would also agree with previous posters, and stop the school pick ups, as they will no doubt become more erratic as time passes.

You have my utmost understanding, please keep posting.
xx

Thank you bumblefeet - you are right, and the 'waiting' is the worst part I think....I just know it's all going to come tumbling down....but how....and when

I am such a 'logical' person myself and although I 'know' it's a waste of time as logic is often one of the first things to go, it's so hard to not try and put forward a logical argument.

I have stopped the school pick ups now, I will tell the after school club staff too when I pick my daughter up this evening.

 

[sparklestars]

If I've understood correctly, it's only your Mum's word that the GP said she was "fine" and did "better" in the memory test. Unfortunately you have no idea what the GP actually said...are you sure your Mum even went the second time?! Writing yet again to the GP with EVERYTHING you've witnessed and experienced is all you can do for now, on that front, along with the advice from others above.

Recording things as you've done is also a very good idea, well done.

Thank you Hillybilly - yes, it is only my Mum's word on the GP....I am pretty sure she did go (she has long used any excuse to get to the GP's!) and she quite possibly did do better than last time (though you're right, we do only have her word for it!) as she's so up and down and may have been on a 'good' day when she went. It happened last time I took her 2 years ago too....we'd been having some right shenanigans before hand but lo and behold she was fine (ish) for the memory test. Though it is only a simple 10 question one....doesn't really show anything about people's ability to 'think', make decisions, reason or plan. I will try writing again to the GP but I do fear that I am simply going to be judged as some kind of person with a vendetta (like 'Gaslight'!) or that I have 'a problem'.

Thank you for saying the recording seems a good idea....I wasn't sure how it stood ethically but she is making me feel really scared of what I am going to be accused of next!! I feel I need to protect myself by making sure as much as possible is documented in some way. I'm also writing down the basics of any phone conversation we have and dating that. Awful that anyone should have to go to such lengths but there we go, it is what it is.

 

[sparklestars]

I recently used my father's old-style EPA to get access to some of his building society accounts with no problems at all, so maybe you could do the same and save yourself the bother and expense of the LPA? I had a meeting with the bs, took in some of my ID and they copied the EPA and put me on their system as someone who is allowed to access those accounts in the future.

The building society (The Leeds) told me that many people think you can't use an EPA until the person has lost capacity, but in fact this is not the case.** The situation with the building society now is that my father and I can both have access to that particular account - not that he would want to, but he would still be allowed to do so.

**I am not claiming that this is the final answer to the EPA vs LPA issue, only that this is the way that this one particular building society sees it.

Thank you Tara62 - that's interesting to know. I am a little concerned as the unregistered EPA names myself and my late Father as Attorneys - but does say we can act "jointly and severally" so that either of us could act in our own right. I wasn't sure if it was still valid though as my Dad has since passed away. I have emailed the OPG with the query. I don't really want to use it now in case the bank or building society inform my Mother of the fact - with her paranoia where it is at the moment I am sure she would go ballistic and seek to 'revoke' it....because she is making decisions based on the 'awful' person her mind is now telling her I am....not on the basis of the daughter she knew I was when she signed the EPA.

Difficult

 

[Oh Knickers]

Dementia

Hi Sparklestars,

These things are the pits, aren't they. My mother scored 28/30 on her last memory test. She has forgotten members of her own generation nuclear family, is forgetting words, is increasingly confused and has the memory of a guppy (5 seconds). Somehow a PWD can put on a really good face and it pulls the wool over, if not a whole flock of sheep, over the observers' eyes.

Sorry to hear about your history with your mum. In the same place on that one. If you can, try and separate who your mum was then and who she is now. She sounds very lost. You might find it helpful to read 'So Bizarre', jorgieporgie and Molly D's threads.

Do ensure you and your daughter are protected. However, the suggestions of contacting SS is a good one. If you can, keep a diary of events as you will, inevitably, forget how the situation escalates. It is then a record, for you as well, as to how the situation is changing. For example, all your mother might have remembered was to return 'tins' so she returned biscuit tins as they made more sense than baking trays.

Your mother, despite the way she is coming out all guns blazing with you, is now very vulnerable. It might be worth, if you can discretely, keeping an eye on her car. My mother built up an increasing catalogue of minor dents on her car. She was blaming the other residents in her Assisted Living. However, the evidence of stones welded to her bumper after reversing into her friend's wall gave the heads up and I contacted DVLA who removed her licence.

There are threads on compassionate communication. Probably the last thing you want to be thinking of now. However, the only person you can control is yourself. If you can keep yourself calm as well as diffuse the heads on approach from your mum things will, in time, calm down. You can also walk away.

You have done well in protecting your daughter. Start building up the emotional distance as you will be involved with SS in order to protect your mum from herself. If you can find a way to get the POAs in place you can then sort out the care she is going to need. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but get it in place.

Best of luck on this one.

 

[sparklestars]

Hi Sparklestars,

These things are the pits, aren't they. My mother scored 28/30 on her last memory test. She has forgotten members of her own generation nuclear family, is forgetting words, is increasingly confused and has the memory of a guppy (5 seconds). Somehow a PWD can put on a really good face and it pulls the wool over, if not a whole flock of sheep, over the observers' eyes.

Sorry to hear about your history with your mum. In the same place on that one. If you can, try and separate who your mum was then and who she is now. She sounds very lost. You might find it helpful to read 'So Bizarre', jorgieporgie and Molly D's threads.

Do ensure you and your daughter are protected. However, the suggestions of contacting SS is a good one. If you can, keep a diary of events as you will, inevitably, forget how the situation escalates. It is then a record, for you as well, as to how the situation is changing. For example, all your mother might have remembered was to return 'tins' so she returned biscuit tins as they made more sense than baking trays.

Your mother, despite the way she is coming out all guns blazing with you, is now very vulnerable. It might be worth, if you can discretely, keeping an eye on her car. My mother built up an increasing catalogue of minor dents on her car. She was blaming the other residents in her Assisted Living. However, the evidence of stones welded to her bumper after reversing into her friend's wall gave the heads up and I contacted DVLA who removed her licence.

There are threads on compassionate communication. Probably the last thing you want to be thinking of now. However, the only person you can control is yourself. If you can keep yourself calm as well as diffuse the heads on approach from your mum things will, in time, calm down. You can also walk away.

You have done well in protecting your daughter. Start building up the emotional distance as you will be involved with SS in order to protect your mum from herself. If you can find a way to get the POAs in place you can then sort out the care she is going to need. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but get it in place.

Best of luck on this one.

Thanks Oh Knickers (really lol?!) Thank you for your input, much appreciated.

Yes, I do worry about her driving I put my concerns in the letter I sent to the GP the week before last...she has been having lots of minor 'bumps' over the last 12 months....always someone else's fault of course

I'm sure you are right about the tins - that sounds just about right for how her thinking seems to be at the moment. Really impossible to get the POA's sorted as for sure she will refuse where I'm involved as she is extremely 'suspicious' of me and thinks everything I do I'm "up to no good". Also, the people I would ask to witness (certificate provider) are her friends and neighbours - we haven't exactly 'fallen out' but as they insist there is nothing wrong with Mother we have had 'words' before now....as they are all just making the situation worse!! Therefore, I wouldn't ask any of them to sign it now as I realise she has most likely been bad mouthing me to them too and no doubt they believe whatever she is telling them

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a similar position to me with my Mother....it's so hard to be dealing with something like this if you've already found your Mother a 'difficult' person for decades beforehand (well I have anyway)....without adding this on top of it.

I tried to get her to accept some help going in last week....she was all for moving into sheltered housing Thursday (her idea!) as I'd already suggested care package at home but she said she was lonely and wanted people round her. Now this! Mind you, reading through the threads, I'm not so sure extra care/sheltered would be a good idea now anyway....it may just cause further disorientation/decline and if she gets much worse she'd probably just have to leave there anyway. Maybe it's better she stays put as long as she can just about cope (though clearly not very well at all) until circumstances 'force' a change to happen.

I am trying to get some distance and to be honest I did start to distance myself about 2 years ago by putting boundaries in place (as my daughter and I would have had no life if I hadn't). It's so much harder now though as I have a sense of impending doom, a crescendo building and that some awful event/calamity is about to happen - though I'm not sure what. I feel so stressed and anxious though it's awful and not as if I can even contact her friends/neighbours to see what they think or ask them to be more watchful - as I've no doubt they will be believing whatever she says about me and will just think I'm 'setting her up' to be committed or something (pretty sure that's what she thinks).

Aaaagh!!

 

[Oh Knickers]

Dementia

Hi Sparklestars,

Well, thank you.

What has been a lifesaver for me has been talking with the Alzheimers Society. I have a very controlling sibling who is now driving me as bonkers as mother did. Offloading with Alzheimer's has saved my sanity in difficult periods.

I suggested you keep a log of your mum's trajectory. It might also be wise to keep a log of your conversations with the various authorities e.g GP. Should anything untoward happen you can then refer back - hopefully, to their huge embarrassment! To be fair, these guys tend to have huge workloads, something is going to fall off the edge. Ann Mac of this site takes meticulous notes and is able to refer back which has helped move her MIL's care forward. Having good notes can give those in authority pause for thought as 'Legal' comes to mind.

Be guided by Alzheimer's as they have a huge experience of Dementia and how things work locally. If they are worried, you have a right to be worried, nevermind the naysayers near your mum.

Take care.

 

[canary]

Oh, that all sounds horribly familiar, sparklestars

At the beginning mum too accused me of stealing from her and badmouthed me to the neighbours. She changed her locks, wouldnt go to any of the memory clinic appointments (because everyone was just trying to put her away and steal all her money), refused to have any carers in her home and generally got quite paranoid. Like your mum, though, she could still put on a good face (called "hostess mode" on here) and appear quite normal and I wondered what the neighbours thought of me.

However...............
By the time I managed to get her into a care home she wasnt washing or changing her clothes, she kept getting into arguments with these very neighbours over the bins, the woman across the road had contacted the police because she said that mum was harrassing her, mum started going out at night in her nightclothes (and on one memorable occasion wearing nothing more than an unfastened dressing gown ) and bashing on these neighbours doors in the wee small hours of the morning because she was lost........
By this stage NO ONE thought there was nothing wrong with her.