End of my tether....

[sparklestars]

Hi Sparklestars,

Well, thank you.

What has been a lifesaver for me has been talking with the Alzheimers Society. I have a very controlling sibling who is now driving me as bonkers as mother did. Offloading with Alzheimer's has saved my sanity in difficult periods.

I suggested you keep a log of your mum's trajectory. It might also be wise to keep a log of your conversations with the various authorities e.g GP. Should anything untoward happen you can then refer back - hopefully, to their huge embarrassment! To be fair, these guys tend to have huge workloads, something is going to fall off the edge. Ann Mac of this site takes meticulous notes and is able to refer back which has helped move her MIL's care forward. Having good notes can give those in authority pause for thought as 'Legal' comes to mind.

Be guided by Alzheimer's as they have a huge experience of Dementia and how things work locally. If they are worried, you have a right to be worried, nevermind the naysayers near your mum.

Take care.

Thank you - that's a good idea re speaking to Alzheimer's Society, I will call them later in the week and see what they have to say

Yes absolutely I will keep a log of all this - luckily I also still have a (complaint!) letter I wrote to the Hospital she was admitted to with an infection 2 years ago and I had raised concerns in there too about her memory and cognition so there is again more evidence that something has not been right for a while.

 

[sparklestars]

Oh, that all sounds horribly familiar, sparklestars

At the beginning mum too accused me of stealing from her and badmouthed me to the neighbours. She changed her locks, wouldnt go to any of the memory clinic appointments (because everyone was just trying to put her away and steal all her money), refused to have any carers in her home and generally got quite paranoid. Like your mum, though, she could still put on a good face (called "hostess mode" on here) and appear quite normal and I wondered what the neighbours thought of me.

However...............
By the time I managed to get her into a care home she wasnt washing or changing her clothes, she kept getting into arguments with these very neighbours over the bins, the woman across the road had contacted the police because she said that mum was harrassing her, mum started going out at night in her nightclothes (and on one memorable occasion wearing nothing more than an unfastened dressing gown ) and bashing on these neighbours doors in the wee small hours of the morning because she was lost........
By this stage NO ONE thought there was nothing wrong with her.

Oh dear Canary - I am so sorry you had a similar experience....it's so frustrating and isolating - amazes me how similar the story is though! Yes, thank you for the phrase "hostess mode" - having looked it up, that's exactly what I think happens with Mother.

I must thank you for raising a smile to my lips though - your droll account of how the tables turned on the neighbours did make me laugh, I hope I can be forgiven for (not so secretly) hoping that some of Mother's sanctimonious friends and neighbours also get a taste of this!!!

 

[blue skies]

You are not alone

Hi Sparklestars, like many prior to me you are not alone, however at times you will be thinking this and how horrible this disease is that your mothers suffering from. Even though your daughter is young she will no doubt be sad for you as at times, you will not be able to hide it from her.
I too have similar problems with my mother, she has been controlling my life on and off for many years, I live just below her so cannot escape. I handed back my house keys to her flat 5 years ago as I was getting accused of entering her flat when she was out, stealing items, china beakers, plates, silver spoons, jewellery, money , the list is endless. Then came the accusations of me running a brothel !!! prostitution !!!! even when I'm at work or gone out for the day, or heaven forbid on holiday. She has called the police who did attend, nothing disturbed and they have even called me at 2.30am and 3.30am in the morning , nothing can assure my mother that this isn't happening, its now every day or night, so sun downing this cannot be. She is also hiding thing's in unusual places, but always has a reason why they are there. I've had CCTV fitted but to no avail and there is no way that I'm agreeing to be a person of the night !!!!, its quiet laughable at times. I have taped some conversations as no one would believe it, her hostess mode is excellent.
I do have an ally in her doctor but getting her there is another battle, I've approached her solicitor as well, just in case she goes a step too far, but again need to get her there for Living power of attorney for heath and wealth.
So there we have it, laughable at times, very very sad at others, with me in tears. My son and daughter know what grannie can be like and are making allowances, but its harming all of our relationships with her. As for me I'm taking a day at a time, what will tomorrow bring who knows, I do know that shares in wine have gone up !!! as sometimes need a glass after a hard day at work and then coping with mother. I love her to bits but this has been steadily going on now for 4 years, over the past two though everyday. DLTBGYD hahaha.

I am an only child, my Mother is 76 and widowed (5 years) and lives round the corner. I am a working single parent with a 9 year old child and I have been 'noticing' things are not quite right with my Mother for 2 years now. I tried to talk to her neighbour and a friend of hers at the time - but they both made me feel I was making things up and it was "just her age". I did persuade her to have a memory test at the GP which was 6/10 at the time - which he said was 'normal'.

We have had a strained relationship since my Dad died as she became extremely demanding and unreasonable in her expectations of me - I stuck to my boundaries firmly and we have limped on since then.

Anyway, fast forward to Christmas this year - I went on a 3 night trip with my daughter prior to Christmas - Mother knew about it, there was a text on her phone to prove this. I got back 23rd December, the next morning there was a Policewoman hammering on my front door - saying that Mother had phoned them and said that me and my daughter had gone missing, she didn't know where we were and we must have had an accident!! The WPC had looked through Mother's phone and got my contact details and realised where we were and had come round to see me. The WPC starting asking if I had noticed my Mother "being forgetful" or "getting confused". I replied that if she was trying to hint that Mother might be getting dementia I had long thought that but no one will believe me. The WPC said yes, that is what she meant and she would get the Mental Health Team in to see her if she could. Mother did apparently have an infection too at the time - which I know causes her to become even more confused than usual. I phoned my Mother afterwards but we ended up in a row (she was accusing me of all sorts of weird things) and she still came round for Christmas Day dinner as planned - but there was a very hostile atmosphere from both of us (I was very angry as it's not the first Christmas she's ruined for my daughter).

Anyway, I wrote a letter to her GP raising my concerns, he called her in and did another memory test - apparently the score was 'better' than last time and he was going to "sign her off". He never told her about my letter (I'd asked him not to) and I have heard nothing directly from him, which I understand due to Confidentiality, so the update is from my Mother who thought he was simply calling her in because she'd been ill recently. It appears though that she still did 'fine' in the 10 question memory test (AMT?).

However, I did not see her for 2 weeks from Christmas Day, I knew she was 'ok' as I drove past and could see lights on, curtains closed etc. I eventually texted her as she hadn't even turned up to collect my daughter from after school club which she usually does. I explained in the text that I was hurt and upset at all the things she accused me of and we agreed I would go round. I got there and she had changed all the locks so that I couldn't get in with the keys I had for her house and - when I asked - said it was because "someone" was coming in and moving stuff around and stealing stuff when she was out. I asked what stuff, she replied "Just things, I can't remember exactly - my mouth organ for example". I asked if she was trying to imply she thought it was me (only the neighbour and myself had keys) and she evaded answering but clearly did!!! I have had keys for her home for years and online access to her bank accounts for years - the thought that I would 'sneak' in and steal a harmonica worth a couple of pounds is ludicrous!

After a while of talking it appeared we'd made some headway - she disclosed she was utterly miserable and lonely, did not want to live in the house anymore and wanted to move to sheltered housing with people round her. We discussed what we could do - starting with arranging a Lasting Power of Attorney - I have an old (unregistered) Enduring Power of Attorney for her, but felt an updated LPA would be better as she could tick the box on it to allow me to deal with her financial affairs whilst she still had capacity. This was one of the difficulties I'd had trying to support her previously - having to always be with her or have her at the end of the phone to carry out transactions. So, I left with an agreed plan of action - we were going to meet with her neighbour to do the LPA, I was going to look at sheltered housing and extra care options, we were going to sort out her bank accounts and so on. She texted me the next day (Friday) to say we were going to meet with the neighbour on Monday.

I texted the neighbour today - he texts back saying Mother cancelled tomorrow's meeting this morning as she "wasn't feeling well". I had heard nothing from her about it! I phoned her land line, no answer, texted her, no answer - phoned on her mobile but withheld my number - she answered! I questioned what was going on, she said yes she'd cancelled as she didn't feel well and there was 'no rush'. I pointed out that she hadn't told me it was cancelled - she replied "I was going to but didn't get round to it.". I asked what was going on as a few days ago she couldn't get out of the house quick enough and I had spent the whole day Friday researching options for her.

She replied that she was "still annoyed" at me for "the things I'd done" to her?!! I asked what things she was on about - she started on again about how nothing had been moved or gone missing since she'd had the locks changed and then basically accused me of having gone in and moved or stolen stuff before and "all the other stuff" I'd done to her (none of which she could specify). She'd previously accused me of "pushing her out" because when I gave birth I chose to have the baby's father with me instead of her and all sorts of completely irrational/unreasonable stuff.

She has clearly got it into her head that I am some sort of devil child - I dread to think what she has been telling her friends!! The thing is, she seems to be able to 'cover it up' to people she doesn't know that well and is also 'normal' for days at a time but then switches back unexpectedly to this?!! She was absolutely horrified a few days ago (when she was 'well') when I was talking to her about some of the things she'd previously accused me of - she said the thought had never occurred to her that I'd steal off her, what an awful thing for any Mother to think of their child and so on.

Apart from the WPC though I don't think anyone believes me?! I don't know what to do - I'm also worried about how vulnerable she is financially as she is also easily persuaded by people and has no idea with her finances. I am concerned about the neighbour's involvement - but what can I do when nobody believes how strangely she is acting.

Sorry it's so long but I'm completely on my own (we have no other family) with all of this - in addition to having a child, a job and a life of my own to organise.

Thanks for reading.

 

[sparklestars]

Hi Sparklestars, like many prior to me you are not alone, however at times you will be thinking this and how horrible this disease is that your mothers suffering from. Even though your daughter is young she will no doubt be sad for you as at times, you will not be able to hide it from her.
I too have similar problems with my mother, she has been controlling my life on and off for many years, I live just below her so cannot escape. I handed back my house keys to her flat 5 years ago as I was getting accused of entering her flat when she was out, stealing items, china beakers, plates, silver spoons, jewellery, money , the list is endless. Then came the accusations of me running a brothel !!! prostitution !!!! even when I'm at work or gone out for the day, or heaven forbid on holiday. She has called the police who did attend, nothing disturbed and they have even called me at 2.30am and 3.30am in the morning , nothing can assure my mother that this isn't happening, its now every day or night, so sun downing this cannot be. She is also hiding thing's in unusual places, but always has a reason why they are there. I've had CCTV fitted but to no avail and there is no way that I'm agreeing to be a person of the night !!!!, its quiet laughable at times. I have taped some conversations as no one would believe it, her hostess mode is excellent.
I do have an ally in her doctor but getting her there is another battle, I've approached her solicitor as well, just in case she goes a step too far, but again need to get her there for Living power of attorney for heath and wealth.
So there we have it, laughable at times, very very sad at others, with me in tears. My son and daughter know what grannie can be like and are making allowances, but its harming all of our relationships with her. As for me I'm taking a day at a time, what will tomorrow bring who knows, I do know that shares in wine have gone up !!! as sometimes need a glass after a hard day at work and then coping with mother. I love her to bits but this has been steadily going on now for 4 years, over the past two though everyday. DLTBGYD hahaha.

Oh dear blue skies - what a sad story for all concerned Omg 4 years That must be so hard to deal with...I've only been aware of the accusations for the last couple of weeks and am already feeling very worn down by it all. I cannot imagine what will happen if it continues on that long!!

My Mother was at least 'well' enough to accept the possibility that maybe it is her that has a 'problem' last night and that 'maybe' I haven't been doing those things....but she said it does feel real to her but she can accept that maybe it isn't. But - that was last night. She was the same a week ago and within a day or two flipped completely the other way and was back to accusing me again.

I know what you mean with the wine - I usually only touch alcohol on holidays but I dread to think how much I've got through over the last couple of weeks compared to normal!!