Dad re lives mum's death daily (been 4 months now)

[ihatetomatoes]

My recently diagnosed 90 year old father sobs about my mum's death almost daily. It's heartbreaking to witness him asking where mum is and re living her passing like it is his first time finding out. Some days he asks about his parents and sobs for the loss of them too. His dementia symptoms have escalated since her death. In between these episodes he can hold regular conversations. It's hard to know how to console him/ help him.

 

[lin1]

Hello. Welcome to TP.
It is heartrending to witness this Terrible grief.

We had to learn lie to my Mum , she kept asking for her long dead Mum, and was grief stricken every time dad told her. So I stopped him from telling her.
We resorted to little white lies, sometimes referred to on here as , love lies.
She will be here soon,
Oh yes she is fine.
She is shopping.

It is not easy to tell love lies but with my Mum it was the right decision as it stopped Mum from being terribly distressed.

Back in a no with a link you may find helpful , though I must admit it is not an easy act to follow and doesn't always work.
http://foru.alzheimers.org.uk/showt...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-ImpaireD

 

[Rathbone]

I am struck by how few responses have been left for you when usually there are floods of them. I guess it is because none of us really knows what to say to comfort you. We surely understand. You have my heartfelt sympathy and all I can give you is to hold him and soothe him with "love lies" if it helps him. There is nothing wrong in that. If it helps his distress, then so be it. And, most importantly of all, take care of you - stay strong and plumb the depths to find acceptance. Somehow, somewhere all things are happening as they should, however hard that is for us to comprehend. I send loving thoughts.X

 

[Grannie G]

I think you are correct Rathbone . How on earth do you comfort an old man who has lost a lifelong partner. It really is heartbreaking.

 

[FifiMo]

I agree with Lin. If someone forgets what has happened then it is unkind to remind them time after time. I know some people argue that people should be told the truth but if that truth causes untold distress time and time again then why would you persist? At the end of the day, this is about finding some approach that helps your dad and with dementia the best thing you can do is find solutions that are the least stressful and makes the person as content and happy as they can be. It is clear that you care a lot for your dad, so, perhaps the time has come to practice the little white lies that the rest of us have had to use.

As to your dad's dementia being worse since your mum died. This is very often the case. It does not however necessarily mean there has been a deterioration it could be that you are now seeing the extent of the shielding that your mum did when she was acting as his carer. They will have had their routines and she will have become adept at helping her husband out in the many areas where he was struggling due to the challenges of the disease. Once you take the partner out of the equation, the person has lost their prop, their support system, so the extent of the dementia becomes all the more visible. It is also a testament to the caring that there was between them and why he constantly asks where she has gone.

So sad but so good that he has you to look out for him and to take over that support that he relies on.

Fiona