Dad is refusing to even consider help from carers

[JessN12]

I had started a needs assessment for my mum who suffers with Alzheimer's last year. I explained to both her and my dad it was just so they could check what type of care, if any was needed, and that they didn't need to take up the offer. We could discuss it together.

After not hearing anything for a while I have just checked with social services and found that when they rang dad to talk about things he has said he's coping fine, and carers wouldn't be accept by my mum (which I honestly don't think is true.) The case was then closed before Christmas. I had asked him before Christmas and after Christmas if social services had called and he just kept denying it. This is typical form for my dad throughout his life, always knows best.

I'm angry, frustrated, upset, stressed. They so obviously cannot cope properly. Just do not know what to do anymore for the better, if he's going to keep refusing help.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @JessN12 This sounds frustrating as your dad would benefit from the help of carers. It would have been better if social services had rang to tell him that they would be calling at the house to carry out an assessment but maybe he wouldn't have allowed that. A phone call isn't a good way of finding out the real situation.

I haven't been in this situation but I have seen it suggested that the way forward would be to wait for some sort of crisis that either alerts social services and/or makes your dad realise that he can't cope alone. That may be uncomfortable and difficult to do as no-one wants to stand by and just let things happen.

 

[PammieA]

Hi Jess, I can definitely relate to some of what you are experiencing. It is very stressful and upsetting, but extremely frustrating.
My mum (84) has not been diagnosed, after only two GP visits, my Stepdad (86) felt positive as Mum passed the basic memory tests on both appointments. However, she does not recognise him as her husband, he is a stranger in her home!
Yesterday morning, she called her neighbours, 2 of which are Police Officers telling them, they needed to remove 'this man' from her home, as she was frightened of him, and she was reported to have been extremely aggitated.
Lots of suggestions of support, were made to them both, Mum said 'yes' to most including the need for further tests, possibly a Social Service Assessment. But my Stepdad was completely against all advice given.

I totally agree with Northumbrian k
A crisis needs to happen, then other agencies will get involved, such as Police (vulnerable Adults Team) and Social Service.
Although this feels unsafe & very scary!

I have attempted conversations and offered support & advice, but Dad won't listen, just keeps saying, "I will look after your mum, no one else"

I hope you can negotiate with your Dad, just keep trying, as I will.

 

[JessN12]

Thank you both @PammieA and @northumbrian_k for your supportive words. I'm feeling much better now I was clamed down. I am going to visit at the weekend so will try and do some more work on getting them to understand help is not something to be scared of.