Social services refusing to put step dad into care

[Imogenlily]

Hi again

I'm back here with my never ending saga in this dementia journey.

So basically what it says on title. Despite numerous health care professionals all stating my stepdad is not safe at home, despite me and my family endlessly telling (social worker) about all the (daily) issues we are having, his social worker is a grade A...jerk.
He's passive-aggressive and doesn't listen. He claims he needs 'evidence' for stepdad to go into care but is v vague about what it is. He insisted on installing motion detectors for 'evidence' (not with cameras) but now seems unhappy that (as I pointed out mutilple times) can't distinguish between me, my stepdad, carers and his daughter's movements in the house. He goes on about evidence and procedure have to be followed. My step sister deals with him not me (she's just given me his email) so I've been stuck just hearing what's happening.

The truth is the social worker doesn't want to move my stepdad into care because a) stepdad can't afford it and b) the house has a sort-of annex where he is - it contains bed/lounge, kitchen and bathroom all on ground floor. For social worker it's perfect - he's said as much and since I'm always here, I can cover what carers can't (he'd never admit this but that's what he means) and has been dismissive saying I can just 'call an ambulance' which to my annoyance the memory clinic echoed. Do they have *any* idea of the reality of living with someone with dementia entails?

After another fall and needing to call the emergency catheter nurses within 24 hours, three weeks ago, social worker finally, very reluctantly agreed to put my stepdad into respite care for 2 weeks. This has been extended by another two weeks with one week remaining after this one. But - you guessed it - he has to come home for definite. The care home have said he isn't safe to due to falls risk , but he's actually had minimal problems there because they are always on hand to sort out catheter issues which has made stepdad less confused etc (constantly getting blocked and getting UTIs because he keeps trying to pull off)

Despite all this and to my frustration my step-sister has been reluctant to take the stupid social worker truly to task or request a replacement. Forget that I'm forced to live here and deal with the situation.

Now she's finally asked me to email him and explain in detail how stressful it is for me. I haven't said it but explained to step sister that stepdad needs to go into permanent care now and that I'm planning to sell house after probate (all true). But my step sister doesn't think we can ask/demand that yet. She's constantly worried about annoying the social worker and I think she's afraid if she goes too far he'll stop doing even the bare minimum he's doing now. She sends him emails sort of complaining but that's her limit.

These last three weeks I've been able to actually get to sleep. To not stress about him has been amazing.

I'm really looking for some advice - what if social worker ignores me? Also now step sister is back-tracking on demanding stepdad goes into care. Not sure where that leaves me. I think the social worker needs a rocket up his backside or to be removed but step siblings won't do that and they are step-dad's POA so I have no power here.

I know I could technically 'throw stepdad out' (house still in probate due to caveat but will become mine. Stepdad was given 6 months right of residency after mum died) but when I mentioned this several months ago, step sister didn't want to.
When a neighbor v angrily pointed out some harsh home truths about my situation with stepdad it was *very* poorly received. Things are still tense.

Is there anything I can do as I'm not POA? I don't think anyone really understands the situation I'm in. I just can't relax with stepdad at all. I'm waiting for next fall, next catheter issue etc between carers and esp night. I'm just so tired of it all.

I know people have prev said to be blunt with social services, I'm worried it won't work. People have a tendency to dismiss what I say. As my mum said once, I'm as scary as a hamster!

Anyone who's been in this situation - what did it take for social services to listen/agree to care. It's so weird with my mum they were adamant she had to go into a care home, with stepdad no way in hell.... is there anything I can do?

Sorry for my moaning, incoherent-ish rambling and any typos.

 

[Kevinl]

Horrible though the expression is "patient poker" as a former social services worker/friend of mine once told me is what it's called, you care they have a budget to work within.
As I say it's horrible but it is what it is...shouldn't be that way but it is.
What would happen if you wanted to move house for example, not saying you do, but what would happen then? They have a legal Duty of Care, you don't.
K

 

[Rayreadynow]

Its not clear who owns the House?

 

[canary]

Im afraid that Social Services are only looking at how your dad is. They do not consider the carer to be part of their remit, so they are only asking - is he safe? is he warm and fed? are his needs being met? All the while you are there, plugging the gaps left by the carers and meeting his needs SS will just let you get on with it. They will not be looking at the toll it is taking on you.

 

[maisiecat]

Absolutely agree with @canary they have zero interest in your needs you are just cannon fodder. You say you are always around but what if you weren't? I assume he wouldn't be able to manage.
Also could the carers back you up that he needs more care than visits. Sounds like the catheter alone is a task.
Not sure about the rules but I think with a catheter he will need a Nursing home rather than a Care home.
Have you thought of going away for a couple of weeks it wouldn't take long for the carers to raise concerns.
Otherwise fight it out with the Social worker, you are a stepdaughter not a wife so there is no absolute obligation.
Good luck

 

[Imogenlily]

Its not clear who owns the House?

Hi, the house only belonged to my mum - she paid off morgage before she met my step dad. The house is currently in probate, but has been left essentially to me but may be put in a trust. My stepdad doesn't own the house in any way, and my mum's will states he only has right of residence for six months after her death (she died last May).

 

[Imogenlily]

Im afraid that Social Services are only looking at how your dad is. They do not consider the carer to be part of their remit, so they are only asking - is he safe? is he warm and fed? are his needs being met? All the while you are there, plugging the gaps left by the carers and meeting his needs SS will just let you get on with it. They will not be looking at the toll it is taking on you.

Thanks for reply. I had a sinking feeling that was the case. With my mum is was so different. She was sectioned and social services were adament mum *had* to go into care.
His carers cover the basics for food etc. I just feel trapped, the more I'm here, the more social services can shrug. I may have the option of potentially moving out but it will be tough financially and I feel resentful about having to essentially move out of my house to try to get my step-dad into care. It's just so messed up that if I help it ticks a stupid box that he's 'ok'.

 

[Imogenlily]

Absolutely agree with @canary they have zero interest in your needs you are just cannon fodder. You say you are always around but what if you weren't? I assume he wouldn't be able to manage.
Also could the carers back you up that he needs more care than visits. Sounds like the catheter alone is a task.
Not sure about the rules but I think with a catheter he will need a Nursing home rather than a Care home.
Have you thought of going away for a couple of weeks it wouldn't take long for the carers to raise concerns.
Otherwise fight it out with the Social worker, you are a stepdaughter not a wife so there is no absolute obligation.
Good luck

Thanks for reply. It kind of hurts but I agree. I hate it. He has daily carers but that leaves 21 hours a day where he's not OK. I'm not sure if care home he's having respite at can help as they've said he's not safe due to his mobility and falls risk. The catheter is a massive issue - he tries to pull it off/messes with bag pretty much every day.
I've been looking into moving out in a tiny studio room in desperation. It'd be very tight financially though and I resent that I'd be forced to move out my house and have my life up-rooted because of it. I'd bet even if I moved the social worker would still insist stepdad was fine for months and months. I'd also still have to pay all the utility bills for this house too. It's such a mess.

 

[Imogenlily]

Horrible though the expression is "patient poker" as a former social services worker/friend of mine once told me is what it's called, you care they have a budget to work within.
As I say it's horrible but it is what it is...shouldn't be that way but it is.
What would happen if you wanted to move house for example, not saying you do, but what would happen then? They have a legal Duty of Care, you don't.
K

Thanks for reply. I agree. I do want to sell the house - but right now it's tied up in probate and has caveats on it so it's paused as one of my estranged siblings is sulking about the will and the executor/lawyer won't do much about it.
I'm hoping me mentioning I'm planning on selling the house might get some action, but right now I'm stuck and feel so powerless and social services will just use that to their advantage.

 

[Violet Jane]

I know that there are complexities with the probate but does this prevent you from serving notice on your stepfather? Have you told SS that he doesn't own the house or have any rights in it?

 

[Kevinl]

Just a question, if she was section 2 or 3 then shouldn't she get section 117 funding (UK England)K

 

[sdmhred]

It’s so not right that you’re having to think about moving out of your own home 😢😢
And as you say being assertive is very difficult for you …you had a friend a while ago who was helping you …..I do wonder if it might be beneficial if you can find someone to advocate for you……a friend to stand up for you and help you with correspondence with the SW….a carers organisation? Have you spoken with the admiral nurses or one of the helplines…….to see if someone can assist and be scary for you…..

 

[Jessie5]

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. We had not dissimilar issues with my Dad. He had VERY high care needs and social services wanted him to live at home with my Mum who was being diagnosed with dementia. He was in hospital at the time so I said mum was moving in with me and there would be no one to care for him at home if they sent him back and I would be holding them responsible if he came to harm living on his own. Miraculously CHC funding was applied for and granted as care needs so high yet they would have been happy for my sick mum to care for him 22 hours a day

If it were me I think I would email them and say that because you find the situation so intolerable you will no longer be in the house from x date. From that date there will be no other support between care visits and if he comes to harm you will be holding social services responsible as they, not you have a duty of care to him. I would list all the issues you end up helping with between care visits to make clear that there will be no longer anyone to do these.

You don’t necessarily need to actual move out that’s none of their business. But if you could afford it maybe go and stay in a travel lodge or somewhere cheap for a week or so and see what happens?

Other option is to seek legal advice on having him formally evicted. Given probate not granted this might have to be from the executor rather than you? But perhaps worth exploring with a solicitor. If he is made homeless then the council are responsible for him in that front as well.

I hope you get it sorted. It seems a really hard situation.

 

[maisiecat]

Thanks for reply. It kind of hurts but I agree. I hate it. He has daily carers but that leaves 21 hours a day where he's not OK. I'm not sure if care home he's having respite at can help as they've said he's not safe due to his mobility and falls risk. The catheter is a massive issue - he tries to pull it off/messes with bag pretty much every day.
I've been looking into moving out in a tiny studio room in desperation. It'd be very tight financially though and I resent that I'd be forced to move out my house and have my life up-rooted because of it. I'd bet even if I moved the social worker would still insist stepdad was fine for months and months. I'd also still have to pay all the utility bills for this house too. It's such a mess.

That is your starting point,the Home saying he is unsafe due to mobility and falls risk. Sending him home becomes a safety issue and they have a duty of care. I am sure there are some good social workers but the ones I have come across seem to be representing the LA rather than the client.
My husband's home is £1800 we never had an income at that level and really that is the issue. Care home fees are not realistic for ordinary people.
Cynically I feel they have less interest in placing your stepfather because they will be picking up the bill.

 

[Imogenlily]

Just a question, if she was section 2 or 3 then shouldn't she get section 117 funding (UK England)K

Hi, my mum was under section 2 then section 3 when she was sectioned. I''m not sure you'd call it lucky, but because she was sectioned under section 3 she did get section 117 funding and her care was fully paid for. I think this was basically because she was considered a danger to my stepdad and to me. She had delussions and had become more and more aggressive and ended up trying to attack my stepdad. In mum's case social services told me point blank mum couldn't come home and she deterioated so badly while under section 2 and 3 that she then clearly needed 24/7 care.
My stepdad isn't as bad - yet - as my mum got, and because he has no money, they aren't willing to fund him. Hope that makes sense

 

[Imogenlily]

That is your starting point,the Home saying he is unsafe due to mobility and falls risk. Sending him home becomes a safety issue and they have a duty of care. I am sure there are some good social workers but the ones I have come across seem to be representing the LA rather than the client.
My husband's home is £1800 we never had an income at that level and really that is the issue. Care home fees are not realistic for ordinary people.
Cynically I feel they have less interest in placing your stepfather because they will be picking up the bill.

Thanks for reply, I'll start with the home. I may have something I can lean on. Right now I've got a water leak under the floor that I'm trying to have located and if they have to dig up concreate under carpet no way can my stepdad come home - I think I'll mention that in my letter.
I completely agree about unrealistic fees. A lot of people have just can't you just pay for him to go into care, then I tell them the price and they're shocked. You're right about the bill - I'm convinced this is the only reason they are refusing to put my stepdad into care. They partially pay for his carers but my stepdad also pays but it's a horrible system.

 

[Imogenlily]

I know that there are complexities with the probate but does this prevent you from serving notice on your stepfather? Have you told SS that he doesn't own the house or have any rights in it?

HI thanks for reply. There whole situation is messy. My stepsister knows my stepdad doesn't own house or have any rights, but is a source of a lot of tension. It's unspoken but I think it annoys step siblings as they view that after almost 30 years he should have rights to the house and live there. I did mention previously that we could pull the 'throw stepdad out' card to get social services to more but stepsister didn't like that. Now she's seeing and dealing with the realities of dementia, maybe she might change her mind, I will ask her and float the idea.

 

[Imogenlily]

It’s so not right that you’re having to think about moving out of your own home 😢😢
And as you say being assertive is very difficult for you …you had a friend a while ago who was helping you …..I do wonder if it might be beneficial if you can find someone to advocate for you……a friend to stand up for you and help you with correspondence with the SW….a carers organisation? Have you spoken with the admiral nurses or one of the helplines…….to see if someone can assist and be scary for you…..

Hi thanks for reply. I'm having to learn to be assertive but it's hard. Also my stepsister is in communication with social worker not me I've only just got his email so I haven't really been able to talk to him.
The family friend who was helping...she kind of exploded at my step-siblings a while ago over my situation. It became a screaming match when she told them some harsh home truths. The tension still hasn't gone away and my step siblings refuse to see/speak to her. Problem is I need step sister's help with step dad so I can't really fall out with them. I've previously contacted admiral nurses about my mum, so I'll try to contact them for some advice as well. Hopefully my step siblings will actually listen to some of the advice people give!

 

[Imogenlily]

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. We had not dissimilar issues with my Dad. He had VERY high care needs and social services wanted him to live at home with my Mum who was being diagnosed with dementia. He was in hospital at the time so I said mum was moving in with me and there would be no one to care for him at home if they sent him back and I would be holding them responsible if he came to harm living on his own. Miraculously CHC funding was applied for and granted as care needs so high yet they would have been happy for my sick mum to care for him 22 hours a day

If it were me I think I would email them and say that because you find the situation so intolerable you will no longer be in the house from x date. From that date there will be no other support between care visits and if he comes to harm you will be holding social services responsible as they, not you have a duty of care to him. I would list all the issues you end up helping with between care visits to make clear that there will be no longer anyone to do these.

You don’t necessarily need to actual move out that’s none of their business. But if you could afford it maybe go and stay in a travel lodge or somewhere cheap for a week or so and see what happens?

Other option is to seek legal advice on having him formally evicted. Given probate not granted this might have to be from the executor rather than you? But perhaps worth exploring with a solicitor. If he is made homeless then the council are responsible for him in that front as well.

I hope you get it sorted. It seems a really hard situation.

Hi thanks for reply. I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well. It's awful that social services put people in such cruel situations. A lot of people have told me SS will basically use use/rely on me for as long as they can.
I will speak to my step sister about this - it's just frustrating because she hates the social worker but she's so reluctant to really do much, but unless someone actually does something or threatens to - social services will just continue. I haven't sent him the email yet but I'll add in what you suggested.
My brother is worried about me, and we've talked about me moving out into somewhere rented and if that's feasible. I could try a motel or somewhere, but I'm just worried if it'd take maybe 2-3 weeks for something to happen and if I could afford that. It's interesting he's mostly be OK at the respite home, even his confusion is better, all because they can sort out catheter issues then and there. At least the home is willing to work with us - they think the social worker is rude and don't like him. I really think my step siblings should file a complaint but they won't (I know it wouldn't do anything but...) it's amazing isn't it how they can suddenly find funding when they need to.
I think I definitely need to play the duty of care card and that they are responsible for any harm, as they are. Thanks for advice.

 

[maggie6445]

Hi thanks for reply. I'm so sorry you had to go through that as well. It's awful that social services put people in such cruel situations. A lot of people have told me SS will basically use use/rely on me for as long as they can.
I will speak to my step sister about this - it's just frustrating because she hates the social worker but she's so reluctant to really do much, but unless someone actually does something or threatens to - social services will just continue. I haven't sent him the email yet but I'll add in what you suggested.
My brother is worried about me, and we've talked about me moving out into somewhere rented and if that's feasible. I could try a motel or somewhere, but I'm just worried if it'd take maybe 2-3 weeks for something to happen and if I could afford that. It's interesting he's mostly be OK at the respite home, even his confusion is better, all because they can sort out catheter issues then and there. At least the home is willing to work with us - they think the social worker is rude and don't like him. I really think my step siblings should file a complaint but they won't (I know it wouldn't do anything but...) it's amazing isn't it how they can suddenly find funding when they need to.
I think I definitely need to play the duty of care card and that they are responsible for any harm, as they are. Thanks for advice.

I would also tell s s that should damage happen to your property whilst you are away and insurer won't pay then you will seek financial redress from them. It is unsafe for himself and your home.