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Bless you Elle! My mum too is obsessing about the bank and I’ve arranged to take her back there tomorrow. She’s had her card cancelled for the umpteenth time this month. Declining me having POA too. Joys!Apologies for the lengthy post, but I don't know what to do.
After just 9 nine days in a Care Home, the home have called to say they have reached crisis point and they cannot cope with my dad and he needs to leave.
My dad has Advanced Dementia and was living alone in his own home, the Social worker and myself agreed that he was no longer safe to live at home, due to an escalating number of issues; mainly going out at all times of day or night in any weather, waiting for the bank to open, burning his leg on an electric fire, fusing lights by screwing in the wrong bulbs into light fittings. Burning his kettle and releasing toxic fumes in his home, not going to bed, not being able to prepare simple meals (teabags on 2 slices of bread was a sandwich and drinks: cold water with milk in it). Constantly hiding things and believing there are people in his home, not able to recognise his own reflection and thinking the man is spying on him from next door and getting abusive and violent because of it. I could go on.
So I found a care home that dealt specifically with dementia sufferers, it was in the town where he lives and it was only small with 31 residents. A place became available and I took him and he moved in there on Friday 13th April.
On the first Saturday evening he was reported to safeguarding due to an incident with another male resident he got verbally abusive and attempted to get hold of his arm. So he was reported.
Then things settled down apart from him wandering around the home, trying doors and windows trying to get out.
I visited him on Wednesday 18th April, he had no recollection that it was me that took him there, because he kept asking how did I know he was there. He said he liked it and he had made friends, not once did he ask to go home, the only thing he asked to do was to go and get some money.
Saturday 21st April, I visited him again with my husband, again he asked how did I know he was there, did his dad tell me. When I asked him if he was liking living there, he said he had lived here for years and it was good. Later he asked me how my dad was.
Saturday evening around 10.20pm I get a phone call from the home, dad has escaped by climbing out of a window. Now I have had conflicting information that the window lock was faulty, but I've also been told he broke it. They found him about 11.10pm quite a distance from the home, not heading home or to the bank. But their biggest worry is that the home backs onto a canal walk, which is very dark and they were worried he might have headed that way and could potentially have fallen into the canal and drowned. Luckily he hadn't but the risk is there.
I spoke to the home the next morning and he settled fine once he was back in the home.
Sunday 22nd April I get a phone call at 8.15pm dad has his coat on and is trying to get out of the home again and they currently are having to give him one to one attention, can I come down and settle him and be with him, so they can get other residents to bed. So off I go, when I arrive dad greets me saying "oh good she can take me now". I find out he wants to get some money from the bank. (This is his obsession). It took me about 30 mins to convince him there was no money, the bank was shut, it was dark and it was bed time and to take his coat off. He accepts that the home is now where he Iives and he likes it, but still feels the need to get out. I finally left him around 10.15pm happy to get ready for bed.
This morning, I got a call from the manager of the home, she said due to the issues over the weekend they feel they cannot give dad the one to one support that he needs and they have reached crisis point and want him removed. She said she had spoken to the Social worker and I have to call her.
I have spoken to the Social worker and she is at a loss for what to do. I have said dad cannot return to his home, that is not an option. She has gone away to seek advice and hopefully a solution.
This is a nightmare.
Thank you Lucielu. This money obsession seems to be quite common and after reading the book I mentioned above I've been thinking a bit more about why my dad is obsessed with it, why he was storing/saving it, why he was hiding it and why he started wanted to carry it around. I've tried to think about his personal situation/background and kind of where his mind is at the moment, probably aged about 25 and I think I've begun to understand his deep rooted needs, which now make a lot of sense. What to do about it though is a different matter.Bless you Elle! My mum too is obsessing about the bank and I’ve arranged to take her back there tomorrow. She’s had her card cancelled for the umpteenth time this month. Declining me having POA too. Joys!
If your father’s care needs cannot be met by a specialist dementia residential home then I would suggest his SW would seek the NHS to review medication urgently before looking at alternative care provision. Of course, one to one care at home is an option if residential care is not appropriate to your dads needs.
I really feel for you.
Thanks Jafm, I've spoken to the SW this afternoon and she said she went to see dad and he seemed to be fine, he looked clean and healthy and was showing interest in what was happening. She couldn't get any sense out of him though, but she said at least he wasn't asleep. She said she is very disappointed in the home, apparently she's been asking for his care records and the hourly log which we are paying for with the 121 carer, but it seems as though it's not being done. So she's told me not to even think about paying for it yetDo try memantine and / or risperidone. My partner aggressive but is now far calmer and NOT doped to the eyeballs. He is in a second home which is lovely but first we tried one who said they specialised in Alzheimer’s patients, but who refused even to take him when we arrived as he was loud in reception saying he wouldn’t stay! And they had been to assess him too....
WOW a fellow escapologist, three times that is very impressive.Dear Elle
Had a very similar experience to you a few years ago. Put my mum in what i thought was the nicest care home near to us. She in total lasted 3 weeks in that care home. In those long 3 weeks she escaped three times walking out through the main door! walking out through a gate left open by a gardener and finally escaping over a 6ft fence by stacking chairs and tables next to the fence to be found 3 miles away in her pyjamas and slippers! She broke windows threw furniture, hit residents and was the most unruly person during that time because she was so confused and unsettled. After 3 days they were trying to get us to take her out of there. We obviously fought that and tried to get them to keep her. They worked closely with the mental health crisis team and kept changing her drugs all the time. What we found when we visited was the only way they could deal with her was to drug her a lot so she was then wandering round dazed and confused and walked into a wall and cut her head open! She also fell twice during those 3 weeks. Eventually against our wishes she was sectioned (they told us afterwards so that we couldn't object!) and they moved her to a secure hospital unit. As much as i wanted to keep her there in hindsight it wasn't the right place for her and if there only way of dealing with her was to over medicate you don't want that either. After 2 months in a secure unit they levelled out her medication and she was allowed back to a care home but i was told it had to be an EMI care home. She ended up in a small unit with 4-1 care which suited her fine it cost a lot more but it kept her safe and she was much happier.
That was me. It's really very good, isn't it?Hi everyone, just a little update. I'm still not well and I haven't left the house since last Wednesday, so I am no further forward finding a suitable CH for dad which is very frustrating and I definitely feel like I'm letting my dad down now.
Whilst I've been ill, I have started to read the book I was recommended by one of the members on the forum (I can't remember who now, sorry) 'And still the music plays' by Graham Stokes. I've only read about five of the stories so far, but already it's given me a better understanding of Dementia and what the care system should be doing to support these poor individuals. I am certainly going to be asking far more questions about individual care needs and I will be trying to give the care home more insight into my dads personality, previous to him getting Dementia, as this can be quite significant when it comes to how they can care and help him. x
Hi Ellie, In the end i think it is peace of mind over them being safe and cared for and for them being as content as they can be and the cost of achieving that is sadly ridiculously expensive. We spent over £135000 in care home fees in 3 yrs! No we couldn't afford it and we borrowed money off relatives and blagged our way through the CH paying what we could when we could until we ended up selling my mum's flat. If your Dad is in an EMI home SS won't allow him to be removed if it is right for him so even if you run out of funds they will help you sort. Ask for a CC assessment now it takes ages and they will probably try and turn you down but you have to be prepared to fight we got a lot of it back in the end and backdated but only after using a good solicitor and 3 yrs after she died! My Aunt has the same type of dementia as my mum had and so we have now gone through the same horrible experience twice but experience and knowledge is a wonderful thing and the whole process was so much easier second time round, we knew what to say, when to fight and hold our ground and also put her in the right type of CH from the start. Amazingly she was in a different NHS HA and they granted her CC at the first attempt but be warned she is fully funded so they pay a maximum of £640ish a week and my Aunts CH an EMI home 4-1 care in Suffolk now costs nearly £6000 a month so we are still short and having to fund nearly £3000 a month!WOW a fellow escapologist, three times that is very impressive.
It is sad that medicating seems to always be the answer, when maybe if they looked at the reasons and causes for someone trying to escape and getting agitated and aggressive then maybe they could find an alternative solution. But it seems unfortunately many care homes just don't have the time or staff to do that.
I'm glad that you finally found somewhere suitable for your mum. It's looking like my dads care costs might be escalating too, I finally managed to view a local home to me today, which was on the SW's recommended list for EMI Dementia care. It was lovely, brand new and just like a hotel and they only have 5 residents at present and they are only introducing new people very gradually so each one can settle in and they can get to know their individual needs. Sounds perfect doesn't it, but unfortunately this does come at a cost, more than double what we are paying now. I've asked for them to do an assessment anyway and I've spoken to the SW about the home and the financial cost and she is going to go away and see if the LA would be prepared to take over the costs once dads funds run out. Another alternative recommended to me was to get a NHS continuing care assessment done and see if we could get funded that way. But I am aware that isn't easy to get.
Thank you Beate, the book is excellent and helping me a great deal, I've already recommended it to the Social Worker and the current Care Home Manager. If only everyone took the time to look at every individual as a whole person, not just how they are behaving at the time.That was me. It's really very good, isn't it?
I'm so sorry to read you're still having to deal with so much stress. I hope you'll soon be out of the woods. I know you probably don't think so but you're doing tremendously well being so proactive and not afraid to ask for help. Your Dad would be proud of you.
All the best.
Yes you are right Nessie21, money doesn't really matter, as long as they get the care they need and I'm sorry to say experience really does help, although how sad for you that you've had to deal with it twice.Hi Ellie, In the end i think it is peace of mind over them being safe and cared for and for them being as content as they can be and the cost of achieving that is sadly ridiculously expensive. We spent over £135000 in care home fees in 3 yrs! No we couldn't afford it and we borrowed money off relatives and blagged our way through the CH paying what we could when we could until we ended up selling my mum's flat. If your Dad is in an EMI home SS won't allow him to be removed if it is right for him so even if you run out of funds they will help you sort. Ask for a CC assessment now it takes ages and they will probably try and turn you down but you have to be prepared to fight we got a lot of it back in the end and backdated but only after using a good solicitor and 3 yrs after she died! My Aunt has the same type of dementia as my mum had and so we have now gone through the same horrible experience twice but experience and knowledge is a wonderful thing and the whole process was so much easier second time round, we knew what to say, when to fight and hold our ground and also put her in the right type of CH from the start. Amazingly she was in a different NHS HA and they granted her CC at the first attempt but be warned she is fully funded so they pay a maximum of £640ish a week and my Aunts CH an EMI home 4-1 care in Suffolk now costs nearly £6000 a month so we are still short and having to fund nearly £3000 a month!