Crisis Point after 9 days in a care home

[love.dad.but..]

You are definitely right about the dream bit, I sometimes watch dad whilst he is asleep and he mutters quite a lot and moves about sometimes, then when he wakes he has such a blank expression on his face as though he still isn't quite there. He barely notices or reacts now to me when he sees me, it's as though I'm there all the time.

I think dad will mostly eat what he is given, but the staff have found that he does struggle with some foods, like trying to eat soup with a knife and fork, so they tend to break up the sandwiches and put them in the soup so he can still use the knife and fork. However some times he just refuses to feed himself, but I wonder if he just doesn't recognise what the food is anymore and doesn't know how to eat it.

Regarding the drinks and dads preferences I gave them all that when he entered the unit, but then there was only five other residents so it was easy for the staff to remember what he liked. Now there are about 16 residents and more new staff I think they need to be re-minded sometimes.

Yes that happened to dad as well losing recognition of the what why and how with food. He needed help sometimes to be prompted or fed eventually needing to be fed every time...coincided for him with also losing the what why and how of toileting...seemed as though loss of function and understanding in several areas were catching up altogether. Dad decided the only use for cutlery was to squirrel into his pockets as rhey may have come in use for some other purpose later

 

[Elle3]

Yes that happened to dad as well losing recognition of the what why and how with food. He needed help sometimes to be prompted or fed eventually needing to be fed every time...coincided for him with also losing the what why and how of toileting...seemed as though loss of function and understanding in several areas were catching up altogether. Dad decided the only use for cutlery was to squirrel into his pockets as rhey may have come in use for some other purpose later

That's what my dad has been doing, squirreling away the cutlery, he's even tried hiding bowls under his jumper, why? We have no idea. It's funny how in some ways your dad and my dad seem to follow similar paths, like with eating and toileting, my dad no longer recognises the need to go to the toilet.

 

[love.dad.but..]

That's what my dad has been doing, squirreling away the cutlery, he's even tried hiding bowls under his jumper, why? We have no idea. It's funny how in some ways your dad and my dad seem to follow similar paths, like with eating and toileting, my dad no longer recognises the need to go to the toilet.

My dad unfortunately also had a lengthy phase of knowing he needed to pee but didn't recognise where that should be so pee'd in very inappropriate places. I didn't want dad to decline although kbew it was inevitable but did wish that he would push through that stage into full incontinence and with no awareness as it was risking the dementia NH keeping him. However there were moments that even the staff ...and I...found funny. A local supermarket would drop off their unsold Valentines roses in buckets and dad was discovered 'watering' the 6 buckets of flowers you simply have to laugh otherwise I would have cried

 

[Elle3]

Time for a quick update. No major dramas with dad in the care home, they are still coping with him very well. He is still aggressive when it comes to personal care and tends to keep away from the other residents as much as he can, otherwise he get's a bit upset by them.

There are two new ladies in the unit who none of the residents like, one in particular really unsettles the residents as she constantly wanders around meddling, moaning, crying and blaming others for things going missing etc. Last week I had to get dad out of the lounge as he was getting upset about the noise, so we went and found a quiet area to sit in. Within 5 minutes we were joined by four other residents all trying to get away from her, they all wanted to know if I would take them home with me, lol!

I was told today that dad needs new trousers, all his trousers apart from the elasticated waist ones are now too tight. He has put on so much weight in the care home. I was told though that a lot of the time now they have to feed dad, as he seems to have forgotten how to feed himself. He was also acting inappropriately towards me again today, he hasn't done this for a while now but I still find it very uncomfortable.

If you remember we had the CHC Assessment back in June and dad was awarded funding. Well the paperwork has finally arrived at the care home (only at the beginning of this week), which means hopefully we will be getting a refund on the care home fees we have been paying dated back to the assessment date. So a word of warning to anyone else going through the CHC process, don't assume paying for the care home fees will stop immediately once a decision has been made, it still can take a while for the paperwork to come through. The admin lady at the care home told me ours was pretty quick as she had only just received the paperwork for another resident who was assessed in February.

Dad's house sale is still going ahead, although there was a bit of a blip yesterday when the buyers wanted to revise their offer to a much lesser amount, based on a survey report they had received. As I'd already priced the property below market value to account for the modernisation required and accepted an even lower offer, I declined their offer and suggested I was happy to put it back on the market. They replied back to the Estate Agent to say they wanted to continue with the purchase at the agreed price. So drama quickly over.

Dad's house is also empty now, we have managed to clear all the furniture out and empty the shed and tidy the garden etc. So as far as we are concerned we are ready to hand over the keys and we are just waiting now on all the legal stuff to be completed and money paid.

That's it for now, I'm sorry if you are reading this post for the first time expecting to see something in reference to the title of this post, that was all dealt with back in April/May. Rather than start a brand new post, I decided to carry on with this post, writing an update occasionally on how dad is doing.

Thanks and take care.
Elle x

 

[Elle3]

I had some good news today. Dad had his 3 months CHC funding review and they agreed that he is still eligible for funding, so they will continue to pay dad's care costs.

This is such a relief, ever since he was awarded the funding back in June, I have been worrying about the 3 month review. I was dreading them coming back and saying that the first decision was a mistake and dad was no longer eligible. Thank goodness they didn't, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can rest now for a while, as the next review will be in 12 months time.

The other bit of good news is that dad's house sale should finally complete this Friday, 9th November. The whole process of selling dad's house has been so stressful and upsetting. Getting rid of years of memories and seeing the house empty has been hard and time consuming. Also it hasn't helped when you have nervous first time buyers, who seem to drag their feet at every turn and then think they can gain access whenever they want. After a full structural survey they tried getting me to accept a much lower offer, which I turned down, I'd already accepted a low offer, well below market value, due to the work required on it. I was thankful at the time that I had the Estate Agents backing with this and the buyers came back and said they still wanted to proceed with the purchase at the original agreed price, the Estate Agent thought they were just trying it on.

Then they started demanding things being removed, like the shed and fitted wardrobes, to which I said 'No' to, but they constantly kept requesting through their Solicitors confirmation the house would be empty by completion (at this point there was only two portable heaters, the cooker and two lamps on timers still in the house) as well as the Shed and wardrobes, which they again tried to get me to remove. I can tell you I have been very close to saying the house was off the market.

After this week, I hope I can finally rest and just concentrate on just visiting dad.

I still can't believe dad has been in care now for almost 7 months. That time has flown by. But it has been quite sad and upsetting to see the progression of dad's Dementia. I am afraid that I am losing more of my dad almost weekly now. I've noticed in the last month or so that he no longer seems to recognise me and he can instantly forget I am there, he also sleeps a lot more when I visit. There is also very little communication between us, I can talk to him, but he doesn't understand and he says nothing back now that makes sense, the carers have also noticed that dad has withdrawn a lot more and is unable to follow any instructions. We are also getting to the stage where he seems to have forgotten how to use cutlery and feed himself.

The only time we see dad make any sense now, is when he suddenly becomes abusive and aggressive, he can say words that would curdle milk. That's when he becomes a totally different person. This usually happens when it comes to personal care, but he can also be very unpredictable he can go from sitting quietly in a chair to full on swearing and aggression. My husband got the brunt of it last week, it was a totally unprovoked attack, he just suddenly started shouting and swearing at him, he tried to hit my husband, but as he couldn't reach him, he spat at him instead. The only way he would calm down was for my husband to leave the room. He did similar with one of the residents a few days earlier but this was because the lady had tried to wake him, thank goodness I was there and a carer witnessed it too and moved the lady away.

I also had a bit of a shock one morning when I went to visit dad and I was told he was still sleeping in his room, this was around 11.15am, they said they had just checked on him 10 minutes ago. When I went to look in on him though, I found him lying on the floor, just in his pj top and pull-up incontinence pants. He looked like he was having a fit as he was shaking and just kept repeating the same incoherent word over and over again. The staff came to help immediately and the nurse checked him over and he was fine. They think he must have got up and fell trying to take his pj bottoms off and he must have been in shock. Worryingly the room sensor hadn't gone off to notify them he had got up, they had just replaced the mat sensors as they were deemed to be a trip hazard! Just a few minutes later, dad was totally fine and none the wiser anything had happened. This was the first time dad had fallen.

Elle x

 

[Sirena]

How is the sale going, Elle? The buyers sound a total pain and you are right to refuse their requests. It's so exasperating, particularly when you are dealing with other stresses too.

It's so difficult seeing how our PWDs deteriorate. My mother has been in her CH since February, she had her first fall when she'd only been there two weeks, and then she broke her hip in June, she's still very mobile but quite wobbly and refuses walking aids. She was eating poorly after her operation and then the CH realised she had forgotten how to use cutlery, so they now make her finger food. Fortunately she isn't (yet) aggressive and is relatively easy for them to deal with, but who knows what is round the corner, you can never tell with this disease.
x

 

[Elle3]

How is the sale going, Elle? The buyers sound a total pain and you are right to refuse their requests. It's so exasperating, particularly when you are dealing with other stresses too.

It's so difficult seeing how our PWDs deteriorate. My mother has been in her CH since February, she had her first fall when she'd only been there two weeks, and then she broke her hip in June, she's still very mobile but quite wobbly and refuses walking aids. She was eating poorly after her operation and then the CH realised she had forgotten how to use cutlery, so they now make her finger food. Fortunately she isn't (yet) aggressive and is relatively easy for them to deal with, but who knows what is round the corner, you can never tell with this disease.
x

To be honest, I don’t know how the sale is going, we are supposed to be completing tomorrow, but I’ve just been sent an email from their Solicitor dated 6 Nov (Tues) saying they’ve only just requested the funds from the buyers and their cash to buy isa which haven’t come through yet, but they ‘hope’ to exchange contracts today and complete tomorrow!!!! I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to do, I told the electric people yesterday that we complete on Friday, but I haven’t contacted the water yet or council, think it will all be last minute.

I’ve got a friend whose house sale just fell through less than 2 weeks before they were due to move, because the house they were buying, the sellers changed their mind, below them was a chain of 7 properties. They couldn’t find anywhere to rent at such short notice, so their buyers pulled out. But their buyers had been organising all the change of details for the Utilities etc, now my friend is getting letters addressed to them and final bills for themselves, even demands for breaking contracts for leaving early! She’s having a nightmare. So in some respects I’m having it easy, lol.

Sorry to hear about your mum, it’s so sad to see their decline, my dad is also on finger food mainly now, unless they feed him.

Take care. Elle x

 

[Elle3]

Friday 9 Nov 18 - Just a quick update, to say the house sale went through OK today, I handed over the keys and the funds reached dad's account later this afternoon.

Mixed emotions about it all, sadness, guilt and relief, but at least I can move on now and no longer worry about my dad's house and the responsibility of making sure it was OK, especially with the forthcoming Winter months.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[Amy in the US]

Elle, I hear you on the mixed feelings. I did get relief when I sold my mum's house as it was a lot of worry and work to look after, clear, and sell, and I hope you will get relief also.

 

[70smand]

Hi Elle, I’m pleased for you about the house sale, although I can understand the mixed emotions, and also glad about the CHC funding. I am so sorry that you are witnessing such a decline in your dad, and his mood during personal care hasn’t improved.
My dad has been in his care home for 2 years next February and I can’t believe how much he has deteriorated. Some of that is due to his Alzheimer’s but I do believe the drugs to control his aggression played a large part in speeding it up. Dad is unable to anything for himself and cannot even comprehend how to feed himself, not even finger food. He seemed to forget how to walk back in March and doesn’t appear to see much now either. There is still the occasional spark though, which is precious. We have managed to finally get dad off most of his medication with his consultant from the memory clinics help as he definitely seemed to be sensitive to them. Luckily he is no longer aggressive although he did used to shout during personal care I think that was because he was scared and not in control and the staff are much better at handling him now. It’s awful that it takes his deterioration to make him easier to manage. I hate that I can’t just put him in the car and get him home to mine for lunch anymore. I’m sort of dreading Christmas because I know he won’t know what day it is but my mum visits every single day from 2.30- 8 pm and she will miss out on all the family Christmas afternoon.
Best wishes Elle, Mand x