Can I ... Should I?

tony truro

Registered User
Apr 23, 2018
67
Friday evening, I was sorting meds, only to find Mum had run out of one of the tablets, she has two that are not in the blister pack

Monday had me trying to convince the pharmacy to order the “missing” box. Yes I know you send them together. Yes I’ve searched the house. No Mum does not know where they are (she’s got Alzheimers you silly peeps). I might have convinced them to put the other 2 into the blister pack .... time will tell

So last night, while clearing empty boxes, I found the offending “missing” ones. Don’t ask. She’d taken the 4 strips out of one box & put them into an empty box for the “other” tablets. No wonder I couldn’t find them.

Classic Mum tidying up. Never mind that things are in the wrong box, CD’s in wrong cases, last weeks paper kept with this weeks thrown out etc. Can’t imagine why I didn’t think to open all the boxes.

Now the pharmacy want me to take back the spare tablets.
Don't bother telling the pharmacy you have found the missing pills save them for emergency times tony
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
Morning @rosy18

I too look very like my dad. So far Mum is vicious about me not being in the bathroom with her, so although that is unpleasant o_O, it might save me from future flashing. A silver lining in there somewhere ;)

Does your mum still have a very restless night if she sleeps all day too? I was just wondering if it’s like a baby that gets overtired. The need for an afternoon nap so they sleep better at night, but no nap & they get fidgety. I’m just thinking out loud as ever :rolleyes: I wouId say, as with a baby .... sleep when your mum sleeps. You must be shattered yourself. There is little worse than broken sleep or no sleep. It makes everything seem so much worse. Somehow, you need to try to get some rest yourself & yes, I do know how impossible that feels :(

I find myself daydreaming about getting on a plane, or driving off somewhere, but have to back out of those as the reality means no Mum. She has no life now, not one she wants anyway, she talks of not wanting to be here & what’s the point, but I still have to keep plodding on

I will sit on a beach with you one day, you can snore on a sun bed & I’ll keep the drinks coming to keep you hydrated :rolleyes:

We had sunshine, but a chilly wind yesterday. It’s damp & very windy today, but the sun is expectted for a whole week from tomorrow. :D
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
It was sunny, but with a slight chill in the wind here yesterday @Slugsta I took pooch for a long walk on the seafront, nearly an hour (he has very short legs), he loved it, but was shattered when we got home. I did try sitting in the garden, but couldn’t until late afternoon as it was too chilly to just sit

For once, the weather for Bank Holiday weekend is not the normal rain. Just hope it’s right :D
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
I'm hoping things are quiet on the western front for you today @Sam Luvit , keep having time out from your mum if you can, it's necessary for time for you to enjoy other conversation x
Im painting a room today. Or that’s the plan lol. It gets me out the house & we chat about our mums :rolleyes: Still, it’s better than being moaned at all day ;)
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,762
South coast of England
Afternoon all,

Sam, I hope the painting goes well and gives you a break from the world of dementia.

It was cold and wet when I left home at 9.30 today but warm, dry and sunny by the time I cam home at midday. The flat is cool (as 2 sides are below ground level) which can make it difficult to know what to wear but makes it more pleasant when the weather is very hot.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
Hi @Slugsta

The painting went very well. My apprentice is doing very well lol. She still hates DIY & wouId happily pay someone else if she could. Still, we are getting through it. We have agreed to take the long weekend off, but hope to finish the last wall tomorrow. Fingers crossed

I didn’t go out till after midday & was back before 18.00, I popped back for an hour & S the cleaner was here while I was out. So, Mum was not exactly left alone for hours .... or not in my world. However. According to Mum I was out all day & she’s not happy

Naturally, it’s been a strained evening, with her turning the TV off each time I’m out the room, (during the adverts) & then she huffed & puffed & took herself to bed to read. I let her get in with it.

I’ve just been told I tell her off all the time & I told her I ask her the same things & she does the opposite, so I tell her the same things ... her choice.

She’s upstairs with a hot chocolate & frankly, she can stay sulking. I’m too tired to care.

For reasons I can’t pinpoint, I have a very gurgly tummy. I feel very bloated & tender, but I’ve not had lactose. I have heard there is something going around, so maybe it’s that ... typical ... Bank Holiday upset, but at least the full moon is gone for now.

I told big brother Mum has again been commenting to others that this is her house & not mine. I told him she’s made a few comments about me moving out & visiting her several times a week. I told her(& him) that if she kicks me out, I will not be visiting, I will be trying to get a roof over my head & she will have no one here

Big brother said. She’s living in cloud cookcoo land if she thinks that’s going to happen.

Let’s face it. She is living in another dimension. It’s called dementiaville
 

Lavender45

Registered User
Jun 7, 2015
1,598
Liverpool
Sam I hate to say this, but I've been down the path of "You're never here, out all day, etc"

I know every person with dementia is different and yet there are so many similarities at the same time. My experience was that my mum became ever more clingy and demanding. I got to the point were even my walking the dog to the top of the road and back (not more than 5 minutes) was unacceptable to her. I felt like a prisoner.

At the same time as being clingy mum also wanted me gone, you don't live here, you live with your mam and so on. A few times I said OK then I'll go and she'd inevitably go hysterical about me leaving here. Tired and very stressed I more than once asked what she was getting upset about, she wanted me gone and I was giving her what she'd wanted. Sometimes compassionate communication flies out of the window, or it does with me when I'm tired and cranky and stressed. I guess what I'm saying is be careful not to restrict what you do because your mum wants you with her. I fell into that trap and it does nothing good for your own mental health!
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,762
South coast of England
Morning all,

Sam, Lavender speaks sense :) It must be so easy to give in for a quiet life and then realise that your world has shrunk so much that it consists of the house and nothing else.

You have already, wisely, identified that your mental health is vital - to yourself, because you are important too, and to your mum because it is what allows her to continue living in her own home. Please continue to do whatever you need to, even if mum does throw a toddler tantrum as a result (((hugs))).
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
Morning @Lavender45

Hope you are doing ok, or as ok as anyone can hope for o_O

I did the “anything for a quiet life” & felt my world shrink, whilst getting more & more frustrated & Mum still wasn’t happy. I did a lot of thinking while away & decided I wouId go out most days, just to have space & to make Mum be alone (not in a nasty way). So far, I’m managing that. I don’t know if it helps Mum, but it sure helps me ;)

Mum fluctuates between clingy & wanting me gone. It’s really helping me to be able to off load to brother, he doesn’t make any suggestions, but agrees a lot (maybe he is after a quiet life from my nagging :eek: ). He does say she’s very selfish, but she always was, now there is an almost demand to be the centre of attention. She was dads linchpin, so I’m guessing she is missing that power. Who knows.

One of the carers asked what I had planned for the Bank Holiday. Without thinking, I said “nothing, it’s just another day to me”. Boy, you should have seen the face on Mum. Absolutely furious with me :eek: But, it’s true, it doesn’t matter if it’s Tuesday or Saturday, it’s the same arguments

At least the sun is shining. Hope it puts Mum in a better mood. She’s presently wandering around the garden, pulling the flowers about, while I’m trying not to scream at her .... give her 10 minutes & she will be chopping things down :(

Pooch walk & a long hot shower coming up ...
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
Afternoon @Slugsta

Giving in for a quiet life is all too easy, unfortunately it still doesn’t work. But I had to step away before I could see that. Mum isn’t happy if I’m here all day (getting under her feet !!! - even though she’s asleep), if I go out for an hour (gone all day), so I’m opting for an hour or two a day out. She’s still not happy, but I get a break

I helped out eldest today, it took way longer than I expected, but I got my shop done while I was at it. I was in & out all afternoon, made her milkshake, did the washing etc. When I finally got to stop, she told me (little girl voice) I’ve not eaten all day... it’s stinking hot, there was no soup so she had nothing she could eat. Hmmmm. What’s wrong with the fresh loaf of bread, the pack of ham, the cheese slices, etc. No, she made a big show of opening the bread I was throwing out, that had leftovers in the bag ready to go in the bin. Honestly I could have screamed. How I managed to take the rubbish gently from her, while placing a fresh loaf by her I will never know

Tantrum just averted
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,762
South coast of England
The 'good' thing about not being able to do anything to please mum is that you might as well stop trying and please yourself! I really hope that you are able to avert the tantrums enough to get some pleasure out of the weekend (((hugs)))
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,519
Chester
Hi Sam - I'm still reading here as well, just having a very busy bit of life - moving into another decade, with a party, dau's birthday party overlapping mine, hectic at work, and the biggest drain on my time and energy are teenage strops and angst, sometimes overlapping (hoping to get an update on so bizarre later in the weekend).

I'm glad you are managing to get some time away, I'm not sure I could cope with the clinginess.

Sounds like you need to plan your days to try and avert the tantrums, and make sure every meal and snack is managed in some way or other. But this isn't always possible.

I know when my mum was here for 3 months, once I realised what she could and couldn't understand, I managed to deal with things without getting cross because I knew it was the disease, just wish the same calmness applied to my handling of teenagers, I really don't know where I pulled it from.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
That’s sort of how I’m looking at it @Slugsta, I’m wrong anyway, so I might as well be wrong & get a break. After a week of looking after Mum, brother is my greatest fan, so she gets absolutely no support from him when she tries telling him how I’ve left her alone etc. I do make sure he knows if I’m going out, so he’s not blindsided.

Ive really enjoyed helping someone paint a room. When it’s done I’ll be looking to see who needs help next. I need to get out & if that means a stranger gets a room painted, a garden dug or whatever, so be it :)
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,663
East Sussex
Hi @jugglingmum

I know how busy your workload can be, I don’t miss the stress, although I do miss the buzz. I’m sooooo glad the teenage angst is past for me, eldest is 28 soon, he’s just started growing up ....

I find the clingness very hard to handle. I don’t do “small talk” & her need to fill a silence drives me up the wall. As for the “where are you going .. where have you been?” Aaaarrrggghhh. Her need to be the centre of my world is very tiring. When she follows me I want to run away. I know, it’s the disease, but that does not make it easier for me

Mum is more than capable of making a sandwich, heating soup, burning toast etc. There is food. I even got S the cleaner to get her lunch while I was out, but Mum seems to need to show how I’ve got it wrong. It’s like the disease is her excuse to blame me, she didn’t eat, so it’s my fault. I’m probably not explaining that right. She can get food. She chooses not to. I’m wrong. But, as soon as I’m there to see, she gets food & then tells me how she’s not had anything to eat

When I believe she’s unable to do something, I can deal with that. It’s when I know she can, but won’t, that’s when I have no patience

I think we can cope when we believe it’s not deliberate. A baby can’t help filling the nice clean nappy, but a teenager can help not picking up their clothes. One may irritate, the other is a red rag to a bull.
 

Margi29

Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
1,224
Yorkshire
Afternoon @Slugsta

Giving in for a quiet life is all too easy, unfortunately it still doesn’t work. But I had to step away before I could see that. Mum isn’t happy if I’m here all day (getting under her feet !!! - even though she’s asleep), if I go out for an hour (gone all day), so I’m opting for an hour or two a day out. She’s still not happy, but I get a break
Unhappy when your there, unhappy when your not, you may as well go for the latter and enjoy some time out.

I helped out eldest today, it took way longer than I expected, but I got my shop done while I was at it. I was in & out all afternoon, made her milkshake, did the washing etc. When I finally got to stop, she told me (little girl voice) I’ve not eaten all day... it’s stinking hot, there was no soup so she had nothing she could eat. Hmmmm. What’s wrong with the fresh loaf of bread, the pack of ham, the cheese slices, etc. No, she made a big show of opening the bread I was throwing out, that had leftovers in the bag ready to go in the bin. Honestly I could have screamed. How I managed to take the rubbish gently from her, while placing a fresh loaf by her I will never know

Tantrum just averted