I do feel for you. When William was still at home, when I would get a migraine - and in those days, they were still bad enough that there was nothing to be done but lie down and keep still, even though I couldn't actually go to bed. William had, years ago, bought me a special "Migraine Blanket" in Avoca, a lovely wool, with blend of pinks, blues and greens. So I would curl up in a chair or on the couch with the blanket - and when he saw the blanket, he knew I was ill. So in latter years, he would just get so upset! Unfortunately, all I wanted was to be left alone - I get over-sensitive to light, smells, sounds and even touch when I have a bad migraine. And poor dear William would keep coming and sitting beside me, crying himself in sympathy, and patting me on the back, rubbing my head, and saying over and over (and over!) "poor mama! Poor mama! Don't cry! don't cry! You'll be ok! You'll be ok!" - poor man. If he only knew the temptation to strangle him at the time, except it would have meant moving! And bless him, he was doing his best. And that was a big improvement on the previous years of his illness, when no matter how sick I was, it didn't impinge on him at all. He still insisted he be brought here, there and everywhere - even when I was completely unsafe to drive! He just didn't get it - that lack of empathy. Very difficult part of the illness.
Becoming my Mum's Carer...
- Thread starter HillyBilly
- Start date
LOL. Yesterday OH was so stressed he went and bought rolling tobacco - and he doesn't even smoke
I have a cough and every time I cough, Mum helpfully suggests I need cough medicineI am trying to cough silently. It's not easy.
Hillybilly, you are learning fast, the silent cough!! Any cough or sneeze and the reaction from my mum is "are you ill? you should do something about that" over and over. Or she takes on my symptoms and starts sneezing and coughing for no apparent reason. When I have had a sore throat I have told mum it is because I am having to explain EVERYTHING to her. Some truth in that, with all the questions I have to answer in a day, surprised I still have a voice!
So far, touch wood, Mum's having a good day.
No tantrums over clothes (we were going blackberry picking so I said any old thing would do). She ground the baked eggshells up for me for the chickens, has brushed the dog and we all spent a couple of hours picking blackberries. I've made 6 jars of jam and we also have a gallon of blackberry wine on the go.
She set the table and is now listening to Glen Miller with roast dinner about to be served. Fingers and toes crossed for a peaceful evening for everyone.
No tantrums over clothes (we were going blackberry picking so I said any old thing would do). She ground the baked eggshells up for me for the chickens, has brushed the dog and we all spent a couple of hours picking blackberries. I've made 6 jars of jam and we also have a gallon of blackberry wine on the go.
She set the table and is now listening to Glen Miller with roast dinner about to be served. Fingers and toes crossed for a peaceful evening for everyone.
Sunday evening was fine - wore Mum out playing word games after dinner and she was in bed by 9.30pm. We weren't far behind!
Monday was day care and all was good - in bed even earlier last night but we didn't get a good night's sleep because it was so hot and airless. Found Mum up before us, sitting in one of her armchairs, claiming to have been up for hours
Today was a good day too (Mum helped me dig up potatoes in the garden) - up until just after lunch when her trousers needed changing again. She selected a pair from the offering I gave her and seemed OK, dozed off in her chair. Woke up saying she looked like a clown because her trousers didn't match her top. Off to her room to ransack it. Said she was fed up with me nagging her etc. Has been gliding back and forth twixt bedroom and bathroom ever since, refusing tea and food.
On her last trip back to bedroom we asked her what the matter was. I got a first hand perfect example of a PWD transposing their upset (in this case over their own inappropriate trouser selection) onto the carer when she came out with, "You know why I'm upset". No Mum, I don't. Tell me. "It's because of what happened yesterday". Oh. What happened yesterday? "You upset me". How? "Can't remember". Well I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday Mum. "Sorry is meaningless unless you know what you're apologising for"...
Can't win
Chased up PHN re incontinence supplies and our first delivery won't be until 21 October
Monday was day care and all was good - in bed even earlier last night but we didn't get a good night's sleep because it was so hot and airless. Found Mum up before us, sitting in one of her armchairs, claiming to have been up for hours
Today was a good day too (Mum helped me dig up potatoes in the garden) - up until just after lunch when her trousers needed changing again. She selected a pair from the offering I gave her and seemed OK, dozed off in her chair. Woke up saying she looked like a clown because her trousers didn't match her top. Off to her room to ransack it. Said she was fed up with me nagging her etc. Has been gliding back and forth twixt bedroom and bathroom ever since, refusing tea and food.
On her last trip back to bedroom we asked her what the matter was. I got a first hand perfect example of a PWD transposing their upset (in this case over their own inappropriate trouser selection) onto the carer when she came out with, "You know why I'm upset". No Mum, I don't. Tell me. "It's because of what happened yesterday". Oh. What happened yesterday? "You upset me". How? "Can't remember". Well I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday Mum. "Sorry is meaningless unless you know what you're apologising for"...
Can't win
Chased up PHN re incontinence supplies and our first delivery won't be until 21 October
OH was an absolute hero last night.
Got to about 10pm, we'd eaten, Mum still sulking/sleeping in her room, we were just about to go to bed when she emerged from her room, setting off all the motion sensitive lights that herald her arrival, looking and sounding like the hysterical Wildwoman of Borneo. She was incanting "I don't know!" to everything with increasing volume and scale.
OH managed to steer her to the dining table (fortunately with place still set for her), talk her into sitting down and eating, all the while distracting her with pleasant small talk. I rustled up her dinner and we sat down with her, eating cheese and biscuits, while she ate her dinner and gradually calmed. Then she wanted cheese and biscuits. And dessert Eventually got to bed at 11.30pm. Phew. Then the bluddy mobile phone rang at 5.30am
Got to about 10pm, we'd eaten, Mum still sulking/sleeping in her room, we were just about to go to bed when she emerged from her room, setting off all the motion sensitive lights that herald her arrival, looking and sounding like the hysterical Wildwoman of Borneo. She was incanting "I don't know!" to everything with increasing volume and scale.
OH managed to steer her to the dining table (fortunately with place still set for her), talk her into sitting down and eating, all the while distracting her with pleasant small talk. I rustled up her dinner and we sat down with her, eating cheese and biscuits, while she ate her dinner and gradually calmed. Then she wanted cheese and biscuits. And dessert
Eventually got to bed at 11.30pm. Phew. Then the bluddy mobile phone rang at 5.30am Please be cautious
My partner and I decided to commence caring for my mother (mixed Alzheimer's/vascular) four years ago. The progress is slow but the impact on us has been huge and if my partner was not a saint, he would have left us to it ages ago. I am not saying don't do it, I am suggesting that you really need to think about the impact this will have on your relationships - husband, children and friends. I too have had great 'fun' with social services and this is more stressful sometimes than getting up four times in the night to my mother. No-one goes straight into the anxiety she shows, the blank looks, the wild tantrums and incontinence; it creeps up on you little by little, but: you will not have a social life, respite is promised - then withheld - and sometimes you just have to wait for a bed to become free before you get them into respite for a week - so no planned holidays. Bed time for me is when I can get her to go to bed - but I still have to work part time from home so if I can't get her settled by 2am and have to be up at 7am to get some work done before she wakes up, I am exhausted for most of the time.
Think small children - the difference being that small children become more independent over time.
My partner and I decided to commence caring for my mother (mixed Alzheimer's/vascular) four years ago. The progress is slow but the impact on us has been huge and if my partner was not a saint, he would have left us to it ages ago. I am not saying don't do it, I am suggesting that you really need to think about the impact this will have on your relationships - husband, children and friends. I too have had great 'fun' with social services and this is more stressful sometimes than getting up four times in the night to my mother. No-one goes straight into the anxiety she shows, the blank looks, the wild tantrums and incontinence; it creeps up on you little by little, but: you will not have a social life, respite is promised - then withheld - and sometimes you just have to wait for a bed to become free before you get them into respite for a week - so no planned holidays. Bed time for me is when I can get her to go to bed - but I still have to work part time from home so if I can't get her settled by 2am and have to be up at 7am to get some work done before she wakes up, I am exhausted for most of the time.
Think small children - the difference being that small children become more independent over time.
I hear you Fullticket, I hear you! Four years! Well done you and yours!
"Fortunately" we have no children in the mix! Nor do we ever take holidays away (too many animals)! But the lack of sleep so gets to you, doesn't it?
This afternoon all was going well, picked Mum up from day care, chattering away in the car, did our usual trolley dash round LIDL and then...she had a meltdown at the checkout because her trousers were too big and falling down. I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Wallace and Gromit in The Wrong Trousers
Mum was legging it out through the supermarket doors on her zimmer frame into the car park while I'm trying to load the trolley whilst having things lobbed at me by the fastest checkout girl in the West...
"Fortunately" we have no children in the mix! Nor do we ever take holidays away (too many animals)! But the lack of sleep so gets to you, doesn't it?
This afternoon all was going well, picked Mum up from day care, chattering away in the car, did our usual trolley dash round LIDL and then...she had a meltdown at the checkout because her trousers were too big and falling down. I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Wallace and Gromit in The Wrong Trousers
Mum was legging it out through the supermarket doors on her zimmer frame into the car park while I'm trying to load the trolley whilst having things lobbed at me by the fastest checkout girl in the West...
I'm in hysterics at your wonderful description of the LIDL shop - thank you for that - ! It is all about trying to keep your sense of humour despite the problems isn't it. Just to let you know that I am still giggling at the Wallace and Grommit mental picture you so perfectly gave us. Keep on keeping on HillyBilly!I hear you Fullticket, I hear you! Four years! Well done you and yours!
"Fortunately" we have no children in the mix! Nor do we ever take holidays away (too many animals)! But the lack of sleep so gets to you, doesn't it?
This afternoon all was going well, picked Mum up from day care, chattering away in the car, did our usual trolley dash round LIDL and then...she had a meltdown at the checkout because her trousers were too big and falling down. I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Wallace and Gromit in The Wrong Trousers
Mum was legging it out through the supermarket doors on her zimmer frame into the car park while I'm trying to load the trolley whilst having things lobbed at me by the fastest checkout girl in the West...
I feel really bad, reading these posts.
I am an only child & mum has alzheimer's.
I will do everything possible to keep mum in her own home but I can't move her in with me. I feel awful and a terrible daughter saying that but I just couldn't cope.
I really admire the people who can do it.
Sorry
Ps I do visit 7 days a week. Our holiday was a weekend at the seaside. So very tired
I am an only child & mum has alzheimer's.
I will do everything possible to keep mum in her own home but I can't move her in with me. I feel awful and a terrible daughter saying that but I just couldn't cope.
I really admire the people who can do it.
Sorry
Ps I do visit 7 days a week. Our holiday was a weekend at the seaside. So very tired
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Thursday morning we had an early visit from the PHN with a sample of some smaller pads to try. She demonstrated their correct fitting etc but I was not a little annoyed that, right in front of Mum, she said "of course it can be difficult with people with cognitive impairment"
Had a hissy fit from Mum when I tried to prevent her stuffing toilet paper inside her pad. The samples from the PHN didn't last much beyond lunchtime because after lunch Mum had another bout of the D word and somehow managed to get it into the bag of pads the PHN had brought. Dear god. I still can't fathom out how she did it And in the middle of all that our generator suffered a meltdown. It never rains but it pours.
I had planned to attend the first local Singing for the Brain session of the season with Mum yesterday afternoon but that went out the window. Instead I continued with homemade wine brewing
Day care today and all is peaceful on the western front. The new starter motor for the genny arrived by courier this afternoon so hopefully will be able to re-commence laundry duties tomorrow
Had a hissy fit from Mum when I tried to prevent her stuffing toilet paper inside her pad. The samples from the PHN didn't last much beyond lunchtime because after lunch Mum had another bout of the D word and somehow managed to get it into the bag of pads the PHN had brought. Dear god. I still can't fathom out how she did it
And in the middle of all that our generator suffered a meltdown. It never rains but it pours.I had planned to attend the first local Singing for the Brain session of the season with Mum yesterday afternoon but that went out the window. Instead I continued with homemade wine brewing
Day care today and all is peaceful on the western front. The new starter motor for the genny arrived by courier this afternoon so hopefully will be able to re-commence laundry duties tomorrow
Oh my - don't feel bad!!!!!
My own situation was a bit out of the ordinary to start with - am also an only child but I lived in a different country to my mother. She was already in care and a visit entailed a three day round trip!
You are NOT a terrible daughter at all!
Saturday and all was fine until yet another bout of the D word after lunch. Like straight after lunch so it can't have been the lunch. Am wondering if it's the new brands of pills Mum's now on?
We'd been planning on going out to visit a local castle in the afternoon but going out now wasn't a possibility. So then Mum was moaning about being bored bored bored and wanting to go back to the CH where "at least they took us out" (never mind that she didn't set foot outside once in 7 months...).
Got her outside to sit with us in the summerhouse and she perked up. Slowly. Evening all OK. She somehow managed to drink quarter of a glass of white wine that I'd left on the table, stupidly within her reach even though she hates alcohol.
Today there was a mini meltdown over trousers (what else?) - she liked them, she didn't like them, now she likes them again OH went and hid out in the summerhouse - despite the fact that it's blowing an absolute gale out there.
Sunday dinner in the oven, Mum cuddling the dog.
We'd been planning on going out to visit a local castle in the afternoon but going out now wasn't a possibility. So then Mum was moaning about being bored bored bored and wanting to go back to the CH where "at least they took us out"
(never mind that she didn't set foot outside once in 7 months...).Got her outside to sit with us in the summerhouse and she perked up. Slowly. Evening all OK. She somehow managed to drink quarter of a glass of white wine that I'd left on the table, stupidly within her reach
even though she hates alcohol.Today there was a mini meltdown over trousers (what else?) - she liked them, she didn't like them, now she likes them again
OH went and hid out in the summerhouse - despite the fact that it's blowing an absolute gale out there.Sunday dinner in the oven, Mum cuddling the dog.
Darn it , that was unfortunate (NOT!)She somehow managed to drink quarter of a glass of white wine that I'd left on the table, stupidly within her reach
Keep your wine close and your whisky closer!! You are going to have to find a secret hidey hole for all your goodies. A long time ago I started to hide drink, cigarettes and chocolate in my bedroom, when visiting friends found this out, think they were worried I was turning into a secret chain smoking, alcoholic, having midnight chocolate feasts until I explained.
Saturday and all was fine until yet another bout of the D word after lunch. Like straight after lunch so it can't have been the lunch. Am wondering if it's the new brands of pills Mum's now on?
We'd been planning on going out to visit a local castle in the afternoon but going out now wasn't a possibility. So then Mum was moaning about being bored bored bored and wanting to go back to the CH where "at least they took us out"
Got her outside to sit with us in the summerhouse and she perked up. Slowly. Evening all OK. She somehow managed to drink quarter of a glass of white wine that I'd left on the table, stupidly within her reach
Today there was a mini meltdown over trousers (what else?) - she liked them, she didn't like them, now she likes them again
Sunday dinner in the oven, Mum cuddling the dog.
Oh Hillbilly,
You have a great sense of humour. Sometimes I think in images and can see your husband in Summer house and a gale blowing!!
Sending lots of love,
Aisling xxxxx
Tonight's episode from HillyBilly Towers revolves around the dog and Mum's tooth
Mum already has a very loose front tooth (the dentist was loath to perform any treatment on Mum's teeth due to her very receding gums and her dementia so there it wobbles).
Well, it's now even more loose (I think - she won't let me look at it). Mum invited the dog up on to her lap, bent down at the same time as he jumped up and the dog's (very) hard head met with Mum's loose front tooth
We are all to blame. She's just an old woman and it doesn't matter if she has to walk around with no front tooth and I am a stupid evil cow and she never thought she'd have a daughter like me.
Me, OH and the poor, thick-skulled dog are now all sitting it out in the snug. We have 3 cans of cider between us.
Oh my gosh - OH just ventured into the she-devil's lair (the kitchen), offered Mum a cup of tea and received abuse for his troubles He has returned with half a packet of cashew nuts (no, he didn't offer Mum one ) Guess that's dinner...
Mum already has a very loose front tooth (the dentist was loath to perform any treatment on Mum's teeth due to her very receding gums and her dementia so there it wobbles).
Well, it's now even more loose (I think - she won't let me look at it). Mum invited the dog up on to her lap, bent down at the same time as he jumped up and the dog's (very) hard head met with Mum's loose front tooth
We are all to blame. She's just an old woman and it doesn't matter if she has to walk around with no front tooth and I am a stupid evil cow
and she never thought she'd have a daughter like me. Me, OH and the poor, thick-skulled dog are now all sitting it out in the snug. We have 3 cans of cider between us.
Oh my gosh - OH just ventured into the she-devil's lair (the kitchen), offered Mum a cup of tea and received abuse for his troubles
He has returned with half a packet of cashew nuts (no, he didn't offer Mum one ) Guess that's dinner...
