Becoming my Mum's Carer...
- Thread starter HillyBilly
- Start date
Irongate
Mum up and pottering by 9am, bit confused but otherwise OK. Room ransacked again and soaking wet pad dumped on floor. Mum wearing knickers only. Got pad etc sorted, tea, pills inc ABs, breakfast.
We're all sitting in the kitchen, OH and I doing some work at the table, all seemed to be good and then a sudden snap and tantrum because a T shirt she's taken out of the wardrobe and draped over her frame is creased. Now refusing to go out wearing clothes that aren't ironed
and wants to return to CH.
Mum up and pottering by 9am, bit confused but otherwise OK. Room ransacked again and soaking wet pad dumped on floor. Mum wearing knickers only. Got pad etc sorted, tea, pills inc ABs, breakfast.
We're all sitting in the kitchen, OH and I doing some work at the table, all seemed to be good and then a sudden snap and tantrum because a T shirt she's taken out of the wardrobe and draped over her frame is creased. Now refusing to go out wearing clothes that aren't ironed
and wants to return to CH.
Honeymoon over then?!
It is a fact that we read this a lot on TP when a parent moves in with family. Things start out really well, then I don't know, maybe the novelty of it all wears off for everyone, but problems seem to come thick and fast. Possibly there is a subconscious hope within the carer that once in the homely caring family environment, the dementia will improve? Sad!y the dementia doesn't, but I do hope you get more of the good spells, HillyBilly. It can be a relentless task, and you will need as much outside help as you can get in order to recharge the batteries for the daily round.
Yes, I was warned of the potential hostility from the parent PWD to being cared for by their offspring.
Of course, in the CH, they never told her what to do
I, apparently, am telling her what to do, what to wear, what to eat and drink, when to get up/go to bed, forcing her to take pills and to wear incontinence pads. I am the sole cause of her distress, her incontinence, her poor vision. I have taken away her independence.I did hope that our happy, laid back family atmosphere and home would at least rub off on her and provide some contentment but what's happening in reality is that her bad moods are rubbing off on us and adversely affecting our lives!
Anyway hopefully ABs will do their job and clear up the UTI soon!
HB, I'm sorry. I know it's not your mum's fault, or my mother's fault, or any PWD's fault, but they do seem to always blame it on their nearest and dearest, when in fact we're killing ourselves trying to care for them.
Of course the care home never told her what to do. Right. Tell me another one, HBMum!
Some people with dementia just cannot be content in their home. Some cannot be content with care in a relative's home. Some cannot be content in a care home. It's hard to know until you try, and find the right mix of care, surroundings, support, and medication for that PWD. And then inevitably, they decline, and changes have to be made. It stinks.
This is not to say, that you are doing anything wrong, as you are obviously providing good care.
Certainly a UTI isn't going to make anything better, and I hope it clears up soon.
Of course the care home never told her what to do. Right. Tell me another one, HBMum!
Some people with dementia just cannot be content in their home. Some cannot be content with care in a relative's home. Some cannot be content in a care home. It's hard to know until you try, and find the right mix of care, surroundings, support, and medication for that PWD. And then inevitably, they decline, and changes have to be made. It stinks.
This is not to say, that you are doing anything wrong, as you are obviously providing good care.
Certainly a UTI isn't going to make anything better, and I hope it clears up soon.
And because of a vague, or not even so vague, but not understood, knowledge by the PWD that something isn't right, that "things " aren't how they should be - but they don't know how they should be - many PWD simply cannot be content at all. They are left with a constant, vague sense of unease and disquiet and because they don't know what IS the cause, they start blaming all kinds of things "you're telling me what to do /wear/I have no freedom " etc.
Yes, that's the sad reality, isn't it? Mum is all too aware of her memory problems. Also of her incontinence and the restrictions it imposes on her life - the lack of freedom to go anywhere that doesn't have a toilet within 50 yards.
And it can't be HER fault, because she can't help it, but it must be someone's fault - so it's your's!
Yesterday was day care and all went well. No moods, no tantrums over clothes etc. My few hours "off" were totally wasted trying to persuade my printer to print and then running a fruitless errand for OH's business (doh, half day closing of course). Stopped off on the way back from day care to do a supermarket shop and Mum happily pottered around with me.
Last night all was well except I was more tired than a tired thing and Mum showed no inclination of wanting to go to bed
I am ashamed to admit that I've been to look at 2 care homes in the area. One was very small, smelt of cabbage and was very shabby, the other is huge and very expensive but seems very clean, efficient and doesn't smell. If it does come to CH time, the CH I would really prefer Mum to go to (I know others who have used it) has a waiting list of 7...I've put Mum on it, just in case.
This morning Mum had us all up at 5am but all was OK, she was just on her way back from the loo. Got up at 8am to find her sitting in the armchair, half undressed, complaining of being cold, said that she'd been sick and had the D-word again. I checked everywhere - no D or sick Said I'd call the GP to make an appointment. I can't go to the doctors, says Mum. Why not? Because I don't have a car. Hmm. Said I'd spoken to the GP who advised her to go back to bed to rest. We have a chiropodist appointment at 1pm...she's now in the bathroom - her poo is a bit "loose" but not D.
Last night all was well except I was more tired than a tired thing and Mum showed no inclination of wanting to go to bed
I am ashamed to admit that I've been to look at 2 care homes in the area. One was very small, smelt of cabbage and was very shabby, the other is huge and very expensive but seems very clean, efficient and doesn't smell. If it does come to CH time, the CH I would really prefer Mum to go to (I know others who have used it) has a waiting list of 7...I've put Mum on it, just in case.
This morning Mum had us all up at 5am but all was OK, she was just on her way back from the loo. Got up at 8am to find her sitting in the armchair, half undressed, complaining of being cold, said that she'd been sick and had the D-word again. I checked everywhere - no D or sick
Said I'd call the GP to make an appointment. I can't go to the doctors, says Mum. Why not? Because I don't have a car. Hmm. Said I'd spoken to the GP who advised her to go back to bed to rest. We have a chiropodist appointment at 1pm...she's now in the bathroom - her poo is a bit "loose" but not D.
You have certainly had a roller-coaster ride the past few days! Very glad to hear the diarrhoea is settling. I should imagine that her being unwell wont have helped the confusion! Dont be ashamed of having a sensible back-up plan. No one knows what route dementia is going to take. I hope the rest of today went well.
HB, please, please don't feel ashamed or guilty that you have been to look at care homes. I don't think it's shameful, I think it's sensible. I have lost track of the number of stories I've read here on TP/heard in my support groups about people who wait until the crisis happens, and then have to rush all over to find a suitable care home, and then often have to wait for a place. If you find some suitable facilities and put her on waiting lists now, then you won't have to do it frantically when it's time or if you need respite or something comes up. There is no shame in being prepared.
I'm glad day care went well yesterday, even if you weren't able to accomplish as much as you'd like.
Hope she's not brewing another infection or cold or something. You were clever to say you'd talked to the doctor and he wanted her to rest. My mother also says she has had diarrhea/vomited, when she has not, sometimes she can't seem to articulate that she feels unwell other than that. I hope it's nothing serious. Thinking of you.
I'm glad day care went well yesterday, even if you weren't able to accomplish as much as you'd like.
Hope she's not brewing another infection or cold or something. You were clever to say you'd talked to the doctor and he wanted her to rest. My mother also says she has had diarrhea/vomited, when she has not, sometimes she can't seem to articulate that she feels unwell other than that. I hope it's nothing serious. Thinking of you.
Got Mum showered and dressed, breakfasted and off to chiropodist.
Rewarded her with a fresh cream apple turnover.
Stopped off for a rummage in a charity shop and Mum chose another couple of pairs of jeans and a necklace so she was happy.
Soup for lunch and Mum had a bit of a snooze in front of the fire with the dog. It's raining so nothing much happening outdoors today. Now she's happily rummaging through some of my old baby bits and pieces I presented to her in a pretty patchwork bag.
Here's hoping for a peaceful evening...
Rewarded her with a fresh cream apple turnover.
Stopped off for a rummage in a charity shop and Mum chose another couple of pairs of jeans and a necklace so she was happy.
Soup for lunch and Mum had a bit of a snooze in front of the fire with the dog. It's raining so nothing much happening outdoors today. Now she's happily rummaging through some of my old baby bits and pieces I presented to her in a pretty patchwork bag.
Here's hoping for a peaceful evening...
Touch wood a good evening had here. Listening to Tammy Wynette (never even know Mum liked her!) followed by a bit of Elton John on t'interweb.
Mum took herself off to the loo after dinner and as she left the room she let out a huge, long and lingering fart to which she seemed totally oblivious but which reduced OH and I to near hysterics. "I do hope she didn't follow through" was himself's helpful parting comment as I followed Mum out the door
Mum took herself off to the loo after dinner and as she left the room she let out a huge, long and lingering fart to which she seemed totally oblivious but which reduced OH and I to near hysterics. "I do hope she didn't follow through" was himself's helpful parting comment as I followed Mum out the door
Touch wood a good evening had here. Listening to Tammy Wynette (never even know Mum liked her!) followed by a bit of Elton John on t'interweb.
Mum took herself off to the loo after dinner and as she left the room she let out a huge, long and lingering fart to which she seemed totally oblivious but which reduced OH and I to near hysterics. "I do hope she didn't follow through" was himself's helpful parting comment as I followed Mum out the door
Sorry. HillyBilly, but
Yesterday morning Mum was fine, off to day care. OH and I managed to get another bit of building work done on the house, battening down for winter. Returned to the day care centre to collect Mum and found her sitting miserably on her own at a table. Apparently her pad had leaked badly and her trousers were wet. She'd refused to wear the spare trousers I'd left for her in case of emergency and the staff had found a vaguely acceptable pair of trousers which were way too big. Mum miserable all the way home, wishing she were dead.
Home and changed and perked up eventually. Passed a pleasant evening.
Mum was fine first thing this morning but something snapped again while I was showering her and we had shouting, banging of the walking frame, anger, accusations that we were always nagging her, telling her what to do. Nasty. Asked her not to shout as she was upsetting the dog. Got an "Oh yes, you care more about the dog than me" retort. Big tantrum over clothes, feeling cold, the awful view from the window da de da.
Couple of hours later and she's OK again. She had the last AB of the 5 day course this morning...am worried the UTI might be flaring up again
Home and changed and perked up eventually. Passed a pleasant evening.
Mum was fine first thing this morning but something snapped again while I was showering her and we had shouting, banging of the walking frame, anger, accusations that we were always nagging her, telling her what to do. Nasty. Asked her not to shout as she was upsetting the dog. Got an "Oh yes, you care more about the dog than me" retort. Big tantrum over clothes, feeling cold, the awful view from the window da de da.
Couple of hours later and she's OK again. She had the last AB of the 5 day course this morning...am worried the UTI might be flaring up again
And then Mum kicked off again when I was trying to help her change out of wet trousers (this pad and fixation pant system isn't as leakproof as the pull ups were). She showered me with nastiness, my fault she was wet, this never happened in the CH etc.
She was back to fine again throughout the afternoon. Then, during dinner, it was as if a dark cloud was descending over her. We could actually see it. Not nasty, just unbearably sad and confused. Nothing we said or did or sang could shake her out of it. I got her changed for bed, offered lots of reassurance and hugs, told her she was my Mum and I was her girl. Tucked her in then went to the bathroom myself and burst into tears. I never cry, I'm a hard b****.
Mum's fine today thus far. Me, I now have a stinking cold and a sore throat
She was back to fine again throughout the afternoon. Then, during dinner, it was as if a dark cloud was descending over her. We could actually see it. Not nasty, just unbearably sad and confused. Nothing we said or did or sang could shake her out of it. I got her changed for bed, offered lots of reassurance and hugs, told her she was my Mum and I was her girl. Tucked her in then went to the bathroom myself and burst into tears. I never cry, I'm a hard b****.
Mum's fine today thus far. Me, I now have a stinking cold and a sore throat
With infection, settling in and trying to get some kind of routine going you also have Sundowning! Really feeling for you right now.
Can almost guarantee that when in the care home she would have blamed someone else for being wet!
My mum has been with me for almost 3 years and I sometimes disappear into the garden to scream, cry and then drink whisky!!! not a lot!!
Can almost guarantee that when in the care home she would have blamed someone else for being wet!
My mum has been with me for almost 3 years and I sometimes disappear into the garden to scream, cry and then drink whisky!!! not a lot!!
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