Tuesday 2 July 8.40am
Didnt sleep until 4am. Feeling better, no headache. Read up on black eyes, should get checked for concussion and consequence and possible fractures. OH in hospital, thought I had time for Walk In Centre etc. But no. Admiral Nurse coming here this morning, as arranged a couple of weeks ago. The scheduler on my phone is giving up on reminders as I have so many To Dos every day.
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Admiral Nurse was lovely. Here for over two hours. Must try to do Attendance Allowance forms this weekend while OH out of the way.
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GP rang so he also got my woes both barrels. He'll ring again another day. The children question got asked. Again. And the self harm suicide one......Erm... He has my medical records, no pregnancies or childbirths, and I tried to jump out of a moving ambulance on Saturday as I have no life anyway..... Hope he will arrange a home visit, have no oomph to go chasing about.
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And on the the practical side I have been looking up what to do before going to prison.
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I tried baking bread as a distraction. Sourdough starter bubbling nicely on the worktop. Baked into a damp dead slug that didn't rise at all. My mood exactly🍞⚰️🫥
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9pm. Never got to Walk in Centre just wanted to curl up alone. Feeling much better but constant stress tinnitus and on edge, as if walking barefoot on broken glass. Fight or flight feelingall the time. I really didn't like or want a crowd of strangers in our house on Saturday. Five in total including Community Nurse and our 6 week post hospital support worker. Sooooo intrusive. No time for breakfast or lunch running around doing their bidding, answering their questions, feeling I'm getting in their way. In our own house. I was the only one making my OH drink (3 litres) to get blood sugars and ketones down. Which i always do. Community Nurse just calls 999 and leaves. That's not nursing. Ambulance crew came while I was in loo. They rang and banged on front door while I was shouting where I was and they'd have to wait. OH stood by front door saying same, but didn't open door.
Have got so worried about my anxiety, sleeplessness and the feeling I'm being sucked in by OH's dementia world view, that I've done Alzheimers Society dementia check list. Will query my symptoms on GP website tomorrow. He's calling back Thursday anyway.
I just don't feel I live in the same world as everybody else. Last two days I have stayed at home, don't want to go out. The house doesn't feel crowded out with constant strangers, phone calls, dealing with OH's constant problems...... I feel safer again. Alone but not lonely. Quiet. I'm in control here now and in control of what I do.
This house is ours but strangers intrude constantly and often randomly, and feel free to impose their protocols and questions and criticisms. Yet I have become almost totally socially isolated, caring for OH 247 365 doing the things the professionals just expect me to drop everything for.
I feel like I'm being attacked by the Borg from Star Trek. Comply or be destroyed. I don't have a proper understanding of the real world any more.
And hospital switchboard not switching through to any extensions so no contact or news of OH. They never ring me