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A lifelong friend and me

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
I can’t imagine the frustration of knowing how useless your brother has been, while being told by a relative how helpful he will be. I’d want to strangle them both .., please don’t ... we need to share another drink one day & I’d rather it wasn’t over a table in prison :eek: @Palerider

I took my brother fishing once and he commented “at least you get a break from mum by taking me ..”. He was serious. One part of me just wanted to slap him, but the other part realised that yes .. it was a break :rolleyes:

I can only hope some fairy godmother casts a spell on your brother & makes him step up to the plate. I’ll be forever grateful that mine did in the end. Although mine at least accepted that he wasn’t doing anything & supported me

You just don’t get to “live your life” in this, you put it on hold & try not to think about it

That said, you will gradually be able to visit with your mum as her son & not her carer. You will always be her carer, making sure everything possible is done for her best possible life, but you can gradually become her best friend again ;)
Very true, it all gets very intense on some days, and I truly resent the fact my brother surfaces and just strolls in, having not been seen or heard from in eons. I have to be fair to him though he did go along with the new care home and support it -after first trying to undermine it.

I am feeling a bit edgy this week and not sure why, maybe because there is alot still to do in terms of selling up and finding a new home. Back to work tomorrow, that will distract me
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,688
South East
Hi @Palerider , I can understand you feeling edgy, after all you are trying to deal with mum moving ch and in process of helping her settle in , your brother just appearing like he had always been around and there is mums place to sort out , you have lots on your plate and mind so it’s no surprise really . Go easy on yourself please . Take care x
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
I was wondering whether to share this, but I decided to, because it may help others who are experiencing similar or the same problems.

Today I have had 'the difficult' conversation with my brother by telephone. I have outlined what is about to happen and that I have LPA for mums finances and property. With that I told him what I have been doing over the last few weeks in order to secure the best future for mum. I have told him the truth and that the LPA is now registered with mums bank and also with the equity release company. I have informed him that the early settlement fee on the equity release will now be dropped and that when the decision is made that long term care is in mums best interests the property will be sold to pay for her care (unless disregarded).

This was met with a silent pause and then my brother said all of her money needs to go into a trust fund. No I said it needs to go into her account and from there payment will be taken for her care until she reaches the £23,500 threshold. He asked if I would instruct a solicitor to oversee, I said that given the mistrust between us that I would instruct a solicitor, even though that means extra fees to be paid on completeion of the sale and resolution of mums affairs as per her estate. I have also told him that all sentimental artefacts will be divided amongst family members as per mums wishes when the house is sold, and I will make that decision at and when it is next appropriate.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,215
I was wondering whether to share this, but I decided to, because it may help others who are experiencing similar or the same problems.

Today I have had 'the difficult' conversation with my brother by telephone. I have outlined what is about to happen and that I have LPA for mums finances and property. With that I told him what I have been doing over the last few weeks in order to secure the best future for mum. I have told him the truth and that the LPA is now registered with mums bank and also with the equity release company. I have informed him that the early settlement fee on the equity release will now be dropped and that when the decision is made that long term care is in mums best interests the property will be sold to pay for her care (unless disregarded).

This was met with a silent pause and then my brother said all of her money needs to go into a trust fund. No I said it needs to go into her account and from there payment will be taken for her care until she reaches the £23,500 threshold. He asked if I would instruct a solicitor to oversee, I said that given the mistrust between us that I would instruct a solicitor, even though that means extra fees to be paid on completeion of the sale and resolution of mums affairs as per her estate. I have also told him that all sentimental artefacts will be divided amongst family members as per mums wishes when the house is sold, and I will make that decision at and when it is next appropriate.
When my husband told his sister,who lives abroad, initially by email, what was happening with their mother's care and money, he didn't even get a response. Funnily enough, she was interested when she finally passed away, was on the earliest flight into Heathrow. Sad isn't it?
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
When my husband told his sister,who lives abroad, initially by email, what was happening with their mother's care and money, he didn't even get a response. Funnily enough, she was interested when she finally passed away, was on the earliest flight into Heathrow. Sad isn't it?
There is only one ulterior motive here, but if I have to pay further legal fees to ensure mums matters are settled with the i's dotted and t's crossed then so be it.

I have said what needed to be said, no doubt at a later date it will all be questioned as the reality sinks in that the inheritance is shifting away from where it was assumed to be going........ there will more to this as time gos by no doubt
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
597
Thank you for sharing @Palerider, these are difficult conversations indeed.
I am lucky that for the most part, as a family we are of one mind where the care of my mother is concerned. It was difficult, however to navigate the entrenched view of my father that there was no point in having a financial assessment with the council as "they don't give money to people like us", to the point where he was thinking about equity release on the house - which he didn't need to do as he is living in it.
Mummy is now funded by the council, as she meets their criteria, but I really had to push for this - and do all the assessment paperwork while listening to him telling me what a waste of time it was. I think he recognises now that it was the right thing to do, but at the time it was very hard, especially in a family where he was used to his children doing what he said.
I really feel for all of you with *invisibles* and those waiting to collect their "inheritance". Soul destroying stuff.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,379
That sounds like an entirely fair and firm conversation @Palerider, you have explained succinctly that your mother's income/savings will be used for her care and comfort, just as it should be.
Your brother seems to have the same attitude as my sister and her husband. They wanted total control over mum and her money. My view is that dad and mum worked hard and their money is precisely that, their money, for mum's care in old age.
Like spoiled brats, sister and BiL couldn't get what they wanted and guess what?
We haven't heard a peep from them in over a year!
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
Thank you for sharing @Palerider, these are difficult conversations indeed.
I am lucky that for the most part, as a family we are of one mind where the care of my mother is concerned. It was difficult, however to navigate the entrenched view of my father that there was no point in having a financial assessment with the council as "they don't give money to people like us", to the point where he was thinking about equity release on the house - which he didn't need to do as he is living in it.
Mummy is now funded by the council, as she meets their criteria, but I really had to push for this - and do all the assessment paperwork while listening to him telling me what a waste of time it was. I think he recognises now that it was the right thing to do, but at the time it was very hard, especially in a family where he was used to his children doing what he said.
I really feel for all of you with *invisibles* and those waiting to collect their "inheritance". Soul destroying stuff.
Thats good news for you @Helly68, finances are always difficult to talk about and am pleased you managed to resolve this.

My reality is I have a brother who was depending on his inheritance, which now most likely is never going to materialise, but he never thought of this. I wish I had a family that could pull together and sort things without so much contention, but sadly not. I am going through the same problems when my dad died with my brother, and now with mum its all started again
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
That sounds like an entirely fair and firm conversation @Palerider, you have explained succinctly that your mother's income/savings will be used for her care and comfort, just as it should be.
Your brother seems to have the same attitude as my sister and her husband. They wanted total control over mum and her money. My view is that dad and mum worked hard and their money is precisely that, their money, for mum's care in old age.
Like spoiled brats, sister and BiL couldn't get what they wanted and guess what?
We haven't heard a peep from them in over a year!
Thanks @Dimpsy -you've hit the nail on the head so to speak. But having to continually deal with this kind of harrassment is dragging me down, its hard enough having to see mum with this disease and p[lace her in a CH, let alone deal with vulchars -I am sick to the back teeth of it all to be honest
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
Night everyone, here's a little music to motivate us all on, I'm off into another world for a few days. Feeling very sad but hopeful this all will come right in the end :)

 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,688
South East
I think a lot of us relate to that sadly , it could of been my sibling you were talking about . It’s sad and unnecessary but so common . You have done and said the right thing . Take care .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,235
@Palerider , it was good you were clear with your brother, and though a pain getting things sorted via a solicitor should make him realise that it is all above board. My brother hasn't been that hands on, not his fault for most of the last year as he has been so ill, but he tended to let me get on with most of the day to day stuff before that. However we both agreed that mum's money is for mum, so that's made making the decisions I made much easier.
I do think things might get tricky in my husband's family when his mother dies. Not the money but who had my mother-in-law actually promised her various antiques and other nice things too. She seems to have told several people they can both have the same thing.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
207
Although mum is living with me rather than in a care home, should the time come and she needs more help than I can give she will be in a home. Having sold her property she will be self funding and with a bit of luck could manage this for ten years.

The invisible wanted me to agree to transferring half of her assets now. No no no ....it’s not our money!!!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,165
Bedford
Like @Starting on a journey my brother also wanted to start dividing up Mum’s assets on diagnosis supposedly to ‘avoid inheritance tax’. I told him he had left it too late realistically and as Mum did not understand I was not playing any part in it. I also had 6 months of Mum then thinking my brother was trying to steal her money.
I think what you said @Palerider was very honest, open and fair. It also sounds like you were able to do it in a very calm manner. Absolutely amazing considering what you have recently gone through and still to go through with selling and moving. I hope work manages to give you a ‘break’ and that you managed a good nights sleep
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,379
Thanks @Dimpsy -you've hit the nail on the head so to speak. But having to continually deal with this kind of harrassment is dragging me down, its hard enough having to see mum with this disease and p[lace her in a CH, let alone deal with vulchars -I am sick to the back teeth of it all to be honest
Oh my dear, my husband and I faced all manner of nastiness from my sister and her family, so I understand completely the way you feel.
Is there a word that encompasses the raw hurt and bewilderment for a sibling, raised alongside you with the same loving parents, but who on adulthood doesn't share the same values? It's unbelievable how a family can fracture.
It's to your brother's shame that he is behaving the way he is; have no regrets,
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
Thanks everyone.

It had become a burning issue with me and my brother wasn't getting the subtle messages (which weren't so subtle).

I think this so why I was getting so edgy and unable to settle myself. Anyway its done now and I feel better about it. Yes I was calm and very matter of fact. I went to bed early and watched a reallly wierd history program and nodded off. Up extra early, but today is a work day and I would be up early anyway. Have to start getting back into a normal work pattern now mum is moved and sorted. Lets see what today brings.....
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
716
Hi @Palerider, awful that you have to deal with your Brother behaving in that way - it is traumatic enough having to deal with managing the sale and the house clearance without that layered on top of it all. Surely he is not that stupid that he didn't realise the estate would be going towards Mum's care needs? In your circumstance it is definitely advisable to have a solicitor involved. Stay strong, all the best.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,660
There is only one ulterior motive here, but if I have to pay further legal fees to ensure mums matters are settled with the i's dotted and t's crossed then so be it.

I have said what needed to be said, no doubt at a later date it will all be questioned as the reality sinks in that the inheritance is shifting away from where it was assumed to be going........ there will more to this as time gos by no doubt
I think having a solicitor to oversee is immensely sensible. I have had to do the same because of mums dementia & tendencies to disagree! The fact of the expenditure compared to the potential arguments seems a small price to pay.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,647
North West
I think @Pete1 my brother thought that the house might be disregarded (but for my sake not for his) and saw an opportunity to swipe. Even if the house were disregarded and the house sold, the money would have to sit in mums account until she passes and then distributed as per her Will. But then my brother has tendency to twist things his way even when he is in fact wrong.

Just to say thanks everyone for your words of support, its been a hard few days if not months, where nothing seems to settle down and issues stop arising. I feel very flat to be honest and don't know where I am going anymore. I feel like quiting my job as well and moving on to pastures new completely. I think I am just feelin very low at the moment, but trying to keep going as best I can.

Returning to work as always has helped me regain my focus. Now mum is in a CH I need to organise my time better when I take leave, rather than allow myself to sit and stew over matters that can't be resolved (the brother). Its important also to get used to not going everyday to see her as work takes over again, it can be an emotional strain feeling bad about not being there all the time, but pointless wasting emotional energy over something that isn't going to change for the better, and besides mum wouldn't notice if I haven't been now anyway.

I have a busy 2 weeks getting ready for my appraisal which is never easy as its a panel of three consultants. Yesterday I walked into work to find I had an exam to sit to re-validate my ECG interpretation, lucky I practice this everyday as I hadn't prepared.

I don't know now with certainty where I will be when this is all finished, I think I will just have to go with it and my instincts
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,379
These January blues are just stretching out for far too long aren't they?
I feel the same as you, very low in spirit and I can't seem to buck myself up. Mum's dementia goes on (silly me, of course it does); some days are better than others. Work is work with another office assistant to train up, the last two lasted a few months then left. I'm too old to think about a change of employment, not that I dislike my job, but there is no challenge any more, I can do it with my eyes closed. My oh is having two big operations this year and I think that's at the root of my bleak outlook. The first is next week and then in three months time. It's impossible to make any plans until we know the outcome, so I can see the January blues becoming the February fed-ups.

Sorry to moan @Palerider, I was just going to say I really hope things pick up for you soon, instead it's turned into a pity party for me!
 

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