A new stage in my life...................
- Thread starter Grannie G
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Dear Sylvia
You have been very much in my thoughts each day, wondering how you are doing.
You have always been so supportive when I have raised concerns with Roger and I have always appreciated your kindness and empathy.
I am sure each day offers new challenges for you on this difficult pathway, something I think about for my own future, and wonder how I'll cope. I am sure though, that with Paul supporting you, you will face such challenges and work though them.
I am pleased that you sat with Dhiren on his last night, he knew your love and that must have been a great comfort to him, and also to you.
I am thinking about you, Paul and his family.
Jan x
You have been very much in my thoughts each day, wondering how you are doing.
You have always been so supportive when I have raised concerns with Roger and I have always appreciated your kindness and empathy.
I am sure each day offers new challenges for you on this difficult pathway, something I think about for my own future, and wonder how I'll cope. I am sure though, that with Paul supporting you, you will face such challenges and work though them.
I am pleased that you sat with Dhiren on his last night, he knew your love and that must have been a great comfort to him, and also to you.
I am thinking about you, Paul and his family.
Jan x
A new stage indeed, Sylvia. One which will take time to come to terms with.
I found the first year it was difficult to adapt. For ten years my life has revolved round caring for John, and there were huge gaps in my life. Not only had I lost John, I had lost my caring role, and even my social life, as for three years I had been so much involved with the caring team at the home.
Then there are all the 'firsts', when all you can do is cry.
You'll have to be good to yourself just now, and don't force yourself to do things that are too hard. Allow your mind and emotions time to adjust.
After the first year, things were a bit better for me, because I'd already been through the worst.
My friends now can't believe the change in me. I was already John's carer when we moved to Dumfries, so they only knew me as sad, lonely, stressed, overweight - you know the scenario.
Now, I'm positive, lively, the weight has dropped off without even trying, and I've taken on new responsibilities. And there's the added bonus of empathy and compassion, something we've all developed. Friends say I'm a different person. I know I'm the person I used to be.
Of course I still miss John, and there are still bad days, but I have so much love for him, ha's a constant in my heart.
This is supposed to be reassuring Sylvia. It won't happen all at once, and it can't be forced, but it does happen. Just give yourself time.
Well done for going to say farewell to Dhiren. You're right, you have to make sure there are no regrets. I'm sure you'll find him sleeping peacefully, and you'll come home comforted. I hope so, anyway. I went to see John as soon as he was ready, and again the evening before the funeral. John's sons didn't want to go, it's very much a personal decision.
I'll be with you in spirit on Monday.
I found the first year it was difficult to adapt. For ten years my life has revolved round caring for John, and there were huge gaps in my life. Not only had I lost John, I had lost my caring role, and even my social life, as for three years I had been so much involved with the caring team at the home.
Then there are all the 'firsts', when all you can do is cry.
You'll have to be good to yourself just now, and don't force yourself to do things that are too hard. Allow your mind and emotions time to adjust.
After the first year, things were a bit better for me, because I'd already been through the worst.
My friends now can't believe the change in me. I was already John's carer when we moved to Dumfries, so they only knew me as sad, lonely, stressed, overweight - you know the scenario.
Now, I'm positive, lively, the weight has dropped off without even trying, and I've taken on new responsibilities. And there's the added bonus of empathy and compassion, something we've all developed. Friends say I'm a different person. I know I'm the person I used to be.
Of course I still miss John, and there are still bad days, but I have so much love for him, ha's a constant in my heart.
This is supposed to be reassuring Sylvia. It won't happen all at once, and it can't be forced, but it does happen. Just give yourself time.
Well done for going to say farewell to Dhiren. You're right, you have to make sure there are no regrets. I'm sure you'll find him sleeping peacefully, and you'll come home comforted. I hope so, anyway. I went to see John as soon as he was ready, and again the evening before the funeral. John's sons didn't want to go, it's very much a personal decision.
I'll be with you in spirit on Monday.
I hadn't noticed either, this different section.
I'm glad that you were able to sit with Dhiren after he died. I sat a long time holding Mum's hand and would have felt very distressed had the funeral directors hurried her away. When I went days later to the Chapel of Rest, her face was too waxy; her hair was too set and her "bling" wasn't as it should be. But it gave me the chance to "tweak" these tiny details - the final thing I could do for her although this body was a only pale imitation of Mum. We placed notes and photos and her small night-time comfort toy with her - and all this ritual, for her to be less alone, was to comfort us, not Mum. I knew that, but I still had that feeling of ensuring the best to the end..
And so if Dhiren still needed any last little detail attended to, I'm glad that you took that chance.
I'm glad that you were able to sit with Dhiren after he died. I sat a long time holding Mum's hand and would have felt very distressed had the funeral directors hurried her away. When I went days later to the Chapel of Rest, her face was too waxy; her hair was too set and her "bling" wasn't as it should be. But it gave me the chance to "tweak" these tiny details - the final thing I could do for her although this body was a only pale imitation of Mum. We placed notes and photos and her small night-time comfort toy with her - and all this ritual, for her to be less alone, was to comfort us, not Mum. I knew that, but I still had that feeling of ensuring the best to the end..
And so if Dhiren still needed any last little detail attended to, I'm glad that you took that chance.
Sylvia
You do what you feel would be best. Your judgement has been solid all through this=I see no reason for it not to be now.
Your whole thread has shown how much you love Dhiren and I'm full of admiration for you
Love from Lyn T
You do what you feel would be best. Your judgement has been solid all through this=I see no reason for it not to be now.
Your whole thread has shown how much you love Dhiren and I'm full of admiration for you
Love from Lyn T
Dear Sylvia,
I think that here on TP your wisdom and understanding will always be needed wherever you post.
I find that now I haven't my mother or Ken I have to try to fill my days in a meaningful manner, meaningful for me that is. I try to fill most of my days by being active in various health and social care matters in my area. This helps me tremendously as I feel I have something to give in this field. I have days where the loneliness and longing are quite overwhelming. But these moment pass and I manage to get through it. It does help if I have some sort of purpose for getting up in the morning and I hope that you can find your way through this great change in your life.
As I say, you have so much wisdom and understanding to give to others. I am so sorry that you have to live through this change but I know that you have the strength, courage and willpower to do it.
I'm thinking of you and know from your posts that you are hanging on in there and coping so well. God bless you.
xxTinaT
I think that here on TP your wisdom and understanding will always be needed wherever you post.
I find that now I haven't my mother or Ken I have to try to fill my days in a meaningful manner, meaningful for me that is. I try to fill most of my days by being active in various health and social care matters in my area. This helps me tremendously as I feel I have something to give in this field. I have days where the loneliness and longing are quite overwhelming. But these moment pass and I manage to get through it. It does help if I have some sort of purpose for getting up in the morning and I hope that you can find your way through this great change in your life.
As I say, you have so much wisdom and understanding to give to others. I am so sorry that you have to live through this change but I know that you have the strength, courage and willpower to do it.
I'm thinking of you and know from your posts that you are hanging on in there and coping so well. God bless you.
xxTinaT
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I'm so pleased I sat with Dhiren this afternoon.
I pulled my chair closer and sat by his side, thinking through the proposed funeral service while I sat, humming the music, saying the words. It was just as I had spent hours by his side at the care home only different and much more peaceful.
I had to drag myself away.
The funeral director phoned just now and said if I wanted to sit with Dhiren over the weekend, I should phone the out of hours number and they will open up for me.
I continue to thank everyone for such wonderful support at this stage of my journey. Every single post has warmed my heart.
I pulled my chair closer and sat by his side, thinking through the proposed funeral service while I sat, humming the music, saying the words. It was just as I had spent hours by his side at the care home only different and much more peaceful.
I had to drag myself away.
The funeral director phoned just now and said if I wanted to sit with Dhiren over the weekend, I should phone the out of hours number and they will open up for me.
I continue to thank everyone for such wonderful support at this stage of my journey. Every single post has warmed my heart.
How wonderful that you are able to sit with Dhiren whenever you like. That is very understanding of the funeral director. I'm glad that you decided to go and see Dhiren - you're quite right in thinking it may have been a matter of regret later. I find we regret more the things we didn't do than the things that we have.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you.
Hello Sylvia
You are still here and I am so glad, it doesn't matter to me where I find your posts as long as you are still comfortable with sharing them.
I started reading your posts about two years ago, and have remained a staunch follower because your common sense and your gentle nature and the wisdom gained from experience have soothed me and guided me and comforted me, and many more like me, time and time again.
So now you feel "odd" and that is so understandable because you are now setting off in a whole new direction by yourself. None of us can know what faces you, because each of us face our individual futures. We can share similar experiences and we can guide and prompt and support, but this is now your journey alone but, I hope, never lonely. You have your dear Paul and you have your memories, you have friends both here and in the solid world, and we will always be there for you.....
I'm very happy for you that you were able to feel at peace sitting with Dhiren, I do have some understanding in that respect. I sat with my sister when she died. I talked to her then and I still talk with her now some16 years later , she may be dead but she will never be gone......It's her birthday tomorrow and I tease her photograph. She'll be 57. Not "she would have been"...but " will be". I don't hold with an idealised vision of heaven, I simply believe that she has never left us, just because we cannot see her, feel or hear her. The impact she made on our lives has stayed with us.
I shall always remember Dhiren's smile. He will stay with me and he will stay with us all where it matters, in our hearts and in our heads.
Thank you Sylvia for sharing this with us.x.x.
You are still here and I am so glad, it doesn't matter to me where I find your posts as long as you are still comfortable with sharing them. I started reading your posts about two years ago, and have remained a staunch follower because your common sense and your gentle nature and the wisdom gained from experience have soothed me and guided me and comforted me, and many more like me, time and time again.
So now you feel "odd" and that is so understandable because you are now setting off in a whole new direction by yourself. None of us can know what faces you, because each of us face our individual futures. We can share similar experiences and we can guide and prompt and support, but this is now your journey alone but, I hope, never lonely. You have your dear Paul and you have your memories, you have friends both here and in the solid world, and we will always be there for you.....
I'm very happy for you that you were able to feel at peace sitting with Dhiren, I do have some understanding in that respect. I sat with my sister when she died. I talked to her then and I still talk with her now some16 years later , she may be dead but she will never be gone......It's her birthday tomorrow and I tease her photograph. She'll be 57. Not "she would have been"...but " will be". I don't hold with an idealised vision of heaven, I simply believe that she has never left us, just because we cannot see her, feel or hear her. The impact she made on our lives has stayed with us.
I shall always remember Dhiren's smile. He will stay with me and he will stay with us all where it matters, in our hearts and in our heads.
Thank you Sylvia for sharing this with us.x.x.
Dear Sylvia, I think of you every day, wondering how you are. Now I feel happy for you that you found your time with Dhiren so peaceful and that you were relaxed.
Also that you now know you can return any time over the weekend.
It is a difficult and very personal decision and you made the right one for you. There will be no regrets ahead, only a good memory. A comfort.
I echo many of the words written here about how special you are to us on TP and through you, also Dhiren. His lovely smile will never be forgotten.
Thank you for sharing so much with us.
With my love
Loo xx
Also that you now know you can return any time over the weekend.
It is a difficult and very personal decision and you made the right one for you. There will be no regrets ahead, only a good memory. A comfort.
I echo many of the words written here about how special you are to us on TP and through you, also Dhiren. His lovely smile will never be forgotten.
Thank you for sharing so much with us.
With my love
Loo xx
I am glad that you could spend that special time with Dhiren and share what you have chosen to celebrate his life and your time together. xx
I'm really glad too that you could sit with Dhiren. I had much the same feelings you describe - of peace and calm - when I sat with Mum's coffin. I wanted to see her, but the funeral director said he could not make her look viewable. He said because she had been so ill and then had been to hospital for the brain and spine donation he would not recommend that I see her. I took his advice reluctantly but I wish like you I'd been able to see her. I did sit with her after she died in the home and took my leave of her and continued to talk to her much as I had in life.
I took flowers to the home and a rosary a friend's mum gave me when I had chemo to put in the coffin as well as photos cards and messages. It comforted me. I felt a peace I did not feel while she was living.
I did not find it hard to post here. I found it on the contrary a place of enormous peace and comfort - Mum used to call me contrary Mary! - somewhere to come and muse and think and unload.
I do understand totally why some people find it hard to post here but all I felt was strange that now it was my turn after all that suffering. Just a little surreal.
I do think you have meticulously kept the other thread for writing about Dhiren rather than yourself and been Truly selfless in a way I couldn't be, and I'm looking forward to reading about you and how you are and hoping we can continue to support you as you have always been there for me through the thick and thin of caring xxxx
I took flowers to the home and a rosary a friend's mum gave me when I had chemo to put in the coffin as well as photos cards and messages. It comforted me. I felt a peace I did not feel while she was living.
I did not find it hard to post here. I found it on the contrary a place of enormous peace and comfort - Mum used to call me contrary Mary! - somewhere to come and muse and think and unload.
I do understand totally why some people find it hard to post here but all I felt was strange that now it was my turn after all that suffering. Just a little surreal.
I do think you have meticulously kept the other thread for writing about Dhiren rather than yourself and been Truly selfless in a way I couldn't be, and I'm looking forward to reading about you and how you are and hoping we can continue to support you as you have always been there for me through the thick and thin of caring xxxx
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Thank you .
A friend sent me a meditation tape and I listened to it this morning.
Actually I tried to listen to it last night when I went to bed but fell asleep while it was playing. No bad thing. It helped me have a good sleep.
So I listened to it this morning , on waking.
It helped.
A friend sent me a meditation tape and I listened to it this morning.
Actually I tried to listen to it last night when I went to bed but fell asleep while it was playing. No bad thing. It helped me have a good sleep.
So I listened to it this morning , on waking.
It helped.
Hi Sylvia
I totally understand how you feel.
Odd, was a great description of the way I felt when Dad died. Probably can't explain it properly but I felt as though I was an outsider. I wasn't upset or anything, just felt I was no longer a carer of dementia so I didn't belong on TP. (It didn't last though).
You have a wealth of experience to offer for which each and every one of us have benefitted from at some time or other and are truly grateful.
Bless you Sylvia
Luv
Polly x
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