So bizarre !

[jugglingmum]

Redlou - sorry it is such a long road to sort everything out.

As Amy said, sending an email may be easier, you can set out a case hard to argue with, whereas in a call, your brother can say he isn't paying as too much, even though it is half and you chose the cheapest.

I'm absolutely bouncing with the carers at my mum's. I've posted briefly on another thread as I wanted to see if anyone knew what a Social Care Assessor was - as this is the job title of the person from SS who phoned me.

I got a call last Thursday to say my mum had no food and her fridge was empty. I pointed out her fridge was always empty and had been for at least 18 months if not 2 years. I was actually on the way there with a large bag of stuff, but popped in the shop for some more (which wasn't needed). The only thing she had run out of was milk. She had bread, in the freezer, breakfast cereal, and lots of biscuits. It appears they didn't look in her cupboards. On the odd occasion she has run out of milk before she has purchased some from the restaurant. The particular senior who phoned me is one I don't like very much, she was my mum's key worker originally and I was relieved when someone else who both I and mum like much better was put as mum's key worker.

I had planned to contact care manager today to complain about the call, and some other issues, but events overtook me. Yesterday I got a call off this guy from SS repeating the words of the phone call that they were concerned that my mum didn't have enough food. I advised him that as I had told the carers she doesn't have food in her fridge because she doesn't use it, it goes mouldy, and then there is the risk that she would eat the mouldy food (like she did before when she was at home). She has plenty of cakes etc, and at 86 with dementia in my opinion calories were more important than nutritional content. He agreed with all of this. Mum eats in the restaurant at lunch, so has a hot meal every day. I have been wondering whether an evening call to prepare her a sandwich was needed, she used to bring food up from canteen - as she only ate half her lunch and ate the rest for tea. This was when she chose a salad for lunch, now she has a more substantial hot meal.

The other issue raised is when they clean the flat they often find cleaning products have run out. I said quite frankly as they cleaned last week why didn't they tell me then rather than phoning me when they go to clean and products have run out. When I had a cleaner she told me what had run out.

The guy did go down and visit my mum as her review was overdue anyway and he was going to do a number of reviews in her building (he said) - he asked my permission to do so. As the care is technically contracted from LA I was aware they were meant to review but this didn't seem to happen.

I really don't understand why this was escalated to SS without the manager speaking to me first rather than odd random phone call from carers.

He phoned me back afterwards and said everything was fine, my mum was very deaf (I had told him this) but had managed to communicate with him, and had been very proud of all her food in the cupboards and knew where it was!

I also phoned the care manager - she didn't really get my issue - that they suddenly discover the fridge is empty after 2 years - I had assumed the weekly clean covered the fridge. Does make me worry about standard of care. She kept wanting me to speak to the senior that had phoned me last week, and I ended up saying, that you haven't been listening I am concerned about what I was told and the way I was told it so surely I should be talking to that person's line manager. continually wanted to either take over mum's shopping (how on earth would they know what to buy if they don't know she doesn't have fresh food in fridge) or suggest I arrange an on line shop.

I did finally get an apology from her.

To add to issues this week and last week are always busiest weeks of the year in work!

Will be emailing care manager later but off to work now

 

[Amy in the US]

JM, I saw your other post but appreciate the details. How annoying and frustrating for you. Here is a grrrr to them, on your behalf.

 

[Ann Mac]

Hello all,

Thank you Celia - I had a lovely day Visited a homeless shelter with some of my young people to hand over the Christmas bags - they were so interested and keen to get involved and help, such a nice bunch

Hiya Red - nice to see you, though I'm sorry you are having all the stress over the memorial - how you haven't lost it and told your brother to sort it out himself, I honestly don't know! Amy's idea of an email, rather than a face to face - or voice to voice, over the phone - is a good one. I don't honestly know how I would have handled it if I had had to sort out my Mum's funeral, considering how bad our relationship was. When I think of her, its very rare - if ever, actually - that I remember anything good, my memories of her are all around her dreadful behaviour. It would have been hard for me to get over that and make all the decisions and arrangements. Add in having to deal with my younger brother, who was the only one to maintain a relationship with Mum but who would be incapable of sorting anything himself (there would be plenty of demands, but no actual help!) and the 3 sisters, 1 of whom I believe has since told a lot of her friends how hypocritical she thinks I was to even go to Mum's funeral (I can only imagine her response had I been the one arranging it, I suspect she would have given me some serious grief) and I think had it been left to me, I would have run screaming for the hills. So, I'm not surprised that this has been so tough and stressful for you, dealing with this whilst so conflicted over your relationship with your parents, probably (as your sister says) struggling with grief and having absent brother giving you stress too. I really, really hope that your brother reacts reasonably, and that once this is done, you get the time and peace to resolve and come to terms with your memories and feelings xxxx

JM, I haven't seen your other post, but in answer to what a 'social care assessor' is - I think that their role is to carry out assessments and reviews in order to identify risks/needs and to perhaps advise and help on what steps are needed to minimise risks and meet those needs - so they might be the person who decides that a day center placement is needed because the carer is stressed and needs a break, or they may advise more care calls for a pwd in their own home, or things like that. And they may even be the person who has the responsibility of organising those things. And the only reason I know that - because I don't think we have met one of those here (yet) is because that was a job that I saw advertised (in Chester) when I was looking - and one I decided against applying for because I felt that working with dementia would be something I couldn't cope with after caring for Mil for so long.

As for the senior phoning you - I'd be concerned at how, considering she was your Mum's key worker at one stage, she had no idea about the situation with the fridge as regards your Mum . And that that info obviously hadn't been passed onto the carers going in to your Mum. I'm glad you got the apology - though I too would be furious at the circumstances which led to it and would also be emailing the manager, if only to have a record that highlights that awful communication and the waste of time and resources casued by the seniors mis-handling of what was actually nothing at all!. It does sound like this Social Care assessor has his head screwed on though, and I hope it turns out that he actually becomes a good source of support for you and your Mum. On paper, at least, that role sounds as though it might be a role that actually could turn out to be useful to carers and PWD's - though I guess that very much depends on the people who carry out those roles, too.

I had another good work day yesterday, as I said, when myself and some of the young people I had been with on Monday went to hand over the bags they had filled to a local homeless shelter. We spent 2 hours there, talking to staff and people who use or volunteer at the shelter - very moving, sad and even horrific at times, and at times actually inspiring, to hear what was said. The young folk I'd taken with me were clearly so interested and keen to be involved - both they, and the shelter could so benefit from working together, so I really hope this is the start of a project that I am going to find extremely satisfying.

I took a very late lunch break after that visit, to go and see Mil. Not a good start as I walked in to be greeted with tears and a 'How did you know I was here?'. Throughout the visit, she constantly commented on and called out to other residents, critising, telling them what to do and telling them off. It may have been because one gentleman in particular was agitated and the staff were kept on their toes intervening (as he was swearing at all and sundry and even occasionally taking up a boxing stance in front of someone and inviting them outside for a fight) that played into Mils behaviour and need to interfere. Mil told him off several times for swearing (pot, kettle, black!) and each time she took it upon herself to say something to him or to call out anyone else on what they were doing (another chap was ordered several times to 'go and put a shirt on, NOW!' ) she went from tears to real nastiness in a flash. Very verbally aggressive and her body language at times was quite threatening. Not nice to see at all.

I also spotted the injury that had been covered by a dressing last time I'd visited - an obviosuly deep and nasty looking skin tear, which didn't look like a self injury (though there is still plenty of evidence that she is still doing that ) - one of the staff was able to explain how it happened, and its all down to Mil being bossy and interfering again, it seems Little D, a resident there, is someone Mil has taken an interest in - she is a tiny wee thing, not much intelligible speach and often on the move, stopping every now again to bestow the most beuatiful mile-wide smile on you as she passes. The staff said that some days, she and Mil wander round hand in hand for large parts of the day - but that some days, Little D just wants to sit - and that Mil has trouble accepting this. When Mil got particularly insistent that Little D get up and walk with her last week, Little D - who will have her 100th birthday next year! - took exception, and little as she is, she turned on Mil and 'really dug her nails in' to Mils arm, to make Mil let go of her. Hence the injury. Having witnessed yesterday myself just how Mil can be when she is in bossy mode, I can't say I blame little D at all - and I'm bracing myself for more injuries as other residents get fed up with Mil's interference, as from what was said yesterday, its quite a problem with ehr at the moment.

One odd snippet of chat from her - she mentioned someone called Margaret, said she was Mil's cousin who had died years ago. Then added 'Or, at least I think she is still dead!' - didn't catch myself quick enough to surpress an involuntary 'what do you mean?' - and Mil added that these days, in Ireland, they can do all sorts of 'medical things' so for all she knew, Margaret could be alive again now! I changed the subject - but what a bizarre notion!

Day off today - I have 2 pressies to pick up and I'm done When I finished work yesterday, I went and got jumpers/cardies for us all from Mil, have sorted most of the rest of her gifts to others - just have to pick up the last two pressies she always has got for two of her friends - and that's all her shopping done too. About half way through the wrapping - it feels never ending - determined to get it finished this weekend. Then I only have the food shop to sort - though I have most of the meat joints, the crackers and biscuits in already. Cake is being fed with brandy on a regular basis, youngest will do most of its decorating and she is currently pestering me to make the first batch of mince pies Maybe this weekend - we'll see!

Slugsta, Spamar, Grace and everyone else - hope you are all OK? xxxx

Hope you all have a good day xxxx

 

[Spamar]

Morning all,
I've not been able to post for a couple of days cos I use iPad and the app wasn't working, couldn't access anything on TP! Withdrawal symptoms! Haven't done anything about it cos been busy, but this morning, it seems to be working, although it has warned using TP will slow everything else down. Well the most I have running at the same time is music, and at this time of the day I've got the radio on. We shall see.
Many thanks to JM for telling me what to do. I still might have to do it yet!
Main problem ATM is I've got a plaster over right ring finger, ripped a nail, so can't use that finger to type, apologies for any typos I miss!
Yesterday, neighbours came around as usual, then off to Christmas dinner at a local centre. Really good. Chatted to a guy who drives one of the buses that run around taking disabled to daycare, shopping etc. Apparently, in the days when OH was taken to daycare, I was known as the jigsaw lady! Cos there was always a jigsaw on the island unit! Not strictly true, only in the winter! To see ourselves as others see us!
Anyway, a friends husband took both of us to the venue - a present in itself!- and I went back to there's for a drink. Except that we had had nearly a bottle of wine between us already! However, managed a coffee, a chocolate and a liqueur. Needless to say, didn't do much after that!
I'll try and catch up later, will just see if this posts first!

 

[jugglingmum]

If the Social Care Assessor role was Chester it is likely the same, this guy is Ellesmere Port based, but all the same council (Cheshire West and Chester).

I haven't phoned him back, and didn't send email on Thursday as I spent too long in work, care manager not in on a Friday so it'll be one of those late Sunday jobs.

Ann - you are so much more organised than I am with pressies, I picked up a few stocking fillers for the kids today in Wilkos (green & blacks - rather discerning kids) after battering myself on the Wirral footpaths and bridle ways on my cyclocross bike with a load of guys from son's club (and OH's and daus but only son with me) - long story how we ended up in 2 clubs - but partly to do with kids access to things from a recognised kids club. As for wrapping - normally done when I get home drunk from neighbours house on Christmas Eve.

Son is racing cyclocross tomorrow (Alyn waters)- I'm not as ridden last 2 days and body says NO. Then catch up with my cycling club's Christmas tea - dau is racing in Shrewsbury and I'm hoping they'll be back in time to all go out together and buy the tree.

Dau has finished her week of mocks - boy are we glad that is over, but not looking forward to real things spread over 4 weeks Last night OH couldn't work out which child was annoying him most (son was arguing over Scout uniform)

 

[Slugsta]

Morning all,

Please forgive me for not looking in for a day or two, I will leave a note on Ann's desk

Ann, it's lovely to hear how well your young clients got on at the homeless shelter and their delight at being able to do something for others It sounds as if this job is going to give you a great deal of satisfaction.

Sorry to hear that MIL has become rather cantankerous in the CH - but her comment about the lady maybe not being dead anymore really did make me laugh. It's nice that she has found herself a friend and would be even nicer if that in itself didn't lead to problems.

You really are sorted re Christmas, aren't you?! I am so glad that I don't have loads of stuff to buy and wrap for stockings (or hubby's family) that I have actually done very little yet I have asked son to get a toy bulldog for Mum, he suggested getting an enormous one but quickly agreed when I explained that I want something Mum can cuddle, carry around and/or take to bed if she wishes. I'm not sure whether sh'es at that stage but she has collected bulldogs for as long as I can remember, so I think she will not consider it too childish. It's mainly a selection of small things for her this year, including some cheap earrings from Bon Marche.

Spamar, I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed your evening out

Jm, I would be absolutely furious with this 'Social Care Assessor'! You have quite enough to do without having to deal with this Hope you have been enjoying your rides - do you have a tube of chamois cream constantly in the fridge?? Very glad that your daughter's mocks are over.

Red, I hope you are able to get the memorial sorted with minimal stress.

My aquagym meal on Monday evening went well, as did the choir gig at a local craft centre on Thursday. However, I got home on Thursday evening felling a bit light headed and have been a little under par since then - it seems there is a bug doing the rounds. When I was first contact for people with coughs, colds etc I rarely caught anything but it seems that my immune system is out of practice now. Never mind, it's nothing serious - for which I am thankful

Canary, thanks for the 'pilling cats' link Tuesday evening was fine, I simply grabbed the cat in question and popped a pill in before he had realised what was happening. He became more and more wary of me and I am now nursing a bitten finger (he wasn't actually trying to bite me, just stop me from putting a pill down his throat). It's healing well so my immune system must be better than I gave it credit for.

House move has stalled at the moment as our vendors have not yet found something they like and can afford. I do hope that our buyers like our house enough to hang on. However, other than keeping them informed, there's nothing I can do about it so am managing not to fret.

So, I'm not fretting and I'm not in pain particularly - so why am I awake at this godforsaken time??

Thinking of you all and sending lots of love xx

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning all,

Ouch on the finger nail, Spamar - years ago, I managed to damage the nail bed on my middle finger on my left hand, and that nail now tends to split vertically if I catch it on anything, tearing badly - so I know how annoying (and painful) it can be trying to type with a plaster on your finger! Glad you had such a lovely evening out though

All the cycling and work and general being a mum duties, and I'm not surprised you haven't had much time to sort Christmas, JM. Your life sounds so full on! As for me being organised - to be honest, its only the last 2 or 3 years I've got myself sorted this early. I think its because the last few years, I've felt like I had to sort everything asap just in case something Mil/dementia related cropped up and left me struggling to 'get things done' - I used to fret that if Mil became ill, or whatever, then unless I got things sorted in good time, then I'd end up letting the kids (or someone else) down, and that thought would really stress me out. And despite Mil now being in the home, I can't seem to shake that feeling. Once I got the very last present (on Friday), it was almost like a ton weight was lifted - up to that point I'd had odd moments of panic over 'getting everything done' and would often find myself going over lists in my head of what I still needed to sort, even in the wee small hours or other highly annoying times. There are still some 'lists' bouncing round my head now, if I'm honest - but sorting the gifts for the kids and from Mil were the biggest things stressing me, and I do feel better now its all done. So its not so much being 'organised' as still responding to the after-effects of the 24/7 caring, I think

I can sympathise with your OH being annoyed with the kids. My OH and I both ended up cross with youngest here last night - I took exception to the way she spoke to me at one point - she took something I said the wrong way, and despite me explaining, she was pretty rude A little later, OH said that in the morning (meaning this morning) we could all get stuck in and give the house a good tidy up - daughters response was 'Yeah - OK - just don't wake me up while you are doing it' - and she was actually serious

So sorry you haven't been feeling well, Slugsta (though glad to hear that you were able to enjoy the aquagym meal and the choir gig before the lurgy struck!). I have fingers crossed that the house-hitch is resolved quickly for you and that your buyers will hold on. And well done on the successful (apart from the bitten finger) cat pill delivery

Friday morning, I picked up the last of the presents and spent the rest of the day between wrapping and odd bits of housework. I find it stupidly hard to get comfortable whilst wrapping presents, daft as that sounds! I started at the dining room table, moved to the living room floor (bad idea - between hip and back, I was soon in pain and had to haul myself up via the sofa!) and ended up with a TV table in front of me as I sat at the counch. And once I called it a day, I was aching like fury! Mostly done now though - Mil's and OH's gifts to wrap, plus the pressies from Mil to us to sort, and its all done. I need to draw out some cash for those that are getting a money gift, then just the big food shop to do - probably next week for frozen and store cupboard, then I'll do fresh fruit, veg and dairy a day or two before Xmas day - and I may send OH with a list to do that, actually! I try and buy a couple of weeks worth of food shoping, just to get it out of the way and save me having to hit the supermarkets over the Xmas period.

Yesterday, I spent the morning with daughters theatre group, getting some photo's for them and even trying my hand a bit of filming (ages since I've done that!). The older group - daughters group - had sung the most beautiful version of a song called 'Mary did you know' at a mini review the week before, and I wanted to try and get some decent footage of it, it ws so brilliant - just hoping I can make a reasonable job of editing it for them!. In the afternoon we went to Broughton - youngest had some final gifts to sort - and had a wander. I bought some hand painted Christmas glasses and some new cutlery and couldn't resist picking up a couple of those funny ladybird books for the oldest two (though they are the very last presents I am buying!) - the 'Ladybird Book of Boxing day' for daughter - and the 'Ladybird book of the Zombi Apocolypse' for son - The first page of the latter one reads . . .

"When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.

But there are still lots of interesting things you can do"

That will really appeal to my son's rather odd sense of humour

Visiting Mil, photo editing and tidying the house on the to-do list.

Hope you all have a peaceful day xxxx

 

[Slugsta]

Afternoon,

Ann, I understand your reasons for getting things sorted in good time. As you say, years of 24/7 caring have left their mark (((hugs))).

Sorry that your daughter is still being a little madam! All I can say is that it does get better eventually!

I love the Ladybird books! Hubby and I were given 'Husband' and 'Wife' ones last year and I have got 'How Cats Work' for friend's hubby

I also find it difficult to find a comfortable position for wrapping gifts. The dining table is the best but still not great.

We had a nice meet-up with hubby's family at lunchtime today. We will eat later at the quiz, so we didn't stay for lunch with family but still had time to a good chat. It was nice to see hubby and his youngest sis talking - she has barely spoken to him since the bad feeling after MIL died last year. Our son had hoped to come down, he is often saying that he hasn't seen the family for ages, but - surprise surprise - has to work all day. Having been to NZ and LA with work recently, he is having trouble working out which way is up!

My bug has almost gone and my finger is settling nicely - so I guess my immune system is doing quite well after all

 

[Batsue]

Well that's a first, mum called me into her bedroom, she had been trying to wrap two presents up for most of the afternoon and asked for help so I wrapped my own present and one for OH, then she asked who the gift tags should be for, even when I told her that one was for me and one was for OH she did not seem to register that it was odd to ask me to wrap my own present. Mum's decline this year has been steady and her short term memory has almost gone but it was still a bit of a shock.

 

[CeliaW]

Re wrapping presents - apparently an ironing board is best as you can adjust the height for sitting or standing, the sellotape and tags can go where the iron would at the end and, if you have a posh one with the half shelf underneath you can put the presents there once wrapped!

Now all I have to do is put "ironing board" on my list for Santa....☺

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Slugsta]

No way is an ironing board going on my Santa list!

 

[Pegsdaughter]

I always use an ironing board for present wrapping lots of space and no need to clear the clutter from the dining room table.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[CeliaW]

"No way is an ironing board going on my Santa list! "
That was slightly tongue in cheek Spamar - I was waiting for the outrage that I don't have one!

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Spamar]

Do you mean Slugsta?
I've got an ironing board, don't use it very often, cleaner does most of the ironing anyway.
Plaster off finger, but nails are breaking all over the place, walking around with nail file. I'll have filed most of nails away at this pace. Can't understand why nails are suddenly breaking, it's a nuisance. 'Tisn't as if I'm doing any gardening, or anything at all, really.

As you can see, I'm now on new app, it suddenly loaded in the middle of this afternoon. Not comfortable with it yet!


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[CeliaW]

Oops yes Slugsta - sorry

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Ann Mac]

Morning everyone,

Well that's a first, mum called me into her bedroom, she had been trying to wrap two presents up for most of the afternoon and asked for help so I wrapped my own present and one for OH, then she asked who the gift tags should be for, even when I told her that one was for me and one was for OH she did not seem to register that it was odd to ask me to wrap my own present. Mum's decline this year has been steady and her short term memory has almost gone but it was still a bit of a shock.

Now and again, our loved ones do or say something that just really brings home how they are declining, and its always a sucker-punch, no matter how well prepared we think we are Sending {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} reedysue xxxx

Glad the meet up with Hubby's family went well, Slugsta - and it must have been nice to see your OH and his sister building bridges x Good that you and your finger are much better too

That's a good idea, Celia - I'll give that one a try. Not that many pressies left to wrap, but I keep putting it off as the thought of the aches and pains is not appealing! Lol at the ironing board as a pressie - I know what I'd have to say about that!

Spamar, I've read somewhere that taking vitamin B strengthens nails, though I don't know how accurate that is? Might be worth asking at your chemist. It's pain - at the moment I have 9 nicely shaped nails - and one nail that because of the way it tends to breaks, looks like I've chewed it to the quick. I like to use either an 'old gold' polish, or do a french manicure on my nails - but with that one broken nail, I'm stuck with just clear varnish at the moment

We went to visit Mil yesterday, and once again we were greeted with tears - not remembering that I was there on Thursday, as is often the case she believed that she hadn't seen us for 'months'. We all sat round one of the tables and were joined very quickly by Little D - who I think has taken a shine to OH, as she moved her chair as close to him as she could and was murmuring her usual softly spoken and incomprehensible chat to him, so OH missed the long and detailed confabulation that I got from Mil in response to me saying she looked lovely in the top she was wearing. I got a detailed account of how she had been to 'Lane End' the day before and bought it from Johnny's shop (?), how he gets all the latest fashions in and how it only cost her just over six shillings and how everyone says the colour suits her. At this point OH tuned in and agreed she looked nice - and without missing a beat, Mil told him that she had bought the top 'from the second hand shop the other day', already having forgotten the story she had just given me, literally only seconds before. Similar to you reedysue, with your Mum and the presents, even though you know that it happens, its still awfully hard for your head to accept that someone can forget what they have just said and done, so completely and so quickly. We stayed for about 40 minutes - it seems that this is as long as she can cope with, even on a good day - and once again, we had tears when it was time to leave. She thought she was coming with us, she couldn't 'stay here' by herself', what was she going to do? She didn't know her way home from 'here', we said we would take her. All we can do is escape as quickly as we can, ignoring the distress by responding with over the top heartiness and lots of lies about how we will be back once we have 'done the shopping', 'finished work' or whatever.

Although we didn't see any of the bossy behaviour whilst we were there, on the way in, the staff we spoke to confirmed that they had had a very 'up and down' day with Mil so far, because of that sort of behaviour. I like that they are not only so straight with us, but also that they have a very matter of fact and common sense approach - they are watching her, they are alert to the fact that they have to be ready to intervene, but now and again (as with Little D and the injury on Mils arm) Mils 'interference' comes so out of the bue and provokes such a rapid retaliation from resident that is just impossible for the staff to step in quickly enough to prevent a 'scuffle' at times. I know that they cannot have eyes in the back of their heads, and that although the staff ratio is really good, that things like that can and will happen - but its just quite a nice change to deal with people who are so 'real' about the situation and acknowledge that themselves - it's somehow more reassuring.

Lots of admin today, which will keep me busy and hoping to finish off the present wrapping tonight (haven't touched it this weekend!), so that's my day sorted!

Terry - think about you, hun xxxx

Grace - hope all is OK with you?

Have a good day, all xxx

 

[RedLou]

Slugsta - glad to hear about OH and sister - I'm determined not to fall out with my brother. May make me a bit of the 'put upon' one in the family - always have been - but at this stage just not worth making a huge song and dance if I have to shoulder all the cost. Am putting it in an email as suggested. Now I'm just procrastinating on writing the email.

Spamar - if your toe nails are fine it's not a deficiency - it's something like dryness in the flat in winter or too much exposure to moisture. Think the cure is rubbing in lanolin (if you're not allergic to it) and rubber gloves for housework!

Hope Grace is okay.

Your schedules - Ann and JM - leave me gob-smacked. I've just submitted my course work for the degree. Had to record a spontaneous 5 minute piece -- had to do it again and again and finally was getting it all right and the postman arrived and the dog threw herself at the window barking and yep! all got recorded. I think I did it about 25 times before I was satisfied and then I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of a wrong verb tense I probably used. :roll eyes: Not sure I have the energy to re-do and re-submit!

Warm wishes to everyone else. Christmas with dementia lurking in the background is always an extra degree away from the ideal in our minds.

 

[Slugsta]

Evening all,

Celia, you will get no outrage from me for not having an ironing board! We only have one cos OH uses it

Spamar, sorry that you are having problems with your nails. After 35 years of nursing, I was really looking forward to being able to grow, and paint, my nails. However 1.5 hours of aquagym per week renders my fingernails very prone to splitting and peeling. One of my middle fingers currently has a nail that has split right down the low on the side, when it goes it will be well below the white bit - and sore, I suspect!

Ann, it must be truly bizarre to hear MIL swerve from one confabulation to another mid sentence! And to realise that she has no concept that she is doing this, or that her stories are 'unlikely' to say the least

Well, we went out to quiz just after my post yesterday. We got there and had just ordered snacks and drinks, then got a phonecall from Mum's carers saying that they could not find her! She wasn't with her friend, in the communal lounge or anywhere else they could think of. So we left our drinks where they were and left, having first called the Police on 101.

When we got to Mum's flats it was clear that there was an evening service in the church next door, so I sent hubby over there while I went to see if friend had any ideas. Hubby rang me within minutes - yes, Mum was in church, enjoying the carols I have left a message for carers, suggesting they should try the church if ever they can't find her on a Sunday evening. To be fair, they didn't realise that she takes herself there for morning services, so it wouldn't have occured to them to look there.

Am I right in thinking that SS will be informed by the Police?

Love to all, xx

 

[Spamar]

Hi Slugsta, yes, I think the police will, so at least SS will be primed with that knowledge.

Toenails!! Mine are so bad I refused to wear sandals when I was 9!! They haven't improved any, rather the opposite. Didn't last long, as at 10 my friends and I spent most of our time on the beach! And at one stage in my life I was walking shingle quite a lot, and regularly broke toe nails!
And Red, what is 'housework'? Oh yes, that stuff I pay a cleaner to do cos I can't stand for very long? Or move very well? I do remember the days when housework used to be done on a Saturday morning!
This breaking of finger nails has come on suddenly, which was why I thought some one might have a bright idea. I will check up on vits B and C. I've just started taking D, cos I don't get much sunlight these days. Diet D-wise, not bad, but not good. No gardening or walking any more! Even being outside in summer affects me with allergy-like reactions. Life's a b...h sometimes!

Think the gin might be out tonight!

Just seen news headlines, I like squid!

Have a good evening!


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[Amy in the US]

I would never have thought to use an ironing board to wrap presents. I will give it a try. It beats clearing off the dining room table or the kitchen counter! Thanks for the tip.

Hope everyone is as well as possible.

RedLou, you will get no trouble from me on the procrastination. Ask how much progress I'm making with my mother's financial advisor/finances/trust situation (none), or when I plan to get stuck in and deal with it (not today).

Ann, I am sorry to hear of MIL's distress and those confounding confabulations.

Slugsta, I'm glad your mum was alive and well, but that must have been a heart stopping phone call.

Spamar, I am not sure what causes troubles with nails but hope it either clears up by itself, or that you find a solution. I don't think anyone in the UK or where I live is at a latitude where they can make Vitamin D in December so it's likely very sensible to do the supplements. I keep meaning to ask my doctor about this.

I have made good progress on Christmas gifts and sent off a parcel today to an honorary niece who is in university and who was in want of a care package. I started wrapping, I have things sorted for the Christmas stockings/holiday hosiery (that's my silly non-denominational term for stockings for the family members who don't celebrate Christmas but to whom I give them anyway), we did some baking over the weekend, we got a tree (naked but up!), we got out some Christmas decorations, we listened to music, all very pleasant. If Amazon manages to deliver everything before Christmas, even better!

We might have had some failed cookies, but I don't care. Bound to happen when trying new recipes. (We decided this year that we are only making what we want, when we want to. The heck with the rest of the family who seem to expect us to make the same recipes over and over again, so they can eat them. And I sent a lot of our output to the niece this morning anyway; she will appreciate it.)

I have a story to share, and advice to ask, please.

Last Thursday night my husband and I went to the care home as they were having the Christmas dinner party that evening. Last year, my mother was on the assisted living ward and it's a fairly elaborate do there. They have musicians, an excellent holiday meal served buffet style, Santa comes to visit, there's an open bar, and everything is beautifully decorated and quite elaborate.

This year my mother is in the dementia ward and they, very sensibly, do a stripped down version. The food is the same, but they bring portioned plates to the tables. Instead of a band, there is a pianist playing carols. Santa and Mrs Claus did come to see everybody (Santa had a magnificent outfit), and they were very good, indeed.

I thought I would feel sad or upset that we were in the dementia unit, but it was actually okay. We went for the earlier seating as my mother does better earlier in the evening, and sat at a table with my mother's friend Miss T. It was quite nice and my mother and Miss T seemed to have a good time. I think it was just the right amount of stimulation and fuss and that my mother could not have handled more.

What did upset me was when my husband and I left, my mother got upset, started to cry, and clung to me. That has never, ever happened before and while I think I reacted okay in the moment (I hugged her, comforted her, and then a staff member intervened and distracted her while another staff member led me out of sight and let me off the ward), I was very distressed. I talked to a couple of staff members for a few minutes afterward, so they would know my mother was upset, and also to calm me down, but then I went to my car and sobbed, and then called my husband (who was going somewhere else that evening) and sobbed some more.

I am guessing it was a combination of things: being later in the evening than usual (we almost always visit during the day, usually in the 10 am to 2 pm range, as this is when my mother tends to be sharpest), the activity and excitement of a party, the stimulation from the music and guests and unfamiliar faces in the dining room, disruption of routine (not sitting at her usual table, not eating at the usual time, not the usual dinner service order), and some awareness of and anxiety about Christmas time.

My mother said several times during our visit that she needs to go shopping, she hasn't bought any gifts, and she doesn't want to go shopping, but she must go shopping, she hasn't bought any gifts, whatever will she do, et cetera. This is not a new refrain. Last year she got visibly distressed about "presents." The prior several years, before her diagnosis (but not before dementia) she didn't handle shopping well, at all. In fact, I've not taken her shopping for the past two years. I certainly am not taking her shopping this year either!

Any suggestions or tips about how to calm her anxiety about "presents?" The refrain is always, "I haven't gotten anything for you or [my husband]," "what are we doing for Christmas?," and/or "we need to go shopping." I can usually deflect "shopping" with "of course I can take you shopping if you wish; however we will go when it's not dark/not so cold/not raining/not snowing/a nicer day/not so late" and this is always accepted. However, I don't know how to deflect the "present" refrain. Nothing I've tried works.

It was less distressed than last year, and she was a bit more distractable, so perhaps there is hope. Last year, even though I bought lots of gifts that were ostensibly "from her," and wrapped them exactly in the way she would wrap them, and took them to her ahead of Christmas, and showed her many times, and then we unwrapped them in front of her, she could not remember and kept repeating (for hours) that she hadn't bought us anything, she had no presents for us, what was she going to do, she was confused and upset, we would show her the gifts and try to reassure her, and then it would repeat. I understand that the dementia and memory loss are getting in the way, and that this is a theme from before and after having dementia, and that it's very emotionally charged. I just don't know what to do about it.

I would like to avoid a repeat of this. I want to spare her distress and anxiety about presents!

I'm also worried, and I know there is no point in being worried but I am, but I am also worried about taking her out for a meal on Christmas Day. DH/OH thinks this will be the last year we can do it and so he wants to take her out and I don't feel strongly enough about it to contradict him, but I am just not sure. It could be fine, or it could be not fine, and I don't have much control over that.

I don't expect anyone to solve any of this for me, mostly I just wanted to get it out there. Thanks for listening!