So bizarre !

[RedLou]

Ann - the very fact you can't ignore the insults, is proof that you need a break. I'm sure it is a difficult, perhaps impossible task for anyone with a healthy mental state to continually put up with abuse and the reason behind the abuse makes little difference. So chalk your reaction down to being a fabulous, vibrant woman with a healthy self-respect. & it's no bad thing, either, that your oldest saw that. Personally, I don't think it does women any harm to see other women sticking up for themselves. After all, the daily lesson oldest absorbs from you is that women are carers - and caring beyond the call of duty. *hug*

Anne - went to see The Father late last year. Was bawling by the end but it's really not sentimental - just very well-observed in a way that rings bells for anyone who has been there. Won't write more and spoil it for you.

 

[2jays]

I don't think it will take much for you to cry when you next manage to speak to CPN.... Don't stop the tears... Sometimes tears are the key to open the locked and barred door....

Hoping that door is opened wide so you all get the respite you all need, mil included

xxxxx

 

[Ann Mac]

I tell you 2Jays - those tears have been pretty close this morning already

Got her up and was treated to the silent treatment, she spoke to me only when she had to, but though she was very slow, she wasn't exactly uncooperative. She did say that her knee was very sore and I told her politely that I would make sure she got pain killers with her breakfast meds. When she came down, she sat at the table and I served her breakfast - no pleases, no thank you's, just dived in. I went out onto the patio with my coffee and as soon as the doors were shut she launched into telling OH something about how she had fallen upstairs and how I had stood 'over her, laughing'. I came back in, OH asked me had she fallen, I said No, and she called me a lying B****. OH gave her hell over calling me names, and she was off and running with accusations and insults. When he got firm, she piped down, but only until he left for work, and then it was straight back into nastiness. I gave her the meds, including her pain killers, then gave her her shoes and told her to go and sit in the front room. Rather shell shocked, she asked wasn't I doing her hair for her. I told her no, I wasn't - reminded her that her hair brush was in her handbag - which was in plain view hanging from her frame by the sofa - and said that as she was being rude, I felt the best thing was for us to be in separate rooms, so she would have to just make do with brushing her hair this morning. Petty ? Yep - but also a of truth in me feeling it was best if I limited contact between us.

I gated the kitchen and went to the loo - forgot all about the flipping coat, which she grabbed whilst I was in the bathroom and then refused to put it back. I left her to it - she woke youngest, banging and rattling at the front door and shouting at me to open it. Although the handbag was in plain view, she was ranting about it being stolen, even when I pointed right at it, she ignored me and carried on shouting. All the scatter cushions were flung about as she looked for the bag, but when she finally found it she launched into a rant about how I'd put it 'somewhere different' just to upset her She then decided she was leaving, with 'HER' dog, and started shouting the pup's name over and over - the pup was by now cuddled up with daughter in the dining room and not for moving, so that led to accusations of us stealing her dogs.

All this was delivered combined with a never ending stream of insults that ranged from me being spiteful to me being old, smelly, dirty and (of course) ugly. She invented a range of 'offences' I had committed, from me having beaten, kicked and otherwise physically abused her, through to me being a 'dirty cow' who had deliberately spat on her to give her my germs. I shouted back at her a couple of times, before I managed to pull back and simply refuse to respond or engage with anything she said. I don't know what else I could have done - there was certainly no reasoningwith her at all.

I am praying that this continues at DC, because she desperately needs help and maybe if it continues, then something will be done soon. She was red and breathless, and so full of hate that it was almost frightening to see. I am telling myself its not her, its the dementia - but being honest, I can't help thinking deep down that what the dementia has done is simply revealed some of the things that I think she may have secretly felt about me for years. That level of dislike can't just appear from nowhere, can it?

Roll on respite - thank God its tomorrow!

 

[Onlyme]

Oh heavens, what a dreadful start.

I really hope she kicks off in respite as I'm not sure they will stand a week of this without getting outside help.

And breathe.

 

[canary]

That level of dislike can't just appear from nowhere, can it?

She is not seeing you as you - she is seeing someone quite different because of her dementia. My MIL once gave me a mouthful (not even in the slightest bit on the scale of your MIL), which was upsetting, but the next day she knew who I was and had no recollection of the incident. When I told her about it (I didnt have much understanding in those days) she was horrified and said "I would never say things like that to you dear and its not true anyway". You have just been ground down so much by the constant repetition that you have started to believe that this is really what she has always thought deep down.

Im so glad that you have got respite and I do so very much hope that they find a place for her in the assessment unit.
xx

 

[Moonflower]

Ann, could you film MiL when she acts like this and show it to the CPN? It is so awful that your dreadful experience isn't enough to get her properly assessed, it has to be seen at daycare.

In your place I would be phoning CPN and insisting on assessment. I know you want to keep her at home, but she must be so miserable and angry.

And I totally agree with what others have said, it does your children no harm to see you sticking up for yourself. Otherwise your youngest is seeing you being verbally abused as "normal" and it isn't, and shouldn't be.

 

[2jays]

They say..... It a known fact that those you feel safe and loved by are the ones you hurt the most....

I understand that, I think I'm a bit like that sometimes..... but it still hurts when it happens to me. I Can be earth shattering hurt, making me doubt how they truly feel about me... When, deep down inside, I know it's their way of feeling secure

Doesn't make it any easier does it.

I don't think how you are dealing with this situation right now is wrong. What is wrong is that you are having to deal with this situation in this way. This situation should not be happening.

It's not your nature to be like this. It's not you failing, but it is a line in the sand that has smothered you because it's now a huge deep line, that to get through, you must now look at it for what it is, something you can do no more to, to make it easy to jump over. Analogy : you have been doing the high jump regularly. Suddenly the bar is raise too high for you to leap over, you now need the help of a pole to get you over the bar. Life has turned from high jump to pole jump. You need your pole now and you must do everything you can to get it, or others will continue to grease that pole, keeping it just out of your grasp

Use those tears to wash away the grease

Blanket of hugs xxxxxx

 

[Grace L]

Slugsta, Hope you are OK.
Remind me, was the PIP assessment done as you are from switching over from DLA?
Late husband had DLA, and it was a huge fight to get it. (Not even the high rates).
Why you have to be re-assessed is wasting money.
ESA is that changed too? I thought once they gave you ESA you had X years till they see you again.


AnnM.... Its hard not to take the insults personally, day after day, hearing vicious insults.
It wears you down, no wonder you have 'off days'.


Asked GP Nurse to write a letter (unofficial complaint) to my knee Consultant.
Ages ago I had a letter saying I am on the list , but the list long...
I think they anticipate my stay as longer than the norm, and as I live on my own ,
I will need an after care package when I come home. £££, and home physio...
and I think hospital transport for hospital physio.
Cost to them is much higher than someone else having surgery.

Docs don't know I have a Niece and 1/2 friends who can / will help me if necessary.
I don't like asking people for help.

 

[IzzyJ]

AnnMac, I really, really feel for you. This is so horrible for you, having to take all this hate and abuse all the time. You are incredible to accept it so often and put up with it, I am glad you did turn and give some of it back. As others have said, it is important that your oldest was able to see and understand what you are faced with, and also that there are limits even to what you can put up with. If it was anyone other than a person you are caring for, a PWD, this level of abuse would be actionable, and you are a strong woman under normal circumstances. I agree with you - it is easy to believe that abuse from a PWD, physical and verbal, is their real character, stripped of the veneer of civilised behaviour. I certainly believed it of my mother. She could be so nasty, using all the buttons that she knew would get to me most. To be honest, I was scared with her a lot of the time. I know that applies to several people here. I hate the idea of someone like you, the most compassionate and giving of women, being reduced to that state.

 

[Slugsta]

(((Ann))) I can't add anything to what has already been said. You are a strong, beautiful, loving woman who is being pushed beyond endurance. You should not have to be in this situation and the 'powers that be' don't seem to care that you are. Of course you can't help thinking that this is what MIL really thinks, you are only human after all!

Thank doG for respite!

Grace, I hope your nurse's letter helps get things moving for you.

Yes, I am currently on DLA and being switched to PIP - even though my DLA should have run until Oct 2018 PIP has deliberately been made harder to get, it's highly likely that I will lose my car, if not the whole benefit. I have also been on ESA for a few years so it is being reassessed. I was reassessed in Feb and the decision was to reduce my award and only give it for 3 months - hence I am having to do it all over again just 2 months later. I suspect they think I should be skipping around like a spring lamb now I have had my op! I wish.

Took Mum shopping and for coffee today. She is getting quite angry with my hubby on occasion. He can be a bit patronising at times and she is picking up on it

 

[Ann Mac]

Moring all,

And thank you everyone. My head tells me you are right, that it really is just the 'dementia' speaking - trouble is, I guess, when you get several days where the abuse is sustained and so repetative, I find that I at least tend to stop listening to my 'head', and I do let it get to me. Isn't it strange that Mil can't remember how she knows me, yet as Izzy says, she can and does remember which buttons to press to get the maximum impact from what she says to me? I'm 6 years older than OH - to the exact day, we share the same birthday - and whilst thats never really been an issue for him or me in the past, I think its the reason why she goes on and on about me being 'old'. There have been so many comments about how she doesn't believe that he would have married someone who is as old/who looks as old as me, and its got to the stage where the age difference is now something that I'm thinking about, whereas I never have before. And I find it hard to believe that its just coincidence that its something that she makes such a big thing about. Part of me feel pretty certain that she must have some awareness of the fact in order for her to make such a big 'issue' about my age now.

Grace I hope the nurses letter has the desired effect, hun xxx

I feel for you, and everyone else who is repeatedly having to be assessed and hassled due to this current climate of 'lets save money by targetting the disabled, the sick and the poorest members of society', Slugsta - its just disgusting beyond words. Makes me so angry - I do hope I'm around to see what happens when Karma catches up with Cameron and his cronies. Talk about the lowest of the low

Spent a good bit of yesterday sorting out the last 'bits and bobs' for Mil's respite stay - typed up the list of clothes and personal items, and after a call to respite where they said I could put her meds into the medi box myself but they would need everything listed and a copy of her 'scripts, I got all that done - it would have been easier for me just to put the meds in their boxes into a bag and let them sort it , but I know that I would have felt bad had there been any mistakes. Packed up a bag with the meds, pull ups, toiletries, ect - just have to add her slippers to that this morning - and checked (again) that I hadn't missed labelling any of her clothes or posessions - just as well I did, cos I had missed both the top and trousers that I had put ready for her to wear this morning to actually go in. Seriously - just getting her 'stuff' sorted to go into respite is hard enough work to justify the break anyway!

As I thought, our CPN doesn't work on Fridays, so I am still in limbo about what is happening (or not) regarding Mils possible admission and assessment

Picked Mil up last night, greeted by a staff in the seniors uniform, who looked sort of familiar (though not someone I've seen there a lot, I don't think) and who told me in what I felt were rather exaggerated tones that of course Mil had been 'fine' all day - she also added that she had just been about to get Mil some 'ice cream, to cool her down' before I arrived - and there was something rather 'odd' about the way she said it that sounded almost challenging I merely said 'Were you?' and turned to help Mil with her coat - I did feel like I was almost supposed to rise to the comment about ice cream though - it was decidedly off key! I spotted a staff that I am familiar with stood near by, and caught her rolling her eyes at the 'ice cream' comment, so I don't think it was just me finding this senior's atttitude a bit odd either.

Mil was reasonably quiet on the way home, but there was a touch of frostiness when she did speak to me and I decided that I was giving her a fairly wide bearth once we got home, Just not in the mood to give her any chance to start on me again. So, I left her parked in the front room for the evening, whilst I hid away in the dining room, telling her politely but firmly that I was 'busy working' when she attempted to join me on a couple of occassions. Oldest was sat in the front room too, and she got a tiny taster of Mils usual delusional behaviour - I don't expect the kids to help out with their Nan, its not their responsibility - but I do think that they need to understand what her care involves and the impact it has on me and their Dad. The previous night, as I said, I felt daughter really didn't get why I had blown at her Nana. Last night, I think she got more of an insight, as I heard her reassuring her Nan that no - there wasn't another dog, and no - Nana hadn't left shopping in the kitchen and no - Nana hadn't brought the little boy home with her, etc., etc.,. At one point, only half jokingly, dau was threatening to 'superglue your bum to that seat, Nana, if you don't sit down and stop fretting for just 5 flipping minutes!'. Perhaps she has a bit more of an idea now - she had already left for uni when Mil moved in, so she has never lived with her for months on end as the rest of us have, and OH and I always try to shield the kids as much as we can anyway. Last night, dealing with the non-stop run of delusions was I think a bit of an eye opener.

Although I responded politely to Mil and certainly saw that her 'needs' were met last night, I managed to avoid having much interaction with her by hiding out the way I did. At bedtime, in the bathroom, she was very off with me and there were more than a couple of digs - 'Did I enjoy ordering her around?' (because I asked her to turn round so I could unfasten her bra as she can't manage!) and 'You always were bossy, weren't you Ann?' (when I asked her to pass me the pop socks she had taken off so I could put them in the laundry pile) - I totally ignored everything and as soon as I could, I said 'Goodnight' and made my escape.

I just have to get through this morning now! We have mentioned to Mil that she is having a 'little holiday', but there is no sign that its really sunk in with her, so I am half expecting some fuss from her. The plan is for me to get her ready and then OH will take her and drop her off, whilst I get youngest ready to leave for the last day of Joseph. The I'll drop youngest and her mate off for the coach, come back, hopefully get myself ready, and OH, oldest and I are heading off to Rhyl to spend the day before seeing Joseph tonight. Tomorrow (if youngest isn't too tired) the plan is a zoo day - youngest back to school on Monday, but we might risk taking her out on Tuesday for a day trip to Manchester - we'll see.

Hope you guys all have a good day - I'll probably be in and oput the next few days, to keep you updated on any news on the assessment - I am betting that respite is likely to be cut short because of it

 

[Batsue]

I am keeping everything crossed that respite goes without incident and you get a chance to relax, you most certainly need it xxx.

 

[Mrsbusy]

........ and the award for patience, stamina and controlling her tongue goes to ANNE!


I feel tired for you listening to your last few days. How does your MIL reacted if you answer her with sarcasm, eg when she says things like You enjoy ordering me about if you answered yes that's right I do, I used to be in the army so you had better watch yourself! Not nastily but jokingly. Wondered if the approach may catch her off guard and change her attitude. I doubt it but ..

I would if I was you leave a smart phone on record maybe when she returns home from DC or in the car so you can show CPN how she is. Videoing her is to obvious to her so she may change her behaviour and be aware of it so I think a voice recording would suffice.

 

[RedLou]

Slugsta - I'm sorry you are having to go through this added stress. Fingers crossed for you.

Ann - firstly - hope you have a terrific time while MiL in respite. From what you say --
1] Ice cream? Do they read case notes?
2] I think when it comes to pressing buttons - you maybe are seeing some sort of reservation she foolishly had about you but that she suppressed because she recognised that you were a great person. (With that generation, men being older than women in a marriage seems to have been oddly important and they were all great sticklers for doing as everyone else did - their loss, frankly). So it's her conditioning and her problem, and not yours. You belong to a generation that threw those strictures onto the rubbish heap - and good for us! So you're six years older than OH - so what? Bet you look a million dollars and - as all of us on here know - he's lucky to have such an amazing, talented, interesting, kind wife.
3] Is she 'on the ball' enough to respond to a simple, measured statement: if you keep being this nasty to me I will not continue caring for you and you will have to go to a care home? I tend to think that's the truth of the situation. You can't live like this mentally and emotionally - year after year, daily drip fed: it wears you down because it is emotional abuse. Dementia may be the cause of it but that doesn't stop it being emotional abuse or make it any easier to deal with.
4] This is left field and please don't feel I'm expecting a public answer. Do you have the space at your house to build a self-contained annexe where she could live with carers coming in. It would be an apt use of her money and at the end of her life you could use the annex for your studio/office. As I say, no need to answer that one at all but wanted to lob the suggestion into the mix with the best of intentions - like all of us, I am concerned at the deleterious effect she is having on your quality of life. To have new worries about yourself inserted into your mind is destabilising and affects your peace of mind at a fundamental level imo.
*hug*

 

[Grace L]

Have a lovely break the Mac Family.

I hope MiL respite goes well.
I hope you don't have too many missing items this time on her return.
Have you thought about taking a photograph or two (?lay them on the bed) and give them to DC/respite.
Then say you will be doing an inventory on your return when you pick her up.


I hate the Governments cut backs / attack on disability benefits.
I went to 'Appeal stage' with my husband to get his DLA, even though he had support and evidence from several Consultants.
The money it cost to get that far, would have paid him DLA (middle rate) for months ++

A friend of mine has another friend with MS , who was recently re-assessed.
This person is 60-odd, and a wheelchair user as they can no longer walk.
This person is now having to go to Appeal as well.


Hope you all have a good weekend xx

 

[Ann Mac]

And she has gone (Do we have 'dancing with relief' smilies anywhere?).

Thanks Sue and MrsB - I certainly intend to relax and enjoy the next few days Joking is a bit hit and miss with her, MrsB - occasionally she responds, but all too often I get acused of 'Taking the p***' and she can turn on me for it - another area where I tread very carefully

Red - we actually talked about how good it would be if we could build some sort of a self contained annex - but we extended this house with two extra bedrooms, a kitchen and a bigger bathroom several years ago, and wouldn't get planning permission to add more - and what we have added isn't enough to make a 'separate' area, either.

Yep - I've tried the 'If you keep being so nasty its going to be impossible for me to continue caring and the only other option is a home' - and OH has put it in much stronger terms than that. Her response has usually been along the lines of 'Good - be better than staying with you, and I'll run away anyway!'

Thanks Grace - yep - I've actually photographed most of the clothes in her wardrobe, someone suggested it ages ago and I thought it was a brilliant idea

Her departure was not without drama - OH and I have both started to mention her having this 'holiday' over the last 2 or 3 days, but although she generally didn't seem bothered by it, neither did she seem to really take it in. This morning, it suddenly got through to her and we had her going into a right 'Drama Queen' routine, I'm afraid. She went up stairs to get a new lipstick to put in her bag and then stood at the top of the stairs shouting that she was 'too afraid' to come down. OH managed to coax her down, she then locked herself in the downstairs loo for several minutes, wailing about 'What is going to happen to me' and 'Oh God - to think I've come to this!'. I'm not quite hard hearted enough not to feel some sympathy for her, I get that she doesn't remember previous respites and it must feel like a jump into the unknown. I really tried to reassure and be nice, but I did feel a lot of it was put on, I'm afraid. She suddenly couldn't 'walk properly' , grabbing onto things and us as she moved, very sappy little voice and 'I can't put my coat on myself' - that sort of thing. A palava to get her into the car too - I know its a hateful thing to admit, but I was so relieved and happy to see that car pull off the drive and it disappear off up the road.

Right - now on to getting yougest sorted for her last two shows and dropping ehr off, then I can grab a shower and get sorted for me, OH and oldest to head off out for the day

Just want to add that you guys probably have no idea how much your support over the last few weeks has helped - I don't have enough words to say how much its meant - or how much its helped - so I'll have to settle for a simple 'Thank you' xxxxxxx

 

[canary]

I am so glad that you can have a break now Ann
xx

 

[Onlyme]

News flash

Woman in north Wales was seen dancing around her front garden and singing at the top of her voice at 9.00 this morning. Rumours are spreading that she may be suffering from respite.

If seen do not approach as we fear she has seriously lost the plot.

 

[Kjn]

News flash

Woman in north Wales was seen dancing around her front garden and singing at the top of her voice at 9.00 this morning. Rumours are spreading that she may be suffering from respite.

If seen do not approach as we fear she has seriously lost the plot.

Enjoy your respite Anne, my word you deserve it...and a few medals ! Xx k

 

[RedLou]

News flash

Woman in north Wales was seen dancing around her front garden and singing at the top of her voice at 9.00 this morning. Rumours are spreading that she may be suffering from respite.

If seen do not approach as we fear she has seriously lost the plot.