****** siblings who do nothing to help

[MaNaAk]

Yes, you will. You should be proud of yourself, you're bringing comfort to your vulnerable parents whether they are able to acknowledge it or not, they will feel it and feel safe with you.

I'm the only child-free one in my family (a waste of a life according to BIL?), I know what it's like.

Dear @Xhanlbxx,

In my experience I can assure you that you will. My invisibles did hardly any caring but they were interested in their inheritance and I have gained a lot of strength from what I went through. My friends on this wonderful forum helped me all the way through.

MaNaAk

 

[CAL Y]

How awful for you and your late husband. It is almost impossible to understand why people do this but sadly it seems to be common.

You can hold your head up, as can others who have written on this thread. You have shown tremendous resilience and cared for your pwd with love and respect. A shame that others did not show you the same.

I hope that you have been able to move on, find yourself again and begin to enjoy life. It’s what you deserve.

Thank you so much for your kind words.xx

 

[GillP]

But isn't that just making excuses for them? We have those same feelings but we get on with what needs doing. We don't run away.

I'd like to say my brother was a sensitive little thing who simply couldn't cope with the distress of seeing his mother with dementia. But it isn't true. He was mean, lazy, selfish, arrogant, deliberately difficult and unhelpful and he lied a lot. I'd add more but he doesn't deserve the space.

What you say makes absolute sense. I guess it is wrong for me to have made a generalisation. Everyone is different. Those of us who have behaved well and shown resilience, humanity, care and love can hold our heads up.

 

[Rodrod]

Does anyone else have a sibling who does nothing to help and needs to be constantly nagged to even visit?

Yep, I have a sister who will not help with personal care or assist with anything, I don't talk to her about it as I'm the only one who gets emotional about it

 

[Shedrech]

Hello @Rodrod
Welcome to DTP
Sadly, providing care isn't for everyone even siblings react so differently
I hope you do have some support ... there's certainly lots here, so do keep posting

 

[Duggies-girl]

Wouldn’t it be satisfying to get them to gather round at the time and say what you felt and tell them all to shove off. After all if you’re estranged then nothing is lost. In a perfect world everyone would be loving, kind, considerate, have empathy and would give off themselves. But the world is not like that ….I wish it was.

Oh I would love to tell them what I think of them but I guess they probably already know and I don't suppose they care anyway. If I ever got the chance I imagine that I would be absolutely venomous to them which is not really me but forty years of biting my tongue for mum and then dads sake has caught up with me and I have a very long memory but sometimes I think that they should probably be told.

I am not likely to see them again as I was never on their list of useful people and they are not in my will so they have no reason to check on my health.

 

[Dutchman]

I’m currently staying with my daughter for the weekend and have just said goodbye to my son and family who turned up for a few hours.

Not once did he ask after mum, not once.

I was tempted to remind him to ask but I thought of all the uncomfortable silence, the embarrassing mumbling and the shear effort emotionally I would make that I just don’t have time for. My time is better spent. His reluctance is his business and a weakness he’ll need to live with.

I think next time he phones me I’ll tell him she died and see his reaction!

 

[Shedrech]

I'm sure you don't mean that last sentence @Dutchman ... please don't, it will simply cause you both much more hurt
None of us have dealt well with every situation we've found ourselves in ... we're all merely human

 

[Chaplin]

Not sure how to put this without rubbing salt in the wound but……having read all these responses I think we are really lucky in our family. Mum is 87 and now lives in a nursing home with advanced mixed dementia. Dad also 87 still lives at home and although he has some mobility issues is doing reasonably well. Between me, my sister and brother, our parents see each of us three times per week. Most of the care sits with me and my sister but we keep my bother involved and he asks what needs doing. We are very hands on including sharing the responsibility of taking dad to see mum at least once per week each so she has at least three visits plus days out etc.

Oddly enough I have an aunt who rarely visited my Nan when she was alive. My Nan thought the sun shone out of her backside and on the rare occasions she did visit, the red carpet treatment came out for her. Now, that same aunt complains she rarely sees her own children and grandchildren, so I guess you could say what goes around come around!

If either of my siblings didn’t pull their weight or if they thought I didn’t, we would be happy to challenge this. I do empathise with all those who have invisibles in their family but I agree with others that you shouldn’t waste your energy on those people. I have a clear conscience that I do all that I can for mum and dad.

 

[Toopie28]

Oh yes. There's so much "support" but when it boils down... it's all me (you)
My brother refuses to spend a penny to support Mum.
He's just "noticed" yhe dementia and that's because other people called him (I was overreacting apparently).
I also know his wife has something to do with it since she's an evil witch.

I'm hoping he doesn't find out about mum's savings (which she was leaving to us upon her death but I'm now using for her care). If he does find out, he'll want his half and go on his merry way.

So sorry you're going through this - it's just horrid!

 

[Dutchman]

I have made it quite clear through both our wills that it’s equal shares and that’s it. In fact my family are aware that I’m quite at liberty to go for equity release, downsize or sell up and move to Outer Mongolia.

There’s no anticipation of a sizeable inheritance once I’m gone.

Piece of advice…..look at your Will so if you die first the estate doesn’t go to your loved one in care. Otherwise the Council will be able to access that money and class it as self funding. Make sure your estate goes to whoever you want just not the person in care.?

 

[MaNaAk]

Oh yes. There's so much "support" but when it boils down... it's all me (you)
My brother refuses to spend a penny to support Mum.
He's just "noticed" yhe dementia and that's because other people called him (I was overreacting apparently).
I also know his wife has something to do with it since she's an evil witch.

I'm hoping he doesn't find out about mum's savings (which she was leaving to us upon her death but I'm now using for her care). If he does find out, he'll want his half and go on his merry way.

So sorry you're going through this - it's just horrid!

I've been through this as well.

MaNaAk

 

[Shedrech]

My brother refuses to spend a penny to support Mum.


I'm hoping he doesn't find out about mum's savings (which she was leaving to us upon her death but I'm now using for her care). If he does find out, he'll want his half and go on his merry way.

'i want never gets' my mum would say

Any savings your mum has are HERS throughout her life ..... he should understand that an inheritance is only available after the death of the person, so he can't have 'his half' until then, however entitled he feels

 

[Bakerst]

I have made it quite clear through both our wills that it’s equal shares and that’s it. In fact my family are aware that I’m quite at liberty to go for equity release, downsize or sell up and move to Outer Mongolia.

There’s no anticipation of a sizeable inheritance once I’m gone.

Piece of advice…..look at your Will so if you die first the estate doesn’t go to your loved one in care. Otherwise the Council will be able to access that money and class it as self funding. Make sure your estate goes to whoever you want just not the person in care.?

I own our home in my name and was worried if something happened to me that the house would automatically go to OH and even though he promised in the past the house would go to my Daughter, I know he now hasn't the capacity to sort it. I was worried his mostly invisible unhelpful family would then take it over.
( my Daughter and Mum are the only support we get) . I found I couldn't leave the house directly to my Daughter if OH was still alive, so had to put it in trust for her. I'm hoping at least that is sorted. Everything becomes more complicated for a PWD and their family

 

[Duggies-girl]

Oh yes. There's so much "support" but when it boils down... it's all me (you)
My brother refuses to spend a penny to support Mum.
He's just "noticed" yhe dementia and that's because other people called him (I was overreacting apparently).
I also know his wife has something to do with it since she's an evil witch.

I'm hoping he doesn't find out about mum's savings (which she was leaving to us upon her death but I'm now using for her care). If he does find out, he'll want his half and go on his merry way.

So sorry you're going through this - it's just horrid!

I have a similar brother with a greedy wife. He actually told me that half of dad's house was his and that if we spent any extra money it would be 'eating into his half of the inheritance' He was quite blatant about the money that he considered was already his. Poor dad spent hardly anything, he couldn't go out, didn't need anything for the home and lived on scrambled egg because he could only eat soft food.

This was when I was living with dad 24/7 because he was unable to find his kitchen anymore let alone boil a kettle.

Brother got his half and went on his merry way.

 

[Maria37]

It seems the more my mum deteriorates and need her family more, the less they are there.
When mum was first diagnosed dementia/alzheimer's I understood that much would fall on me being the only girl amongst a handful of brothers. Even though just 1 brother and I cared for my housebound disabled dad for over twenty years before he passed.
When mums diagnosis came, never did I expect all the 'other stuff ' to xomw with it though. From major disputes with her partner, to being expected to sort absolutely everything!
Yesterday one brother popped in, made himself a coffee and went to join mum sat in sun in back garden for half hour. As he left I was still brushing the front garden, sweat dripping down my back he recommended I could do with a stiffer brush.
I know these last few weeks things have taken there toll on me, from family disputes, to clearing out, making safe and organising an entire makeover of mums house, never ending phone calls and mountains of other new responsibilities. The one thing I've learned is that , presently caring for mum is not a problem, it's every other aspect of being overwhelmed daily by new problems to solve that family could actually help with.
My son has been an absolute godsend, he graduated this week and will be starting work soon where he will be home weekends only, he idolises mum and has worked day in day out for over a month in mums, once he's out of reach I expect I'll feel more overwhelmed as my brothers think I'm superwoman.

 

[Dutchman]

I’m inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to emotions around the PWD. But when it comes to only thinking of the eventual inheritance and not lifting a finger to help then it’s not worth spending another moment of our precious lives worrying over it.

Eventually their time will come when they need someone and their selfishness will find them out.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Maria37

My siblings were very loathe to help out with my dad so I told them I would be finding dad a gardener, cleaner etc and dad would be paying them. I had hoped it would make my siblings offer a little more help - it didn’t, but at least I had less to do.

Perhaps you could consider getting some paid help for your mum. Ask for an assessment from SS to see what help she would be entitled to.

 

[Dutchman]

I think that we can spend a long time trying to work out why relatives do or don’t do.

In the end it’s pure selfishness and a lack of empathy that ( perhaps) they grow up with or is driven by the type of society we live within.

Yes it gets to me when I think of our sons lack of involvement, even just asking after his mum would be nice, I’d accept that. But I’m never going to change him. At the beginning of all this, 3 years ago, he said “ I’m not like my sister and I’ll be glad when it’s all over”. I struggle with those words even now but I feel when Bridget isn’t around anymore he’ll think differently.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi @Maria37

My siblings were very loathe to help out with my dad so I told them I would be finding dad a gardener, cleaner etc and dad would be paying them. I had hoped it would make my siblings offer a little more help - it didn’t, but at least I had less to do.

Perhaps you could consider getting some paid help for your mum. Ask for an assessment from SS to see what help she would be entitled to.

Yes I did that as well and they sort of ended up caring in a way as it allowed me to go to the top of the road to get essentials and pay them (on dad's behalf). The invisibles never asked how the garden maintained itself!

MaNaAk