I really feel for you. I have no idea how hard this must be for you. To lose, but not lose, your wife is heartbreaking.I’m very upset as she’s now denying that she had a husband and she loves me as a friend only. No matter how many photos I show she doesn’t accept that I’m the man she married, he’s someone else. Where he is is anyone’s guess! I hoping her daughter can talk to her and spark some memory but I suspect not. So what do l do now? Just together as friends, is that the best I can hope form? Is this the next stage downwards? How long is it to even worse circumstances?
What I came to realise this morning (it’s 5.00am and I’m wide awake) is that what I’m missing the most at the the moment is her love. It’s always been there and it’s slipping away. It’s almost like her falling out of love with me for another person and I’ve been there before with my first wife who met someone else and we divorced 30 years ago. To be loved is the most precious thing and it’s easy to take for granted until it goes. I feel a loneliness that I thought I’d never feel again. I’m sure many if not all of us forum posters have felt the same. My devoted cat is snuggling up to me while I write. My one constant at home.TP also saved my sanity - I did not find it until my husband Henry was 10 years into dementia (vascular) and those years just the two of us at home. Then his last 5 years in a care home It has been helping me ever since through the long decline, death June 2 years ago and my grief as well as my own health problems since.
Canary I can so relate to what you say with Henry it was also personality and behaviour so changed from early on with dementia, the verbal aggression was indescribable. The fighting you all the way it is a no-win situation.
I found it difficult to tell myself it is the illness the disease that it is not him dementia, when it was him opposite me at home beside me in the car he was ravine ranting insulting and everythjng was my fault. the insults were very personal - this was my previously kind and very caring man ( kind by nature and in general as well as personally and there were times I did feel he was aware how nasty he was being. He once very quietly said "I give you a hard time don't I and I replied " yes you do".
Yet he could revert back to how nice he once was - his true self - in from of others. Off and one,
I miss what you miss the reassurance the comforting words - everything
I think we can all relate to every post on this thread. The loneliness, isolation frustration anger, resentment and more
I miss the warm hug which said so much
Thoughts and love,
Loo xxx
My heart goes out to all of you somehow you do find the strength the ability to carry on. Don't think too much about the future it is enough just getting through each day.
It’s almost like her falling out of love with me
My OH knows who I am, but no longer shows any love. A while ago he told me that I was emotionally cold and distant, although to me it is the other way around. I feel like a housekeeper, lodger, nurse, cook and cleaner, but no longer a wife. I have had to step back emotionally and treat him as though I am a professional carer and he is a client. It helps, but it is still hard.What I came to realise this morning (it’s 5.00am and I’m wide awake) is that what I’m missing the most at the the moment is her love. It’s always been there and it’s slipping away. It’s almost like her falling out of love with me for another person and I’ve been there before with my first wife who met someone else and we divorced 30 years ago. To be loved is the most precious thing and it’s easy to take for granted until it goes. I feel a loneliness that I thought I’d never feel again. I’m sure many if not all of us forum posters have felt the same. My devoted cat is snuggling up to me while I write. My one constant at home.
I was woken by my husband one night who thought I was his sister - he was adamant that I should get up - it was a bit scarey. I mentioned it to the doctor and he did a shuffle with his tablets as one he was taking causes very realistic dreams !! He hasn’t done that since - maybe check the drugs side effects.?I make a joke about the sleeping with a stranger @Dutchman.
I have been used to my wife mistaking my identity for a parent or friend for a couple of years. However my first actual “Who are you?”, moment came last summer when my wife shook me awake between 2-3am to ask me who I was and refused to settle until I had sat up and introduced myself with the formality of a handshake! I don’t know what sort of night she felt she had been having to have woken up beside a stranger. That tale always gets a bit of a laugh when I tell it - better that than crying is what I say.
All that explains why I said I feel what you feel. I’ve been there, done that and, maybe I should get a T-shirt with print that reads “Hello, I’m Pete, I’m your husband” on it
Yes, I agree, meds reviews can be important. Thank you for your reply.I was woken by my husband one night who thought I was his sister - he was adamant that I should get up - it was a bit scarey. I mentioned it to the doctor and he did a shuffle with his tablets as one he was taking causes very realistic dreams !! He hasn’t done that since - maybe check the drugs side effects.?
Also when my husband thinks I’m not me - ( happily has not happened lately - ) I can usually pass over that - make a joke - put a smile on face and totally change the subject - all the very best MJ x
That's good to hear, we are here for each other.As someone who is new to this path
"OH diagnosed in Nov with FTD "
I find great comfort in reading all posts here on TP .
When i read your posts I find ways to cope with things .that we are going through.
Thanks
It is all so bittersweet isn’t it.What I came to realise this morning (it’s 5.00am and I’m wide awake) is that what I’m missing the most at the the moment is her love. It’s always been there and it’s slipping away. It’s almost like her falling out of love with me for another person and I’ve been there before with my first wife who met someone else and we divorced 30 years ago. To be loved is the most precious thing and it’s easy to take for granted until it goes. I feel a loneliness that I thought I’d never feel again. I’m sure many if not all of us forum posters have felt the same. My devoted cat is snuggling up to me while I write. My one constant at home.
B, it's me, Kindred, back on line for a little while. This post of yours is so telling that your husband is within reach of his old self. I used to feel my husband's old self had gone, to be replaced by Mr Angry all the time, day and night. Then he had the accident that landed him in A and E and eventually in his current nursing home. But the strange thing is that when I visited him in hospital for the first time, his old self, although demented, was back and his first words to me were; how have you been so wonderfully kind to me all these years.It is all so bittersweet isn’t it.
I love my husband as much as ever, although so much has changed, but I question how much he cares for me by the way he treats me. I feel that I’m just a convenience who cooks, cleans, cares, showers him, and changes his Incontinence pads.
No longer do I get kind words from him, he is thoughtless, selfish and uncaring, but he hadn’t used to be, I just don’t know where that side of him has gone. But I would give anything to get him back.
I want to believe that he loves me, but it’s difficult at times.
My husband has moments when he is within reach of his old self. But then, in a split second, he loses his temper, gets verbally aggressive. His face changes and I hardly recognise him. It always shocks me. But I dread being out with him. If we are in the street, supermarket, cafe, whatever, if something doesn’t suit him he shouts out loud, is abusive and constantly swears. I hate it. I know people stare at me seeing him being so nasty, then they look at me and feel sorry for me.
I’m glad you have your little cat to cuddle. We go to meet our new deaf cat on Saturday. I can’t wait to meet her. I’m desperate to have her and I hope she loves me as much as your devoted cat does.
Take care @Dutchman
Thinking of you, B xx
I feel this too, that my bad feelings affect him and make him behave in a certain way, not aggressive in his case but definitely a sadness at my frustration. I too wonder if separation for a while might restore something lost.Unless he was reflecting my own anger and tension
Thanks for the reply. We came back from our daughter and half way back my wife is questioning if I’m her husband. Yesterday was terrible as she only saw me as a friend, wouldn’t let me touch anything in the house as it belonged to her husband, had a moment of clarity when I was her husband and now today is back to searching the house for her husband shouting at me to get out of the way. The doctor arranges to visit but she walks off around the streets looking for people. Fortunately he revisits and we eventually get some tests done with no positive outcome. He talks to me privately.It is all so bittersweet isn’t it.
I love my husband as much as ever, although so much has changed, but I question how much he cares for me by the way he treats me. I feel that I’m just a convenience who cooks, cleans, cares, showers him, and changes his Incontinence pads.
No longer do I get kind words from him, he is thoughtless, selfish and uncaring, but he hadn’t used to be, I just don’t know where that side of him has gone. But I would give anything to get him back.
I want to believe that he loves me, but it’s difficult at times.
My husband has moments when he is within reach of his old self. But then, in a split second, he loses his temper, gets verbally aggressive. His face changes and I hardly recognise him. It always shocks me. But I dread being out with him. If we are in the street, supermarket, cafe, whatever, if something doesn’t suit him he shouts out loud, is abusive and constantly swears. I hate it. I know people stare at me seeing him being so nasty, then they look at me and feel sorry for me.
I’m glad you have your little cat to cuddle. We go to meet our new deaf cat on Saturday. I can’t wait to meet her. I’m desperate to have her and I hope she loves me as much as your devoted cat does.
Take care @Dutchman
Thinking of you, B xx
B, it's me, Kindred, back on line for a little while. This post of yours is so telling that your husband is within reach of his old self. I used to feel my husband's old self had gone, to be replaced by Mr Angry all the time, day and night. Then he had the accident that landed him in A and E and eventually in his current nursing home. But the strange thing is that when I visited him in hospital for the first time, his old self, although demented, was back and his first words to me were; how have you been so wonderfully kind to me all these years.
And he continued in this way until now, when he can no longer really communicate meaningfully but gives me such loving looks. I cannot account for this. Unless he was reflecting my own anger and tension when we were still together, or the accident somehow jerked the brain. It is a strange thing to happen when I too, thought that side had gone forever.
I am longing to share your lilttle pusscat adventures with you!
with love and best, Geraldinexxxx
Thank you Alice... I always welcome your wise, pertinent, sensitive words.Perhaps we confuse what love is, I do think your husband still has the love he had for you but just the condition does not allow him the ability to show it.
I had a very bad year with my father, just before he died he changed he said I gave you a very hard time. I just said I love you, Dad. It was such a poignant moment.
I really feel that people give the person they share a great love with a harder time because they know subconsciously that they can, as this is the person who loves them and will stick by them. Few people would.
This clarity near the end happens so often. I heard yesterday about a man who had not communicated for several years suddenly express his feelings as he approached the end of his life.
It is impossible to see or understand what goes on deeply in another.