Who has stolen my husband?
- Thread starter Sad Staffs
- Start date
I really feel for you. I have no idea how hard this must be for you. To lose, but not lose, your wife is heartbreaking.
What you are now experiencing is something I really dread. My husband still knows me and family. He struggles so much in many other ways. And he is very frail in every aspect.
I’m sorry I can’t offer advice, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.
Take care, love B x
What I came to realise this morning (it’s 5.00am and I’m wide awake) is that what I’m missing the most at the the moment is her love. It’s always been there and it’s slipping away. It’s almost like her falling out of love with me for another person and I’ve been there before with my first wife who met someone else and we divorced 30 years ago. To be loved is the most precious thing and it’s easy to take for granted until it goes. I feel a loneliness that I thought I’d never feel again. I’m sure many if not all of us forum posters have felt the same. My devoted cat is snuggling up to me while I write. My one constant at home.
It is a difficult transition from being fully loved by someone, to sharing love with someone and then giving love and compassion to someone without expecting it to be returned. Not many achieve the last bit at least not without a lot of pain and unexpected twists of emotion.
It is more like redirecting that love once shared and reciprocated into a one way beam.
This is good for the person loved, dealing with the void of loneliness is something else.
We almost have to disconnect the two parts, so we can keep fully loving.
I find it helps to remember the deep love we have enjoyed, the fun and the laughter, I think trying to envisage a new meanifulness into what we do, as if it was preagreed, many will understand this as the wedding vow of sickness and health.
Easy to say when young and fit, not so easy in reality.
I think, although it can be a slow process, we have to appreciate ourselves for what we are, what we have achieved, we have to trust help will come from unexpected places. We have to learn not too judge ourself harshly for our failings. 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again'.
30 years ago when you divorced you were different from what you are now. Yes, it must bring back the memories of that pain. Your first wife did not need you, this one does whatever it seems like in the day to day. life. Hold on to that, and the cat of course, animals can give unconditional love.
Words are easy, when my husband was ill last time and I thought I would lose him, I howled under a pillow so no one could hear. As you say love is the most precious thing.
It is more like redirecting that love once shared and reciprocated into a one way beam.
This is good for the person loved, dealing with the void of loneliness is something else.
We almost have to disconnect the two parts, so we can keep fully loving.
I find it helps to remember the deep love we have enjoyed, the fun and the laughter, I think trying to envisage a new meanifulness into what we do, as if it was preagreed, many will understand this as the wedding vow of sickness and health.
Easy to say when young and fit, not so easy in reality.
I think, although it can be a slow process, we have to appreciate ourselves for what we are, what we have achieved, we have to trust help will come from unexpected places. We have to learn not too judge ourself harshly for our failings. 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start all over again'.
30 years ago when you divorced you were different from what you are now. Yes, it must bring back the memories of that pain. Your first wife did not need you, this one does whatever it seems like in the day to day. life. Hold on to that, and the cat of course, animals can give unconditional love.
Words are easy, when my husband was ill last time and I thought I would lose him, I howled under a pillow so no one could hear. As you say love is the most precious thing.
I remember the most difficult times of our dementia was when my husband didn`t know me and went looking for his real wife.
All the challenges, the behaviours, the sleepless nights, the difficulties, were bearable while he knew who he was with. I saw it as part of the essence of caring for a spouse through illness.
When he didn`t know who I was it was like being with a stranger, however much I understood the rationale of the illness, and it hurt.
Rational thinking doesn't come into it when it hurts does it? Knowledge can fly out the window, the blank stare can kill.
My tactic at the moment is to try and build my self up in the quiet times ready for the rough.
When the children were small I used to rest when they did, I kept to simple choices or no choice at all, I distracted, of course as they grew I expanded choice to encourage judgment.
Now I am in reverse narrowing down as I see decline, it is not a steady decline it depends on day, mood and things I cannot imagine. I am falling back on old skills but not in a parental way. I avoid confrontation in any form. I agree with a but ..........or just agree if I can.
Physically it is exhausting, sometimes it is like having several balls in the air and choosing which will do less damage if I miss them.
Sometimes there is a real spark, these week we will have been together for 63 years, he smiled when I told him.
I could have cried, later I did.
Where else could I say this? Xxx
My tactic at the moment is to try and build my self up in the quiet times ready for the rough.
When the children were small I used to rest when they did, I kept to simple choices or no choice at all, I distracted, of course as they grew I expanded choice to encourage judgment.
Now I am in reverse narrowing down as I see decline, it is not a steady decline it depends on day, mood and things I cannot imagine. I am falling back on old skills but not in a parental way. I avoid confrontation in any form. I agree with a but ..........or just agree if I can.
Physically it is exhausting, sometimes it is like having several balls in the air and choosing which will do less damage if I miss them.
Sometimes there is a real spark, these week we will have been together for 63 years, he smiled when I told him.
I could have cried, later I did.
Where else could I say this? Xxx
My OH knows who I am, but no longer shows any love. A while ago he told me that I was emotionally cold and distant, although to me it is the other way around. I feel like a housekeeper, lodger, nurse, cook and cleaner, but no longer a wife. I have had to step back emotionally and treat him as though I am a professional carer and he is a client. It helps, but it is still hard.
This Easter weekend the family came with their dogs. One always makes a fuss of me and is the most lovely dog, so I make a big fuss of him which he loves. My husband commented to my daughter that he doesn’t get as much cuddling as the dog. Say no more...
I was woken by my husband one night who thought I was his sister - he was adamant that I should get up - it was a bit scarey. I mentioned it to the doctor and he did a shuffle with his tablets as one he was taking causes very realistic dreams !! He hasn’t done that since - maybe check the drugs side effects.?I make a joke about the sleeping with a stranger @Dutchman.
I have been used to my wife mistaking my identity for a parent or friend for a couple of years. However my first actual “Who are you?”, moment came last summer when my wife shook me awake between 2-3am to ask me who I was and refused to settle until I had sat up and introduced myself with the formality of a handshake! I don’t know what sort of night she felt she had been having to have woken up beside a stranger.That tale always gets a bit of a laugh when I tell it - better that than crying is what I say.
All that explains why I said I feel what you feel. I’ve been there, done that and, maybe I should get a T-shirt with print that reads “Hello, I’m Pete, I’m your husband” on it
Also when my husband thinks I’m not me - ( happily has not happened lately - ) I can usually pass over that - make a joke - put a smile on face and totally change the subject - all the very best MJ x
Yes, I agree, meds reviews can be important. Thank you for your reply.
It was not so much a side effect, but a worsening of the dementia with my wife. The escalation in the incidents happened when my wife was taken off Memantine for a while as it was thought to be causing an unpleasant side effect and the floodgates opened within a few days. The so called ‘side effect’ continued so she was given Memantine again and she has known me since. I’m back to the usual things like thinking there are other people in our apartment or mistaking me for her dad a couple of times.
It’s a fine line with the meds insofar as judging when the benefits outweigh the risks. In our case the benefits of the med for my wife were clearly shown as I had a crazy few weeks when she wasn’t taking it. At times it can all be very tough.
It is all so bittersweet isn’t it.
I love my husband as much as ever, although so much has changed, but I question how much he cares for me by the way he treats me. I feel that I’m just a convenience who cooks, cleans, cares, showers him, and changes his Incontinence pads.
No longer do I get kind words from him, he is thoughtless, selfish and uncaring, but he hadn’t used to be, I just don’t know where that side of him has gone. But I would give anything to get him back.
I want to believe that he loves me, but it’s difficult at times.
My husband has moments when he is within reach of his old self. But then, in a split second, he loses his temper, gets verbally aggressive. His face changes and I hardly recognise him. It always shocks me. But I dread being out with him. If we are in the street, supermarket, cafe, whatever, if something doesn’t suit him he shouts out loud, is abusive and constantly swears. I hate it. I know people stare at me seeing him being so nasty, then they look at me and feel sorry for me.
I’m glad you have your little cat to cuddle. We go to meet our new deaf cat on Saturday. I can’t wait to meet her. I’m desperate to have her and I hope she loves me as much as your devoted cat does.
Take care @Dutchman
Thinking of you, B xx
Perhaps we confuse what love is, I do think your husband still has the love he had for you but just the condition does not allow him the ability to show it.
I had a very bad year with my father, just before he died he changed he said I gave you a very hard time. I just said I love you, Dad. It was such a poignant moment.
I really feel that people give the person they share a great love with a harder time because they know subconsciously that they can, as this is the person who loves them and will stick by them. Few people would.
This clarity near the end happens so often. I heard yesterday about a man who had not communicated for several years suddenly express his feelings as he approached the end of his life.
It is impossible to see or understand what goes on deeply in another.
I had a very bad year with my father, just before he died he changed he said I gave you a very hard time. I just said I love you, Dad. It was such a poignant moment.
I really feel that people give the person they share a great love with a harder time because they know subconsciously that they can, as this is the person who loves them and will stick by them. Few people would.
This clarity near the end happens so often. I heard yesterday about a man who had not communicated for several years suddenly express his feelings as he approached the end of his life.
It is impossible to see or understand what goes on deeply in another.
B, it's me, Kindred, back on line for a little while. This post of yours is so telling that your husband is within reach of his old self. I used to feel my husband's old self had gone, to be replaced by Mr Angry all the time, day and night. Then he had the accident that landed him in A and E and eventually in his current nursing home. But the strange thing is that when I visited him in hospital for the first time, his old self, although demented, was back and his first words to me were; how have you been so wonderfully kind to me all these years.
And he continued in this way until now, when he can no longer really communicate meaningfully but gives me such loving looks. I cannot account for this. Unless he was reflecting my own anger and tension when we were still together, or the accident somehow jerked the brain. It is a strange thing to happen when I too, thought that side had gone forever.
I am longing to share your lilttle pusscat adventures with you!
with love and best, Geraldinexxxx
I feel this too, that my bad feelings affect him and make him behave in a certain way, not aggressive in his case but definitely a sadness at my frustration. I too wonder if separation for a while might restore something lost.
Thanks for the reply. We came back from our daughter and half way back my wife is questioning if I’m her husband. Yesterday was terrible as she only saw me as a friend, wouldn’t let me touch anything in the house as it belonged to her husband, had a moment of clarity when I was her husband and now today is back to searching the house for her husband shouting at me to get out of the way. The doctor arranges to visit but she walks off around the streets looking for people. Fortunately he revisits and we eventually get some tests done with no positive outcome. He talks to me privately.
He’s prescribed antibiotics just in case of an infection but I’m not sure how I’m going to get her to take them as that’s an extra pill, one she’s not used to. Any ideas?
Thank you Alice... I always welcome your wise, pertinent, sensitive words.
My cousin who is very close to us gets angry at the way my husband looks for ways to criticise me or find fault all the time. I am so used to it that I very often don’t notice, it just washes over me. Last Sunday when the three of us were together he was mostly hosting so well. He was explaining about his far flung family. He stumbled over details, but he got there. But it was mostly pulled from some years ago, when it comes to the past few years he leaves that alone. I guess this is normal with dementia.
He is worrying about the little cat we are getting. Last night he couldn’t sleep in case she ran out the front door when a visitor arrives. I’m just pleased he has come to terms with us getting her.
It’s always lovely to talk to you, Alice. I do hope you are ok? I have been out of touch for a while. Building work finished now, decorating starts next week! Such fun!! Take care, with love, B xx
