its been a long road with this Alzheimer's for my Mum, 13 years. She's been in a care home for 3 and for most of that time very happy in the diseases blissful ignorance as every last part of dignity is stripped away from this once beautiful confident lady. Nevertheless the last month saw her refusing to eat and she is now only in bed, crying out for her mother and sometimes for me. The doctor has prescribed end of life medicine but she isn't being given it yet. We cannot know how long she has so our lives are on hold in this twilight world of waiting yet still trying to carry on our normal lives with work every day amongst people oblivious to the pain we shove down deep so as not to let it show.
The ch asked me to pick out an outfit for her final journey yesterday, so whilst she lay in her bed in her own restless world I tried to imagine what she would have wanted to wear in the cold restraints of a coffin. I still couldn't cry and chatted to her with a happy voice despite the lack of response. It was hard to choose as her poor body has withered away so much I don't know what will fit, but settled on a lovely outfit never worn in the home as it wouldn't have been appropriate there. Who could have imagined its purpose when I rescued it from The family home several years ago?
After 2 hours I told Mum I was going and kissed her, at that moment she called out "I love you, I love you" in a strong clear voice. Then I did cry.
This disease is so very cruel, yet we are always surprised when the person we love so much breaks through despite everything and for that I will always be grateful.
I don't think I have long to wait now, my husband said it's a bit like when he was at work waiting for the call from me to say the baby was coming. I suppose it is in someways but the end rather than the beginning.