Crisis Point after 9 days in a care home

[Elle3]

Well done Elle...I am glad you had a positive meeting and you sound a lot more hopeful....part of anyone's battle for their loved one in difficult circumstances is getting the SW and care home to have the determined will to try to make a difference...your dad if he knew how hard you are trying would be so very proud of you. I felt I fought dad's corner on all important issues and the peace of mind that gives you after end of life is immeasurable. Fingers crossed for your dad and you as the days pass.

Thank you love.dad.but. Sometimes you think you just want to give up and walk away, but I could never do that to my dad. I want what is best for him, even though he does not realise it.

I told the home, I managed to get him to stop travelling on the trains every day, by constantly repeating the same message, telling him white lies, like the station is closed, no trains today, whatever it took to get the auto pilot he was on to switch off. I said I managed to do this in about a month and I did this only by telephone or when I visited. So they are at an advantage as they are with him 24/7 now, so as long as they all say the same thing and use the same strategies, it's not impossible to change his way of thinking and get him to accept where he is and stop wanting to escape. I really am hoping they can.

Elle x

 

[Elle3]

Well done Elle!!! That sounds very positive.It is really great that you are getting an urgent Mental Health Assessment and have your Social Worker on your side and are trying out different strategies.Thanks for updating us.. I for one have been thinking about you all day.

My advice re thinking and acting assertively came because when we were in the same situation as yourself, someone with experience of all this took us aside and fired us up similarly...and it worked. I feel glad that I am now giving something back by passing that on to someone else in this awful battle.

Take care and good luck... and keep in contact. xx

Thank you Scriv you certainly did, you have been most helpful. I can't tell you how pleased and relieved I am that we've been lucky enough to have a good Social worker supporting us, who really seems to care and she is certainly fighting hard for my dad and supporting me.

Elle x

 

[Elle3]

I was in a very similar position to you, my mum had been in a care home for 1 week when she was asked to leave - they had assured me that they could cope with dementia and all the related problems but she pulled other residents from their beds at night - we think because she no longer distinguished between night and day and wanted them to get up and be with her, unfortunately she injured another resident and the manager felt they didn't have the staff to cope.
This was over the Christmas period and getting hold of a social worker was tricky but we managed to find one and she was really good, mum had lost capacity so our power of attorney came into use and we refused to let mum go back home. The social worker said the home had to let her stay until a suitable place was found but like you we were charged £15 per hour from 10pm to 7am to ensure mum didn't hurt any other residents. A doctor from the mental health team came and prescribed risperidone which seemed to calm mum a bit, eventually she did settle at night. She stayed another 3 months before we found a home that agreed to take mum but we did and she is settled now and if not happy not unhappy if that makes sense.
It sounds like you have a good social worker - stick to your guns and good luck !

Thank you lilaclady, it's good to hear that I am not alone, but sad too that this is happening to so many dementia patients and their families. I am just thankful the Social worker is a good one as I don't think I could do this on my own.

It is good to hear that you did find a home for your mum and that she is now settled, (I know what you mean) although it must have been very stressful for you at the time.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you, I think that is what I'm going to do. I was going to visit dad today, but I decided it is probably best to stay away until I know for certain what is going to happen.

I agree with Jess they can't just turf him out after all he has dementia and they said they take dementia sufferers! Hang in there Elle!

MaNaAk

 

[Jewel14]

Hi Ellie

My Mum has the fake money and it is working a treat. She was very upset about having no money and thought my Dad had squandered their savings. I hope it works for your Dad too.

 

[Elle3]

I'm feeling very sad and tearful today and I am almost at the stage of regretting placing dad in a care home. I know, I know, he wasn't safe to be at home, but at the end of the day he was happy in his own little world and we were kind of coping. I now feel like my dad is being taken away from me, I so wish I could turn back the clock.

Today I've had an email from the Social worker to advise that The later life and memory service have visited and prescribed dad a medication called Trazodone. This is to be administered alongside the lorazepam. So dad has gone from being drug free to now requiring two drugs one to make him sleep and one for depression and he's now started being incontinent at night, which had never happened before.

An agency nurse has been appointed from 2pm-10pm each day to give him 121 care, which we are funding and the Care Home are saying they are desperate to get him removed and have expressed concern about the potential risk to my Dad's safety and the significant risk to the safety of others especially during the night when the agency nurse has gone. (their words).

The current care home have agreed to a one week extension to the respite to allow me time to find an EMI nursing home which has a vacancy and will take dad, problem is I'm now feeling ill and the last thing I want to do is pass anything on into the homes. There is also not an awful lot of choice in our area, either close to me or within my dad's LA. I have viewed two already one has a vacancy but I hated it and the other doesn't have a vacancy but I still had concerns. I have one more home to view near me, then I will have to start spreading the net wider.

I hate this, I hate it so much.

 

[70smand]

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this Elle. My dad has been started on Trazodone recently although he is further along than yours but I understand your anxiety, especially over medication. I have seen on here someone (sorry I forget who) had success with trazadone calming their relative down, and sort of wish it had been tried before antipsychotic meds, which dad has just come off and the Trazodone is replacing. Not sure if it is making him sleepy or it’s just how he is now. My dad used to get very restless and aggressive but is nothing like that now. The care home say he is aggressive and resistant to personal care but I think he is just scared and doesn’t like being pulled about or hoisted as he soon calms down and it definitely depends on the carer who is handling him.
Lorazepam did help in the short term but hopefully the trazadone might calm your dad enough for him to settle in the home. Sending you a hug x

 

[Baby Bunty]

Elle3..i been following you thread..i am so so sorry you and your lovely dad is going through this journey!..and to top it all off you have now the extra pressure of sorting another home out!!..you must be in a aweful state..its very emotional and i totally feel for you!!..thinking off you..sending big hugs.x

 

[Kevinl]

If you put down vaguely the area you're looking then possibly someone could private message somewhere they may know of in that area that might be able to handle his behaviour.
To be honest it doesn't sound that bad to me, there's many plenty worse in care with my wife.
The staff seem past caring when someone hits, scratches or bites them and all night wandering is pretty common, I regularly hear the staff saying one or other of the residents hasn't slept for 72 hours or even been to bed in that time.
I gave my wife Trazodone but only as needed, when I could see she was starting to get into a mood which usually meant she'd start to get aggressive I'd give her some in a drink (it was the liquid form). It did slow her down but it also made her quite unsteady and it was about that time that the incontinence started too so I used it as little as possible.
K

 

[Jessbow]

((Big Hug)) Its so Bloody hard

 

[maryjoan]

Hang on in there, let the SW sort it out, Dont whatever you do agree to have him home.

The current home cant just turf him out until SW has found a solution, so just refer the home to him/her and keep your head down!!

I agree! If the home were supposed to be able to cope with dementia patients, and this kind of trying to get out is common - as its seems to be - they SHOULD be providing proper care and safeguarding for him - it's not your fault they cannot provide 1 -2-1 . And he has only been there less than 2 weeks - oh, keep your head down indeed.

 

[Elle3]

If you put down vaguely the area you're looking then possibly someone could private message somewhere they may know of in that area that might be able to handle his behaviour.
To be honest it doesn't sound that bad to me, there's many plenty worse in care with my wife.
The staff seem past caring when someone hits, scratches or bites them and all night wandering is pretty common, I regularly hear the staff saying one or other of the residents hasn't slept for 72 hours or even been to bed in that time.
I gave my wife Trazodone but only as needed, when I could see she was starting to get into a mood which usually meant she'd start to get aggressive I'd give her some in a drink (it was the liquid form). It did slow her down but it also made her quite unsteady and it was about that time that the incontinence started too so I used it as little as possible.
K

Thank you Kevinl, that's my problem too, before dad went into the home, he was the nicest, happiest person you could know, everyone would say so. The only time he would show any aggression would be at his own reflection as he didn't recognise the old man staring back at him and he thought it was the man from next door spying on him. Now he appears to be like a caged animal, getting aggressive, distressed, agitated and constantly trying to escape the home so needs to be drugged. This just wasn't my dad before.

This is why I am beginning to regret agreeing for him to go into a home.

We are looking in the WA5 Cheshire and WA12 Merseyside postcode areas, I hope that isn't too much information, I will delete if it is.

 

[Amy in the US]

Elle, I'm so sorry. This must be so upsetting and stressful for you. Please remember that you haven't done anything wrong and you haven't done anything to your dad, it's the dementia at fault here, not you.

As you say he was NOT safe at home and we sadly do often have to make difficult choices and so often it's what is needed, not wanted, by anyone.

I do hope you can find the right placement. Sending concern and (((hugs))) your way.

 

[Elle3]

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this Elle. My dad has been started on Trazodone recently although he is further along than yours but I understand your anxiety, especially over medication. I have seen on here someone (sorry I forget who) had success with trazadone calming their relative down, and sort of wish it had been tried before antipsychotic meds, which dad has just come off and the Trazodone is replacing. Not sure if it is making him sleepy or it’s just how he is now. My dad used to get very restless and aggressive but is nothing like that now. The care home say he is aggressive and resistant to personal care but I think he is just scared and doesn’t like being pulled about or hoisted as he soon calms down and it definitely depends on the carer who is handling him.
Lorazepam did help in the short term but hopefully the trazadone might calm your dad enough for him to settle in the home. Sending you a hug x

Thank you 70smand. I just feel very sad that it seems to have come to this so quickly without really giving him a chance to accept and calm down himself, but I suppose if they feel he is a risk to himself and others then they need to take action. But I can't say I like it or I am happy about it, it's just now filling me with so much guilt.

I took care of dad's personal care before he went into the home and I found the best way to deal with him was like you would a child, don't ask, do they want a wash or change of clothes, I just got everything ready and told him we were going to do it and he would always readily accept it and he would happily assist me, I did the top half, he took care of the bottom half, so he was capable of assisting, it's just some historical arthritis that would cause him a few issues in his arms that you had to be wary off.

It's too late for the home he is in now, they are quite adamant they want him out asap. So I'm now under pressure to find somewhere else that are willing to take him.

 

[Elle3]

((Big Hug)) Its so Bloody hard

Thank you, I really need it today.

 

[Kevinl]

There are several on the link below in that area that advertise they take people with challenging behaviour.
K
https://www.carehome.co.uk/care_sea.../searchchtype/challenging-behaviour-psychosis

 

[Elle3]

Elle3..i been following you thread..i am so so sorry you and your lovely dad is going through this journey!..and to top it all off you have now the extra pressure of sorting another home out!!..you must be in a aweful state..its very emotional and i totally feel for you!!..thinking off you..sending big hugs.x

Thank you Baby Bunty, I can't say I'm coping too well today, it's all really getting to me, as I feel like it's all my fault and I know it's not but I just feel like I'm now letting my dad down.

 

[Elle3]

There are several on the link below in that area that advertise they take people with challenging behaviour.
K
https://www.carehome.co.uk/care_sea.../searchchtype/challenging-behaviour-psychosis

Elle, I'm so sorry. This must be so upsetting and stressful for you. Please remember that you haven't done anything wrong and you haven't done anything to your dad, it's the dementia at fault here, not you.

As you say he was NOT safe at home and we sadly do often have to make difficult choices and so often it's what is needed, not wanted, by anyone.

I do hope you can find the right placement. Sending concern and (((hugs))) your way.

Thank Amy, I suppose I just feel let down by the Care Home he is currently in and they seem to be making out that my dad is some sort of monster who they are now drugging to keep calm and they want him out asap.

 

[Elle3]

There are several on the link below in that area that advertise they take people with challenging behaviour.
K
https://www.carehome.co.uk/care_sea.../searchchtype/challenging-behaviour-psychosis

Thank you Kevinl. I have already been in touch with a few of those with varying success, mostly no vacancies or they have said they would not be able to cope with dads challenging behaviour due to already having other residents who are similar. One is in special measures and I've had previous experience of it due to my Mother in law being there and it wasn't good at all so one to avoid. I'd also ruled one out previously when I was first looking for a home for dad, so not one I want to revisit.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I'm not really going to be satisfied with any place I view, I'm just going to have to accept whoever is willing to take him, which is not what I really wanted. Before I stated on this journey I had the kind of rose tinted idea that they would be a bit like a home from home but with 24/7 care and supervision. The ones I've seen have come across as cold, smelly, noisy, soulless and full of zombies asleep in beds or chairs, not what I envisioned for my dad who is/was active and fit but just doesn't have a brain that works properly anymore.

I hope I've not offended anyone with that description of the homes, if I have I'm sorry.

 

[Jessbow]

Thank you Baby Bunty, I can't say I'm coping too well today, it's all really getting to me, as I feel like it's all my fault and I know it's not but I just feel like I'm now letting my dad down.

Its NOT your fault.
how can you be letting dad down by wanting him to be safe, well fed and cared for?

You are not letting anyone down, silly Moo
(( Hug)) have another one- they are one of the few things in this life that are free