Morning everyone,
Good for your sister, Grace - I think Essie has the right approach, look to the house move as something to be done for you, something positive, focus on that and getting it sorted asap. You are doing brilliantly with your Sil, but why on earth should you have to waste precious energy on dealing with her unpleasantness and pestering - far better to spend that energy on acomplishing something good for you xxx
A lot younger when OH and I did the lifeshare, Slugsta - I actually had my first child whilst I was doing that - lol, helped my lady client bath in the morning, had my daughter at just after 4pm in the afternoon, back in harness 4 days later! Not a lot of privacy, but OH and I both loved doing that 'job' - we only stopped when it emerged that the council were on very dodgy ground with employment legislation and they brought the whole thing to an end. We were quite sad when it finished. I think that was probably the situation that taught me most about care/support work though and enabled me to learn to cope in a reasonable manner - verbally, oh I can blow and I can be horrible, but there's an inner brake that stops it going further xxx
Well, not much of the 'Hostess mode' about Mil yesterday afternoon, Izzy, I'm afraid. She was OK-ish when she got up, though it took me till lunch time to persuade her to finally have a wash and get dressed. Daughter's partner was heading back last night, so we had decided that OH would take them for a run out around Llangollen in the afternoon for a couple of hours whilst youngest was in Joseph rehearsals. I felt that I'd quite like some fresh air, and Mil seemed keen on the idea of a trip out, so off we went, leaving the joint and veg roasting for when we came back. All good while we were out, Mil was perfectly fine and actually seemed to be enjoying herself.
Got back, I felt a lot better, so was sorting the food when Mil said something to OH about this house and about me living 'round the corner'. I didn't hear any alarm bells ringing as she said it, neither did OH from what I could tell, but when he explained that no, I live here, that the house belongs to us both, it was like a rocket going off
And just how long had this been going on behind her back, she wanted to know? Just how long had we been 'carrying on'? Did this mean that he (OH) was 'splitting up' with her? Because as far as she knew, this house belonged to herself and him (OH), so what did we think we were playing at?
OH and I were caught a bit off guard, quite a while since we have had Mil thinking that he is her husband, rather than her son. But we both very calmly went into the same mode - gently but firmly explaining she was a bit tired and had got muddled, that I was his wife, she was his Mother. I pulled up the wedding pics that I'd scanned into the pc ages ago and showed her the photograph of our wedding day, with OH and self, and Mil and late Fil and did the 'look, you were there - there's S***, isn't it? And me. And you. And T** - look, you're smiling and isn't your hat nice?'. She looked very confused, but agreed that yes, she recognised us all and I thought that it had convinced her. As I stepped away though, she turned to OH and asked
'Does that mean that you and I are finished?' *sigh*.
OH got firmer, did the he was sorry she felt upset but she was mistaken about all this and he didn't want to discus any longer. She sat on the sofa, sobbing and we decided it was best to give her a bit of space, so I served up lunch with Mil sat in solitary splendour at the table and the rest of us balancing our meals on TV tables in the lounge, mainly because the filthy looks and the comments were solely directed at me and I didn't want to add any fuel. My throat definitely not up to a roast, so I'd reheated some of the leftover curry from the night before (which I hadn't eaten then as I felt so rough that up till yesterday, I'd mainly been existing on soup and soft buttered toast). Mil initially refused the food, but when all she got was a polite 'That's OK - you've had breakfast and lunch, it won't hurt for you to miss tea and wait till supper. I'll put it in the bin in a minute', she loudly decided why should she starve herself to please me, and she went to the table
I was putting mine out after I'd served everyone else and Mil came walking into the kithen whilst I was doing it. I reminded her that she wasn't to be in the kitchen and got rudely told that it was her ******* kitchen and she wanted a small ******* plate. I handed her one and she stomped back to her meal. I then came through with her glass of water (which I'd forgotten to put out with the cutlery) to find she was piling the vast majority of her veg onto the side plate, muttering
'That's raw, that's burnt, that tastes like ****' . I said 'fine', and removed the plate before she could pile the rest of the food onto it. By the time I'd come out of the kitchen with my plate, she had finished what was left of her food and was attempting to take her plate from the table. With a polite 'I'll take that for you', I lifted the plate - but she grabbed at the crockery and then threw it back on the table. I turned to OH and said 'enough' and asked him to get her to her room - clearly she needed to cool off and calm down. She refused, and he took her arm and pretty much marched her through the front room, with Mil shouting '
Oh, I'll go - I'll leave you to your mistress!.
Oldest tried to explain to Mil that I really was OH's wife and she was his Mother - Mil wailed at her '
If that's the truth why did no one ever tell me!'. No way was she having it, so OH sent her upstairs.
OH then had to get daughters partner to the train station - I was still eating - so off they went, and Mil started up and down the stairs, being incredibly offensive and rude to me, screaming I was a 'Barsteward' (or at least, a very similar sounding word
) and telling me to **** of out of her house and away from her husband. In the end, I put the kitchen barrier across the top of the stairs - just didn't see why I should put up with that sort of abuse
OH got back and I told him that I really didn't want to deal with her whilst I felt ill and that I wasn't prepared to have her sit downstairs at all last night - that might be harsh, but I really felt 'enough', and wasn't prepared to even try and cope. She tried to come down a few times, but OH, to be fair, backed me up - she didn't waiver in her belief that she was certain she had been his wife at all, the best we got was that she said she accepted he had 'chosen' me over her
OH took up her meds and porridge at 9, and thankfully, that was it for the night - he sent her to the bathrrom with clean pull ups, but its anyones guess if she changed them - I was pretty fed up and decided I couldn't be bothered to even go and check. He's currently in the shower, getting ready for work and she has just come down to use the loo down here - very cold towards me, no idea what or who she thinks I am, if she still thinks I'm the 'slapper' (as she called me several times yesterday) carrying on with 'her' husband or not. Repeating like a mantra that i only have to get through to the mini bus arriving, and then I can have a proper break for a few days. Haven't said a word to her about respite - intended to speak about it today, presenting it as a holiday, but will just play it by ear now, depending on her behaviour when I have to get her up. Hoping thats the best way to work out how to avoid any upset - we'll see!
Hope you guys all have a good day xxxx
