Your tips: coping with personality changes

[HarrietD]

Every issue our magazine includes real-life experiences, and they'd love to hear from you.

Do you have any advice about coping with how it feels if a person's personality changes in challenging ways as their dementia progresses?

Perhaps frustration sometimes makes them angry, or even aggressive?

Maybe they’ve become emotionally distant or withdrawn?

Or lower inhibitions might mean their behaviour causes embarrassment or concern?

Please post below or email magazine@alzheimers.org.uk before 4 March.

Thanks everyone

 

[sheepfield]

I would say don't take it personally. I used to work as a home help and a customer once told me that I was useless. I was feeling a bit delicate at the time with things going on in my home life and felt a bit upset at first but then reminded myself that it's just the illness. I've also had a couple of customers making inappropriate comments about my physical appearance let's say and thought that that was probably their illness too.
Sometimes my lovely, kind, gentle mother in law is grouchy with me. I'll have to try to remember some graceful exits from situations if feeling uncomfortable with shouting and lewdness etc. I'm hoping that 'I have to nip out to an appointment' will work if I need to escape a grumpy mother in law for a while till she forgets what she's cross about.

 

[Kevinl]

The lord alone knows alone one person with dementia is hard enough, you're a saint doing it everyday sheepfield, thank you.
K

 

[sheepfield]

And customers with learning disabilities and Parkinson's disease 🙂
I usually had at least half a dozen customers a week with dementia with their different preferences and habits.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks so much @sheepfield and @Kevinl for your comments. Those are some brilliant tips @sheepfield - even though it's understandably upsetting at the time, it sounds like you've found helpful ways to deal with it.

If anyone else would like to share how they've coped with personality changes, please feel free to comment below.

 

[Bettusboo]

I think the main thing is managing yourself. Recognising when you are tired or worn down and need a break. It’s much easier to see things from the other persons point of view and remain calm when you are feeling ok yourself.

One of many personality changes I saw in my dad was that he went from being extremely generous to extremely tight and preoccupied with money. It was helpful to think about the childhood he had where his family was very poor to understand something about where that particular change had come from. Reflecting about what money means for him in relation to control and loss of control was also helpful. All much easier to reflect on when I’m not feeling frazzled myself.

 

[HarrietD]

Thank you @Bettusboo - this is really helpful advice, and it's good to hear what helped you when dealing with your dad's personality changes. You're absolutely right that it's much easier to reflect on when you're not feeling stressed yourself, but that's a great way of stepping back and thinking about it in terms of where those changes could be coming from. Thanks so much again for sharing.

 

[Peachieperfect]

I find it incredibly difficult. It's not only the intensity from the sufferers, but also the criticism, accusations, and cynicism (that you're making it all up) from the wider (don't help) family. Both parents have dementia now, and so their relationship (currently in the care home) is a tinder box. My only tip would be, that I had to remove myself for a week or so every now and then, just to get a mental reset, and for me that worked. Interestingly, during their first bad fight at the care home (less than a week after my Mother arrived!) the staff again separated them, and then they were furious about that!!!. So I think there must be something in the just separating them, or separating yourself from them until they cool down and forget about the whole thing.

 

[clarinet]

Gosh, change of mood is a difficult one, suddenly not talking etc. What ive gradually learnt is, when my hubby gets angry or anxious theres an under lying issue. The other week I sat him down and asked why he was getting angry about me driving our Granddaughter home. It's a new route as they've moved home, he doesn't like this route as it's further and along a busy duel carriageway. It turns out he's worried about me having an accident and what happens to him if im not there? Ive therefore had to address this concern and ask my son to become involved delivering and or picking her up to save my hubby becoming anxious.

The other night he decided he wasn't going away for the weekend," i hadn't told him and therefore he wasn't going, Im selfish and always do my own thing". Of course I had told him. I let him go to bed and in the morning tackled it again, he still wasn't coming. I explained i wanted him to come for company, didn't want to go on my own, plus he knew i had said the night before i would go either way. He finally agreed, we had a lovely weekend. This weekend however has taught me that i can't go alone on holidays again it's now too stressful. We are booked on our first Adventure Dementia holiday this May, can't wait.

Of course angry out bursts are not always resolved that easily, keeping calm and not arguing back however is definitely the right thing to do, when you can.

 

[Bubble1981]

I struggle more than the lady I look after. I keep reminding myself that's it's not her it's the dementia that effecting her personality. I recently saw a dementia doctor who told me a few things are cause by the dementia when I thought she hated me. My career was a carer I had only know this lady for 3 years before dementia took effect. 2 years I've looked after her when some days are good its easier but when it's bad days as in lashing out or horrible words. I am kind to myself and think tomorrow is a new day and it will be forgotten. I have to forget what's happened like the lady does otherwise it festers.

 

[robinsonshirley026]

TRy an talk about something my mam used to do when becomes angry put dvd on talk about dvd we are watching we sing to music

 

[BuspassBill]

I would really appreciate any tips on dealing with anger issues with someone who is early ish dementia please

 

[masquereader]

I’m not sure I have any new coping strategies to add, but here goes.

My difficulty as a carer is that, my partner’s personaility literally changes during the day - almost every day. He has FTD, and it’s as if he’s separated mentally into two extremes of his pre-dementia personality.

Almost every day he gets up very late, refusing to eat, as his “bad” dementia self: angry, cruel, paranoid. He also takes foolish risks. He’s dramatically deteriorated physically: he used to be very active, playing tennis regularly at 70+ and taking the dog for long walks: now he’s frail and unstable; has frequent falls, and refuses to use mobility aids. This morning he was out in the garden in trainers and no coat, using loppers (he likes trimming things: I think it makes him feel in control). It’s no good telling him he’s making poor choices: it just makes him hostile.

Only yesterday I was telling my daughter some kind of residential care might be appropriate; but later in the day - as he usually does in the early evening - he morphed into his “sweet” dementia self: affectionate, dependent, probably a bit frightened of what is happening to him, appreciative of everything I do. There is no way this person should be anywhere but home. He also pulls himself together for “outsiders”, so only I see the other side.

I know I should be grateful some of his personaility remains, but I feel so disorientated. I don’t think I have any new suggestions to offer to cope with the personality traits I’m dealing with. Obviously I try to show his “sweet” self as much love and reassurance as I can, hoping some memory of that will carry over into the darker times. As for the other times, like everyone else I tell myself “It’s not him, it’s the illness.” If he’s being verbally combative, I try not to engage with his arguments, but ask him not to talk to me like that. Unfortunately, although his verbal communication skills are seriously affected by the illness, the one time he seems to speak reasonably fluently is when he’s angry - but his arguments often don’t make sense, so trying to counter them just ramps up the conflict. Better to walk away.

Ho-hum. I’m afraid I don’t have any answers.

 

[steviey]

I find this the most difficult aspect of dementia to deal with, I have spent 40 plus years living in synergy with my wife, to now having to deal with ever evolving changes in personality and behavior. The only way i find to best deal with this after spending too much time reacting is to surrender to what is and accept this is how it is. This has meant learning to be more aware of what's happening which helps in responding in a considered way rather than reacting. Its seriously not easy and there's absolutely no one out there who can help you to learn how live with a person who's behaviour and personality you don't recognise. ITS HARD!

 

[Music Mark]

Can anyone help please!! My wife keeps wanting to buy stuff she really doesn’t need because she already has an item like it.
is this a symptom of Alzheimer's?
I can’t stop her wanting new stuff all the time

 

[Violet Jane]

@Music Mark, that's quite a common dementia behaviour. Ultimately, you have to restrict the person's access to cash and bank cards in some way as s/he won't be able to change this behaviour.

The alternative is to keep returning the items, if that's possible.

 

[Music Mark]

@Music Mark, that's quite a common dementia behaviour. Ultimately, you have to restrict the person's access to cash and bank cards in some way as s/he won't be able to change this behaviour.

The alternative is to keep returning the items, if that's possible.

This is causing her distress and making me feel terrible because I keep saying no.

 

[AGC]

My wife with dementia is totally silent. Best tip I have learned from this site is you can still love an animal even if it can't talk. So why not a wife?

 

[Susanne22]

When my mother lost the ability to have a conversation my family got out all her favourite music and she would sing in an odd word. As she sank back into her childhood we found music of that era and she would listen and smile and again sing an odd word here and there. We did the 60s, 50s war years and so on. Mum is 93 and in a care home now and the radio/ music went too - playing all day. On her bed is a HUG doll - best investment we made for someone in the final stages - the doll sings and has a beating heart. Xxx

 

[masquereader]

I miss the person my partner used to be terribly. I feel love for the person he is now, but I miss the man he was