Your tips: coping with personality changes

[MikeFB]

At the risk of repeating myself I am experiencing a marked change of personality in my wife to whom I have been married for over 67 years. We now have very little communication, hardly anything in common which we can share, and there are times when she defiantly denies we are even husband and wife. I have long gone trying to reason which only makes worse. Apart from the stress caused to me I hate seeing her in this distressed state and, at the age of 91, have resorted to recalling the happier times and how I remember her. I have therefore undertaken to write our love story from the very beginning. supported with photographs and sketches - and I have to say it is proving to be the most uplifting experience - better than most other suggestions.
The added joy I have gained is being able to share the occasional memory with my OH whose longer term memory is remarkably good at times. Such happy memories to behold.

 

[Stephenb905]

At the risk of repeating myself I am experiencing a marked change of personality in my wife to whom I have been married for over 67 years. We now have very little communication, hardly anything in common which we can share, and there are times when she defiantly denies we are even husband and wife. I have long gone trying to reason which only makes worse. Apart from the stress caused to me I hate seeing her in this distressed state and, at the age of 91, have resorted to recalling the happier times and how I remember her. I have therefore undertaken to write our love story from the very beginning. supported with photographs and sketches - and I have to say it is proving to be the most uplifting experience - better than most other suggestions.
The added joy I have gained is being able to share the occasional memory with my OH whose longer term memory is remarkably good at times. Such happy memories to behold.

What a lovely thing to do ..

 

[Ali L]

I miss the person my partner used to be terribly. I feel love for the person he is now, but I miss the man he was

I completely understand your feelings , I feel like that too, missing my funny, articulate, outrageous, intelligent, compassionate husband. It can be so lonely sometimes.

 

[Yeliab]

My father has gone through the whole spectrum of personality changes - none really, have been easy. For reference, he is now mid to later stages of Alzheimers.

Anger and Suspicion
This seemed to be earlier on, though Anger came up later as well. He always thought someone was stealing from him and so would hide things - random things...some to be honest we never found!
He would also get angry about it and a few times specifically got very angry at me directly - it shocked me. My father has always been even tempered. I did though become POA and was the one that had to tell him he can no longer drive (we had a test done so it wasn't 'me' telling him). He got very angry , calling the test bs and the instructor 'was out to get him'..etc. He even yelled at me when I was driving him to the Dr because I 'didn't go the right way'...he say "G-damnit, you're going to fk this up!". I have never heard him let alone yell like that to me - to my face before.
How did I deal with this? I stayed calm - honestly I was angry myself, but I stayed calm....I didn't respond, I ignored him. I don't know if that was 'right' but its what I did and it passed

Sadness
Anger was early on but so was sadness, and sadness still comes now in later stages. He will try to tell a story (from way way long ago, usually his childhood) then he'll say "theyre all dead" and just start crying. Or if I mention my niece's name and that she is coming to visit, he'll pause and start to tear up then say something about children....
He usually pauses just before he's about to go deep emotionally, and so I will try to change the subject. It's easier now in later stage but was really hard in the beginning when he could really tell the stories you could understand...
How I deal with it? Again, I would try to change the subject - talk about something else.

Frustration
In some ways, this emotion upsets me the most. At times I can see the frustration he has - with words, with his memory. Sometimes I can even tell he has a realization that he has this disease or that 'something is wrong with him'. It's hard to watch and be a part of - and it makes me the most sad; I can deal with anger and his sadness over lost loved ones, but frustration hurts the most. It's a weird form of reality of the situation, for both of us.
How I deal with it? I try to help him find the words he's struggling with, or just agree with whatever he says (I do that a lot), or ask him a different question. I don't know if those the right things to do, but its what I do.

My father is in a memory care home coming on 2yrs now and I still see him every week. I get stressed out when I go there and I always am sad when I leave, not sad for leaving, but sad inside from my visit. But he recognizes me and is genuinely happy to see me. That is what I focus on.

 

[SelahRosario]

Your father is lucky to have such a loving child, everything you did was right and visiting him is the most you can do right now. I understand your feelings and that it's really hard to cope with such huge changes in personality, but remember that it doesn't matter how he behave or think it's still your father, keep loving him the same and be by his side.

 

[kay3]

Mum is extremely argumentative at all times, hostile and highly resistant to care, taunting, accusatory. Resistant to drinking water. I don't argue. I use the STOP skill: before I start to argue I leave the room and come back in a few minutes when I feel better. Recognize that engaging in bickering will only hurt yourself. I go for a swim in the sea close by. Mum can still be left alone for a short while. When she can't I'll use my homecare provider to care for her so I can take a break. Do something nice for yourself everyday, even if it's a nice meal or favourite TV show, a few hours of peace after s/he sleeps. My affectionate cat. That's something nice to wake up to before the madness begins. Appreciate every lovely moment in your day, even if you just look at the view from your balcony for a few minutes, feel the sunlight on your face and the breeze in your hair. I have no family support, things are going to get much worse in the coming years. But my brother gives me $5000 to take a 2 week holiday each year, so I live for that, planning it in detail. My homecare provider takes care of Mum. How do you survive?

 

[ValP]

I would say don't take it personally. I used to work as a home help and a customer once told me that I was useless. I was feeling a bit delicate at the time with things going on in my home life and felt a bit upset at first but then reminded myself that it's just the illness. I've also had a couple of customers making inappropriate comments about my physical appearance let's say and thought that that was probably their illness too.
Sometimes my lovely, kind, gentle mother in law is grouchy with me. I'll have to try to remember some graceful exits from situations if feeling uncomfortable with shouting and lewdness etc. I'm hoping that 'I have to nip out to an appointment' will work if I need to escape a grumpy mother in law for a while till she forgets what she's cross about.

This doesn’t work when you’re living with them ( oh) & he’s horrible to you, which he would never of been before 😭. So so hard.

 

[ValP]

I find this the most difficult aspect of dementia to deal with, I have spent 40 plus years living in synergy with my wife, to now having to deal with ever evolving changes in personality and behavior. The only way i find to best deal with this after spending too much time reacting is to surrender to what is and accept this is how it is. This has meant learning to be more aware of what's happening which helps in responding in a considered way rather than reacting. Its seriously not easy and there's absolutely no one out there who can help you to learn how live with a person who's behaviour and personality you don't recognise. ITS HARD!

That’s an understatement, I know. Bless

 

[maggie6445]

I completely understand your feelings , I feel like that too, missing my funny, articulate, outrageous, intelligent, compassionate husband. It can be so lonely sometimes.

You are not alone, completely understand 😘

 

[hc10]

Firstly, my mother was diagnosed with LBD over 2.5 years ago - something she does not accept at all and gets quite angry about if the subject is broached. We have seen her undergo quite a change in the last year. No two days are the same and that can be very challenging and stressful as you just don't know what you are going to face when she wakes up. Previously, on a good day, she would appear quite 'normal', happy, caring and engaged and the opposite on her 'not so good' days. However, in the last year, she can switch between the two situations in a flick of a switch and can go from a perfectly normal conversation to real outbursts of anger, paranoia and hallucinations.
The only coping mechanism that works is not to try and defend our actions or try and correct what she is saying etc, even when she is clearly in the wrong - which frankly is easier said than done, especially, when you yourself are tired and frustrated.
Secondly, as others have said, generally she too keeps her inappropriate behaviour for when we are on our own, however more recently, she has made some strange comments when friends and clinicians (dealing with physical issues) have been around. I have dealt with this by forewarning them that this may occur and to take it in their stride and not question her about the issues she raises or mention her LBD diagnosis.

 

[Music Mark]

Can anyone help me please. my wife’s choice is now not showering and basically being very messy. It may sound very trivial to some but she has always been immaculate and very tidy but now she is not bothered. Is this her Alzheimer's?

 

[Harky]

@Music Mark it most certainly is. My other half is now even incapable off washing herself and is very messy in any rooms she ventures into. I've taken various measures to help prevent it and save myself a lot of work. As to the washing, I've vastly reduced it but use moist disposable wipes for her toilet visits to ensure she's always clean in that area.

 

[maggie6445]

@Music Mark ,Sadly it is progression of dementia. My OH was a very clean ,smart man and it takes a lot of time and patience to shower him each morning. I use no rinse products ,nilaqua, Senset omnitex and he tries to rinse off . It doesn't matter too much if he doesn't but keeps the routine.

I squirt his bottom with Senset foam and finish
the clean with toilet paper after toilet visits. Saves on a bin full of messy wipes.

Sorry if too much information 😂

 

[sheepfield]

My mother in law now leaves used toilet paper in the bathroom instead of flushing it. So when I visit it's a fun game to search for the paper and dispose of it. Of course she wonders what I'm doing in the bathroom for longer than usual!
It must be so difficult when living in the same house as a person with dementia.
My husband and I live in a cottage with one room downstairs so not many alternative places to go.
I try to get out of the house each day as my husband follows me round the house seeking reassurance if I leave the big room. We're both autistic but I think that I might have expected a bit more interaction with husband than what has proved to be the case now that we're living together. It's quite tiring to get out every day but even an hour at carers group, swimming etc is a nice change.
Husband works full time but masks his autism and finds it draining. I work part time but presumably can't mask all that well because I keep getting fired! Work is not a pleasant break from my caring roles hence all the groups.
It seems that some people with dementia are able to mask too. My mother in law seems different when there's someone with a lanyard and uniform about but happy to tell me and my husband how she feels all at sea, muddled up etc.

 

[HarrietD]

This thread is now closed. Thanks so much again to everyone who contributed - these insights are all incredibly valuable to people who might be struggling with personality changes.