Won’t be doing this again!

[Skylark/2]

Good morning,

I’ll try not to go into too much detail but need to vent.
we were looking forward to a 3 night break in the Peak District self catering in a cottage we know well. I packed for both of us, food for a few days, wine etc., and needed to check that the medication script for O.H had been sent to pharmacy for collection when we got back.
I drove, in heavy traffic and stopped for a pub lunch along the way. We arrived, I unpacked etc., and we settled down for the afternoon , but later went to watch the sun go down at a Beaty spot. Early evening O.H suddenly said ( as we were getting ready to watch Mastermind ) I’ve had a s..t day, done nothing, no point in coming and then said he was off to bed after saying a few nasty things to me. This went on all night, no sleep for me but in the morning I suggested a visit to Chatsworth, he reluctantly agreed but after 40 minutes there, said he was tired ( so was I, exhausted and stressed ) so we returned to the cottage. Later that afternoon I suggested a walk through the village and a pint at the pub, we did this, and then I said we would go for a meal out later He agreed but by 6 p.m was demanding we went home! By this time I was so upset, stressed, tired through lack of sleep, I agreed. Packed, tidied cottage and set off driving back. O.H talked and map read all the way home even though I had sat nav on. Awful journey back, sun in eyes all the way, busy traffic but back home safe.y after 1 night away instead of 3 with virtually no sleep. O.H convinced other people with us, or left behind and sometimes recognises me sometimes not.
compliemented me on my driving this morning, now angry saying ‘ I’m not your gardener ‘ because I ‘ ordered him’ to help me water flower pots.
Fed up, sorry

 

[jennifer1967]

that was stressful night away. done the right thing in cutting it short and coming home. lets hope he settles down again soon.

 

[Jessbow]

((Hug))
Makes it so much worse when you try and do something nice and it bites you on the backside

Does he go to daycare? Try and find some 'me' time somewhere.

 

[canary]

I think you did the right thing in coming home

It looks like he cant cope with holidays anymore, unfortunately
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

 

[jay6]

It's so hard trying to do something nice but they just can't appreciate it or understand how much effort you put in.
Think you did the right thing in coming home, but pity it ruined your break away. I just try to take one day at a time now.

 

[Skylark/2]

Thank you all for your replies.
Sadly I agree, holidays are becoming a happy memory.
I think in the last few weeks my O.H seems to have become more confused, searching for the ‘ right word ‘, ready to argue and be abusive and convinced that there are other people staying in the house, coming on holiday with us and doesn’t recognise me some days. He is on Donepezil, has been for about 18 months. We have a review at the Memory Clinic next month. I wonder if Donepezil is no longer helping and is there something else. Worth a shot?

 

[Veritas]

Definitely. Anything to try and reduce these distressing (to both of you) behaviours.

 

[Bod]

Just be aware that changing medication, it may take a while to settle down to the right dose for him.

Bod.

 

[Skylark/2]

Just be aware that changing medication, it may take a while to settle down to the right dose for him.

Bod.

Good point, thank you

 

[Skylark/2]

Just a update on my post of yesterday and having to return from holiday early.
An absolute nightmare of a morning.
For the first time my O.H was confused about taking his medication. He has a routine which he follows to the letter …..but not today. I asked if he would like me to help, immediately he started to get annoyed I’d touched the packets, so I backed off and let him struggle, hard though it was to see him try and remember.
I then said I was going to the garage to check if a part that was ordered for our car had arrived. It had so I’ve booked it in for next Wednesday. It is only a minor problem to do with opening and closing the bonnet but O.H can’t understand that. I’ve explained so many times it’s nothing to do with the engine, the car is drivable but he got more and more anxious. He had a hospital appointment this afternoon and was anxious about getting there and would we be able to get back! No amount of reassurance has worked and so I ended up cancelling the appointment and of course we now have to wait until the end of Oct for another. I even suggested a taxi but he doesn’t want to spend money on a taxi. Now he’s asking if the mechanic will keep the ‘ slot ‘ open next week, he might ‘ give it to someone else !’ I’ve promised to go to the garage at 7 a.m as soon as it opens!
I have never seen him so agitated and confused as he is these last few days. That is why I want to know if a change in medication might be of benefit, see last few posts and replies please.
Feel I need a G&T, is it too early!

 

[Veritas]

@Skylark/2
I think you need to speak urgently to your GP. It could be that there’s an infection that has caused this change. Alternatively get in touch with your contact at the Memory Clinic and see if they can bring his appointment forward. He sounds very distressed, and so do you.

 

[jugglingmum]

If it's a sudden change it could be a UTI or other infection - sounds like worth checking out

Otherwise it's time to tell him only what he needs to know so he can't fret

 

[Violet Jane]

This could be an infection or certain medication no longer working or a progression of the dementia.

I agree with @jugglingmum. I think that you might need to give him less advance warning of things and not tell him some things at all or even be economical with the truth e.g. the taxi is being paid for by the NHS. People with dementia reach the stage where they lose an understanding of time and can't be reassured that they are not going to, say, be late for an appointment.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Please do get him checked out for a UTI they can cause havoc with someone with dementia.
It could also be that he is still upset from the holiday, but still best to check for infection.

 

[colpatben]

An absolute nightmare of a morning....

It's never too early for a GnT 🥂

Colin

Feel I need a G&T, is it too early!

Even My Patsy is ready for one on waking.

 

[Skylark/2]

This could be an infection or certain medication no longer working or a progression of the dementia.

I agree with @jugglingmum. I think that you might need to give him less advance warning of things and not tell him some things at all or even be economical with the truth e.g. the taxi is being paid for by the NHS. People with dementia reach the stage where they lose an understanding of time and can't be reassured that they are not going to, say, be late for an appointment.

Thanks to all you lovely, supportive people who are taking the time to reply.
It’s not an infection and I do try to be economical with the truth , if anyone has tips on avoiding being interrogated, feel free to share! He’s like a dog with a bone, just goes on and on.
I went for a walk and a coffee, out for a couple of hours. Immediately on my return, he’s started questioning about the car again! I’m answering as briefly as possible.
such an awful atmosphere.

 

[canary]

When being economical with the truth is not enough (or perhaps, too much...) then the best thing is not to say anything in the first place.
I dont tell OH anything unless it will directly impact on him, and even then I only tell him at the point when he will notice. If I have to make alternative arrangements I dont ask him, I just do it and then tell him just before it happens.

It sounds mean, but it has saved a lot of anxiety and anger.

 

[Violet Jane]

I hope that this doesn't come across as criticism but did you need to tell your OH that you were going to the garage? You could have said, for example, that you were going to buy some stamps at the Post Office. I think that people with dementia have certain things that they tend to obsess about. In the case of my elderly friend it was her garden; she would get very worked up at the mention of gardeners. I made all the arrangements for the gardeners to come and didn't tell her in advance. Sometimes she wouldn't hear them but if she did I'd just present it as a fait accompli and change the subject. I appreciate that it was easier for me than it is for you. However, I do think that you may have to change your mindset a bit from sharing information with him to telling him things only when absolutely necessary as his rational mind is now impaired

Medication might help as this type of behaviour is a form of anxiety and agitation. Can you just leave the house for a while if your OH starts? Discussing things with him just seems to fuel his obsessive behaviour.

 

[jay6]

It's hard trying to explain to a PWD now. I try and keep things simple. A G & T sounds good

 

[Skylark/2]

Today is a better day, maybe it’s the G&T’s