Why won't people visit!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by AnnS, Jan 4, 2009.

  1. AnnS

    AnnS Registered User

    Apr 26, 2008
    15
    South
    Hi,
    Its been a while since I've logged on - managed to get my mum settled back into her original nursing home - (long story short she went into one home, CPN recommended another as mum likes to wander, it all went pear shape as second home couldn't cope -they had her sectioned and then I spent a month giving everyone a hard time until I got mum back into original home which is brilliant - so much for professional advice!) During this period also managed to sell her house before bottom fell out of housing market - so I can at least pay her care fees. I thought once I had got through this I would feel less upset at mum going into a home but I know find myself enraged with so called friends and family. People who have known mum for over 40 years just are not interested in visiting. All the neighbours said "we'll wait until she's settled" well that was 9 months ago and not one has bothered to visit. My late father's brother and wife were visiting from overseas and didn't even make the effort to visit even though they had always been close. Mum can still clearly communicate, ok she repeats herself a lot, she can't stay focused on a topic for long, but she still recognises everyone. Why do people act as if alzheimers sufferers are basically dead even when they are very much alive! Has anyone else had this problem? Am I being unreasonable because I just for the life of me cannot understand what makes people switch off this way. I just think of all the things my parents did for so called friends and relatives over the years and it just makes me want to shout. Worst of all is when you bump into these people and they ask how mums is doing - I really do have to stop myself from saying what I think. Sorry this post is a bit of a rant but its just a feeling that when it gets mixed with me missing mum it makes for a really bad day.

    AnnS
    :mad:
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,433
    I'm afraid to say what you have experienced is not unique. Sometimes, it's family sometimes it's "friends" but whoever it is it's hurtful for all concerned. My particular favourite (not) is "I want to remember her as she was". It makes one's blood boil. No words of advice, or even sure fire ways of getting people to visit - if they want to visit they will, and if they don't they won't be moved. My mother had a friend who visited even though it involved two trains and a taxi, but most didn't. Tremendous sympathy, but not much help I'm afraid.

    Best wishes
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Ann

    Im afraid that your situation is a common one.

    Why are people with dementia forgotten?

    Maybe fear..others made aware that this could be their reality in the future too

    Selfishness...only interested in having a relationship when they can get something out of it themselves

    Emotionally unable to cope.

    Sincerely believe that the person they knew is gone. Nothing left worthy of their time.

    Thoughtlessness...dont realise the impact it has on people like you.

    But dont waste your emotional energy on worrying about it...cos it makes no difference...they still dont visit. Take heart from those one or two who may visit, the carer who takes that extra bit of time with mum, someone elses visitor who takes time to smile at her and say hello.

    The others?...It is their loss...In my opinion being able to love and care for the weak in society is what separates us from the animal world.

    Helen
     
  4. keane

    keane Registered User

    Sep 9, 2005
    40
    no - don't worry if you're upset. We have to spend our lives trying not to upset people in particularly our relatives /friends who might be upset about having someone they are close to with alzheimer's.

    All i know is that i try not to get too bitter because that's really easy to be and I -been there done that and now realise it's such a wasted emotion that I now try to be understanding (and I have to really try!!) to put it behind me. ALzheimer's is not easy for those who are not lived to theextent that we are. All i can say is - continue to get the support of those who come here. There are some things in life we can control and there are other times we can't - we need to acknowlegde this and use this to help us with whatever we have to face in the future. xxx good luck - choose those battles you have - you only have a finite limit of energy to cope with everything. xxxxx
     
  5. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    #5 icare2, Jan 4, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2009
    hello,I can fully understand your situation,as my wife who has several sisters,that all live very near,and only one of them has ever offered any help,and all are mostly retired and have the time,but we just get on with it,do not waste your time on any of them,I could go on and on about all the so called holy joes!!!,and thats her own so called family,but forget all about them,as you wont have anything too thank them for..

    As they well know your plight and problems,thankfully my wife is still at home with us,as she is under 65 she or we get INDEPENDANT LIVING FUND.(ILF),with that and the local social work department,we get 58 hours per week,in home support carers services
     
  6. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,223
    Don't worry about the so-called ranting here.

    I think you would be justified in saying something to the people you are annoyed by. Something like, " She misses you" or " My mum would love to see you again, can you spare some time to pop over" Or, even suggest something she would enjoy in company, like a cup of tea. Or even, if you can stomach it.. " It would help me to think that people still care about her enough to visit her".

    I know it may sound naive but unless people know how you are feeling, they can't help you. ( Well they could if they had any intuition at all, I suppose but most people probably just want to bundle along their own journies without too much worry about the rest of the world and certainly without second guessing bad feeling.)

    Having said that, I find it very difficult to let my family know how I am feeling. I just get angrier and angrier and tie myself up in knots, spitting feathers in silence. So I am no great role model.:(
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,381
    Kent
    This is where the emotions kick in.

    We know what we could say but saying it in the calm and controlled manner needed is a tall order. So we stay silent, it builds up and we `spit feathers`.
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Ann

    I agree, it's a problem most of us face. Two of John's sons visit, the third 'doesn't know what to say' so he doesn't!

    His granddaughter, who loves even closer than me, literally just down the road, has visited him once in 16 months, and then totally ignored John and chatted to her step-mum.

    Some people can cope, others can't. And the only person we can change is ourself!

    Try not to waste your energy getting mad. I know how hurtful it is, but remember that you are doing a wonderful job caring for your mum -- and what a sorry story, that she was caused extra stress by a CPN who didn't understand.:(

    You'll always find support here, so don't worry about ranting.

    Love,
     
  9. julieann15

    julieann15 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2008
    2,012
    Leicestershire
    It's not just friends that vanish into thin air- siblings seem to have a problem with finding their way down to visit.sis visited mum twice last year and one of those visits did not include a visit to mum's flat.:mad::mad:

    As with ANY disease the true friends are the ones who stick it out. Few and far between but worth their weight in gold:):)

    Julie xx
     
  10. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    It's common.

    Mum stayed in a home in her own town so her friends could visit. Within a year I think all stopped coming, or maybe a couple visited twice in the second year.

    My brother visited once a week for a few years..20mins to half an hour. Never took her out other than for the odd 5 minute walk up the road and back...but better than nothing.

    For long enough I was bitter,even felt like shouting at them when they came to her funeral that it was too ##£$%& late! but then realised that these people just could not cope. They were fearful, afraid, uncertain of what to do. Had busy lives.

    No, it is not fair. No it is not what I want and I would like to think that those of us who do continue to visit help our loved ones and benefit ourselves. I know that these years of caring taught me more than perhaps I wanted to know about myself.

    (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

    Just because others don't appear to care doesn't mean that they don't, just that for them grief is too great or that they don't care enough...I don't know the answer. All we can do is do as much as we are each able to do.

    Mameeskye
     
  11. ElaineMaul

    ElaineMaul Registered User

    Jan 29, 2005
    333
    Perhaps people are intimidated by the thought of visiting a care home? They worry about what they are supposed to do when they get there? Are there formalities to go through? What might the other people living there be like? ....

    When a friend went into a care home because of physical disabilities several years ago, I can remember being initially a bit nervous about going as I didn't know what to expect.

    Perhaps when you see/phone some of these old friends/relatives you could say 'Mum asked after you' [which may be a lie, but who cares!] 'I'm going there next Monday at 6pm for an hour, would you like to come with me. I'm sure she'd love to see you. You could bring your photos of the grandchildren/holidays whatever......... [something you think they could talk to your Mum about]'.

    If you say it pleasantly, they can't get upset, and going with you initially may make them feel more at ease? If the time is not convenient for them ...... it does lead you into asking when it might be convenient for them!

    If they really make flimsy excuses then for not going ....... well, you know how deep their friendship/family feelings really are.

    Just a thought!

    Elaine
     
  12. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,093
    Toronto, Canada
    It is so difficult, isn't it? I personally haven't had much of a problem with that because I moved my mother from British Columbia to Ontario where I live. Two of her sisters live close by and they visit. So I haven't any complaints there.

    However, I will say I have heard this a couple of times.

    Once was from a old school friend of mine visiting from Manitoba. This from a woman who was a nurse and also professed to be a Christian.

    Let me digress here - I would like Christians a lot more if they behaved in a more Christian-like manner.

    It makes me angry when I hear of people not visiting. Our loved ones are still here, it's just different. It's so nice for them to have visitors. One of my mother's friends from British Columbia did manage to stop and see Mum when she & her husband were on a year-long road trip. I was extremely touched by that.

    Sorry for my digressions.
     
  13. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    All these stories sound so familiar.
    It all happened when my Peg was alive and it isn't much better now.
    The one big consolation,it is a real you lose some and you gain some.
    I have some good friends left and I have gained some new ones (some on this site)they are better friends than some of the old ones.
    It all seems to level out.
    Norman
     
  14. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    I have just returned from visiting my Lionel.

    Needless to say neither of his children communicated with him, or the home, again this Christmas.

    Took down the decorations,and his cards though and counted them - 21 in total.
    True friends, who even if they cannot visit, who never forget.
     
  15. Eloise

    Eloise Registered User

    Jan 4, 2009
    1
    Derbyshire
    Hiya. Im quite new to this but felt i had to reply to 'why people wont visit?' My grandad has recently had dementia syptoms and is quite bad and the doctor is doing tests on him at the mo. But the reason im replying to that thread is it has been very distressing witnessing my grandad going through it and its so upsetting i often think of not going back to vist however i know that will it make it worse on the rest of my family so i do go and see him as often as i can. I think some people just cant deal with it and they dont want the disease to taint their memory of them. My grandad was a lovely man but is now prone to aggressive, unpleasant outbursts and some people probably want to avoid that. 4 out of their 6 grandchildren wont vist them so i have tried to get them to go but its up to them at the end of the day you cant force people into anything as long as your happy with your own actions.
     
  16. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,093
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Eloise

    But you are going. That's what important. Also,

    Very true, you can't force people. However, when your granddad dies, you at least will know you did your best to visit him.

    I confess I have problems with people who "can't deal with it" or "want to remember them as they were". What is, is. We can't change anything so we must just plod our way through. The Golden Rule is applicable here, I think. I wouldn't want to be left alone in my greatest time of need.

    I think it's the total collapse of social relations also. Not just family, but friends fall away. That's what Ann was referring to. I'm not advocating visits every day but surely every 2 - 3 weeks wouldn't hurt anyone.

    Eloise, since your grandfather has been recently diagnosed, it will take some time before everyone adjusts to the changes. I think you'll see people coming to visit then.
     
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear AnnS

    I suppose much of it comes down to how much they visited her before she was in the care home. Mum was there for 16 months and got two visits from her cousin's daughter (more than usual), two visits from her ex-next-door neighbour (who works full-time, to be fair), two from people from her church and one from her "best friend". That was it.

    I think people are scared of what they might find. Mum was fine with visitors, most couldn't find much amiss with her, but I think some were frightened.

    Margaret
     
  18. icare2

    icare2 Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    84
    scotland
    why bother abt them,they are not real friends or family really

    the best advice I can give,to anyone thats a carer or a husband or wife or any part of a family thats involved with this illness,is get a LOCAL SOCIAL WORKER THAT HAS EXPERIENCE WITH THIS ILLNESS,AND I DO MEAN ONE THAT HAS REAL EXPERIENCE,NOT ONE THAT THEY ALLOCATE YOU WITH,INSIST ON THIS..

    CARE HOMES IS THE LAST OPTION,(BUT THE SOCIAL WORKER WILL NOT TELL YOU THAT) SHE OR HE WILL JUST GO WITH THE ASSESSMENT OF THE DOCTOR,OR CONSULTANT THATS INVOLVED WITH THE PERSON,THAT THEY ARE DEALING WITH AT THE TIME,AS THEY NEED TO KEEP THERE SELVES COVERED WITH ANY ASSESSMENT,THAT THEY MAKE AT THAT TIME,MEANING THEY WILL NEED 24/7 CARE AT ALL TIMES.

    ON MY OUR OWN, OR FAMILYS EXPERIENCE WE WERE TOLD THIS FOUR YEARS AGO!! THAT MY WIFE WAS NEEDING TO INTO A CARE HOME THAT WAS THERE ONLY ADVICE,THANKFULLY WE NEVER TOOK THAT AND OPTED FOR HER TO STAY AT HOME WITH US,AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY,SHE IS BETTER OFF,MENTALY AND PHYISICALLY NOW THAN EVER!!,SHE NEEDS ALL HER PERSONAL HYGENE AND NEEDS LOOKED AFTER,AND REALLY CAN DO NOTHING FOR HERSELF,SHE IS JUST LIKE A YOUNG BABY WITH ALL THAT CARE NEEDED, BUT!! I CAN TELL YOU ITS ALL WELL WORTH IT!!,WE ALSO GET HELP FROM THE ILF.. THAT IS BECAUSE SHE IS UNDER 65..BUT YOUR LOCAL PRINCESS TRUST WILL ADVISE YOU ON THIS..
     
  19. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    To put another slant on this ... I was upset when a very long standing family friend stopped visiting my mother as he had done for years previously when she was still in her own home - yes other people might have had other reasons - but it was only after my mother died this friend stated his 'real reasons'. My mother could be very verbally aggressive and accusatory and as a lone male he was concerned at being alone with her ..... for fear of any allegations she might have made against him.

    With hindsight, I am sorry I had never looked at this in such a way and could have arranged for him to continue visiting when I, or someone else, was there which would have been mutually beneficial for all concerned ...... :(

    K, x
     
  20. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,093
    Toronto, Canada
    #20 Canadian Joanne, Jan 5, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2009
    [QUOTEas a lone male he was concerned at being alone with her ..... for fear of any allegations she might have made against him.[/QUOTE]

    It is a pity you didn't know about that then. I'm sure it would have benefitted everyone, as you say.
     

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