Why won't people visit!!!!!!!!

[Sooe]

Rant away

Hi Ann
Poor you, you just rant away the rest of us will listen and sympathise too.
Its hard, but I kinda understand, sometimes its hard to know what to talk about, sometimes Mum doesn't even know us properly, I know she does deep down, but for others not so close, they feel wary of what to say or do, and even scared of the illness, somedays even we feel we can't face it today, but go anyway incase its a good day and we miss it, so don't waste your energy Ann it will just wear you out, before Mums dementia hit, she had her Husband and Daughter pass on, suddenly within a few months of each other, FRIENDS, all said they would visit often, guess what they never did!!! and she wasn't even ill as such then. I just keep telling myself its their loss...Rant on whenever but don't wear yourself out - you need your strength for your Mum and yourself.

Sooe xxxx

 

[AnnS]

Thanks everyone!!!

Hi,
A big thanks to everyone who has responded. It was re-assuring to read about other peoples experiences and see that its not a unique situation (which is sort of sad that so many people lose touch with sufferers in care - but at the same time made me realise I'm not alone). I just need to learn to focus on the positives which so many of you have highlighted and just let those who don't visit (whatever their reasons) get on with it. The annoying thing was I had thought about visitors when chosing a home. I was really lucky to get mum into a fantastic home when I did. She lived alone (mums in Scotland and I'm down South England) and she was wandering in the middle of the night. I had a full care package arranged for her but she wouldn't let them in or wasn't in when they called. So she wasn't getting her meds, she wasn't eating the meals I was having delivered - she was just so vulnerable and I was so far away. The care homes local to me didn't have the type of secure dementia wing I knew mum needed and the one that did was 30miles away with a waiting list of 16 and no spare beds! At the time if mum stayed local in Scotland I could get her in quicker (and she'd be safe ASAP - I'd never have forgiven myself if something happened to her whilst I was waiting for a bed in England to make things more convenient for me). Plus the idea of her being in Scotland was rather than just me visiting she would have all these friends and neighbours (not!) Anyway the main thing is mum is settled and in a fantastic care home that really looks after her and she does have a few regular visitors. I get up about every 8 weeks and still phone every week. Maybe its a blessing that she is at the stage now where 5 minutes after any vistor has left she can't remember them ever being there. I still wish I lived closer but I know that I can't drag mum around the country as I change jobs.
So big thanks again to everyone I really appreciate your help.

Ann

 

[terry999]

Some people stopped visiting my mum in her house because she accused them of stealing and was aggressive to them. They were scared they would find themselves in a crisis.

I think people stopped contacting her - because they feel there is no point she doesn't understand. I told people just telephoning her would be good for her to hear familiar voices.

Relatives went AWOL, but ex-lodgers of ours still call from abroad.

Personal bug bear is a relative who went completely AWOL for a year during the height of mum's troubles. Who has now turned up to holiday in mum's empty london flat. I've bitten my tongue as the relative in question has visited mum alot while in London and mum really enjoyed it.

As Norman said - you find out who your real friends are.

BUT it is up to us carers to tell people that it is still worth visiting.