Who has stolen my husband?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sad Staffs, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Ok... day one of shower room refurb over.
    Getting him to bed wasn’t easy as nothing was where he expected it to be. He struggled to cope even though I was by his side until his head hit the pillow.
    Now this morning! Worse than last night. First he lost it and started shouting and swearing. He was upset because he said everything was my fault because I had been lying in bed all morning!
    The alarm goes off every morning at 7, I jump (joke as I’m in too much pain to walk let alone jump) out of bed, get washed and dressed so I can sort this grumpy miserable man out.
    Never ever get a kind word, thanks, and the word sorry just doesn’t exist.
    Have to question.... who is the miserable one now! ME!
    Thanks for being there for me to rant to.
    Love B xx
     
  2. Mudgee Joy

    Mudgee Joy Registered User

    Dec 26, 2017
    660
    Female
    New South Wales Australia
    I was faced with the prospect of cutting my husband’s toenails - and a friend suggested i book the local podiatrist !
    I did so - just said it was a “specialist” - my husband likes medical attention- the podiatrist whipped off his shoes - cut and ground the toenails and had him back out the door in 10 minutes flat !! Wow - about $65 for 10 minutes - but I was satisfied :D
     
  3. Mudgee Joy

    Mudgee Joy Registered User

    Dec 26, 2017
    660
    Female
    New South Wales Australia
    Oh @Sad Staffs - it’s a frightening future for us that you paint ! To have to “sort this grumpy miserable man out.”. Things change - I do hope you get a much better future - are there no drugs that help ? One friend I gave whose husband has dementia and was aggressive- has him on some drug that has quietened him a lot - not good I know - but so that you can cope! All the best Mudgee-Joy ((xx))
     
  4. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you. They can’t give him medication for his Alzheimer’s because of his bladder cancer and he has stents in his kidneys. So they are worried about that. He does take Mirtazapine at night and that helps him sleep, so it is a blessing.
    He isn’t always aggressive, sometimes he just sits and stares into the distance. I just wish he had some interest in something other than me. I’m all he has and I have so very little of myself left.
    Goodness, sorry for being such a misery. I’m naturally a quiet happy person, but so much of me has changed.
    Take care, and thank you for your post, love B x
     
  5. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Post arrived, and instead of surgery being in January they are operating on 27 of this month. So, panic sets in. Not enough time to sort things for my husband. Never been in this position before.
    I had talked to my husband about it and he had agreed that respite would be ok, probably for 2 weeks, which is what surgeon suggested. He’s never been away from me before.
    Yesterday I found him looking on his iPad at local care homes. All good.
    Now push comes to shove.... he tells me that he will take me to hospital, he will bring me home, he will be here to look after me.
    I said what about respite? It seems I have made this up, no one has said he has to go away, he can care for us both.
    I got upset, he got angry and aggressive.
    I have phoned and referred it to SS, hopefully they will pull their finger out and help me sort this out.
    Today is the first time he has adamantly said there is nothing wrong with him and that I am making it up.
    Oh dear! Bxx
     
  6. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,286
    Oh sweetheart, this will be sorted, I promise you. Yes, do what the surgeon says, I know you don't like the idea but I think it would be less worry than having him at home with a live-in.
    SS must help sort this out now, they know the homes that do respite and where the vacancies are.
    There is always a possibility that the hospital may have a social worker who could help you: they too know the vacancies and how desperate the position can get.
    All my love, Bxx I would give the world to come and look after you.
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I know you are giving me a hug... thank you Geraldine , not sure what we would do without your logic, kindness, love, humour.... so many things.
    Love B x
     
  8. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    493
    Mississauga
    Hi:

    Thanks so much to everyone. It seems we all have different problems yet somehow they are all the same. I believe that nobody is given more than they can handle. Maybe all this is meant to give me the strength, skills & knowledge to realize that I am capable and need not hide behind others as much as I did.:)
     
  9. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    It’s really difficult getting my husband to accept that he needs respite while I am in hospital and recovering.
    He says yes he will do it. Then in the same breath he says he can stop at home and look after me when I come home! Then he said he understands that he will need to go into care for a short time.
    Now he is saying he will come with me in the taxi, wait with me till I go into theatre, and come home by taxi.
    I might leave him at home in a straight jacket!!!
    What am I to do....
    No sleep last night worrying while he was snoring his head off!!
    Now I’ve got a sore throat, cough and a headache:eek::(:eek:
     
  10. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    472
    North West
    Hi Sad Staffs,

    You know the answer really. He cannot look after himself let alone you after coming out of hospital. Plough ahead with respite whilst nodding and agreeing with his taxi plans.

    Do you think you will have to trick him into the care home? He sounds more aware than my OH who would happily go in for a visit and tuck into tea and cakes for the duration.

    Hopefully you can get yourself sorted and both be back at home, with your new bathroom, in the New Year.
     
  11. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,286
    Darling, the care home staff will be used to this situation and will see he settles in and is distracted. You really can and must leave it to them.
    all love, Geraldine xxx
     
  12. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    493
    Mississauga
    Hi Sad Staffs:

    I so feel for you. It is difficult taking care of them when you are feeling okay but when you are in pain yourself it must be horrendous. No appreciation at all, work your fingers to the bone for them and all you get is a jokers laugh. How awful. Don't leave him alone, its always better to be over cautious than being sorry later (no telling what they get into). My husbands doctor told me he needs 24/7 care and I don't think he is as bad off as yours. I do worry about your husbands aggression though, is the doctor aware of this? I hope you are getting some care for him other than yourself. It's so important to take care of yourself and one way is to not have to stress about his anger and possible aggression against you. It doesn't take long to get out of hand. Make sure his doctor knows about his anger. I'm sure there are ways to manage now before it is too late.

    Take care of yourself. Hope all goes well.
     
  13. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I think if social services eventually get round to talking to us, then between us he will agree. I just need them to tell him that is what needs to happen.
    He has been awful when he has had to go into hospital for his bladder cancer over past 7 years. He bullies the staff if they say he has to stay overnight, he makes the nursing staff lives a misery if they won’t let him come home. So now, he is aware enough to know that staying away, being cared for, is his nightmare. So I’m not surprised he’s fighting against it. What I struggle with is that he says he will, then he says he won’t. Going backwards and forwards. Ever decreasing circles. It’s no wonder I’m pulling my hair out. That and the shower room refurb.
    Yes, a lot of the time he is very aware, then he isn’t. I think I’m the confused one!
    Thanks for your post, love B x
     
  14. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Hi Geraldine
    I might hit him with a feather duster before long. I would have said a rubber hammer, but a bit scared the rubber hammer police might knock on the door!
    I need SS to get stuck in and he will capitulate, but no sign of them today. Just lots of dust from the plasterers....... ah, that’s what the feather duster is for! Much love, Barbara xx
     
  15. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Thank you. I will take care. He was physically aggressive some time ago but that has gone away. Now it is verbal aggression and when I’m strong enough I just walk away. Trouble is if I feel feisty or he touches a raw nerve then I give as good as I get. Then of course I’m ashamed. It’s called a no win situation for us carers!
    Life isn’t easy is it!!
    But thank you for being there, love B x
     
  16. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    I read a post that mentioned they thought their partner was stage 3 or 4.
    I am a novice, I should probably read more leaflets. But how do I work out what stage my husband is?
    He can hold a conversation with others, probably not as smooth and fluent as it used to be, but it makes sense. With me he often forgets the end of the sentence, or sometimes forgets what he wants to say.
    He remembers most things that are happening. What he struggles with are routine things. Like when he gets up I have to sit by him because he won’t know what he needs to do next. If I ask him to take the cups in the kitchen, then he never takes the tray they are standing on.
    He won’t answer the phone, is that because it’s easier not to bother?
    He won’t make a decision, if I give him an either or for dinner then he won’t say what he wants. Same with tea or coffee, it will be whatever you are having. He won’t even decide how many slices of toast he wants.
    He gets verbally aggressive in an instant and for no real reason, usually because something doesn’t suit him, or I could be standing where he doesn’t want.
    He constantly finds fault, even if it is totally unfair.
    There is more, but I’ve sent you to sleep by now!
    Is all this early or middle stage, or is it a mixture? Or what?
    I would really welcome your guidance as I’m confused!
    His balance and mobility are very poor, and he’s incontinent but that might be because of his major bladder and kidney problems. It has come on since he had sepsis, was confused and delusional, very very poorly, and this triggered his Alzheimer’s diagnosis.
    Thanks xx
     
  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    @Sad Staffs, there are a number of ways to describe the stages of dementia. It's only important, if it's important to you, if that makes any sense. The US Alzheimer's society just uses "early, middle, and late" to describe stages. I can post some links for you, if you want, but it can be upsetting reading.

    Everyone is different and will have a somewhat different experience. And the various types of dementia can present quite differently to one another. So you may or may not find the "stages" helpful. Again, if you are interested, I can post some links.

    You must be so stressed about your medical needs and worrying about your husband. I'm sorry that you have so much going on at the moment. I would also urge a respite placement in a care home, but of course you have to do what works best for you. Best wishes.
     
  18. GinnyJan

    GinnyJan Registered User

    Jan 20, 2018
    48
    I read TP as often as is possible and this thread has really resonated with me.
    My husband was diagnosed just over a year ago, although he was struggling for a good while before that. He has always been a very stubborn man and one of his regular sayings was "I shall do exactly as I like, just as I always have".......and he meant it!
    I'm finding his temper tantrums (can't call them anything else) very wearing as they're happening so regularly now. This afternoon, out of the blue, he started shouting and swearing and later informed me that he had rung the police to tell them I'm trespassing and he wanted me gone. Having said to him that I have obviously been trespassing for 40 years as that's how long we've been married, he effed and blinded and told me not to try kidding him as he wasn't born yesterday., he was 50 years old - he's actually 73 though won't admit that either.
    I know it's the illness talking. I know he'll have forgotten it all by the morning but I won't. I'm just so tired of it all, I really wish I could just gather my things and leave. I don't love him any more and that's the first time I've said that. His manners are disgusting. He doesn't shower or brush his teeth and looks daggers at me if I suggest he might do those things.
    My Mum lives with us. She also has dementia but is much more caring than he is though she understands very little of what's going on around her. She has a house that is lying empty at the moment and I would love to take her back there and stay to look after her. She is so much more loving and grateful for anything I do.
    I know I won't leave but I do wonder how long this will go on for and if there's any chance of a happier life in the future. Today I found myself wishing he was dead and I'm so ashamed of that :(
     
  19. GinnyJan

    GinnyJan Registered User

    Jan 20, 2018
    48
    There's no way of getting any respite from the situation as he still works part time in his own business and shows a very different side of himself to others.
     
  20. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,478
    please don't feel ashamed, I.think we all feel the same at some point, I know I do. Does he sleep in his clothes mine does?:eek: Take care. Lx
     

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