I read TP as often as is possible and this thread has really resonated with me.
My husband was diagnosed just over a year ago, although he was struggling for a good while before that. He has always been a very stubborn man and one of his regular sayings was "I shall do exactly as I like, just as I always have".......and he meant it!
I'm finding his temper tantrums (can't call them anything else) very wearing as they're happening so regularly now. This afternoon, out of the blue, he started shouting and swearing and later informed me that he had rung the police to tell them I'm trespassing and he wanted me gone. Having said to him that I have obviously been trespassing for 40 years as that's how long we've been married, he effed and blinded and told me not to try kidding him as he wasn't born yesterday., he was 50 years old - he's actually 73 though won't admit that either.
I know it's the illness talking. I know he'll have forgotten it all by the morning but I won't. I'm just so tired of it all, I really wish I could just gather my things and leave. I don't love him any more and that's the first time I've said that. His manners are disgusting. He doesn't shower or brush his teeth and looks daggers at me if I suggest he might do those things.
My Mum lives with us. She also has dementia but is much more caring than he is though she understands very little of what's going on around her. She has a house that is lying empty at the moment and I would love to take her back there and stay to look after her. She is so much more loving and grateful for anything I do.
I know I won't leave but I do wonder how long this will go on for and if there's any chance of a happier life in the future. Today I found myself wishing he was dead and I'm so ashamed of that
I have not been writing on TP since September. Didn’t know how or when to say the following. This seemed to be the spot. Sorry @SadStaffs for “hijacking” your thread. Your thread reminds me of things I have put on TP also.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my OH since August 24. I have an answer to “Who has stolen my husband?” It’s his “HIS DAUGHTERS”. Yes, I am now alone. No more PWD. I am responding to
@GinnyJan because my husband too had a slogan which I think he told me on our first date 24 years ago. “It’s my way or the highway.” I thought your use of a slogan must be a sign for me to spill my story.
I am now in counseling (my diagnosis is transitional dysfunction…meaning I am transitioning into (another!) new life.) When I told her my OH slogan she said, “And you married him anyway? Oh, you must have thought you were going to change him.” I responded that he didn’t stick to it that much, or for sure, I would have left him. But when he got sick it was so bad yet I still wasn’t going to leave him.
OH was diagnosed almost a year ago also. He also has physical handicaps that put him in a wheelchair just over a year ago. It’s akin to Parkinson’s. No tremor, just not being able to walk. His arms were affected also so bringing food to his mouth was becoming challenging. Incontinence was beginning. It’s all brain related. He went into a home in June. Not my decision.
In the past 18 months he had threatened to divorce me about 4 times. The counselor says his My-Way-or-Highway attitude perpetuated some of this. I most always went along with his ways because I am flexible and easy-going, and most of all, didn’t mind his way. However, when his way became dangerous and mostly just plain stupid, I had to take over. The loss of his feeling in control, and now I’m in control, is just too much for him to be complacent about and in fact, causes extreme anger.
@canary reminded me of this often.
And then there’s the paranoia. Even I wasn’t able to see that in the dementia, but the counselor did. She pointed out to me how common that is and with OH’s daughters lurking, and their NOT being the bad guy who told him No all the time, he began to complain to them about me. (They even told me to stop talking down to him, or I was treating him like a child. That’s why TP has helped me so much because I know I was no different than other carers.) One day OH liked me, the next day he didn't. I believe they pounced on him on the "I hate her" day and said, Let's get rid of her then. We can manage you better.
It is impossible for him to act alone in changing Power of Attorney, but I discovered that happened. An email with so much venom and hatred arrived about 4 days after that from his oldest daughter. (I had stayed away from OH during those 4 days and surprisingly he never called me either so he knew I was aware of this monumental change in our relationship.) She said her dad was divorcing me in a week or 2. Needless to say, I was shocked. Our last encounter was with my grandchildren visiting him and I kissed him goodbye with a promise to "see you later."
But divorce papers were drawn up and delivered to my door. It’s not pleasant being divorced by a step-daughter. We were married 22 years. My Son #2 is an attorney and has been handling my side. No member of my family has spoken to him or his family since August 24. OH has texted Son#1 asking how I am. Son didn’t respond. I told him to say, “This is how my mom is: beautiful, kind, passionate, loving, full-of-life, fun to be around, vivacious, incredible, wonderful, patient, giving, supportive, generous, and more! How are you?” Sons and I are confident our numbers have been deleted and blocked from his phone.
Ah, yes, the reason for the divorce? Simply dementia. He is not capable of making rational decisions. Oh, and there’s his will which we wrote before he got sick. I was to inherit everything and he would inherit all from me. Can he change that now? He might try, but I could contest it due to his diagnosis. Hmm, is there another way to invalidate the will? In my area, the only way is through a divorce. Ta da. There is not a lot of money. It will all be spent on care anyway. I didn't need it. I would have liked to keep my house, but I'm not sure yet if that can happen.
So in my grief, and yes, I’m in serious grief, I read TP and see what I am “missing.” I told my counselor I feel I have “Survivor’s Guilt.” I wasn’t the one who got sick (yet) and OH is 10 years older than me, and I feel that I have survived the carer role in the best scenario possible.
I will close this novelette with an exercise my counselor gave me. 1. Write down the traits you liked about him. 2. Write down the traits you didn’t like about him. 3. Write down what he did or said that hurt you. #3 contained notes that he was PWD on most of them. When I read the lists out loud to her, I cried a river ONLY at #1. She said, “That’s because those are the traits you lost.”