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Who has stolen my husband?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Sad Staffs, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    I think I wrote this post @GinnyJan .... apart from your Mom, and how I wish I had my Mom, with or without dementia.
    My husband is also 73. Everything you say happens here, although we haven’t got to the stage of him calling the police as he can’t use his mobile phone anymore and refuses to answer the house phone. I think he can’t work out which button to press.
    I’d love to come and live as your lodger with you and your Mom.
    The stage we are at, you and I, where our husbands are not seen as severe enough for a care home, are just living their lives. I don’t have a life anymore, but I’m there with you, sending love and willing you and I strength to carry on.
    Love B xx
  2. GinnyJan

    GinnyJan Registered User

    Jan 20, 2018
    Hello there B - you made me smile offering to come and live with Mum and me, you’d be most welcome and perhaps both husbands could live together and see how they like it
    Thank you for the love and strength, I suspect we will both need it for the foreseeable future. At least we all have someone we can be ourselves with on here - it does help, it really does.
    Love to you and everyone needing a hug just now xx
  3. mobton

    mobton Registered User

    Oct 6, 2015
  4. mobton

    mobton Registered User

    Oct 6, 2015
    I c
    I can relate to this so much . I had a fall today - I’m ok but in quite a bit of pain and I just want my lovely husband to look after me - but he can’t anymore and has ended up just shouting at me for not being sympathetic to him ! I just want someone to come and either wind the clock back to where he wouldn’t have been able to do enough for me if something like this had happened or just beam me up !!
    Never mind tomorrow is another day - the problem is he won’t be any different - I miss him so much !
  5. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Waiting for builders. Up early to move car then sort my husband out. Got a chesty cough and cold. Wheezing. In pain, just hope surgery on 27th helps take it away.
    I know I’m not in a good mood. I’ve snapped at my husband sitting waiting for his cup of tea, while I’m in kitchen emptying dishwasher and making his tea and porridge. So he talks to me. He can’t be bothered to get up and I have to stop what I’m doing to see what he wants. I snapped, he got verbally aggressive, starts pulling me about. Shouting in my face. Perhaps I deserve it because I am not in a good mood.
    What a life.
    Off to GP today to see if he can help me sort respite for when I’m in hospital.
    Now, of course, there is an atmosphere. He’s not talking to me. I think I’m pleased about that at moment.
    It’s never going to end. Never going to be happy again, never laugh. Neither of us, not just me. Feeling rough today. Sorry folks, but getting it off my chest xx
  6. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Dear @mobton
    So sorry about your fall and your pain. I really understand how you feel.
    My husband has always been there for me. It’s so hard to realise that they aren’t there to do that anymore.
    When I started this post ‘who has stolen my husband ‘ I had no idea it would resonate with so many. So many of us are in the same boat, struggling without a paddle.
    Take care of yourself, thinking of you, and sending love, B xx
  7. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    South of the Border
    My boat has no paddle and has sprung a leak.......keep going round in circles, send for the RNLI !!
  8. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    It does feel like drowning... and I do know that feeling! I went swimming with dolphins some years ago and the friendly, I say friendly!!, dolphin swam off with me at huge speed and dumped me in the deep end!
    I’m not a good swimmer, so floundered around.... thinking, well, this is it!!
    Luckily the dolphin keepers came to my rescue. I swear the dolphin was laughing! Bx
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    No, you do not deserve it. I know this life feels like it is a punishment for something or other, but it isn't. Please please don't think that being human and normal needs punishing darling. Please. All my love, Geraldinexxx
  10. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    I thought you all would be pleased to know that I’m a wee bit less grumpy than this morning.
    Builders have gone for the weekend.
    Shower looking really good, so far.....really pleased:)
    Heating on.
    Surgery manager has pushed social services for action, although none yet!
    Husband sitting snoozing in warmth.

    All peace and quiet.... ahhhhh:)

    Now a smile!

    I am absolutely terrified of spiders, absolutely absolutely terrified, and we really get some whoppers.
    So two big burly builders yesterday needed to access the loft, dropped the hatch and I was sitting in the living room and heard two loud squeals.
    I went out to see why.
    Two large men standing at top of stairs begging me to catch a whopper of a spider that had been sitting on the drop down hatch when he opened it.
    I said b....r off!! Squish it yourself.
    I can’t kill it he said, get me a glass and a piece of paper.
    So I said where is the spider?
    It’s on the run he said!
    Glass, paper, out the window it went. Him, not me, I can’t get that close!
    Now I’m thinking it’s probably already back inside somewhere:eek:o_O

    Love to all, and sorry I was such a grump this morning xx
  11. AliceinWonderland

    AliceinWonderland New member

    Nov 9, 2018
    Hello everyone. I'm new to this list today. My partner has Lewy Body Dementia. He is currently in hospital for various infections. As one gets treated another one is identified. Am I sad. Yes. Is there still some humour. Yes. Good thing - getting in touch with old friends. Not great to give them the news but a chance to check in with them before it's too late to communicate. Good thing - getting the house sorted out, assuming that he will be coming home but needing different space. Not so good thing - not making it in to work. Wondering if work can continue. Should it continue. So much to think about.
  12. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    I had to take the car to the garage just to get a rear light replaced. Two mechanics took the cover off and ran out onto the forecourt screaming because they had found a 2" across black spider nestled inside. The boss came to see what the fuss was and backed off into the office. Wee Me to the rescue (I have no fear of spiders) picked the spider up in cupped hands and rehomed it in a hedge across the street. Bulb replaced and "No Charge" on condition that I didn't tell anyone local about the 3 brawny fearties :)
  13. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Love it....hahaha
    Where do you live? I need you to come round and adopt my whoppers during August, September and October. And now obviously in November :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
    One whopper did get into my bed a couple of years ago, I must have turned over and squished it with my leg. It bit me. I still have the fang holes and a lump. I took pictures of the blood spread on the sheet. His body was on the floor, his legs still in bed. It still gives me nightmares :(:(
  14. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Hello @AliceinWonderland
    There is so much for you to think about, worry about, and none of it comes easily. We all find ourselves in a situation we just don’t want. So much of our future has been snatched away from us.
    I only joined TP in the summer, and I have learned so much, had so much support and comfort. If there is a blessing then it is being able to express your feelings on here, and someone will always be there to offer support and guidance.
    Take care, thinking of you, B x
  15. imsoblue

    imsoblue Registered User

    Feb 19, 2018
    I have not been writing on TP since September. Didn’t know how or when to say the following. This seemed to be the spot. Sorry @SadStaffs for “hijacking” your thread. Your thread reminds me of things I have put on TP also.

    I haven’t seen or spoken to my OH since August 24. I have an answer to “Who has stolen my husband?” It’s his “HIS DAUGHTERS”. Yes, I am now alone. No more PWD. I am responding to @GinnyJan because my husband too had a slogan which I think he told me on our first date 24 years ago. “It’s my way or the highway.” I thought your use of a slogan must be a sign for me to spill my story.

    I am now in counseling (my diagnosis is transitional dysfunction…meaning I am transitioning into (another!) new life.) When I told her my OH slogan she said, “And you married him anyway? Oh, you must have thought you were going to change him.” I responded that he didn’t stick to it that much, or for sure, I would have left him. But when he got sick it was so bad yet I still wasn’t going to leave him.

    OH was diagnosed almost a year ago also. He also has physical handicaps that put him in a wheelchair just over a year ago. It’s akin to Parkinson’s. No tremor, just not being able to walk. His arms were affected also so bringing food to his mouth was becoming challenging. Incontinence was beginning. It’s all brain related. He went into a home in June. Not my decision.

    In the past 18 months he had threatened to divorce me about 4 times. The counselor says his My-Way-or-Highway attitude perpetuated some of this. I most always went along with his ways because I am flexible and easy-going, and most of all, didn’t mind his way. However, when his way became dangerous and mostly just plain stupid, I had to take over. The loss of his feeling in control, and now I’m in control, is just too much for him to be complacent about and in fact, causes extreme anger. @canary reminded me of this often.

    And then there’s the paranoia. Even I wasn’t able to see that in the dementia, but the counselor did. She pointed out to me how common that is and with OH’s daughters lurking, and their NOT being the bad guy who told him No all the time, he began to complain to them about me. (They even told me to stop talking down to him, or I was treating him like a child. That’s why TP has helped me so much because I know I was no different than other carers.) One day OH liked me, the next day he didn't. I believe they pounced on him on the "I hate her" day and said, Let's get rid of her then. We can manage you better.

    It is impossible for him to act alone in changing Power of Attorney, but I discovered that happened. An email with so much venom and hatred arrived about 4 days after that from his oldest daughter. (I had stayed away from OH during those 4 days and surprisingly he never called me either so he knew I was aware of this monumental change in our relationship.) She said her dad was divorcing me in a week or 2. Needless to say, I was shocked. Our last encounter was with my grandchildren visiting him and I kissed him goodbye with a promise to "see you later."

    But divorce papers were drawn up and delivered to my door. It’s not pleasant being divorced by a step-daughter. We were married 22 years. My Son #2 is an attorney and has been handling my side. No member of my family has spoken to him or his family since August 24. OH has texted Son#1 asking how I am. Son didn’t respond. I told him to say, “This is how my mom is: beautiful, kind, passionate, loving, full-of-life, fun to be around, vivacious, incredible, wonderful, patient, giving, supportive, generous, and more! How are you?” Sons and I are confident our numbers have been deleted and blocked from his phone.

    Ah, yes, the reason for the divorce? Simply dementia. He is not capable of making rational decisions. Oh, and there’s his will which we wrote before he got sick. I was to inherit everything and he would inherit all from me. Can he change that now? He might try, but I could contest it due to his diagnosis. Hmm, is there another way to invalidate the will? In my area, the only way is through a divorce. Ta da. There is not a lot of money. It will all be spent on care anyway. I didn't need it. I would have liked to keep my house, but I'm not sure yet if that can happen.

    So in my grief, and yes, I’m in serious grief, I read TP and see what I am “missing.” I told my counselor I feel I have “Survivor’s Guilt.” I wasn’t the one who got sick (yet) and OH is 10 years older than me, and I feel that I have survived the carer role in the best scenario possible.

    I will close this novelette with an exercise my counselor gave me. 1. Write down the traits you liked about him. 2. Write down the traits you didn’t like about him. 3. Write down what he did or said that hurt you. #3 contained notes that he was PWD on most of them. When I read the lists out loud to her, I cried a river ONLY at #1. She said, “That’s because those are the traits you lost.”
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello @imsoblue
    Its good to hear from you again, even though the news is very mixed. Im glad you are receiving counseling - its going to take a while to adjust and you are grieving.
    If its any consolation I think that his daughters will eventually discover that they have a tiger by the tail
    Look after yourself
  17. CatAM

    CatAM New member

    Oct 2, 2018
    I can also relate to your post re the fighting and accusing you of taking over. I try to get him to keep doing things, but he can't remember how to make jam even though he's been making it for over 40 years, he can't remember how to plant potatoes .... my fault apparently. If I try to help, I'm taking over. I really want him to keep doing things but so difficult when he seems to be losing all confidence. We are still in the middle of the diagnosis process although the consultant has told me it will be a dementia outcome. If my husband could just admit there is a problem I'm sure he would find it easier, and every day would not be a battle. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. He knows what is ahead as his mother was in a nursing home for 10 years with the same disease. He does know there is a problem as he is withdrawing from company as he struggles if there are more than a couple of friends. He just can't keep up with the conversation. I just hope when we wake up that this day might be one of the better days.
  18. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello @CatAM and welcome to Talking Point.
    Unfortunately, one of the symptoms of dementia is an inability to understand that you are having problems.My OH has this and that is why I gt the accusations - he doesnt realise that he is having problems doing things, but he realises that it all seems to go wrong - therefore it must be my fault :rolleyes:. Im afraid that when OH gets in one of those moods I just allow him to fail and keep out of his way when he gets into a temper. Having difficulty doing things that they have done for years and also difficulty following conversations are very common with dementia.
  19. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Hi @CatAM
    Thank you for your post. I’m glad you have found some of the posts useful and I know from experience that it is good to realise that you are not alone, so many of us are experiencing the same or similar issues.
    I think dementia sometimes confuses the carer. Many times I look at my husband and wonder whether he is winding me up, just being idle and lazy, and definitely just being difficult and aggressive for the sake of it. But then he does something that would be so simple and he can’t do it, or grasp it.
    We are going through a stage where my husband is trying to prove that he can do what he has always done. I think this is being prompted by me going into hospital and he knows he won’t be around to care for me as I’m trying to book him in for two weeks respite. He’s fighting against it. It’s bringing out additional aggression. He’s being cruel and spiteful, but I guess I know why. It doesn’t make it any easier.
    I don’t think they can admit they are in the wrong, or say sorry, or ask for help. Inside somewhere my husband is still that strong person that took care of me, was always there to protect me. Now he knows but can’t admit that he can’t do those things. It’s role reversal, and it’s hard for us both.
    Take care of yourself. Always visit TP, you will find comfort, support and advice. It has been so important for me.
    Thinking of you, B x
  20. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    Hello @imsoblue
    I read your post and I am lost for words.
    What a distressing time you are going through. I wish I could offer you words of comfort.
    I can only say that I hope you can begin to work through the issues one by one, and things start to get better. I just reread my reply and I’m sorry it’s so unhelpful.
    All I can add is that I’m thinking about you and I hope that things begin to improve and there is light at the end of the tunnel for you.
    Take care B xx

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