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Who has stolen my husband?

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
613
Devon
Stupid thread, but I’m sitting here trying to be patient, looking at the man I’ve been with for nearly 50 years and wondering where he has gone?
When did all this really start?
Why him?
Why me?
What have we done to deserve this?
It’s breaking my heart?
I can’t believe that tomorrow could be worse than today.
That it can’t get easier than today, and today is so hard.
Life can be so cruel.
I am not sure who has him, but I want him back.
He’s mine....
I really do know how you feel. I’ve stopped looking at old photos as this distresses me too much. Our marriage of 25 years had so much promise and those photos show a woman extremely articulate and able to organise, boss me around in a loving way, support me in all our decisions. Now she struggles with the game of snakes and ladders. It’s also the underlying anticipation that matters are going to get worse and not knowing when it’s going to happen. I’ve often asked myself why me but that just increases my resentment at all the things I wanted to do and can’t. We’ve done nothing to deserve it , those who have escaped it so far need to be very, very grateful. I don’t now remember what my wife was like before the dementia took hold. It’s been 4 years since the first symptoms and this reality wipes away the memory of what we lived like as normal people. How I long for those years to be back. Bless you.
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
420
Sheffield
I’m on holiday this week at nidd hall a Warner holiday, what gorgeous weather can’t believe it! Anyway OH doesn’t get any easier he used to be good at table tennis they have one outside in the garden I said shall we play? He couldn’t hit the ball back to me it wasn’t his fault it was the bats, the balls and the table that wasn’t any good! According to him the entertainment is rubbish even the dining table had something wrong with it! At least the weather is fab!
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I have been keeping my head down for weeks now trying to come to terms with how things are.
I guess I’ve been learning how to manage our life as it is now.
I have been trying to understand how dementia is affecting my husband, and how this is impacting on us and on me.
I try not to think about what our life should be like, and all the plans we made, that have been taken away from us.
I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I feel so very sad when I look at my husband and see the shadow of the man I have loved for a lifetime.
I’ve said before that I’m very good at burying my head in the sand.
But our life is such that I can’t do that with my husbands dementia. I have to face it.
I can’t expect anyone to change things, and I can’t expect things to get better.
I know they won’t get better, but I feel I’m more in control.
I know I will never be in full control of our situation, because I don’t want things as they are.
But I can’t change them either, so I have to face things the best that I can.
I know that the antidepressants are helping me.
I don’t react or respond so much.
Yes, I still do let fly, but rarely.
Yes, I feel life is cruel and unfair, but I know that there are so many people in my situation, and many who are in far worse situations.
I dread things getting worse for either of us.
I dread the day when he doesn’t know me.
I dread something happening to me.... what would happen to my husband?
But I look at my husband and I know that I still love him as much as I ever have.
He has always been and still is my life.
B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,812
Hi, there it is good to have you back posting. My whole concern like you is that I will be here for him, our love runs deep too. Facing the reality as you are doing does help, just concentrating on the priority. Of course we are unable to be totally in control. So we just have to try to be in control of what we can, mainly how we respond, easier to say than to do.
Someone said expectations lead to disappointment, that is true.
I have tried to put a few things in place but at the end of the day who knows.
We have to keep plodding on!
My own circumstances are making me let go of what I was taking for granted. Much love B, x
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,668
80
East of England
@Sad Staffs all you say reflects many of my feelings. My husband is a dear man and still expresses love for me and I for him but it is not the same as before and how can it be? How one can still help him to keep some masculine dignity when all his abilities are gone is a puzzle difficult to solve. He is starting to suffer unless he is in bed, and even the daily life he got pleasure from is no longer there.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hi, there it is good to have you back posting. My whole concern like you is that I will be here for him, our love runs deep too. Facing the reality as you are doing does help, just concentrating on the priority. Of course we are unable to be totally in control. So we just have to try to be in control of what we can, mainly how we respond, easier to say than to do.
Someone said expectations lead to disappointment, that is true.
I have tried to put a few things in place but at the end of the day who knows.
We have to keep plodding on!
My own circumstances are making me let go of what I was taking for granted. Much love B, x
Hi Alice, it’s really good to talk to you, and know how you are.
I understand your concern about being there for your husband. As time goes on I seem to be getting less able physically, and more able mentally. I have so much more to do for our life to continue as smoothly as possible, but it is getting harder by the week.
I just wish that my husband would think about me or consider me occasionally, but that has gone, somewhere, who knows where! I don’t blame myself anymore, I know I am handling things better, and every time I lapse I know why and try to learn from it.
I feel I have gone through a tunnel and come out into a dull grey day. There isn’t any sunshine in our life anymore. But I can live with that. It’s what is to come that I’m terrified of. When I cannot handle our life anymore.
Please take care of yourself Alice, thinking of you, love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
@Sad Staffs all you say reflects many of my feelings. My husband is a dear man and still expresses love for me and I for him but it is not the same as before and how can it be? How one can still help him to keep some masculine dignity when all his abilities are gone is a puzzle difficult to solve. He is starting to suffer unless he is in bed, and even the daily life he got pleasure from is no longer there.
Hi @Grahamstown
Thank you for your message. You and I are lucky that we know our husbands still love us. I know it is shown in a very different way than it was. But we are grateful to take the morsels we are given.
I get upset about how much dignity my husband has lost. He is permanently urinary incontinent and he cannot fit his own pads, so I do them five times a day. The big proud man he was would be so distressed if he had known that his life would come to this. But he and I have got used to it. It is now the norm.
I feel for you and understand about the lack of daily pleasure. My husband spends his day sitting, dozing, staring out of the window, or watching tv. He has so little in his life, only me. And thereby hangs another tale. I feel I have to spend most of my waking day with him, otherwise he has nothing. I need some space to keep our life running, but time to myself is hard to get now.
Take care of yourself, love B xx
 

Runragged

Registered User
Feb 7, 2019
17
I know what you mean sad staff we probably all have mixed emotions as the loved ones we know are being taken from us bit by painful bit. I feel so guilty when I stand outside her house and wish it was any other door I was going through and what sort of Mum I’m going to find behind it. Deep breaths that’s what I say but it only helps a little look after yourself and keep strong x
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
New South Wales Australia
Dear @Sad Staffs , @Grahamstown and all you other good people - I do agree with your words above - I have been struggling through the past weeks with my husband becoming more unwell and weaker - but I still love him and fear the future without him-
a nice quote from Henry Thoreau that heartened me:
“However mean your life is, meet it and live it. Love your life poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant thrilling glorious hours even in a poor house. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich mans house.’

I know he wasnt thinking of a situation like ours - but it is good to find the positives and take note of the pleasant unexpected moments.
Love and hugs MJ
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,413
I have been keeping my head down for weeks now trying to come to terms with how things are.
I guess I’ve been learning how to manage our life as it is now.
I have been trying to understand how dementia is affecting my husband, and how this is impacting on us and on me.
I try not to think about what our life should be like, and all the plans we made, that have been taken away from us.
I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I feel so very sad when I look at my husband and see the shadow of the man I have loved for a lifetime.
I’ve said before that I’m very good at burying my head in the sand.
But our life is such that I can’t do that with my husbands dementia. I have to face it.
I can’t expect anyone to change things, and I can’t expect things to get better.
I know they won’t get better, but I feel I’m more in control.
I know I will never be in full control of our situation, because I don’t want things as they are.
But I can’t change them either, so I have to face things the best that I can.
I know that the antidepressants are helping me.
I don’t react or respond so much.
Yes, I still do let fly, but rarely.
Yes, I feel life is cruel and unfair, but I know that there are so many people in my situation, and many who are in far worse situations.
I dread things getting worse for either of us.
I dread the day when he doesn’t know me.
I dread something happening to me.... what would happen to my husband?
But I look at my husband and I know that I still love him as much as I ever have.
He has always been and still is my life.
B xx
This is such a moving post, B, and I do understand how you are now more in control. I doubt whether Keith knows me, in the sense we would understand it, knowledge of relationships, being a wife and husband, is a knowledge that often goes quickly. But Keith certainly knows I am someone who is there to be with him, and someone to give little smiles to now and then. And as my son says when constantly asked, does he know who you are? No, but I know who he is ...
I have missed you posting so very much.
with love and best, Geraldinexxx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
This is such a moving post, B, and I do understand how you are now more in control. I doubt whether Keith knows me, in the sense we would understand it, knowledge of relationships, being a wife and husband, is a knowledge that often goes quickly. But Keith certainly knows I am someone who is there to be with him, and someone to give little smiles to now and then. And as my son says when constantly asked, does he know who you are? No, but I know who he is ...
I have missed you posting so very much.
with love and best, Geraldinexxx
Hi Geraldine
Firstly I do hope so much that you are starting to recover and I hope your energy levels increase very soon.
When I had my surgery last November, I realised that I’m no longer a spring chicken, I felt tired and out of sorts. The problem for me was that I didn't bounce back like my mind said I should!
Please take care, look after yourself, you are precious to so many of us.

I loved your comment ..... ‘No, but I know who he is’. What a profound statement. One that will help me, when the time comes.
I have missed you Geraldine during my absence from TP, my fault entirely.
It is good to be talking to you.
Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,812
Dear @Sad Staffs , @Grahamstown and all you other good people - I do agree with your words above - I have been struggling through the past weeks with my husband becoming more unwell and weaker - but I still love him and fear the future without him-
a nice quote from Henry Thoreau that heartened me:
“However mean your life is, meet it and live it. Love your life poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant thrilling glorious hours even in a poor house. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich mans house.’

I know he wasnt thinking of a situation like ours - but it is good to find the positives and take note of the pleasant unexpected moments.
Love and hugs MJ
Wise words, x
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I know what you mean sad staff we probably all have mixed emotions as the loved ones we know are being taken from us bit by painful bit. I feel so guilty when I stand outside her house and wish it was any other door I was going through and what sort of Mum I’m going to find behind it. Deep breaths that’s what I say but it only helps a little look after yourself and keep strong x
Thank you.... I feel for you so much. Losing your Mum in the way that you are is so hard. My Mom didn’t have dementia but it was so distressing knowing that I was losing the person who had always made me better.
Take care of yourself, with love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Dear @Sad Staffs , @Grahamstown and all you other good people - I do agree with your words above - I have been struggling through the past weeks with my husband becoming more unwell and weaker - but I still love him and fear the future without him-
a nice quote from Henry Thoreau that heartened me:
“However mean your life is, meet it and live it. Love your life poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant thrilling glorious hours even in a poor house. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich mans house.’

I know he wasnt thinking of a situation like ours - but it is good to find the positives and take note of the pleasant unexpected moments.
Love and hugs MJ
Thank you for your post @Mudgee Joy and for the pertinent quote of Henry Thoreau. I’m sorry you are struggling, it’s so tough watching the person we love disappearing before us. I do understand how you feel.
I wonder whether we will ever be happy or content again?
Please take care, thinking of you, love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,812
Hi Alice, it’s really good to talk to you, and know how you are.
I understand your concern about being there for your husband. As time goes on I seem to be getting less able physically, and more able mentally. I have so much more to do for our life to continue as smoothly as possible, but it is getting harder by the week.
I just wish that my husband would think about me or consider me occasionally, but that has gone, somewhere, who knows where! I don’t blame myself anymore, I know I am handling things better, and every time I lapse I know why and try to learn from it.
I feel I have gone through a tunnel and come out into a dull grey day. There isn’t any sunshine in our life anymore. But I can live with that. It’s what is to come that I’m terrified of. When I cannot handle our life anymore.
Please take care of yourself Alice, thinking of you, love B xx
Well the sun is there, the clouds get in the way let's hope that the chink in the cloud let the sun through to us.
Yes, the problem with aging is that physically it is harder, I do work hard to keep things running like you do too. In many ways though I am becoming a tiger wife protecting the love of my life. Mind, there are times when I think I could do with a bit of care too. I am sure my husband would if he could.
it is a kind of blindness.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I really do know how you feel. I’ve stopped looking at old photos as this distresses me too much. Our marriage of 25 years had so much promise and those photos show a woman extremely articulate and able to organise, boss me around in a loving way, support me in all our decisions. Now she struggles with the game of snakes and ladders. It’s also the underlying anticipation that matters are going to get worse and not knowing when it’s going to happen. I’ve often asked myself why me but that just increases my resentment at all the things I wanted to do and can’t. We’ve done nothing to deserve it , those who have escaped it so far need to be very, very grateful. I don’t now remember what my wife was like before the dementia took hold. It’s been 4 years since the first symptoms and this reality wipes away the memory of what we lived like as normal people. How I long for those years to be back. Bless you.
Hello @Dutchman I’m so sorry it has taken me an age to respond, but sometimes I hide away and lick my wounds, and sometimes that means that I don’t log on to TP as it can be too raw and honest. I hope you can understand.
Yes, it is so hard seeing such strong, articulate, capable and bossy people become dependant, self obsessed, incapable, and physically weak. They just disappear from our lives very slowly. They are there, but they aren’t there are they, at least not how we want them to be, and not how they should be.
I dread the future and what is going to happen. It’s also the not knowing. Nobody knows. How can we cope when we have no idea what tomorrow, next week, next year will bring?
My husband has a life, most of the time he is in his own world and I’m there caring for him. I’m his buffer. But at the moment, and certainly not for the foreseeable future, I don’t have a life because my husband is my whole life, and without him I am nothing. Without me he would be lost.
Perhaps one day I will be me again, but I can’t see that, as there is far too much water to go under the bridge before I find myself again.
Take care, love B xx
 

Francy

Registered User
Dec 3, 2018
70
Co Down
I have been keeping my head down for weeks now trying to come to terms with how things are.
I guess I’ve been learning how to manage our life as it is now.
I have been trying to understand how dementia is affecting my husband, and how this is impacting on us and on me.
I try not to think about what our life should be like, and all the plans we made, that have been taken away from us.
I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I feel so very sad when I look at my husband and see the shadow of the man I have loved for a lifetime.
I’ve said before that I’m very good at burying my head in the sand.
But our life is such that I can’t do that with my husbands dementia. I have to face it.
I can’t expect anyone to change things, and I can’t expect things to get better.
I know they won’t get better, but I feel I’m more in control.
I know I will never be in full control of our situation, because I don’t want things as they are.
But I can’t change them either, so I have to face things the best that I can.
I know that the antidepressants are helping me.
I don’t react or respond so much.
Yes, I still do let fly, but rarely.
Yes, I feel life is cruel and unfair, but I know that there are so many people in my situation, and many who are in far worse situations.
I dread things getting worse for either of us.
I dread the day when he doesn’t know me.
I dread something happening to me.... what would happen to my husband?
But I look at my husband and I know that I still love him as much as I ever have.
He has always been and still is my life.
B xx
Hello and how are you? I could have written all of that myself as you have just explained my situation (except my doctor hasn't give me a to depressants, I'm waiting for counselling). Life is just so sad and oh so difficult. How very tired we all get just trying to manage. The fear, the dread,the frustration and we know it will only get worse. I so wish I could give you words of comfort, I can't. Know this though, you are doing a wonderful job and you are there each and every day caring for the man you love and you have more strength than you know, you will survive and if you're like me I only wish for a peaceful quiet place to go and luck my wounds and heal. Take care B, you are one amazing person. XXXX Francy
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Hello and how are you? I could have written all of that myself as you have just explained my situation (except my doctor hasn't give me a to depressants, I'm waiting for counselling). Life is just so sad and oh so difficult. How very tired we all get just trying to manage. The fear, the dread,the frustration and we know it will only get worse. I so wish I could give you words of comfort, I can't. Know this though, you are doing a wonderful job and you are there each and every day caring for the man you love and you have more strength than you know, you will survive and if you're like me I only wish for a peaceful quiet place to go and luck my wounds and heal. Take care B, you are one amazing person. XXXX Francy
Hi @Francy, it’s really good to talk to you.
I hope the counselling helps you. I was against taking any antidepressants as I felt it could dull my thinking and I feel I really need to be on the ball. But I was persuaded that antidepressants are very different these days and so I agreed. They have helped me, but I know they are not for everyone.
You are right about our lives being such hard work and how tired we get. I forget that I’m nearly 74, no spring chicken, but having to cope with our life for the two of us. There is so much for us to do, isn’t there.
I do appreciate the kind words Francy, please take care of yourself.
With love, B xx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
613
Devon
Hello @Dutchman I’m so sorry it has taken me an age to respond, but sometimes I hide away and lick my wounds, and sometimes that means that I don’t log on to TP as it can be too raw and honest. I hope you can understand.
Yes, it is so hard seeing such strong, articulate, capable and bossy people become dependant, self obsessed, incapable, and physically weak. They just disappear from our lives very slowly. They are there, but they aren’t there are they, at least not how we want them to be, and not how they should be.
I dread the future and what is going to happen. It’s also the not knowing. Nobody knows. How can we cope when we have no idea what tomorrow, next week, next year will bring?
My husband has a life, most of the time he is in his own world and I’m there caring for him. I’m his buffer. But at the moment, and certainly not for the foreseeable future, I don’t have a life because my husband is my whole life, and without him I am nothing. Without me he would be lost.
Perhaps one day I will be me again, but I can’t see that, as there is far too much water to go under the bridge before I find myself again.
Take care, love B xx
Hi there. Thanks for your reply. Just a moan today to just really speak to someone else. Friday I had an appointment at the hospital, planned to leave 1 hour before my appointment but no, my wife wants to leave 3 hours before and no amount of reasoning stops her just sitting in the car waiting to go. We therefore get there 3 hours before I’m seen and the appointment was late.grrrrr! Today we go to a shop some way away for a treat for her but almost as soon as she’s there wants to go home. Now looking at the tv asleep. I’m finding that I’m getting angry more often and I’ve never been like this. I just explode sometimes with the sheer frustration of it all and I’m worried that I’ll remain an angry guy without any resources for patience. Dementia has really brought my horrible side out and it worries me. I’d like to think that not everyone out there is a natural kind and sympathetic person that shows up my failings