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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
Dimentia is such a cruel illness in so may ways isn't it. Sounds like you had an awful day, but you got through it all the same. Your mum sound just like mine, proud, stubborn and anyoying, but above all else so disorientated and confused.
My mum's funeral is on Tuesday, she's at peace from torment and pain, but I remember her as she was once upon a time and always will
I'm so sorry to read about your mum x I'm glad you remember as she once was x sending you lots of love for Tuesday and every day xxx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
It is very hard , Mum wasn’t really in to cleaning but I was and I found it incredibly difficult , when they went on holiday I would go up and thoroughly clean everywhere . My Mil was always a fastidious cleaner but even she now says life too short, it will still be there tom . It isn’t ideal but I think you need to pick your battles , what you do is so very hard that if you can make life a little easier for you both then do it . I’m sure all the carers are quite used to it and would happily put the hoover round / wipe down wether they were taken on for that job or not, they should have the skills to help encourage mum . I have same battles about mum washing and changing clothes, some weeks fine others not but my hubby says “stop worrying about it , she is reasonable healthy and eating and drinking , that’s as much as I can ask for now . Sending lots of hugs and strength , please don’t be hard on yourself , you give so much , do so much and are incredibly kind and caring , but dementia just keeps on taking , the rules are changing constantly . You are doing amazing . 🤗 🤗
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
My sister rang mum for her weekly chat this morning but it wan’t good call. Mum opened straight away with I’m making a will and you’re getting nothing. You told (my hubby) I shouldn’t be going to Andreas all the time, what have you done for me? She wouldn’t listen to sis, just told her again she was getting nothing, Sis said I don’t want anything, I’d rather have you and Mum scoffed and said I’m going and hung up!
i think this comes from SW meeting early this year when sis said afterwards that I shouldn’t be there all time and should be able spend some time with hubby on my Own and few days later mum said sis had told her she couldn’t come to mine anymore which wasn’t true. Seems she’s remembered it again.
Sis said she wasn’t bothered for her she knows its the dementia but she’s sorry she didn’t get to talk to her about anything nice to cheer her up. She’s very stoic my sister bless her but I know it did bother her a little as she has asked me to tell her what mum says about her today.
We go over bit later on weekends so just about to ring and go but not looking forward to day as if she started off in confused angry mood then rest of day doesn't bode well.
 
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Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
344
Oh bless, thinking of you all today.
Remember it’s not your fault, hubby’s fault or mums fault...it’s the illness.
Hoping today has some good times for you all.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,607
cornwall
My sister rang mum for her weekly chat this morning but it wan’t good call. Mum opened straight away with I’m making a will and you’re getting nothing. You told (my hubby) I shouldn’t be going to Andreas all the time, what have you done for me? She wouldn’t listen to sis, just told her again she was getting nothing, Sis said I don’t want anything, I’d rather have her and she scoffed and said I’m going and hung up!
i think this comes from SW meeting early this year when sis said afterwards that I shouldn’t be there all time and should be able spend some time with hubby on my Own and few days later mum said sis had told her she couldn’t come to mine anymore which wasn’t true. Seems she’s remembered it again.
Sis said she wasn’t bothered for her she knows its the dementia but she’s sorry she didn’t get to talk to her about anything nice to cheer her up. She’s very stoic my sister bless her but I know it did bother her a little as she has asked me to tell her what mum says about her today.
We go over bit later on weekends so just about to ring and go but not looking forward to day as if she started off in confused angry mood then rest of day doesn't bode well.
Please make sure you are documenting everything.
You need to step back more and let it be.
You cannot make your mum happy. It is the dementia and unfortunately that will not change..I learnt that I cannot make dad happy so I do what I can but no more. I no longer bend over backwards to try and do so. I make sure he is fed etc. But the inner unhappiness in him is his illness and that is getting worse. I hope you have a better day today.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
344
@canary that’s a good idea. Your husband has the car, go somewhere and watch the rain and then perhaps pop in with something to eat. Don’t set yourself up to fail as you will make yourself ill
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,517
Oh @annielou. That sounds so hard for you. Mess doesn't really bother me, but it does my husband so I know where you are coming from. I think you are at carer burnout and there isn't really anything you can do to make things better for your mum and you are making them worse for you.
What would happen if you gave yourself at least one day off a week? Your mum doesn't think she sees you anyway.
Do get onto social services before you end up making yourself really ill, please.
more {{{{hugs}}}}
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,425
Bedford
I have to agree with @Sarasa and @TNJJ.
I am sure you must feel punch drunk with all this. pls, with your sister try and arrange this extra carer urgently and some respite care as soon as possible. I know it is not easy especially now. If first care agency cannot provide another carer then try another agency.
sending hugs to you
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
Thanks for all your replies @Woo2 @canary @Starting on a journey @TNJJ @Sarasa @Bikerbeth xxxxxx this forum is amazingly supportive.
Luckily mum was ok with me today, so it's just poor sis who copped for it this morning. I was super bright and breezy on phone before we set of to mums and when we arrived too, you'd never think I'd been crying in the shower this morning and worried about going over for another upset agitated day. She was in good mood when we arrived this morning, though she seemed like she'd forgot coming to ours as she was sat watching friends with a cup of tea and a cake bar when we arrived and offered us a cup too, but she was pleased to be coming when hubby asked her. She'd been in shower today and washed her hair, though she did have a pair of trousers on I think she has worn 3 times already since last washed them but I didn't say anything.
She really enjoyed her lunch and watching location location location on tv. She kept telling hubby and I about the couples on it and what they wanted, but she kept mixing them up and some of the things she said about them were funny but not meant to be, so I had to avoid looking at hubby as I know he'd make me laugh. After it finished mum said shall we colour now Andie.
About 2 o'clock she piped up Was I at my mums? I said When this morning? Mum said Yes. I said No you were at your house. She was quiet for few minutes then said I keep thinking I have two houses, have I? I said No just one, then when I could see she was thinking about it I joked Yer not rockerfella yer know. Mum laughed and said I don't want two anyway.
Ten minutes later she asked if my sister had got a boyfriend I said Yes and his name and mum said Oh yes they're going to live in >>> (where sis has lived for years, but mum thinks they're moving) and Our Andies got a house too. I mm-ed and thought I mustn't be our Andie again.
Five mins later mum asked where her and my dad lived and when I told where they'd lived years ago she said Oh yeah. Can I go to your loo 'friend' So there I was gone and 'friend' had took my place again. As we walked out of room she pointed at photo of me and hubby at my nieces wedding a few years ago and mum said I love that photo, I've got it at home too 'friend' :rolleyes: :confused:
At 3 o'clock mum said I ought to go home cos our (her brother) will have all his mates in, or our (other brother) will be bloody pinching everything. She was still colouring so I didn't say anything. Few minutes later she said You might not know, but what will I need to do 'friend' cos I've got nowt that says my name on it. I told her all her documents and paperwork were here in her folder cos she'd asked me to look after them a while ago. Mum said Oh good cos I'm not even sure where I live.
By 1/4 past 3 she was back to needing to go home cos needed to sort out her mums house and get her stuff, she packed up her pencils and got her bag etc together on her knee and sat on edge of settee ready to go. I told her she didn't need to go cos nannans house was sorted a long time ago and she had all her stuff and she didn't have anything anywhere else. She asked what happened to nannans house, was it long time ago would someone else be living there now. We told her that her and brothers emptied it and gave keys back to council a long time ago and there's probably someone living in it for years. She accepted it quite easily but said Well I'll still go home then to my house. Hubby said You can if you want but you don't need to go, you can stay here if you want. I said There's no need to rush off is there cos you've nothing needs sorting now mum, you know its all been done so you could stay here with us a bit longer if you like. Mum said Oh ok then I'll do some more colouring. :)
She ended up staying till about 1/4 to 7 although we did have quite a few questions and mixed up statements till then, Where do I live, do you know where it is, will you come with me when I go, I don't think I've been there for ages. Are you sure I've not got any furniture anywhere else. I bet our (brother) took my bed, bet he took my tele, bet he sold all my stuff, and why was our (brother) in house if it was sorted years ago. Also where is my house, is it near town, is it near H and J well they said they're going to move, if they're staying then I think I will. And there was quite a bit of talk about her having been to look at a flat and not knowing if to take it or stay in bungalow, had she told council she'd take flat and now needed to tell them she wasn't, was bungalow dearer than flat, would they still pay her rent. I don't know where idea 2 of her neighbours are thinking of moving came from because she hasn't spoke to them for ages but she's also said other day that they lived near her house with dad and if she moved back to her bungalow she wouldn't know anyone. I don't know if idea of her looking at a flat came from location on tele earlier as one of couples was looking at flats, or if cos before moving to her bungalow 13 years ago she did consider a flat but she was sure it was recent. Hubby and I answered her questions and did a lot of mm-ing during the mixed up statements about brothers taking her stuff, neighbours moving and flat talk. She didn't seem to get too upset during her questioning and being mixed up today thankfully.
It's been a better day today, though still not relaxing as we're constantly on edge wondering what she's going to say/ask next and if she'll be ok with answer or get upset or angry, and wondering when she's going to want to go home and if she'll stay this time or if she'll insist we take her home and wondering how she'll be when we get there but it has been better and I'm grateful for that.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
I’m glad you have had a little reprieve today , although mixed up she sounds happier and calmer . All in all a reasonable day . You are going to be in line for an Oscar with that performance . Sometimes when I force myself to paint on the smile it actually changes my mood and I feel better , so hope you felt ok today .

KIND NAG ALERT **You know that it won’t always be like this so please do plod on with researching places for respite /care so you have an idea where if it becomes urgent , and also the extra carer and other plans you have for Lpa etc , don’t want to be a negative Nelly but it’s easy to think they have turned a corner and it will be ok now for a while ** NAG OVER.🤗

I hope it is but we all have to be realistic as well as hopeful . Hope you sleep well tonight and 🤞 for another day like today tomorrow . Take care . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x You're not a negative nelly but a really kind person and I appreciate the kind nag x 🤗 I agree I need to keep up with trying to sort things.
I hope mum stays calmer and less upset, 🤞 but even if she does she's still very confused and that is extremely tiring for all of us.
I am extremely grateful mum was calmer today for her sake, but also for mine and hubbys as I don't think I could have got through a day like yesterday again today. I felt so low this morning and was dreading going to mums and having another horrible hard day, especially after sis told me how mum had been with her on phone. The posts on here really helped me put on my bright and breezy act again and luckily the day was better than expected. Can't say I relaxed that much but it wasn't as hard work today and I needed a day like that I think. 🤞Fingers crossed for some more.
How has your day been? Is your mum still hot and bothered?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
I’m so glad , it is so difficult to try and chivvy yourself to be super happy and bright when inside that is so far from how you are feeling , but I think it has such an effect on the pwd that is something we have to try to do to get them and us through the day . Have everything crossed for a better day today for you 🤗 🤞 X

ps mum isn’t so hot since weather changed , thanks . She is slightly chirpier as hubby is around making her laugh . He has taken over from my dad as the joker, which is a huge change as he has always been very serious .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
Oh bless him thats good of him @Woo2 x Glad your mum is bit brighter and less hot 👍
We’ve put summer quilt on now and last night I was bit cold so put dressing gown on top and followed hubby round the bed like a heat seeking missile till about 6 when heating came on for a bit and then I was too hot🙄
I fear I am one to blame for change in weather too as everytime we start getting patio furniture and summer clothes out the weather changes 😞
Our old neighbour used to joke she knew she’d need her umbrella soon when she saw my summer pjs on the line and patio furniture being put out. 😀
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
Morning @annielou , oh I can relate , when we go on holiday the weather changes , I’m sure our friends stopped going with us due to it ! 😄 Oh no you changed quilt just as weather changed , I was cold last night too and we had heating on, makes a change as I am rarely cold . How’s things with you ? Hope yesterday was ok🤞 X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
Snap Us too @Woo2 :( :( Our first holiday together when I was 18 we went to cornwall and on day we drove down it was scorching hot, they'd had a heatwave week before, but day after we arrived weather changed, got cooler, windier and rained a fair bit. It's been the same pretty much every holiday since. Although we had the opposite the year after we got married and went to Alcudia during a very hot week in august. It was so hot we used to only go out on a morning and evening and spend most of the day after lunch sat in air conditioned bar/lounge playing cards and reading as our room didn't have air con. Apart from that year a fair few of our holiday photos feature cardis and coats :rolleyes:
It was a good day yesterday thanks x Mum was in a good mood and seemed quite relaxed. She did mention when we got in to afternoon about needing go and sort her mums house out and said usual about brothers taking stuff out of house a few times. Also said she couldn't remember where she lived and thought she'd not been there and her furniture wasn't there a few times too, but not as much as usual and she wasn't as worried and fidgety about it. When she wanted to go hubby and I said things we usually do, like we'd take her if wanted to go but there was no need as everything sorted years ago, we knew where she lived and we'd go in with her and she knows it when she sees it, and yesterday she accepted it more or less straight away each time and sat back again.
When mum talked about going home about 1/2 past 6 we took her as it was almost usual time anyway. She went straight in and knew it when she got there. Hubby put her tv on and we looked for something for her to watch, she asked me about 3 times if she'd see me tomorrow and I thought she seemed a bit quiet or sad but then she seemed ok when hubby found keeping up appearances on drama channel mum said Leave that on I'll watch that. In the adverts I said we'd get off home she seemed fine when she hugged me, joking about me being taller than her cos my boots had bit of heel on and laughing at the tassells on them and she seemed fine when she waved us off. She didn't ring last night so I'm hoping she was fine.
Mum didn't call me 'friend' yesterday, not sure if she thought I was her sometimes as she doesn't always use a name, but she seemed to know us. My sister rang mum again yesterday morning and said she just launched straight into conversation to mum and didn't mention mum being annoyed at her on Saturday. Sis said mum was bit quiet at first but was chatty and laughing by end, Mum told us when we went to pick her up that sis had rung and they'd had nice chat. Mum didn't mention her having go at sis yesterday either so thats good.
How was your day? hope it was ok x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
We go to Cornwall every year and it’s the same every time , we change what time in the 6 weeks hols we go and still can’t get good weather so it must be us that are jinxed ! We went to Alcudia in 1996 I think , it was hot but manageable , few years ago we went to Turkey and I virtually lived in the hotel room as they were having an unusually hot spell :rolleyes: girls were in the pool all day with their dad . Glad to hear yesterday was pretty good , giving you a bit of a reprieve, long may it continue👍🤞. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,444
Yorkshire
We’ve been twice to cornwall and its rained and been cool both times so hubby said he wouldn’t go again lol. I think it would have been 93 we went to alcudia and rep said it was a good 10 degrees hotter than normal and its always hot about 100degrees in august. 😓🥵
Got to mums today and she said she’s dusted and hoovered this morning and it looks like she has too😯😀
Hope your day is ok x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,298
South East
Oh brill , good start to the day :) 👍. That must be a really long journey for you to Cornwall , it takes us about 7hrs, we do get some lovely weather there honestly . Hope you are thinking about getting away just the pair of you as soon as poss. Hope today going ok still . X