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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
Have you gone onto your local council site and typed in Care Homes. I know my local Alzheimer contact in Mum’s area gave me printed a guide to care - care homes, home help etc that was done by the ‘shire’ council. So when I was looking for a home in my ‘shire’ I did the same thing. Very similar format and it specified the type of home - nursing, dementia etc.
I have just sent you a pm that might help
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
787
Lytham St Annes
Oh please tell me what you have in your salad, I too love salads...but always enjoy the ones I buy from like a salad bar more than the ones I make myself for some reason. Most probably because I’m not putting the variety in?
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Oh please tell me what you have in your salad, I too love salads...but always enjoy the ones I buy from like a salad bar more than the ones I make myself for some reason. Most probably because I’m not putting the variety in?
Its wasn't anything exciting really, very plain probably for proper salad lovers. We're not very exotic, to be honest I don't like a lot of salady type things either but do like a few different types of salad leaves while mum only likes iceberg or crispheart or flat lettuce, today we had butterhead lettuce. We just had some mixed coloured cherry tomoatoes, mum only likes red, cucumber mum hates cucumber, grated carrot mum hates raw carrot, then grated cheese, couple of slices of cooked chicken breast and a pineapple ring and a couple of slices of warm garlic flatbread.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Have you gone onto your local council site and typed in Care Homes. I know my local Alzheimer contact in Mum’s area gave me printed a guide to care - care homes, home help etc that was done by the ‘shire’ council. So when I was looking for a home in my ‘shire’ I did the same thing. Very similar format and it specified the type of home - nursing, dementia etc.
I have just sent you a pm that might help
Thanks for messages x Been on council one tonight and it only had 2 emi ones. On a wider search it had a few more but weirdly not the one near my house or near mums which are both supposed to be emi homes :confused:🤔. Last night I looked on carehome.co.uk website. I'll keep looking though and contact a few as annoyingly for me they don't state if LA funding would cover all costs on those websites. I know different people require different levels of care so cost would vary but it would be really helpful to know which there is no point looking at at all. Heyho we'll keep working on it
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Just tried your suggestion @Bikerbeth and got a good list/chart of homes in town which we've not been able to get all in one place before. That's going to be really helpful thank you so much🏅
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
I have found a few different ones just by googling care homes and then I just typed Dementia in search bar up and more came up, have found a few possibles now where as I thought there were only a couple . Your salad sounds lovely ☺ and your mum sounds a little fussy , I made a cheese &pickle tart (quiche really ) a couple of weeks ago, asked mum if she liked it she says yes but too much pickle , girls were trying to stifle laughs , then last night I made burritos , she are it all but I said hmm I wasn’t too keen on the herb flavouring and she pulled a proper yuk face and said no me neither, youngest had to go and hide in bathroom as she was hysterical with laughter . The fruit and ice cream went down ok after though😂. Oh I used to like doing that job moving summer clothes. Hope today goes ok . X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 x I'd found a few homes in different searches but it annoyed me couldn't seem to get complete list of ones in area, but now have that thanks to @Bikerbeth suggestion to look at councils guide to older peoples services. I'd thought it would just be general advice not details so I'd not looked and instead used their directory with search facility which wasn't great as missed homes off. Still think its a shame SW couldn't give us list of ones LA funding covered so not contacting loads who will not be able use but I suppose they don't have time and money for them to do that.
I'm quite a fussy eater, I don't like anything spicy or hot and lots of other things too, I'm quite a plain eater really but mum takes fussy to another level. Bless your mum and daughters I bet it made them giggle after she'd eaten it to complain lol.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
It did but it was contagious and I had to try really hard not to laugh as well . The guide @Bikerbeth postdd is brilliant , so helpful and had places I hadn’t know about 👍. SW know more about homes than anyone so they really could be more helpful I think .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
My hubby is a shaky laugher @Woo2 at mums we sit close together on two seater sofa and it is really hard at times when mum says something that makes hubby laugh to keep a straight face. Even when I try not look at him cos I know he’ll be laughing I can feel him jiggling about shaking at side of me. 🥺😀
She’s a star that @Bikerbeth pointing out that guide 🌟
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
I find that very amusing @annielou , not so funny when you are trying to keep a straight face though . She def is a star for sure , always has wise words too 🦉. She sounds quite green fingered too , is there no end to her talents ?!😄
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,345
Dorset
When I asked a SW which were the best care homes she said she wasn’t allowed to suggest any.
When it came to The Banjoman’s time to move to one the LA gave me a choice of three to choose from that accepted LA funded clients and had current vacancies. When I looked at one that was nearer but not on the list and asked why I hadn’t been given that as an option I was told by the commissioning officer that it was a Dementia Nursing Home and if it was decided after reassessment that he didn’t need that amount of care then he would be moved to a basic Dementia Care Home. I didn’t want to put him through that upheaval.
Here the LA puts a person’s care requirements out to tender and Care companies say whether or not they have the capability to take them on.
If your Mum will be funding her own care after selling her property then you will have more choice but if she rents her bungalow (I think you have said it is) and will be reliant on Council funding then I suspect you will have limited choice .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
When I asked a SW which were the best care homes she said she wasn’t allowed to suggest any.
When it came to The Banjoman’s time to move to one the LA gave me a choice of three to choose from that accepted LA funded clients and had current vacancies. When I looked at one that was nearer but not on the list and asked why I hadn’t been given that as an option I was told by the commissioning officer that it was a Dementia Nursing Home and if it was decided after reassessment that he didn’t need that amount of care then he would be moved to a basic Dementia Care Home. I didn’t want to put him through that upheaval.
Here the LA puts a person’s care requirements out to tender and Care companies say whether or not they have the capability to take them on.
If your Mum will be funding her own care after selling her property then you will have more choice but if she rents her bungalow (I think you have said it is) and will be reliant on Council funding then I suspect you will have limited choice .
That's interesting, I wonder if thats why didn't tell me of any. She didn't say that, just told me to look online and said we had to find them and contact them ourselves. And she did say there was one near mum and other SW said there is one near me thats like a luxury hotel if she wins lotttery she's going to retire there. It was for respite for mum though not permanent so maybe if permanent they'd just pick somewhere for mum.
I hoped if we picked somewhere for respite and at some point SS say mum needs home and will fund it if we could say the one mum had been to for respite had vacancies (if it had) they'd hopefully go along with it if it was a home that didn't have top ups and accepted LA funded residents. Maybe not though.
For carers they do same here, SW said they'd check if their care agencys were able to take mums visits but if not would go to brokerage to other firms to see if could cover mums care. She said it had gone to brokerage and was taking a while and then just after we told her mum had been granted Attendance Allowance she said a care agency could take mums case and we'd have to pay SS mums AA towards it. The times didn't match what asked for though and in end we decided to use AA pay for different care agency to do two afternoons a week instead.
Yes mum does rent and doesn't have savings so If/when mum needs a care home it will be LA funded so we probably won't have much choice :(
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Hard day today, mum went mad again over cleaning. Was fine when I gently brought it up this morning, agreed to us changing bed, dust and hoover through. First she'd made excuses, I was going to change bed this morning but looked like rain so didn't I'll do it on a dry day. I told her it's forecast rain on and off for next fortnight so if waiting for a dry day she'd be waiting quite a while so mum said Oh well I better do it then. I said we can do it together if you like. Mum said yes and then said I was going to hoover room yesterday but didn't cos I think someone came. I said Shall we do that too then ? Mum said Ok if you like.
I didn't point out she'd told me yesterday when I mentioned cleaning that it didn't need doing, I was just happy we were finally doing something . I read yesterdays carer report this afternoon and carer put she'd suggested doing some dusting and hovering and mum had been adamant it had been done the day before and didn't need doing. It looks like mum did same with her as me.
Mum was fine when we started we joked about how much bedding she has. Mum went in room to put new bedding on and iron valance and I stayed to hoover bed and bedroom. Mum came in a few times, reminded me to move bed to hoover , joked about me climbing over bed, helped me manouver mattress back on bed, asked what was in bags she keeps at bottom of bed, all ok. She went to put iron away while I was putting bed and bedside table back and hoovering where it had been. She came back in as I was getting duster so I said Shall I dust and hoover in here mum or do you want to do it and I'll do something else? Her face was like thunder, she snatched duster out of my hands and said Now you can go home and not come back to my house ever again! I said Sorry mum what's the matter?
She stomped into room telling me to go home and not come back cos I wasn't welcome anymore. I followed her and said I can't go home mum don't be upset I was just helping you do bedroom why are you mad at me? She set off saying I had just come in and started cleaning her house, she didn't need me to clean her house could clean her own bloody house who did I think I was coming and just doing stuff. I said Sorry mum I didn't just start doing it we were doing it together. NO WE WERE NOT I didn't even know you were doing it you just started. I said You knew mum, you agreed to us doing it together, we went in bedroom to start it together. I DID NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING! She went on a mega rant, didn't know I was doing bedroom, didn't say we would do it, she hadn't seen me go in bedroom cos she was ironing. I tried we were fine mum, we were joking about how much bedding you had and you were telling me to move bed, but mum said she hadn't
She was really angry and saying I had told her it needed doing and was having a go at her about how long it hadn't been done for, I said I don't say that mum I just mentioned it and only said how long since last done because you thought it wasn't long ago and a while ago you asked me to remind you when stuff was ready for doing. She said she hadn't asked me that and if she didn't want to clean she didn't have to, it was her bed and her house and if she wanted to let it get mucky it was up to her. I was really upset and crying and I told her it was up to her but it wasn't a purposeful decision she hadn't decided not to clean, she just said that because she hadn't done it. I said that she often thinks she's done it or doesn't notice it needs doing and doesn't think about it as much now as she used to, but she still comments on people on tv not being clean and tidy and a while ago she told me to tell her when to do stuff if she forgot but now she shouts at me and gets angry. Mum said Well I'm not dirty am I, it's not a mess in here is it. I told her it's not as clean and tidy as it should be, it's not how you would want it to be and that's why I mention it and offer to help mum. You used to do nannan & grandads when they got older and I'm happy to help you and either do it for you or do it with you. Mum said It's not scruffy it must have been cleaned sometime so I've been doing it. I told her that's because I remind her and I do it with or for her. I didn't mind helping her and I was trying to do what she asked me to do but she keeps getting angry at me for doing it and I don't like being shouted at. I know it's not her fault she can't remember, but it hurts and I don't know what to do for best. Mum said Well you're not putting me in a home!
Then told me I don't do her cleaning and stuff cos she barely sees me and she does it herself, she's fine on her own. I told her I come everyday and she might think she is ok and doing everything herself but she isn't , I'm there a lot of the time giving her support and helping, or trying to help her with things. She set off again saying I don't go and then saying 'friend' goes, then calling me 'friend', saying our Andie doesn't come, she only comes with hubby so you're not her.
Then said again Well you're not putting me in a home so don't think you are! I said I can't put you in a home mum, she asked Why? I said You're an adult and in charge of yourself and can only go in a home if social services agree to pay for one and they think you need one, it's not up to me. She said Good cos they're horrible. I said they're not horrible mum we went to see one and it wasn't horrible. Mum said I'm not going in one. I said Ok it's not up to me anyway . But I do think you need more support mum than I can give you. I come as much as I can but it's a lot for one person and I'm struggling, especially when you don't know who I am and are shouting at me or asking me to leave and then wanting our Andie to come and I don't know what to do for best a lot of time. When you're upset and confused about nannan and dad on an evening ringing me I think it would be better if you were in a home with other people about so not on your own and you wouldn't have to worry about cleaning or things like that because it'd be done for you. Mum said They're horrible and people just sit doing nowt. I said they don't mum they have activities on and you can do same as you do here you can colour, do your puzzles and watch tv with other people, or in your own room if you want to be on your own. Mum said I might be better with company but I'm not going in a home cos they're horrible.
She went to make a cup of tea then and came back a bit calmer but still talking about not needing a home cos can manage on own. She said sometimes she gets scared of doing things like iron and others she fine with it. But she manages on her own cos nobody helps her. I said I help, I'm happy to help her when I'm there. I told her that carer does ironing for her and mum said She offers but I tell her I don't have any and I do it. That's not true, carers have been doing it since just after started. She went on to asking me if I was our Andrea and saying but I don't see you. Asking where I lived, who married to, how I got there, has she been to my house, and saying she thought I was 'friend'. Then over it again and again, saying more things like but aren't you 'friend' don't you live in a bungalow? didn't I used to come to your house. I kept answering and saying let's just relax a bit mum and not worry about trying to work things out. After a bit more Mum said she forgets who I am and forgets things sometimes but she doesn't do it on purpose. I told her I know she doesn't and I know it's confusing for her and scary at times and I'm sorry I get upset with her at times too. She noticed then she had duster next to her and said look I've got duster here why? I told her because we'd been about to dust earlier and she said Oh yeah I didn't do it did I. I said No, do you want us to do it now and she said not really.
I went to loo and when I came back I said Hoover is still in bedroom mum shall I put it away or shall I finish dusting and hoovering bedroom. Mum said It's up to you love, I said I'll go finish it then and mum passed me duster.
Mum took cup away and started washing up while I finished bedroom. I asked her if she wanted me to put hoover away or carry on and do rest, she said Please yourself. She didn't sound grumpy and went outside picking a few weeds out of pots so I decided to risk it and went in room to dust and hoover there. Mum came in as I was doing sofa she didn't smile when I did but didn't say anything either so I passed her pencil I'd found under cushions and joked about finding a sparkly pencil and she smiled. She sat on sofa and looked in her colouring book while I finished hoovering through, then she asked if we should have some lunch. It was about 2 & 1/2 hours after we'd started and most of time had been going round with an angry and confused mum.
Mum didn't get upset for rest of day but confused. Asking me on and off all day who I was, was I married, who to, where lived etc ,then saying why I wasn't me. She asked a lot where Our Andrea was, or did I know where our Andie was cos she never comes to see her. At times I felt like saying something silly like she's in prison. Actually it often feels like we are both in a confused prison. Mum also asked a few times today about a picture we'd had on living room wall, I can't remember seeing it after they decorated a bit before we moved when I was 15 and can't remember seeing it after that. Mum thought it was at other house, or her mum had it, said I was going to go to mums for it but she's dead isn't she. She also asked a few times where she lived and if she'd left owt at other house and said I hope nobodys been in other house and stole owt. She rang bout 1/2 hour after we got home to check if we'd been today and said thought was 'friend' but then thought might be me. She wasn't on long and didn't sound too bad but obviously still a bit confused as she had been all day.
I know I handled this morning wrong trying to reason and explain to mum but I was upset and I just reacted
 

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
19
Dimentia is such a cruel illness in so may ways isn't it. Sounds like you had an awful day, but you got through it all the same. Your mum sound just like mine, proud, stubborn and anyoying, but above all else so disorientated and confused.
My mum's funeral is on Tuesday, she's at peace from torment and pain, but I remember her as she was once upon a time and always will
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,980
South East
Oh @annielou , I’m so sorry 🤗 you aren’t a machine and can’t be expected to not be upset , please please don’t worry about how you handled it , it coukd have had some result if you had been calm about it. Can I strongly suggest you forget about cleaning for a little while , please leave it to the carers , you could leave them a note explaining how it went today. If all you can do is wipe the toilet seat when using it or wiping a top down then so be it , like I said before mum only changed her bed once a month , and the whole place was dusty and needed a clean but it wasn’t worth the arguing so I had to let it go , invisible wasn’t brave enough either so bought some air fresheners ,it really won’t hurt anyone if it’s dusty or needs a wipe down, it’s not worth the upset you are getting . Sending you more hugs and hope you get some sleep and tom is a better day .🤗🤗 take care .
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
496
I would say that you have made some progress in your own mind. From what you said to mum you have accepted that you can’t go on like this .
Cleaning is a biggy, especially with ladies whose role in life was cleaning. My mum was a career housewife most of her life and was very good at it. Yesterday my son cleaned his bedroom (a keen cleaner), so about 5 mum came in complained the fireplace was filthy and tried to clean it with dettol. Son rescued it and at my behest found the polish....he wanted to do it but mum was shouting “I did this before you were born”.... I just let it wash over me....Son was worried she’d break the clock which he likes...I have given up with material things.
Leave cleaning to the carer if it’s a flashpoint. Do the toilet ....you can always blame it on your imaginary upset tummy.
Hoping that today is better and the increased dosage of tablets start to kick in.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,128
North West
Stay strong @annielou, these changes are hard to cope with and try to remember using techniques to deal with them rather than reason, it takes practice but they do work. When things like you describe happen it does come as a shock -one minute everything is fine and the next a flare up -its not anyones fault, but trying to argue the point is fruitless because your mum won't remember what you were both doing five minutes before and may even suddenly think your a stranger in the house. It will get harder and more and more difficult.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,020
Hi @annielou, I'd forget about cleaning anything unless it is a health and safety hazard. Your mum isn't going to come to harm if things are a bit dusty or her sheets don't get changed. Don't worry about what the carers will think either, what is important is that your mum is settled. At the moment she probably thinks you are coming in and taking over her life and she is very uncertain as to who you are as you don't look how she thinks 'her Andie' should look. While you are waiting for social services to get back to you, and you and your mum really need that respite, just do whatever keeps her calm and makes your life easier.
Nag over. Hope today is a much, much better day {{{hugs}}}.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,767
Yorkshire
Thanks for replies @suesizer@msn.co @Woo2 @Starting on a journey @Palerider @Sarasa xxxxx
I know I shouldn't try and explain and reason with mum but when she's shouting at me to go and never come back I don't know what else to do other try to explain I've not done anything bad and I'm not trying to upset her. in the hope she accepts and lets it go. Occassionaly she does but a lot of the time it takes a very long time and a lot of upset talking before she does.
I can't just go in another room till mum calms down because she doesn't, she may forget why she's angry but not that she is. Mums bungalow is tiny and you can hear in every room so she will just shout to me wherever I am and being out of room seems to anger her more.
I have no transport so can't go home and come back later or ring and check on her. I could possibly go outside for a while but mum has previously followed me into garden and carried on shouting and it made her even more angry that I walked away even though she'd told me to. I can't go far wearing my slippers anyway and quite often with tears rolling down my face as I am an easy crier at best of times but nowadays I'm on edge of them almost permanently.
Tea, cake, biscuits is no distraction for mum, if I offer she will scream at me she doesn't want anything off me and its not up to me to offer her her stuff in her house anyway.
I know my way isn't working and I need to learn new ways but either I can't or I won't I'm not totally sure which I think the first but it could be the second.
Maybe I should leave the cleaning so as not to have the argument and upset. That it's probably the best idea to avoid chance of confrontation, well that one any way, as there are others, but I sit in that house for 8-8.5hours a day and eat 2 meals each day in it and it drives me mad. When you have grown up with a mum and dad who hates dirt and untidiness (though dad never did any actual tidying) it's hard to sit in a dusty house that you can feel on things you put down and make meals on worktops that are sticky and have hair on. I sneakily wipe the worktops down when I arrive but have to be quick as mums usually shouting what you doing in there and looking down corridor to see me. I wipe loo over with toilet wipes and sink with wet tissue sometimes while I'm in and usually get mum asking what you doing in there you've been ages what you messing about at. I've now put a duster in my bag I take to mums so I can give things a quick dust when she goes to loo. I suppose I'm going to have to settle for that and leave floor and sofas to get covered in dust, crumbs and pencil sharpenings and brush myself off when I go home. Hubby used to take his shoes off at mums and walk round in socks but doesn't now and I have a pair of slippers there so least not picking bits up off floor. As for her bedroom well I don't really have to go in there so I suppose I could just leave her to wallow in it. She'll not think to do it herself and even if she did she doesn't remember what to do.
She wouldn't let carer do any on Thursday either, I don't know if she asked last week as she'd took care report as it was end of month so I didn't see what she put, but nothing had been done last thursday. When we arranged carers mum told them she didn't want them doing her cleaning, she did it on a morning herself. I told them in email later that wasn't true, she usually needed prompting and helping and I usually did it. I told them she gets angry with me at times so I sometimes have to leave it for another time, that if she was doing something then carers could help or keep an eye on her but it didn't matter if carers did same and left it if she got annoyed. We asked for carer more as companion not as cleaner so probably people they picked were picked for that and they don't really expect to come and coerce mum into letting them clean whole house. So if I don't get her to let me do it I think it won't get done at all.
I struggle to get over the idea of how much mum would hate it if she knew what it was like and how she would call me and my sister if we were like that and actually has on numerous occassions had a go at my sister over her house been untidy and not clean and mums gets as bad as sisters ever did now. I know I need to get over it and life is all about keeping mum calm and happy as she can be and I would be saving myself the upset and confrontation if I don't mention it.
Its not just the house now, I've noticed recently mums flannel has been on sink and the shower floor isn't wet when I get there a sign she has just had quick flannel wash rather than shower. At first it was just odd day but this week we got to yesterday before it was in shower and floor wet. She's not washed her hair since weekend either and she keeps on wearing same couple of pairs of trousers lately too. In 2 weeks she washed 3 pairs of trousers but she swears she only wears them twice.
I know I need to not be bothered and try not to remind her of things and just let her be but I HATE IT . I need a total personality change and mindset change to be a carer and I HATE THAT TOO.
I do know you are all right I knew yesterday I'd handled things wrong, I really appreciate you giving me advise and I hope one day it sinks in and I actually do it.
Thank you all so much for taking time to reply xxx