It sounds wrong but I am glad you had an ok day. I think ok days become good days if you see what I mean. What a lovely moment with your Mum though when she said she was glad you were her daughter. In the scheme of things the housework not getting done won’t hurt - your Mum not being upset, agitated or angry is worth so much more ?
Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!
- Thread starter annielou
- Start date
Yes spot on @Bikerbeth , I agree , housework isn’t too important if it keeps some harmony , and how sweet that was of mum , hold that memory close . ? X
Thanks @Woo2 @Bikerbeth xx It was a lovely thing for mum to say and I was glad to hear her say something nice about me even though it came out after asking who I was and a few minutes later she had forgotten who I was again. It was a bit bittersweet but it was still so lovely in that moment for her to feel something good about me and tell me ♥
It was a good day overall in scheme of things but because I went along with mum and didn't push the housework thing it's still hanging over me and I'm left dreading bringing it up again. I do struggle with leaving the housework and things to keep mum happy, I feel a bit like I'm just putting it off to keep the peace and avoid a confrontation and an awkward agitated mum but at some point it will have to be faced. I keep putting it off for another day hoping to catch her in right mood so it gets done without argument and upset but those days are getting few and far between.
It doesn't have to be done to her previous standard and regularity but a certain amount has to be done for health and hygiene standards and not just hers, but mine, hubbys and carers that also go in house. Her bed hasn't been changed for a fortnight now and its quite dusty in there which can't be good for her. I have trouble with my sinuses and dust does aggravate it a bit so it might even be partly to blame for her waking up sniffly lately, though its not every day so maybe not. One of carers takes her shoes off and goes round in socks at mums, I think she changes when gets home, but I keep thinking they probably get crumbs and dust and pencil sharpener bits on them as floors haven't been hoovered for two weeks either and mum is forever dropping bits now which she doesn't always notice or pick up. Its not filthy or anything yet but if left mum to it I can see it would be eventually which worries me.
Mum still comments on other people looking dirty or untidy but just doesn't notice it herself, its like she doesn't relate that to herself and she has lost all idea of when and how to do things or even that they should be done. I know in the past the idea of someone coming in her house, like carers, when it hadn't been dusted and hoovered would have embarrassed her. It does me I find it embarrassing on mums behalf and also on mine as I think people will think I should do it if mum doesn't.
Oh well stop moaning Andie and try again tomorrow
It was a good day overall in scheme of things but because I went along with mum and didn't push the housework thing it's still hanging over me and I'm left dreading bringing it up again. I do struggle with leaving the housework and things to keep mum happy, I feel a bit like I'm just putting it off to keep the peace and avoid a confrontation and an awkward agitated mum but at some point it will have to be faced. I keep putting it off for another day hoping to catch her in right mood so it gets done without argument and upset but those days are getting few and far between.
It doesn't have to be done to her previous standard and regularity but a certain amount has to be done for health and hygiene standards and not just hers, but mine, hubbys and carers that also go in house. Her bed hasn't been changed for a fortnight now and its quite dusty in there which can't be good for her. I have trouble with my sinuses and dust does aggravate it a bit so it might even be partly to blame for her waking up sniffly lately, though its not every day so maybe not. One of carers takes her shoes off and goes round in socks at mums, I think she changes when gets home, but I keep thinking they probably get crumbs and dust and pencil sharpener bits on them as floors haven't been hoovered for two weeks either and mum is forever dropping bits now which she doesn't always notice or pick up. Its not filthy or anything yet but if left mum to it I can see it would be eventually which worries me.
Mum still comments on other people looking dirty or untidy but just doesn't notice it herself, its like she doesn't relate that to herself and she has lost all idea of when and how to do things or even that they should be done. I know in the past the idea of someone coming in her house, like carers, when it hadn't been dusted and hoovered would have embarrassed her. It does me I find it embarrassing on mums behalf and also on mine as I think people will think I should do it if mum doesn't.
Oh well stop moaning Andie and try again tomorrow
I do get that , I and mum would of been the same , you can only keep trying gently but back off if she gets cross, could you just get on with it and see what happens ? Or say she had asked you to do it yesterday , I don’t really have many suggestions I’m afraid . I would clean the bathroom secretly and try not to worry too much about the rest , I have been in some really dirty houses where the occupants just didnt see the dirt , they were are relatively healthy so it doesn’t seem to do them much harm . Not much help to you sorry . X
Im sure thats true. I remember taking mum in her wheelchair to a garden centre and we came face to face with a floor to ceiling window that, because of the light, had become a mirror. Mum took one look at her reflection and said "Oh look at that poor old woman in a wheelchair - shoot me if I ever get to that stage!" She somehow couldnt relate what she saw to herself, even though she was old and was actually sitting in a wheelchair. Most strange.
I wouldnt worry too much about the dirt. I will admit now that I havent done any housework for at least a fortnight ?
Thanks @Woo2 x I do try those and sometimes they work but unfortunately not this past week. I will keep trying them though as only thing I can do.
Yesterday I set off acting like she'd said we'd do bed the day before, she had actually said I'll do it tomorrow when I'd brought it up on tuesday, but it didn't work. Quite often even when she has agreed to me doing some housework once I start doing it she gets grumpy and on odd occasion when I have just started doing something without asking she has kicked off big time including snatching things out of my hand and screaming at me and threatening to throw the cleaning spray that she'd just snatched out of my hand at me.
Its impossible to do much without her noticing as its such a small house. I manage to wipe kitchen units over everyday when I arrive and am in kitchen washing my hands and getting her water for tablet and I know carers do it after dinner on their days too as they put it in report. Mum washes up but never wipes units down now so there's always spilt tea and sugar near kettle and crumbs and hair elsewhere when I arrive.
When I go to loo mum has toilet wipes I buy her in there so I can wipe loo when she's missed and I often just use them to wipe loo over anyway as well. I also wipe sink, taps and sometimes tiles and shower over quickly when I'm in there every few days, but its only with wet toilet paper as I can't sneak a cloth or cleaning spray in and I have to be quick so mum doesn't notice and ask what I'm doing.
When I was staying there I would sometimes sneak cleaning spray and cloth in under my clothes and clean bathroom while I was in there showering and also while mum was in shower I would sneakily dust round or sneak in her bedroom and put clothes in basket so she didn't keep wearing same trousers and cardigan. I can't do that now as mum's rarely out of same room when I'm there and if I go out of room she can hear me and asks what I'm doing.
I even have to sneak a quick look at carer report when mum goes to loo. I don't even have time to read it at same time, I have to whip report out of cupboard and take photo on my phone and whip it back in minute shes in loo and then read it off my phone later.
Yesterday I set off acting like she'd said we'd do bed the day before, she had actually said I'll do it tomorrow when I'd brought it up on tuesday, but it didn't work. Quite often even when she has agreed to me doing some housework once I start doing it she gets grumpy and on odd occasion when I have just started doing something without asking she has kicked off big time including snatching things out of my hand and screaming at me and threatening to throw the cleaning spray that she'd just snatched out of my hand at me.
Its impossible to do much without her noticing as its such a small house. I manage to wipe kitchen units over everyday when I arrive and am in kitchen washing my hands and getting her water for tablet and I know carers do it after dinner on their days too as they put it in report. Mum washes up but never wipes units down now so there's always spilt tea and sugar near kettle and crumbs and hair elsewhere when I arrive.
When I go to loo mum has toilet wipes I buy her in there so I can wipe loo when she's missed and I often just use them to wipe loo over anyway as well. I also wipe sink, taps and sometimes tiles and shower over quickly when I'm in there every few days, but its only with wet toilet paper as I can't sneak a cloth or cleaning spray in and I have to be quick so mum doesn't notice and ask what I'm doing.
When I was staying there I would sometimes sneak cleaning spray and cloth in under my clothes and clean bathroom while I was in there showering and also while mum was in shower I would sneakily dust round or sneak in her bedroom and put clothes in basket so she didn't keep wearing same trousers and cardigan. I can't do that now as mum's rarely out of same room when I'm there and if I go out of room she can hear me and asks what I'm doing.
I even have to sneak a quick look at carer report when mum goes to loo. I don't even have time to read it at same time, I have to whip report out of cupboard and take photo on my phone and whip it back in minute shes in loo and then read it off my phone later.
It’s very difficult for sure , could you get carer’s to try and broach it it for them to do a couple of bits ?
Hi @annielou, I wouldn't worry too much about cleaning. Like me mum wasn't a fan of housework, but like me she kept her place clean and tidy. As she grew older, and her eyesight and dementia go worse the place became much more untidy. Changing the bed was too much hard work, and she couldn't see that the floor was covered in crumbs. I did what I could when I went round twice a week, but didn't fuss too much. If there had been poo accidents for instance that would have been different, but I felt mum was fine with it the way it was. When I sold the flat, that was different and I spent ages cleaning it up.
My dad didn't change his sheets for decades, and the flat I cleared out hadn't been cleaned in six months. Dad made toast a few times when he first arrived but soon lost the hang of it. But Marmite dripped on a worktop sets like concrete, did you know? Whatever happens I know it won't be as bad as that flat was. The morning sniffles probably are allergies, hayfever or dust. But it seems pointless to have a fight about it. I'd get a cleaner for when day care opens again...
thanks for your replies @Woo2 @Sarasa @imthedaughter xxx
When mum was going to day centre I had to go through in morning to get her to get ready to go and be there when she got back so one time she went I pretended to leave when mum went on bus but went back and gave kitchen and bathroom a really good clean including emptying rubbish and out of date stuff from her cupboards (there was loads) and a couple of times I went back to mums earlier than necessary to sneakily hoover, dust, clean bathroom and kitchen and sneak things in the wash basket so if she goes back to day centre after lock down I'll go back to that.
When I got there this morning mum had changed her bed
and put bedding through wash and on washing line. I was shocked but from look and sound of when she did it I don't think she did anything else but take bedding off and replace it. There was no sign of anything else being done. When I asked if she'd managed ok hoovering and turning mattress she looked a bit non plus but then went into over drive muttering about turning it one way and spinning it and then onto talking bout putting sheet on over mattress protector and from what she said I think answer about turning mattress was made up and she'd just put new bedding straight on after removing old. I asked if she wanted help doing anything else and she said What else? I suggested dusting and hoovering through and cleaning bathroom and she said Oh no I'm not doing anything else today. I said I can do it for you I don't mind. You've been busy doing bed mum so I can do rest while you have your cup of tea. Mum said No I'm not in mood it'll do, I'll do rest tomorrow. So we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Ooh there's another reason to be a marmite hater @imthedaughter if it sets like concrete ☹ The cleaning out you and @Sarasa did sounds hard work x
I went to my dads house with my sister after he died to sort some things to arrange his funeral etc and it was horrible, like something out of one of those tv programmes about filthy houses . My sister and I were shocked at the state of it even though we had been warned it was a mess and sis had visited a few years before and seen it was dirty and messy then, we weren't prepared for what it was like after he died. We were lucky though as my uncle (dads brother) and aunt (uncles wife and also sister of woman dad lived with till she went into home 6 months before) offered to empty and clean it out before giving it back to council. They said they couldn't get the bath, sink and toilet clean, they were in such a state they'd need replacing. They looked like you'd come out of bathroom dirtier than you went in.
Dad didn't have dementia, him and his partner were big drinkers and by sounds of it over the years drinking had taken over everything else and they'd stopped doing anything else but sit and drink. His partner had lots of problems and illnesses, most apparently brought on by drinking, and she had ended up with dementia and went in a home 6 months before dad died. Dad had rheumatoid arthritis which apparently had got a lot worse over the years but he wouldn't have replacement knees and my uncle and aunt said he'd just given up on life.
My mum was shocked at sight of him when we last saw him 9 years ago and after he died although mum didn't see his house but she'd heard about it from us and she couldn't believe it of him. He had always been so clean, he would sit for ages when he came home from work with a nail file making sure his nails were clean, he'd always get washed and changed before leaving the house, he was very particular about his clothes being washed and ironed properly so it was quite a shock. Even though mum gets mixed up and often thinks she and dad got back together and he only left her for that woman about 4 months ago and then died shortly after she will still talk about how he'd let himself go and state of his house when he died and how shocking it is.
Mum and her house aren't anywhere near dads stage yet, but I dread things might get that way as she just has no idea now.
When mum was going to day centre I had to go through in morning to get her to get ready to go and be there when she got back so one time she went I pretended to leave when mum went on bus but went back and gave kitchen and bathroom a really good clean including emptying rubbish and out of date stuff from her cupboards (there was loads) and a couple of times I went back to mums earlier than necessary to sneakily hoover, dust, clean bathroom and kitchen and sneak things in the wash basket so if she goes back to day centre after lock down I'll go back to that.
When I got there this morning mum had changed her bed
and put bedding through wash and on washing line. I was shocked but from look and sound of when she did it I don't think she did anything else but take bedding off and replace it. There was no sign of anything else being done. When I asked if she'd managed ok hoovering and turning mattress she looked a bit non plus but then went into over drive muttering about turning it one way and spinning it and then onto talking bout putting sheet on over mattress protector and from what she said I think answer about turning mattress was made up and she'd just put new bedding straight on after removing old. I asked if she wanted help doing anything else and she said What else? I suggested dusting and hoovering through and cleaning bathroom and she said Oh no I'm not doing anything else today. I said I can do it for you I don't mind. You've been busy doing bed mum so I can do rest while you have your cup of tea. Mum said No I'm not in mood it'll do, I'll do rest tomorrow. So we'll see what tomorrow brings.Ooh there's another reason to be a marmite hater @imthedaughter if it sets like concrete ☹ The cleaning out you and @Sarasa did sounds hard work x
I went to my dads house with my sister after he died to sort some things to arrange his funeral etc and it was horrible, like something out of one of those tv programmes about filthy houses . My sister and I were shocked at the state of it even though we had been warned it was a mess and sis had visited a few years before and seen it was dirty and messy then, we weren't prepared for what it was like after he died. We were lucky though as my uncle (dads brother) and aunt (uncles wife and also sister of woman dad lived with till she went into home 6 months before) offered to empty and clean it out before giving it back to council. They said they couldn't get the bath, sink and toilet clean, they were in such a state they'd need replacing. They looked like you'd come out of bathroom dirtier than you went in.
Dad didn't have dementia, him and his partner were big drinkers and by sounds of it over the years drinking had taken over everything else and they'd stopped doing anything else but sit and drink. His partner had lots of problems and illnesses, most apparently brought on by drinking, and she had ended up with dementia and went in a home 6 months before dad died. Dad had rheumatoid arthritis which apparently had got a lot worse over the years but he wouldn't have replacement knees and my uncle and aunt said he'd just given up on life.
My mum was shocked at sight of him when we last saw him 9 years ago and after he died although mum didn't see his house but she'd heard about it from us and she couldn't believe it of him. He had always been so clean, he would sit for ages when he came home from work with a nail file making sure his nails were clean, he'd always get washed and changed before leaving the house, he was very particular about his clothes being washed and ironed properly so it was quite a shock. Even though mum gets mixed up and often thinks she and dad got back together and he only left her for that woman about 4 months ago and then died shortly after she will still talk about how he'd let himself go and state of his house when he died and how shocking it is.
Mum and her house aren't anywhere near dads stage yet, but I dread things might get that way as she just has no idea now.
I did wonder if you'd been doing that. The cleaning fairy eh!! I love Marmite, put it in everything, and Dad loves it too. Hence it being everywhere. The house I grew up in was apparently just as filthy if not a lot worse after a decade but I didn't go back. It was demolished along with most of dad's belongings that he didn't think to move out (I think he thought he could always go back to it?! That's not how it works when you sell somewhere). I used to go home when I was at university and clean and clean everything for my dad and brother (and for me so I could live there) but eventually I just got really depressed and sad about going back so avoided it.
Sounds like your dad got depressed as well, it's incredible what a change it makes. So sad to hear. Take care x
How funny , when mum & dad went on holiday I used to go to there and clean from top to bottom ! When dad went in to hospital I used to do cleaning and say it was to get it nice and clean for him to come home to . He did used to guide mum in cleaning , she used to put washing on and if she set washer it never had washing powder in, sometimes she hung the dirty washing out as she hadn’t switched it on.
I was going to suggest what Woo2 also mentioned, could you see if the Carers ‘could help your Mum’ with a bit of cleaning whilst they are there. She might accept it from them more than you. However it was good to hear that the bed was changed. I know it is hard to let it go though.
it does sound like you have had some reasonable days and I hope today has been ok too.
I do not like marmite, except on twiglets
it does sound like you have had some reasonable days and I hope today has been ok too.
I do not like marmite, except on twiglets
Oh snap , my family think I’m strange as I detest Marmite ? and they all love it and I love Twiglets and they all detest them !
How has today been for you ?
How has today been for you ?
Thats a lot to take on at young age, no wonder you were sad about it x Lot for you too @Woo2 x
Not a great day overall today @Bikerbeth and @Woo2 Did some cleaning but it caused a right hooha Mum was ok then flipped and suddenly wasn't.
Fine when got there colouring, thought I'd try suggest cleaning so I said Are we cleaning today? Mum said Oh I don't know why? I said You changed your bed yesterday and said we'd clean up today. So mum said Oh ok then we can do.
I started dusting in room and suggested mum start in bedroom, she popped in to ask where polish was and what I was doing and all was fine. I got hoover and she told me I need to take cushions off sofa as she'd probably dropped crisps. During it mum wanted to go in porch and joked I'd booby trapped her route as I'd put cushions there. She washed front door, came back and joked again about cushions as I'd moved on to other one and blocked other door.
She went into kitchen for a while, I finished room, did bedroom and went into hallway. Mum was in kitchen and said something about there being nothing on floor but when I asked what? she said never mind. I hoovered through door, went to get plug and start, mum shouted What are you doing now? I said Just hoovering kitchen and smiled. Mum said Why, you've already done it once. I said I only came in door I've not done kitchen yet, I won't be long and smiled again. She flounced out. I don't know why but she'd gone from happy and jokey to annoyed and mad.
I finished and went in room smiling. I mentioned weather to get her chatting. She gave me dirty look and sat glaring at me. I smiled again trying to defuse things. Mum said Don't smile at me!! I asked Why whats a matter? and off she went. Don't you come in my house cleaning if I want my bl### house cleaning I'll bl#### clean it myself I don't need you coming in here doing it you can just get out and go home! I said Why are you angry mum we were joking a few minutes ago and both cleaning.
We had about 10 minutes of mum saying she hadn't been joking and hadn't been cleaning, I'd just come in and done her cleaning, who was I to do that in her house, she could do it herself. I tried explain she had said we'd clean today, I hadn't just started I'd asked first, she was doing it too and we'd been joking about it. She denied it all, said I just came and did it, acted like she was dirty and if I didn't like it I could just take myself off out of there and go. I told her again what I'd said, what we'd done and she shouted NO! then went quiet.
I thought let her calm down a bit, we sat in silence for 10 minutes and she started again. I said I'm sorry I upset you mum I wasn't meaning to I was just trying to help. She said she didn't need my help, I wasn't helping I was making out she was dirty and just did it. I tried explain again but she denied doing anything or agreeing to us cleaning. She said I'm not dirty I changed my bed yesterday! I said I know that's when you said would do rest today. Mum said I was going to clean kitchen and bathroom today so there! I said Ok that's good. She said So I'm not dirty, but you stopped me. I asked How did I stop you? Mum said Because you came and just started doing things. I said I didn't, when I came you were sat colouring and I asked if we were cleaning today cos you said we would yesterday, I didn't stop you doing anything.
Mum stomped off to bathroom took shower curtain down came to door and said Look I'm washing this so there! Made a big fuss of taking everything out of bathroom into kitchen. She said Are you going home then I said No. Mum went back in bathroom with cif and cloth banging about for few minutes then came out again and said You're on about me not cleaning how do you know you haven't even rung me for weeks. I said I come every day mum. She said You don't, when did you last come before today? So I told her yesterday and she had me go through what time I came and left every day this week. She'd sat down by time I finished week and she said Oh I'm sorry. I said Thank you.
She asked why I was telling her when to clean and I said I had asked her because she'd talked about it yesterday and it hadn't been done for a while. She said it had, then asked me how long I thought it had been. It was 29th april last time hoovered and cleaned and 5th may she had dusted living room. Mum used her usual excuse of age and not being up to cleaning all time like used to. I said That's why I offered to help, I'm happy to do it for you or with you. Then other excuse, There's only me in house it doesn't get dirty. I said in 2 weeks mum even an empty house gets dusty, you said yourself when I was hoovering you drop crumbs. I'm here everyday, carers come twice a week and hubby comes most days too so it's not just you.
She had calmed down a bit but still not happy, said I shouldn't be telling her its dirty and it wasn't, where was the dirt? I said It isn't now we've just cleaned but it was dusty mum. She told me I made her feel like I thought she was filthy and stupid for not doing it and I shouldn't be telling her to clean her house. I said Sorry I don't mean to upset you mum. I told her in past she'd told me to tell her if she ever got dirty or her house did. She'd go mad at me or sis if our house hadn't been cleaned for a fortnight. She used to always clean and so I was just trying to remind her and help her keep that way. She went over it a few more times, asked why I had done some today, I reminded her what we'd said before and during and eventually she calmed down.
She went back to bathroom and I thought I'd leave her to it unless she asked for help and let things calm. After few minutes she came out with something, I didn't look up and Mum said Are you going home? I said No, Mum said Well you might as well cos you've got a face like a busted clog. I'd thought we were on road to being ok so was bit disgruntled by her saying that. I said Well you've just been getting on at me for last 1/2 hour mum, She said Oh. I tried make it a bit jokey and said You don't look so smiley yourself Mum said No I bet I don't and then smiled.
She went back to cleaning bathroom, she asked me same question 12 times in 15 minutes about shower seat cover then paused a bit and went on to asking about limescale on shower lead so I went in to see. She went off to get cif to clean it even though had one in bathroom already. She noticed washer was done and said she was going to empty it. She walked up and down hall a few times as if not sure what doing. I gently reminded her about washing and went in kitchen with her. Mum said When I've put washing out shall we just have our lunch and I'll finish bathroom later? I said Do you want me to finish bathroom while you do washing so we can move all this and have room to make lunch? Mum agreed, she said she'd cleaned everything stuff just needed putting back. She'd only done shower, tiles and seat so I cleaned rest and put everything back apart from things that go on floor as mum said she was going to mop it later.
I finished just as mum was starting to get things out for lunch and was getting bit mixed up with what needed so I steered her to making tea while I did sandwiches. We put tv on with lunch and were fine. Mum forgot all about washing floor and when she saw things in hall later she asked why they were there. I told her and she said Oh I'll do it tomorrow or tonight maybe so she had me put them back. She brought shower curtain in but was struggling putting it up so I offered and she said Oh yes, thank you love you are good.
She was in better mood but I think still not settled, mid afternoon she said Our (my sister) never bothered to ring me when (my dad) died, she dint care how I felt. I reminded her we knew before sis and we'd told her. Mum was talking as if with dad recently and saying she should have been one told so I reminded her they'd split up etc.
I think she must have been feeling insecure or something this afternoon because bit later she said that 2 neighbours had palled up and she'd got no one and it wasn't fair. I reminded her she hadn't wanted to be that pally with them and she agreed.
A few minutes after that she said Am I missing one? I asked Missing what? Mum said Well I can't have our (sis) cos she's up there and I've got you but is there another one? I asked if she meant another kid and she said yes, I said No, but mum said Oh Yes it's our Andrea I'm missing. I said No mum I'm Andrea, you only have 2 kids me and sis. She said Did I not have 3, Oh I should have had another, I could have had a boy. Then she asked if I was Our Andrea, Her Andrea? and when I said Yes, asked me if I loved her. I said Yes and mum said Good.
A few minutes after that she said Didn't I have a friend? I said she'd had a few over years. Mum said Oh I know who it is its 'friend' and hubby. I wonder if hubby is still with her off our street. I've not seen 'friend' for ages I wonder who she's with now. I tried just mm-ing but she asked me to answer her so I told her she'd not seen them since her and dad split up but sometimes mixes me and hubby up with them. Mum said I saw friends hubby with woman off our street other day didn't I? or was it you? I said Me.
She was quiet for a minute then asked what she was having for dinner today. Quick change or what! We talked about that and then a bit after she asked Is it Saturday tomorrow and said she might ask our Andrea if she could go to her house tomorrow. I said You can mum. Mum said Are you our Andrea? I said Yes, mum smiled and said OK. Sat for few minutes and then said So you're our Andrea, Yep. And you've been coming every day. Yep. Oh you're a good girl.
Apart from asking hubby if he was married to our Andrea while I was in kitchen putting dinner out and staring at me every so often after dinner, she was ok rest of time we were there and we left about 7.
Its been quite a stressful and odd day at times hope yours have been ok x
Not a great day overall today @Bikerbeth and @Woo2 Did some cleaning but it caused a right hooha Mum was ok then flipped and suddenly wasn't.
Fine when got there colouring, thought I'd try suggest cleaning so I said Are we cleaning today? Mum said Oh I don't know why? I said You changed your bed yesterday and said we'd clean up today. So mum said Oh ok then we can do.
I started dusting in room and suggested mum start in bedroom, she popped in to ask where polish was and what I was doing and all was fine. I got hoover and she told me I need to take cushions off sofa as she'd probably dropped crisps. During it mum wanted to go in porch and joked I'd booby trapped her route as I'd put cushions there. She washed front door, came back and joked again about cushions as I'd moved on to other one and blocked other door.
She went into kitchen for a while, I finished room, did bedroom and went into hallway. Mum was in kitchen and said something about there being nothing on floor but when I asked what? she said never mind. I hoovered through door, went to get plug and start, mum shouted What are you doing now? I said Just hoovering kitchen and smiled. Mum said Why, you've already done it once. I said I only came in door I've not done kitchen yet, I won't be long and smiled again. She flounced out. I don't know why but she'd gone from happy and jokey to annoyed and mad.
I finished and went in room smiling. I mentioned weather to get her chatting. She gave me dirty look and sat glaring at me. I smiled again trying to defuse things. Mum said Don't smile at me!! I asked Why whats a matter? and off she went. Don't you come in my house cleaning if I want my bl### house cleaning I'll bl#### clean it myself I don't need you coming in here doing it you can just get out and go home! I said Why are you angry mum we were joking a few minutes ago and both cleaning.
We had about 10 minutes of mum saying she hadn't been joking and hadn't been cleaning, I'd just come in and done her cleaning, who was I to do that in her house, she could do it herself. I tried explain she had said we'd clean today, I hadn't just started I'd asked first, she was doing it too and we'd been joking about it. She denied it all, said I just came and did it, acted like she was dirty and if I didn't like it I could just take myself off out of there and go. I told her again what I'd said, what we'd done and she shouted NO! then went quiet.
I thought let her calm down a bit, we sat in silence for 10 minutes and she started again. I said I'm sorry I upset you mum I wasn't meaning to I was just trying to help. She said she didn't need my help, I wasn't helping I was making out she was dirty and just did it. I tried explain again but she denied doing anything or agreeing to us cleaning. She said I'm not dirty I changed my bed yesterday! I said I know that's when you said would do rest today. Mum said I was going to clean kitchen and bathroom today so there! I said Ok that's good. She said So I'm not dirty, but you stopped me. I asked How did I stop you? Mum said Because you came and just started doing things. I said I didn't, when I came you were sat colouring and I asked if we were cleaning today cos you said we would yesterday, I didn't stop you doing anything.
Mum stomped off to bathroom took shower curtain down came to door and said Look I'm washing this so there! Made a big fuss of taking everything out of bathroom into kitchen. She said Are you going home then I said No. Mum went back in bathroom with cif and cloth banging about for few minutes then came out again and said You're on about me not cleaning how do you know you haven't even rung me for weeks. I said I come every day mum. She said You don't, when did you last come before today? So I told her yesterday and she had me go through what time I came and left every day this week. She'd sat down by time I finished week and she said Oh I'm sorry. I said Thank you.
She asked why I was telling her when to clean and I said I had asked her because she'd talked about it yesterday and it hadn't been done for a while. She said it had, then asked me how long I thought it had been. It was 29th april last time hoovered and cleaned and 5th may she had dusted living room. Mum used her usual excuse of age and not being up to cleaning all time like used to. I said That's why I offered to help, I'm happy to do it for you or with you. Then other excuse, There's only me in house it doesn't get dirty. I said in 2 weeks mum even an empty house gets dusty, you said yourself when I was hoovering you drop crumbs. I'm here everyday, carers come twice a week and hubby comes most days too so it's not just you.
She had calmed down a bit but still not happy, said I shouldn't be telling her its dirty and it wasn't, where was the dirt? I said It isn't now we've just cleaned but it was dusty mum. She told me I made her feel like I thought she was filthy and stupid for not doing it and I shouldn't be telling her to clean her house. I said Sorry I don't mean to upset you mum. I told her in past she'd told me to tell her if she ever got dirty or her house did. She'd go mad at me or sis if our house hadn't been cleaned for a fortnight. She used to always clean and so I was just trying to remind her and help her keep that way. She went over it a few more times, asked why I had done some today, I reminded her what we'd said before and during and eventually she calmed down.
She went back to bathroom and I thought I'd leave her to it unless she asked for help and let things calm. After few minutes she came out with something, I didn't look up and Mum said Are you going home? I said No, Mum said Well you might as well cos you've got a face like a busted clog. I'd thought we were on road to being ok so was bit disgruntled by her saying that. I said Well you've just been getting on at me for last 1/2 hour mum, She said Oh. I tried make it a bit jokey and said You don't look so smiley yourself Mum said No I bet I don't and then smiled.
She went back to cleaning bathroom, she asked me same question 12 times in 15 minutes about shower seat cover then paused a bit and went on to asking about limescale on shower lead so I went in to see. She went off to get cif to clean it even though had one in bathroom already. She noticed washer was done and said she was going to empty it. She walked up and down hall a few times as if not sure what doing. I gently reminded her about washing and went in kitchen with her. Mum said When I've put washing out shall we just have our lunch and I'll finish bathroom later? I said Do you want me to finish bathroom while you do washing so we can move all this and have room to make lunch? Mum agreed, she said she'd cleaned everything stuff just needed putting back. She'd only done shower, tiles and seat so I cleaned rest and put everything back apart from things that go on floor as mum said she was going to mop it later.
I finished just as mum was starting to get things out for lunch and was getting bit mixed up with what needed so I steered her to making tea while I did sandwiches. We put tv on with lunch and were fine. Mum forgot all about washing floor and when she saw things in hall later she asked why they were there. I told her and she said Oh I'll do it tomorrow or tonight maybe so she had me put them back. She brought shower curtain in but was struggling putting it up so I offered and she said Oh yes, thank you love you are good.
She was in better mood but I think still not settled, mid afternoon she said Our (my sister) never bothered to ring me when (my dad) died, she dint care how I felt. I reminded her we knew before sis and we'd told her. Mum was talking as if with dad recently and saying she should have been one told so I reminded her they'd split up etc.
I think she must have been feeling insecure or something this afternoon because bit later she said that 2 neighbours had palled up and she'd got no one and it wasn't fair. I reminded her she hadn't wanted to be that pally with them and she agreed.
A few minutes after that she said Am I missing one? I asked Missing what? Mum said Well I can't have our (sis) cos she's up there and I've got you but is there another one? I asked if she meant another kid and she said yes, I said No, but mum said Oh Yes it's our Andrea I'm missing. I said No mum I'm Andrea, you only have 2 kids me and sis. She said Did I not have 3, Oh I should have had another, I could have had a boy. Then she asked if I was Our Andrea, Her Andrea? and when I said Yes, asked me if I loved her. I said Yes and mum said Good.
A few minutes after that she said Didn't I have a friend? I said she'd had a few over years. Mum said Oh I know who it is its 'friend' and hubby. I wonder if hubby is still with her off our street. I've not seen 'friend' for ages I wonder who she's with now. I tried just mm-ing but she asked me to answer her so I told her she'd not seen them since her and dad split up but sometimes mixes me and hubby up with them. Mum said I saw friends hubby with woman off our street other day didn't I? or was it you? I said Me.
She was quiet for a minute then asked what she was having for dinner today. Quick change or what! We talked about that and then a bit after she asked Is it Saturday tomorrow and said she might ask our Andrea if she could go to her house tomorrow. I said You can mum. Mum said Are you our Andrea? I said Yes, mum smiled and said OK. Sat for few minutes and then said So you're our Andrea, Yep. And you've been coming every day. Yep. Oh you're a good girl.
Apart from asking hubby if he was married to our Andrea while I was in kitchen putting dinner out and staring at me every so often after dinner, she was ok rest of time we were there and we left about 7.
Its been quite a stressful and odd day at times hope yours have been ok x
What a day you had. That roller coaster is definitely no fun at all. The sudden switches in mood are such hard work so no wonder you are feeling stressed.
It was interesting you mentioned about a 3rd child as My Mum is also doing that. My Mum unlike your Mum sometimes does know that I am me and if I mention brother she will remember him but then she always asks about the ‘other one’ who generally lives in Cornwall.
? To you.
It was interesting you mentioned about a 3rd child as My Mum is also doing that. My Mum unlike your Mum sometimes does know that I am me and if I mention brother she will remember him but then she always asks about the ‘other one’ who generally lives in Cornwall.
? To you.
What a day! I think you've got to the crux of the matter of the cleaning though. I think that you cleaning (or perhaps anyone cleaning)
for her confirms her suspicion that something is wrong and that she's not who she used to be. She may not see the dirt or be bothered by that but she is bothered by the thought that she might no longer be the one doing all the duties she considered hers. I suppose being houseproud and capable could have been part of her identity, so feeling she is losing that is hard. The excuses she has help her save face and not have to feel those feelings.
No ideas on how to solve it though; until she stops knowing what she 'should' be doing.
Your mum doesn't seem to have the anosognosia like say, my dad, who is busy dreaming about emigrating to Australia as he 'can't spend the rest of his life here' now he's realised it's not a hotel (I blame the PPE!).
The care home told me that men generally settle better, (probably because a lot of the generation still going into care were waited on hand and foot since childhood so being cared for is very natural to them!).
for her confirms her suspicion that something is wrong and that she's not who she used to be. She may not see the dirt or be bothered by that but she is bothered by the thought that she might no longer be the one doing all the duties she considered hers. I suppose being houseproud and capable could have been part of her identity, so feeling she is losing that is hard. The excuses she has help her save face and not have to feel those feelings.
No ideas on how to solve it though; until she stops knowing what she 'should' be doing.
Your mum doesn't seem to have the anosognosia like say, my dad, who is busy dreaming about emigrating to Australia as he 'can't spend the rest of his life here' now he's realised it's not a hotel (I blame the PPE!).
The care home told me that men generally settle better, (probably because a lot of the generation still going into care were waited on hand and foot since childhood so being cared for is very natural to them!).
My OH would accuse me of stopping him doing things too.
I think he was aware that he was not doing the things that he used to do, but was unable to understand that he was no longer capable of it, so thought it must be me stopping him.
Its all so hard isnt it?
At least you got your mum smiling again
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
The cleaning is def causing issue isn’t it my mum had no problem with me doing it at all so I am no help , I would try and get someone else to do it , could you get a cleaner after Lockdown or as we said before maybe the carer can do a little . I’m sorry you had a difficult day and hope today is better for you .?
my mum had no problem with me doing it at all so I am no help , I would try and get someone else to do it , could you get a cleaner after Lockdown or as we said before maybe the carer can do a little . I’m sorry you had a difficult day and hope today is better for you .?
