Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

[annielou]

Thanks @Sarasa @Wildflowerlady @jennifer1967 xxx
I think thats what people might think of me that i’m unemotional and don’t really care. I have to try really hard not to cry when I talk about mum and I think I sound matter of fact and like don’t care or just don’t say much at all. I’m also very shy and have low confidence so don’t do well at talking to strangers anyway so makes dealing with staff hard but I try for my mums sake.
I’m worrying about getting to see mum today as hubby drops me off and picks me up but today he’s not feeling good. He’s got his heartburny indigestion back this morning. We had cheese n chive dip with cheese twists and roly poly and custard last night and not long after he ate it he laid down watching tele for rest of evening.
He’s woke up this morning burping and tasting the dip, with tummy ache thinking he wants to go to loo and cant and feeling bit sick and gone into panic mode.
Poor hubby is petrified of being ill and really panics which makes him feel worse. I tried being sympathetic when he got back in bed, stroking his arm to calm him down, suggested having some gaviscon and propping himself up a bit cos uncomfy laid flat. He propped head up but that just meant neck bent then lay there gulping for a while. I said he’d be taking in air which will make it worse and try to just breathe and stay calm. He agrees with everything I say cutting me off while saying it but not doing anything. He doesn’t listen he goes in panic mode and keeps getting worked up.
I’m afraid I lost my patience with him this morning and got annoyed at him agreeing with me but doing same thing and saying he was listening when he wasn’t. I feel bad cos I know he’s stressed and worrying about me and mum and he is scared when he's ill but he makes himself worse by panicking and I try being gentle and coaxing him out of it but sometimes I can’t and I don’t have the patience today. I can’t cope with him feeling ill as well as mum.
I know I’m being selfish but I can’t deal with both and I am also worried about him being able to take me to see mum this afternoon.
There’s still hard snow on roads where we come out of our garage and around mums CH and I’m worried if he is feeling bad while driving he’ll panic and not be concentrating. He says he’ll be fine, while at the same time laying in bed gulping and shaking cos he thinks he feels sick.
I do feel sorry for him and normally would be fussing over him but I need him to be ok and strong for me at moment which I know is selfish but I still feel it.

 

[Starting on a journey]

Could you get a taxi there to save him a journey, he could well feel better later this afternoon. Poor mum and poor hubby and poor you who lists all her perceived faults but actually you don’t have any...you are getting on and dealing with difficult situations, well done .
Whatever you decide, take care and stay off the cheese!!

 

[canary]

Poor mum and poor hubby and poor you who lists all her perceived faults but actually you don’t have any...you are getting on and dealing with difficult situations, well done .

Hear hear! I think you have the patience of a saint. ?

I think a taxi might be a good idea.

 

[jennifer1967]

gaviscon best and sit up. my husband used to moan about a headache and wouldnt take paracetamol so i told him to shut up moaning. its not being selfish its trying to help them help themselves. times have moved on and i do fuss over him now hes got dementia and copd, his breathing scares the living daylights out of me sometimes but if i panic he will and his breathing will get worse. you are doing the best you can and i admire you for being so considerate and patient

 

[annielou]

Hubby just got up after saying he felt a bit better, went in bathroom to get ready and started throwing up A LOT. It fair flies out of him bless him. Don't think he'll be taking me anywhere today bless him. Will have to see if can get there in taxi or something.
Trouble is knowing what time I'll leave as mum nods and each day is different, at first once she started nodding about 4 and it started getting dark she'd start talking about me going home and I'd leave between 4 and 1/2 past but last couple of day she's wanted me to stay longer and yesterday mum was asleep for ages around time I normally go. I didn't want to wake her or leave while asleep so stayed, then when she woke up she was feeling sick and wanted to sit up for a bit so I stayed to prop her up and keep eye on her till it went off a bit and I didn't leave till bout 1/2 past 5. I'll have to figure it out though as hubby will be hugging the sick bowl (old washing up bowl) rest of day bless him. I think back to the DRs for him after new year.

 

[anxious annie]

It's so very sad to hear what you are going through @annielou . You are being strong , keeping cheerful for your mum, such a difficult thing to do . It's understandable you will need to release this through tears , and am sure your sister and hubby are there for you. Sending hugs and strength for you to carry on supporting your lovely mum. The carers will know what you are going through, and that people handle this in different ways xx

 

[jennifer1967]

sorry to hear husband is vomiting. cant you phone taxi while you are with your mum when you are ready. wont be double fare until tomorrow i dont think.

 

[annielou]

Thanks for you replies xxxxxxx
Hubby is up and had shower, got dressed etc, had a drink and a couple of rich tea biscuits (bland but sweet a thing we always have when we feel ropey) and he's now sat on sofa nodding for last hour. He says he'll be ok to drop me off but I'm not sure, in past when had this he's been ok for couple of hours then started being sick again.
I was messaging my sister earlier and she suggested going in a taxi and then if hubby not been sick again and is feeling ok later let him pick me up so I might do that, though he says he wants to take me.
Once mum starts talking about me going home I tend to leave quite soon as she starts worrying about me walking home alone and gets bit confused about how I'm getting back home. I usually text hubby to pick me up and then leave a minute or two later and go find someone to let me out of home, sometimes that takes a while, or I chat to staff for a few minutes before I leave and others I'm out straight away. If I'm out before hubby arrives I usually walk onto main road to meet him and if I take a while like yesterday he waits in car outside CH gate so that might be bit awkward to time with a taxi. I may just have to leave when mum is ready for me to and then call for a taxi from outside home gate and wait on street till it arrives. I don't want to ring for taxi in mums room as when I rang hubby in her room before she got confused and upset about how I was getting home and if she was going and where she was, so I've text him since then and just tell mum he's outside, so I don't want to risk talking to taxi firm giving address while I'm with mum. I'll call from outside and just wait if hubby not ok and need a taxi home. I need to stop whittling and just get on. I do make a mountain out of a molehill don't I, you can see why hubby gets stressed living with me can't you.

 

[Woo2]

@annielou ! Stop putting yourself down , you are doing amazing , keeping it all together , looking after everyone else . Please look after you too. Agree with others and sis , get a taxi there and if hubby better later he can collect you. Taxi driver should be wearing a mask , wear yours and take your hand sanitizer and give them good clean when you get to CH . Sure it will be ok . Take care .

 

[annielou]

Got a taxi, wore mask and sanitised after got out and as usual when got in care home. Mum had just woke up when I arrived and was ok for bout quarter of an hour then sicky feeling was bothering her. She was sick a little bit ago, just orangey liquid but she still feels yucky bless her.

 

[Woo2]

Glad you got there ok , sorry Mum had been a bit sick , there is anti sickness injections , I and I daughter have had them , maybe an option if she doesn’t feel better soon .

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @annielou, hope your husband is feeling better and that something can be sorted to make your mum feel less sick and more like eating.
Don't forget to look after yourself.

 

[anxious annie]

Glad that you got to see your mum @annielou . Hoping that the Drs can give her something to stop the sickness and yucky feeling. I hope that hubby is feeling better too xx

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa @anxious annie and @Starting on a journey @canary @jennifer1967 for replies to my posts today. xxxxxxxx
Mum was feeling sick most of todays visit apart from when she nodded off bless her. I told nurse before I left about her being sick and still feeling it and asked if any anti sickness medication could take and said GP had mentioned injections. DM/nurse was passing at time and he said he'd chase it up, other nurse said she had something could give her and they said they'd go see her and sort it.
Hubby had been feeling ok but then was sick again about 1/4 to 4 so I was thinking of getting a taxi back home but I didn't leave till after 5 and hubby said he was feeling bit better then and would pick me up so he did. He's been nodding and reclining on sofa most of time since we got back and had pack of mini breadsticks and some water. He's still got bit of tenderness just above his stomach above his waist.
DM/nurse rang me about an hour or so after I got home, he said GP was keen to sort mums mycare plan out and explained its not normal care plan but plan for when someone is coming to end of their life. He was very nice and gentle about it and said he knows it's not nice thing to discuss or easy. I said it was ok I'd been thinking that was GP was saying when spoke to her and had been half expecting them to ask me some questions soon. I bet it's as hard for them to ask the questions as us to hear them.
He wanted to ask me if minded mum having bed rails on as she has slipped out of bed a few times. I said I didn't. Mum puts her legs out of bed but can't get them back in under her own steam someone has to help her lift them, we've gone in room a few times to see her laid on bed with legs out of bed on floor after she's moved but can't get them back in and she does lay close to end of bed so I have wondered about her possibly sliding out. I always make sure she's in bed with legs on bed before I leave. I'm not sure how mum will react though to having sides up but I think it's a good idea.
He also asked if mum had a funeral plan or if we had a preference which undertakers to use, I said mum hasn't but we'd probably use same place used for my dad as were nice, I said I'd ask my sister so he said I could let other nurse know when go tomorrow. So I rang my sister tonight to ask about it and talk a bit about mum.
I wondered if she wanted to come see mum in the CH and If she wanted to ring and talk to CH herself to get idea from them how mum was instead of just going on me updating her. Sis says she's happy with me updating her she trusts me. I said that's good but there may be things you would like to know I haven't remembered or haven't thought to ask so I thought I'd ask if you wanted to. She is going to think about it tonight and might ring tomorrow.
She isn't sure if she wants to see mum how she is, she saw her a couple of week ago through the glass and I think she maybe doesn't want to see mum how she is now, but she doesn't want mum to think she hasn't been and doesn't care. Mum has asked where she is a couple of times but I just say She's at home in-- and mum says Oh yes, I told sis mum seems to just think she's not feeling good cos she's not eating and she'll be ok when she does and doesn't seem to be aware of anything else happening at moment. I said I'd tell my sister if mum was asking for her and upset at not seeing her but so far she hasn't been, we sometimes chat about virus and people not being able to visit and she accepts that. Mum doesn't really seem to wonder why I'm allowed to go in visiting if no one else is, I think it has just become normal now. So sis is having a think about what to do, She's not sure if she'd be allowed to go n to CH to visit if I am anyway but I think that she would be able to in the circumstances, even if we had to go in seperate I think we'd both be allowed to visit mum. I've told my sister I don't mind either way it's up to her to do what feels right for her, I'm ok with whatever she feels.
My sister knows I want to see mum and will when I can, so knows mum will see someone close. I'll keep going in to see Mum while ever I'm allowed. Hard as it is to see mum so frail, especially today when she didn't know what to do with herself as felt sick most of time, I'd rather see her than not. Not seeing her and not being with mum when I could be would be torture for me, but me and my sister are different people and have different relationships with mum and different ways of dealing with things so each have to do what is right for us.

 

[Woo2]

We all have to do what we think is best and sometimes the strongest of people can’t deal with what we would expect them to , at least she knows and you are keeping her fully updated just how Mum is . I’m glad the DM was gentle and respectful . Such a difficult time for you all ? hope Mum gets the injections soon and can feel a bit better .Glad hubby is feeling a little better , it’s draining being/feeling ill . Take care of you too please . Big hugs? x

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Woo2 x

 

[Sarasa]

So glad the DM was able to have that difficult conversation with you @annielou. I think between the home and you, you are doing all that can be done to make your mum comfortable. Do look after yourself too though.
I hope your husband is feeling a bit better today.

 

[annielou]

Thanks @Sarasa x
My sister rang care home this morning and spoke to one of nurses about mum. Mums not been sick since I left yesterday (which is good) but not eaten anything either (I don't think she will now) and she is much the same. She said she didn't think anything happening was imminent but you never know. My sister said she's going to get things ready at home in case she, or me feel she should come down. I think she's still undecided if wants to see mum in CH or not. I'll leave that up to her to decide and just keep telling her how mum is when I'm there. I'm still going to go everyday while I can, I wonder if I should go earlier and stay longer or whether to stick to going around 2 for 2 hours or so for now?
Hubby is feeling lot better today, ? fingers crossed he stays that way.

 

[Woo2]

I’m glad sis has rung and been updated by nurse , that way there is no emotion involved and she can be clear about how things are , i think you are holding yourself with the most dignity and compassion and thoughtfulness .
Go when it and for as long as it suits you , I’m sure it doesn’t affect anyone else what time you go .

so pleased hubby is feeling much better . X

 

[Lone Wolf]

Dear annielou, I don't know if this will be of any help. My BIL's father was a GP and he always said most people will sip flatish lemonade if nothing else. It kept my Ann going when she stopped eating & drinking for a number of days in hospital last year, given (gently) by me via disposable dropper to the mouth. At the very least, if Mum will take a few drops at a time, it may help to keep mouth & lips from being dry & uncomfortable. Do visit Mum as much as you can without overstressing yourself so as to maximise your time with her.