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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,798
Hope you enjoy the film @annielou. It sounds like you are slowly un-winding after all those months of tension and that your mum is fine, if a little confused. When she can mix with other residents I'm sure she'll be even better, though maybe more confused as to where she is. As long as she is content wherever she thinks she is that sounds OK>
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,700
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @Sarasa xx
Mum was a bit flat sounding and confused but she did laugh when I joked and didn't sound angry or really upset either so that's something. I think she can't work out where she is and why she's there which has been a recurring thing with mum for a while now so to be expected it will continue I suppose.
I enjoyed the film and so did hubby.
I had a wobble when it finished though cos I was thinking about mum cos she likes Star Wars too and she's not seen this one either and probably won't get to see it now. She's unlikely to be coming over to our house for some time now, if she stays in CH and covid is still around she won't be allowed to come out visiting which made me sad thinking about it. Though I'm not sure if she'd follow film now to be honest, she was struggling when she saw last one as she loses track of story on things so she may not have watched it anyway I suppose.
Content sounds good @Sarasa , I'd be happy with her being content 🤞
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,614
Bedford
I don’t think my Mum can work out where she is but I guess if at some point there is an acceptance that the place is home that is good. It is still early days for your Mum. Roll on end of quarantine.
What is the big knit? Is it a charity event? I got lost with Star Wars films once they did prequels and now have no idea what I have seen or not. I do love a good film though
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,798
I was going to say I get lost with Star Wars too. Due to my poor hearing and lack of subtitles the first time I saw it, I only knew Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's dad years later! I liked the first too in the current trilogy , the third one not so much.
I know what you mean about being sad about not being able to do something with your PWD that they used to love @annielou . Mum and I loved going for a mooch round the shops, an then out for a lunch with a glass of wine while we put the world to rights. The last couple of times I took her out it was more like herding a large not very co-operative toddler.
Things seem to be moving in the right direction for both you and your mum at the moment. I know it's not want either of wanted, but it is the best of what was possible. {{{hugs}}}
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,700
Yorkshire
Thanks @Bikerbeth @Sarasa xx
Mum was taking more leading and watching like a toddler too while shopping before lockdown. She mainly used to walk slightly behind me so she could follow me, if she was leading she would often go back on herself when walking round shops forgetting which bits she'd seen and which bits she hadn't and if I said I'll just pop over there for something and left her for a minute she was never in same place when I got back. Same with looking at something, if I took too long she'd be wandering off. I'll still miss it though like you do Sarasa x
We've been adjusting things we watch for a while cos mum struggles a bit to follow some things, its worse if characters look a like as she forgets who is who then and series with twists and turns are a no no too as she can't remember who did what in last episode.
Hubby got mum into Star wars when my sisters kids were young and used to watch it with them, at first mum wasn't interested but one day she was here and they asked for it on. We said maybe another day cos nannans not a fan but mum said it was Ok she'd do her knitting and didn't mind if it was on in background. We put it on and after a while noticed mum had stopped knitting and was watching it. When it finished mum asked if there were any more and we ended up putting another on and then had to promise not to watch the other till she came back the next day and since then she's enjoyed them. Hubby absolutely loves star wars, ever since he saw first one in cinema when he was about 8 he's loved it. He had them all on video and now DVD and watches them over and over. He got me watching them, then our niece and nephews and then my mum. Its been quite a regular thing when my sisters kids have visited over the years for us to watch them, or when mums has stayed over at Christmas if we've not got much to watch on tele we'd often start watching them all again. My favourites are the original 3, the middle of the story.
The big knit is a charity knit for ageuk, people knit little hats for innocent smoothie bottles then donate them and innocent put them on top of their bottles and sell them, for every one sold 25p goes to ageuk. Its been running for quite a few years and I've always thought I might knit some but never have till now. Although I've only done one so far lol.
www.thebigknit.co.uk
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,700
Yorkshire
My sister rang CH this morning and they said Mum had really good day yesterday, nice conversations and with it but then slipped back in evening. They got her to have a shower and mum let one of staff help her yesterday but they said she's not having them regularly as she is insisting on self care and not doing it very well. They've not managed to get many of her clothes off her to wash, she must still have them packed by sounds of it cos they said last week she wouldn't unpack. Sis asked if mum needed more clothes bringing in and they said some more undies and nighties would be helpful in case they can't get them off her to wash them. They said she is out of isolation on Thursday so will look to move her then and are going to extend mums DOLs cos worried she will want to leave. My sister asked about visiting and they said not sure whether a good idea at moment but appreciates we will want to see her as soon as possible but wants to see how mum goes on.
Not the best news on how she's doing but to be expected I suppose. I think moving her rooms would be a good time for them to be trying to get her clothes to wash and her unpacked. They could maybe take case first telling mum they'll take it to room for her and then say unpacked it and took case to save her space and will give it back when she needs it. I imagine mum might kick off though but it could be worth a try. Other than that when she's out of room at loo or bathroom would have been a good chance to sneak in her case and take out what she had on day before but I imagine by now everything is all mixed up, worn and unworn together and nobody will know whats been worn and what hasn't. They'll be creased up too and with mum not washing much and clothes not being washed I imagine she looks a bit of a state now. I'm not sure if they're allowed to do that or if not at moment cos she's new and unsettled and trying to keep her on side and not overly upset her. At least at home she hung her clothes back up before wearing them again and I managed occasionally to talk her into fact she had worn things multiple times and putting it in wash and I would sometimes sneak things in wash too. I wasn't doing great at it though and I wasn't doing well on the shower front either once I was no longer staying with her as I missed the opportunity to remind her on a morning when she would normally do it. If I'd been better at persuading and convincing mum to do things she wouldn't have ended up needing to be in CH so I can't blame them for struggling to convince and persuade her either.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,603
South coast
Actually I think it all sounds pretty good. Im sure the carers are treating your mum with kid gloves at the moment and dont want to upset her by pushing things too far. Im sure they will be able to do more as she settles, though.
I expect that once she is allowed to join in with everything else that will be the time that they will unpack and sort out her clothes.
Mum spent the first 6 weeks in her care home packing to "go home", but she settled really well after that.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,760
South East
@annielou , it is categorically nothing you have done or not done that has your mum in the home , it’s the Dementia ! Please do not allow that thought in to your head , you did everything you could and actually kept your mum home longer than would of been possible in any other circumstances . She needs time , once she is out of isolation and they can get her in her room I’m sure they will unpack her clothes, they are used to it and will have the skills and training and experience to be able to do it without upsetting her . Everything is so up in the air at the moment but I’m sure once she is settled in her own room it will be better . You are doing just great , remember that . 🤗 Sending the stick to beat that guilt monster with . Xx
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
435
@annielou bash the guilt monster you did more than anyone could expect. I can categorically state that I could not have coped as you have for the last year.
Get on knitting those little hats....and knit a mask for that guilt monster to shut him up whilst you are at it!!!
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,798
I agree with what everyone else is saying. Your mum is doing really well, and once she's moved to her permeant room the staff will work to get her clothes unpacked and sorted. When she can mix with others I'm sure she'll start to settle properly.
You went above and beyond what was to be expected to try and keep her at home. I'd have thrown in the towel months ago.
Enjoy the hat making. A few of us did it at work a few years ago, and I enjoyed trying out different designs. I would think about making your mum something (in washable wool). it would make you feel better for a start.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
875
Hi @annielou, the care home staff should be well versed in dealing with Mum's situation, I know we think that our loved one is presenting unique issues but what I found after dealing with the home for a while, they were fairly commonplace. The main thing is Mum's wellbeing and when she is out of isolation that should make things easier for her, hopefully the home put on events and activities that Mum could take part in.

It was nearly a year ago that you joined, and I remember at that time your Mum probably needed 24 hour care (your were staying in a camp bed at hers for some time I remember), and to look after Mum for all that time is truly commendable and quite astonishing but can also take quite a heavy toll on everyone. You really couldn't have done any more.

Take care
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
506
If I'd been better at persuading and convincing mum to do things she wouldn't have ended up needing to be in CH so I can't blame them for struggling to convince and persuade her either.
@annielou this isn't true. Nothing could have prevented mum going into a care home. If you hadn't been there giving near 24hr care she'd have been in there long ago because she's have wandered off or something else, months ago. And social services would have had to have done it all on their own.

Dementia did this, not you.

No-one settles into a care home in days - it takes a while and as I said before it's gently gently at the beginning while they work out what your mum will and won't accept. My dad didn't bathe or change clothes for weeks probably at the beginning and now he has a full on bath almost every day and certainly has his foot cream on every day which was previously unheard of. It's been months and months of work for them to get dad to this point and men are supposed to be easier than women (used to being coddled, apparently!).

I think the guilt monster would wear a particularly ugly balaclava, what do you think? Maybe you could knit an entire monster to bash at your leisure!
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,700
Yorkshire
Thanks for your replies and kindness and sensible words @canary @Woo2 @Starting on a journey @Sarasa @Pete1 @imthedaughter xxxxxx
I did say something similar to my sister that I wonder if they're trying not to stress her more than need be at moment and hoping she settles and they can build a relationship and some trust between them after mums been there longer before trying too hard to persuade her.
At the minute I imagine mum sort of sitting on guard by her stuff, maybe when she is in main part of home there will be more chance for them to unpack or take things away for washing without mum standing guard. I imagine she'll be more confused and upset when she moves but I'm hoping eventually she'll settle down and let them wash her clothes and get showered. I suppose it's the stage she's at now where she isn't easy to persuade or convince to do things whoever is trying. Mum always was stubborn and took offence easy and dementia has just changed the things she gets that way about. As you say they'll have had experience of people like mum before so probably have more ideas to try than I had too. Its not going to happen overnight that mum settles in, though I wish it would for her sake and actually for mine and my sisters too but hopefully she will settle to some point eventually.
In the meantime I've been to mums tonight and picked up a few more nighties and socks and ordered some new undies to come tomorrow so I can wash and label them and drop them of at CH in next couple of days as suggested to sis today. So at least she'll have a few more fresh ones if hers don't get washed for a while.
The knitted mask/balaclava for the guilt monster made me laugh thanks for that 😁 I'm going to go watch some tv with hubby and maybe knit another hat as I've not done anymore yet. Thanks for all your kind wise words xxxxxx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,760
South East
The tv and knitting sounds perfect .... enjoy . Allow yourself some down time and not think of anything else but the here and now 🤗x
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,614
Bedford
I think everyone else has said it so well. I could not find the stick to hit the guilt monster with so I sent a fire breathing dragon to defend you 🐉 instead