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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,643
Bedford
It is good to hear that your Mum is settling so it is looking positive for next week when she is able to socialise. So as Diane said - wack that guilt monster away and give yourself a break. If your Mum is happy enough to make the staff laugh then I think you are ‘allowed’ to do something you want to do without feeling bad. I know it is not easy and your life (and hubby’s) has changed considerably.
You say your Mum might find it odd not paying for items. I just tell my Mum that it is like an all inclusive luxury holiday so she does not have to pay for anything and make a joke about it. It has taken time but she no longer asks for money and seems to accept that other items just ‘appear’
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
508
Hi @annielou now dad is LA funded what I have had to do is pay his LA amount weekly.

His pensions still go into his bank account then we have to pay the LA back a bit, as it were.

I've set up a standing order as I have access to his bank account and it's the same amount each week, but I could just pay it weekly or set up direct debit.

Now of course I have to go back to them and tell them dad's pension is being cut due to him owing that £30k to DWP somehow but that's another story!

I have a float at the CH for dad as well, I order anything special he needs like those soft top socks but haircuts and so on or if he wanted some cash to go to the corner shop for a paper which he did at the beginning they could do that for him.
Of course his having money was something to worry about and caused some problems with him thinking it had been stolen so I would avoid it if you can.

I'm afraid I don't call and speak to dad very often as I never know what I'm going to get but I call the home regularly (not every day, maybe once a week on average) and if they can find dad and he's not napping I have a quick chat. Sometimes when dad sees the staff he disappears which I think means he doesn't want to talk at that moment!
 
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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Thanks @Banjomansmate @Bikerbeth @imthedaughter xxx
It was nice to hear nice things about mum, whether he was just saying it or not. I'm sure mum'll be up and down with them just like she was at home with us and in hospital, but hopefully she'll have more good than bad times. Its weird not being there with her and knowing how she is and what mood she's having and relying on someone else to tell you how she is, but I suppose over time I'll get used to it if mum is going to stay there. When I was going to mums each day I never knew what sort of mood she'd be in and when I was visiting her in hospital I was always nervous of the reception I'd get and the mood she'd be in and I'm sure that will be same here when I start visiting, I know I still feel nervous when I phone. No doubt some calls/visits will be good and others bad depending on mums moods and confusion at that time and probably like your dad she'll not always be in mood to talk. Some days when I was at her house she'd say she wasn't in mood for company, forgetting that I needed to be there to give tablets and make dinner. If I did leave/not go she'd usually ring me later wanting company forgetting what she'd said earlier, I suppose in the CH if she doesn't feel like company/talking at the time I ring or visit she will still get her medication and meals and even company provided by the home after I've gone. So I'll have to try remind myself of that if it happens and I feel upset about it.
I think over time mum will get used to not paying for things and possibly with not going out for few months due to covid she will be a bit out of habit anyway which may help. Like you say we can just tell her things are covered in cost of her stay, or something similar to when she got her AA and paid for carers we told her AA paid her and then we used that money to pay carers so it went in her bank from one place and back out to other without her having to give them cash and this is just same thing. I think it's better than mum having to keep track of money in the CH and pay herself and if we do get to take her out at some point we can always give her cash to pay for things then if she wants to.
Good luck with sorting your dads pension out @imthedaughter x
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
512
It all seems very positive @annielou . I'm sure your mum will enjoy activities and meeting other residents when she's out of isolation. I get that how you feel pleased when carers compliment your mum, saying she makes them laugh etc. It's lovely for you to hear.
My mum has a personal allowance that we top up when needed for hairdresser, trips out ( coved permitting), but my sister takes in toiletries and we both get any clothes, chocolate etc.
I'm sure you'll get used to a system that works for you.
Hope you're starting to find things you enjoyed in the past to build a new routine, and developing new interests too X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Called CH this morning to see how mum is and I wanted to ask if ok to drop her some stuff off tomorrow and if I needed to let them know first. She said can just drop stuff anytime. I want to take mums new glasses I picked up yesterday cos she scratched hers when she fell and also take a couple of magazines and some sweets. I asked how mum was and she said Ok mum's still asking to go home and if her daughters are coming for her. I said I hoped she'd stop doing that soon and asked if she was still really upset? She said mum's not really upset but just keeps saying she's going home and hasn't unpacked her stuff, she's got it all at side of her. I said she used to do that in hospital, I kept saying to her why don't you just put it away for a bit while you're here and you'll feel a bit more relaxed but she wouldn't and she said Yes she won't here either, she's very protective of her stuff. I said I'd hoped she'd not be saying wanted go home as much now but she was saying at home too so it's probably stage she's at now but hopefully she'll be a bit better when she can mix more. She said Yeah maybe she'll feel better when she came move about more, walk up and down and talk to people and there's more people for her to talk to her and distract her. She said there's someone up there with her to keep an eye on her who she can talk to but hopefully she'll feel better when she can move about and mix.
It's a shame mum's not unpacked, she kept packing up and sitting with her bags with her in hospital and looks like she's keeping her stuff in case and bags here too, so obviously she's not settled in yet which I suppose is to be expected but it's still a shame. I wonder if them saying she's protective of her stuff means she's putting her dirty stuff back in bags/case and not letting them take it for washing thinking she'll do it when she gets home.I hope not as she'll run out of stuff soon but knowing my mum it probably does mean that. I suppose when she does move room it'll be easier for them to move her as stuff will still be packed up. I hope when they move her to other room after isolation they manage to convince her to unpack and then I can suggest taking case and bags home so she can't repack.
I was thinking when I drop off her glasses and things tomorrow of maybe putting a little note in saying what I've sent her and say I love her lots and I will see her soon when I can visit and if she wants anything to ask staff to let me know and I'll get it for her. I don't know if it's a good idea or will confuse or upset her but thought maybe might be ok.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
762
Lytham St Annes
It’s impossible to say what right or not but I think it’s a good idea, a little note from you like you said....just reiterating that you will see her soon, that she’s just there until Dr discharges her, to settle and unpack and make the most of being waited on etc etc.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Thanks @DianeW x I think I will.
Just had call from CH to let me know mum had a little fall, she's not hurt or upset and says she's ok and is walking fine now. She said mum was walking on corridor when she fell or slipped, she didn't fall heavy it was more like she slipped or staggered into wall and slid down wall and sort of stopped herself. She's checked her over and couldn't see anything only a few little bruises she thought were old as they're going yellow. She asked if mum had fallen before, I told her only before she went in hospital, told her where those bruises were and mentioned they'd said mum had some on her right arm other day which I thought was either because she bumped them going in and out of door or from where mum held her arm when asleep as she'd had a few there when at home at times cos she does bruise easy. She remembered us talking about it as it was her who I talked to other day. She said it sounded like they were ones mum still had that were going yellow apart from she noticed a couple of small yellowy ones on mums legs. She said they would keep eye out for any more bruises after fall and check she was ok. Mum has a tendency to cross her legs and sit with her hand under top leg and sometimes sleeps similar and would get bruises there at times which I think will be the ones on mums legs she noticed.
Mum hasn't really fallen before but her balance could be bit wobbly at times especially after she'd been sat down a while so it could be that, she hasn't walked much since lockdown, just around house and to car and back occasionally and while in hospital apart from mum trying to leave and walking to loo she was mainly sat in her chair and I think she's same at CH too so I suppose her muscles are getting weaker. At home she was sat for long time as didn't really even do much housework anymore and when she did she did get tired easy and sit down a lot. Also mum might have been a bit light headed if she's not eating much in CH cos unsettled and not getting fresh air either. She wasn't eating much in hospital cos she was upset, a few times at home before she went in hospital mum said she was too upset to eat and didn't eat a couple of times but usually if I made it ate with her she would eat but at moment she'll be eating alone so probably not eating as much. Though I don't know for certain, they've not said worried about her eating, but if so hopefully when she's in main part of CH she might eat ok with others around her eating at same time. I hope it's a one off and not start of mum falling and her mobility going. 🤞
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
Shame about the fall but glad it wasn’t major and she hasn’t hurt herself badly . I agree I think the little note will be lovely , once she is in her room and settled /unpacked I’m sure they will let you take cases away and that might help . 🤗 Xxx
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
508
Pre-covid this was a lot easier - I unpacked everything for dad as I knew he wouldn't do it himself. He thought it was magic how everything was in his drawers exactly how it should be. Of course it was just magical me 😂
Anyway this is only a matter of time and the staff will get her unpacked and washing clothes etc. Just give it some time, they have to gain mum's trust and you'll know better than anyone how delicate and valuable that will be.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Thanks @Woo2 @imthedaughter xx I hope the CH staff will persuade her to unpack soon, it would have been better if I could have gone in and done it for mum like you did for your dad, magically :)
I put a little note in with mums glasses and other things I dropped off at CH today saying what I'd sent and that I hoped she was ok and that it was better there than when she was in hospital as she could have some of her things around her to make it more relaxing while she's staying there for a while so they could keep an eye on her for the DRs and that I should be able to visit soon which I was looking forward to and I love her lots. I hope she was ok when she read it and it didn't upset or anger her, I hope she thought I was still thinking about her.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
The note sounds lovely , I’m sure she took it in the way it was meant and it must of made her smile and feel better , the carer’s will prob help remind that she will be able to see you soon. When does mum finish her quarantine ?
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,643
Bedford
That does sound a lovely note to your Mum. I am sorry to hear your Mum had a fall but was unhurt and walking ok again.
if your Mum is not eating well Could you take some of her favourite foods in, providing they can be wiped over - biscuits/cakes. Have you asked the staff - Mum tells me the food is horrible at her home but she is still the same weight as the day she went in. It might put your mind at rest.
With regards to ‘dirt clothes’ being repacked I think you will find that the staff will know what your Mum has been wearing and will have put it through the wash and back into her bag before she knew it.
How are you and hubby doing? Are you managing to do something nice together?
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,875
I'm sure your mum appreciated the note. It's not too long now until you'll be able to go and see how she is for herself, but it sounds like the home are looking after her well. I think as soon as she's able to mix with others she'll start to enjoy herself, at least some of the time.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Thank you @Woo2 @Bikerbeth @Sarasa @Grannie G xxxx I hope she liked the note, Its hard to guess how mum will react to things, when I was with her everyday I couldn't always guess how she'd react and not seeing her makes it harder but I keep telling myself if she's annoyed or upset at something then even though I'm not with her somebody is and that's better than being on her own. I'm not sure which day her quarantine ends they've not said exactly, but she went in thursday afternoon so not sure but think wednesday should be her last day in quarantine and maybe they'll move her rooms during Thursday and allow visiting after that. Mum wasn't eating much at the hospital cos she was upset and worked up a lot of time but nobody's mentioned it at CH so she might be eating ok there. It sounds like mum's not quite as worked up as in hospital but I took her a 6 pack of crisps, a pack of hobnobs, blue ribands, galaxy cake bars, a bag of wispa bites, a terrys orange and a bottle of coke in yesterday just in case she fancied them. I put quite a few goodiess in her bag when I packed for her and I think she had some things left in her hospital bag too so if she's not been eating many goodies her bag'll look like a tuck shop soon :oops: lol
I've been quite lazy and not very productive with my time so far. I've ironed and cleaned up but most of the time I've lolled about. I did put one coat of paint on bathroom on friday and will probably finish that off in next few days. Yesterday I knitted an innocent smoothie hat and watched star wars with hubby. I've been going to knit a few smoothie hats for 'the big knit' since I saw something on Facebook a while ago and had cast one on at mums a few weeks ago but not got far with it so I finished it off yesterday. I made it into a sort of snowman, not sure if it'll be any good but it gave me something to do for a bit. I might knit a few more simple bobble hat type ones as I have a pom pom maker and used to like making them.
Hope everyone is doing ok x
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
512
It sounds like you've been very busy @annielou , not lolling about at all! I think your mum will have appreciated all the goodies you sent in and hopefully she will be out of quarantine soon so you can visit. I hope they start indoor visits too soon so you will be able to see a little of the staff and the home. In the meantime the weather is supposed to be ok this week ( at least where I live) so a garden visit will be good for you to see her.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
I agree , it doesn’t sound like you have been lazy at all ! I would like to be in there with Mum with all those lovely snacks in her bag . I bet she enjoyed her bits from you .
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,715
Yorkshire
Thanks @anxious annie @Woo2 xx I hope they start with inside ones too, think at the moment they are in a sort of semi covered deck area.
I rang the CH this morning to ask how mum was and see if I could talk to her. He said mum was in quite a good mood today but they'd offered her a shower and that didn't go down well, she wasn't having it apparently but apart from that he said she was ok. I asked if I could talk to her and he said he wasn't sure how she'd react cos you never can tell. I said I spoke to her on Monday and she was ok then but I know you never know how will go, fingers crossed she's in a good mood. He took phone up and passed it to woman up there and she took it to mum. She said It's your daughter on the phone, mum said Oh ok, and came on phone she said Hello, she sounded quite flat. I said Hello and asked if she was ok and mum said Yeah, I'm at our -(sis), but I'm coming tomorrow. I just said Ok and changed the subject and asked if she got her new glasses I dropped off. Mum said Yes love they're lovely, I asked if they fit ok and mum said they did. Then I said Did you get your goodies I sent too and mum asked What goodies? So I said I sent some crisps and chocolates in too and mum sort of half laughed and said Oh yeah you did, I joked I'm fattening you up for christmas and mum laughed and say Aye. Then mum asked Is Our -(sis) home , so I said Yes and then mum asked At her house? I said Yeah, and mum said Ok, alright then love I'll see you later bye. She said bye a couple more times and sounded like getting further away like she was putting phone down so I said Ok bye then. A moment later I heard the lady who took the phone in to mum say something to mum like something about being ok love? and then it went quiet. I thought mum was hanging up so I hung up my end but afterwards I thought I hadn't heard dial tone so I'm not sure if she had hung up or not but mum seemed to have finished with the conversation anyway. Mum sounded quite flat and bit confused saying she was at my sisters bless her and not in mood for chatting. I think it took them longer to take phone upstairs and into mum than we were actually talking. I hope lady who took phone didn't think I'd rushed mum off and hung up on her. If she was in room during our short conversation she'd have heard mum saying see you later and bye so hopefully she'll understand it was mum cutting things short but I don't know if she did, oh well it's done now.
I finished painting the bathroom today to give me something else to think about but now it's done and I'm sat I'm thinking bout mum again,. Hubby says he's going to put last episode of star wars on so it takes my mind off things. We missed going to see it when it came out at cinema as I was staying with mum then so we've not seen it yet and he's been desperate to see it bless him. We watched one before this again yesterday cos it's been quite a while since we saw it and I'd forgot what we were up to.
Hope your days have been ok x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,805
South East
I wouldn’t worry @annielou , they see it all the time and realise our loved ones cut us off , if she was in room she would of heard , if she didn’t I’m sure she would t think twice about it . Sounds like it was an ok chat though if brief , better short and sweet . Glad you got other coat on bathroom and that you are going to sit and watch film with hubby . Enjoy , take care . 🤗 Xxxx