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Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
473
I am sure it will all become clear but if it was the other way round you'd be like me, worrying about when dad gets too bad for his home. He's physically better than most of the others but mentally obviously not as good.

I also thought dad was almost not bad enough to be in the home but as it was a safe place I thought I'd see how it went and he has declined quite rapidly and is definitely in the right place. In some ways it's better to overegg it so as to be prepared with dementia unfortunately.

Your mum has some traits - those very lucid moments when she knows she's forgetting or when she realises what people are trying to do - that I think may make people think she's more together than she is really, but her same attitude was what got her into trouble and wandering so clearly she needs to be kept safe.

There's always something to worry about but I think this will probably be like the time I was worried about dad's care assessment worried that he might be told he was fine and should go home but then he was awarded the highest level of care. Sounds silly now eh?! But that was from a throwaway comment one of the carers made as well.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,088
Dorset
Don’t forget that it appears your Mum hasn’t shown any/much of her more difficult behaviours at the home so far. If she has a meltdown about going home they will see what she can be like, just as the hospital staff discovered. Even if she is keeping things under control for now it could all go pear shaped at any moment and will definitely get worse over time. Better for her to be somewhere that can cope with a deterioration of her symptoms over time ( and sadly we know that will happen) than somewhere they suddenly say they can no longer look after her safely and she has to be moved.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
I had many of the same thoughts as you wondering if Mum was in the right Care Home (and still do sometimes) but I agree with what the others have said. Mum started off helping the other residents and still does. Mum still thinks she can do ‘lots of other things’ which is why they let her ‘help’ the staff. It sound like the Home is switched on and doing all they can to help your Mum settle in so it seems possible that each resident will be treated as an individual as it should be not a one size fits all.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @imthedaughter x I hope so.
Thanks @Banjomansmate x I'm not too sure how she's behaved at the care home, They said mum hadn't unpacked and was guarding her things, insisting she does her own personal care but struggling with it, she's been talking about going home but they have said they have managed to distract her, talking about being at work and refusing to take her medication on first day, but I think she is now. I'm not sure if she is better in home than in hospital, she sounds it, that could be due to where she is, or maybe her medication is working better. She had started on mementine the day she went wandering and ended up in hospital and it could be helping to keep her calm now but it wasn't in hospital.
Thanks @Bikerbeth x I didn't know what level of care mum needed so went with what we were told. Now being told different sets me off worrying if its wrong or not.
But it's not us who'll be making the decision if she stays there or goes elsewhere. Its not us saying she may be in wrong place now it's one of people from the care home. But she did only say wondering, and he said they will monitor her closely so we'll have to wait and see what they come up with after this week.
It's very frustrating waiting and wondering. It seems at times while trying to get help for mum that we talk to someone and one thing is said and we think ok this is going to happen, or this is what it is and then something slightly different is said another day, or by someone else and we're like 'What now?'
I find it really annoying to be honest, I'm a worrier at the best of times and worry about doing the wrong thing constantly. I'm no blooming expert on dementia, or social services, or the care system yet I feel like I need to be to know who and what to listen to and what to do. I also find it really hard to sit back and wait for them to decide what mum needs and get worried when they seem to change their minds as mum might be another case to them but she's my only mum and I want the best for her as quickly and easily as possible for her. Unrealistic it seems.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
473
They said mum hadn't unpacked and was guarding her things, insisting she does her own personal care but struggling with it, she's been talking about going home but they have said they have managed to distract her, talking about being at work and refusing to take her medication on first day, but I think she is now. I'm not sure if she is better in home than in hospital, she sounds it, that could be due to where she is, or maybe her medication is working better. She had started on mementine the day she went wandering and ended up in hospital and it could be helping to keep her calm now but it wasn't in hospital.
Sounds like she's in the right place to me (no expert either mind!) It sounds like she needs a lot of help with day to day life - which we know is true.
I think it's less that she's better/worse than the hospital, more that they expect less of her in the home.
I am also a worrier and frankly if there's nothing to worry about, I worry about that too, so there will always be something - it's just that some are bigger than others!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,551
Bedford
‘I am also a worrier and frankly if there's nothing to worry about, I worry about that too, so there will always be something - it's just that some are bigger than others!‘

I am glad it is not just me @imthedaughter although I am getting slightly better with age
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
@imthedaughter @Bikerbeth I used to say something similar to mum about her as she was a worrier too and she used to say it back to me. I think I have got worse as I’ve got older 😕
I need to stop worrying so much over things I can do nothing about though, this is out of our hands for now so we need to just wait and see.
I think I need to record that and keep playing it to myself record🎤🎧
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
885
High Peak
'mum seems switched on but isn't really' says the deputy manager. I'm glad they can see this because it's this aspect that put her in danger at home.

When I moved my mum to a care home she was very articulate and convincing. Enough that a visitor let her out as she was standing at the door with her bag and coat on. She didn't get far fortunately! When I visited I saw other residents immobile in front of the TV in the lounge, some barely conscious, some in obvious distress or shouting out and thought mum was in the wrong place. But in many ways she was more 'trouble' for the staff because she would wander at night, go up and down in the lift and was very resistant to carers. During the day she was (mostly) OK but at night she really needed that extra care.

And not to put too fine a point on it, she continued to deteriorate...
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @Jaded'n'faded x my mum can seem ok when you chat to her if you take what she says at face value and don’t know the real truth. Physicaly she is pretty good its her confusion and upset and her ability to complete tasks to look after herself that is mums problem and like yours she is resistant to help.
My sister has spoke to deputy manager more times than me, I seem to drop on others more, but when I did and from what sis has said he does seem to have a good idea of mum. Some of the things he’s said have summed mum up pretty well so my sister thinks he will be an opinion worth listening to and I think I agree.
We think mum definately needs care in a CH, from what we were told before we thought this was right place, but if its decided it’s not best fit for her then we’ll have to see what they say and hopefully we’ll discuss it at next meeting held by nhs and ss social workers after assessment is done.
Maybe mum would have been better in home with people at different stages rather than this one if everyone in it is further on but we didn’t know that at time mum went there so we’ll have to see.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
410
Hi @annielou , I'm sure things will sort themselves out. My mum often comes across well , for short spells, but can't hold it together for very long, then her true needs are revealed. There will be people at the home who see this and be able to talk about her needs at the assessment meeting. I hope your mum is enjoying the activities and company X
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
701
@annielou it is a difficult time. If it is any consolation, we found that Mummy formed strong bonds with the staff and that after a while, the levels of capacity among other residents weren't really the issue. It was more that the unit could acommodate Mummy at that point, and crucially, going forward as her care needs became greater. Like your Mum, Mummy could be very convincing and loved a good chat, but couldn't keep this up for very long and was a real absconding risk. For this reason and for the increasing dementia, she needed residential care with an EMI unit. She also really needed stability - i.e. to stay where she was, which she did and have the routines that gave her comfort. It sounds as though this is what your Mum needs to, and I think the CH staff are getting to know her and understanding that.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks @anxious annie @Helly68 xx yes mum does sound similar to your mums in being able to hold it together for a while and chat and also same with the absconding risk too. Hopefully when finished assessment they will have good idea of her needs. The waiting and wondering is a pain though but then don’t want them to rush into decisions either I suppose.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
473
I do think that your mum is still a 'flight risk' - unfortunately this is unlikely to change. I suppose my dad is also an absconder, but it's not usually in pursuit of 'home', just popping out for... oh no he has forgotten.

Of course there's nothing wrong with him but the others there are 'all crackers'! But he's the only one there under the care of the mental health team...

Dad doesn't seem to interact with the residents so much, they are more like neighbours he's not very close with. The carers hold much more focus.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
735
Lytham St Annes
I don’t know if you have even considered this yet but I think it’s an idea that you do think about....your Mum’s bungalow.

She is not going to be going back there so maybe now is the time to go and have a good sort out, maybe ask your sister to help if she comes down for a few days.....I know nothing is permanent yet but it’s going to be and by getting started it will make the final task a bit easier.

I don’t mean clear everything just start sorting and boxing things up etc.

It’s just another uncomfortable task that is going to need doing...just an idea x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,390
South coast
Its a good idea to start sorting things out.
If you cant bear the start packing things away, just clear out the rubbish and start sorting things out.
My mum had so much junk and broken stuff around - I had no idea.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
735
Lytham St Annes
Oh it’s a nightmare job, when I cleared my Uncles house there was just so much stuff...it looked quite fine until you really started and then the things they had kept over the years was unbelievable.

I was poorly too with pleurisy at the time which was so debilitating, and needed to get it cleared and keys handed back quickly......awful time.

The stuff I gave to charity was unbelievable and many many trips to the tip.

So that’s why I suggested make a start, and decide who or what your going to do with things.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,636
Yorkshire
Thanks xxx
I went through a lot of mums wardrobe while mum was in hospital and I was sorting her clothes to pack some up for the care home. Took a few bags of clothes out for charity and rubbish. There's still more to do though as she has a few boxes on top of wardrobe with other season clothes in that need going through too. She'll need warmer cardis and things with long sleeves soon so will need to take her some to CH when decisions been made. I'm not looking forward to going through mums house and deciding what to keep and get rid off, it feels odd being in mums house without her being there and going through her things without her will be even odder and harder but it'll have to be done. Luckily it's only a small bungalow and we got rid of lots of things when mum moved in about 13 years ago. I think my loft will be having quite a few boxes of mums things taking up residence for a while though.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
It took me several weeks of going up and clearing rubbish, I bought the rubbish home too and filled a large skip , my loft is jammed packed with boxes . I felt like an intruder , it’s the most uncomfortable feeling . I did most of it alone , if you can have company whilst doing it , makes it a little easier .
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,687
When mum moved into care last year it took me quite a few weeks to get going on sorting out her flat. For the first weeks I wasn't at all sure that someone would say she had capacity and could return home, so even though we had a buyer for the flat I didn't want to sort out too much. I did get rid of all the food in the fridge and clean out the kitchen cupboards and sort out extra clothes for the care home.
When it became definite she wouldn't be returning, I started to clear things out. My husband helped a bit, but it was mainly just me. Mum wasn't a hoarder and had a compact two bed flat so there really wasn't that much, but it still took ages.
I have two or three boxes of stuff in my loft, but I did manage to get most stuff to charity shops or off load it via freecycle.
You just have to put a very hard head on and try not to think about it being your mum's stuff and what it meant to her or to you.
 

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