Where have they all gone?

[Rishile]

Most of you are aware of my sorry story so I won't bore you all with it But, during the months that OH was away, some people were really good to me. Our neighbours helped on a number of occasions and my half-brother was always on the end of the phone if I needed him. There were also a couple of friends that dropped everything to help me when I needed some help.

However, OH has now been home for ten months and they have all disappeared. Our neighbours now rush indoors if they see us coming and my half-brother's conversations have reduced from one hour, twice per week to five minutes every couple of months. I haven't heard from the friends since he came home.

At first I thought they were giving us time and space to settle down but it seems more than that now. I have to admit to being disappointed.

 

[SkyeD]

Sorry to hear this @Rishile

It beggars belief how some people give help then back off. Maybe they think that you can cope on your own? I can totally understand your disappointment.

Remember that you still have lots of us on here to support you, albeit virtually.
S x

 

[Rishile]

Sorry to hear this @Rishile

It beggars belief how some people give help then back off. Maybe they think that you can cope on your own? I can totally understand your disappointment.

Remember that you still have lots of us on here to support you, albeit virtually.
S x

I am coping on my own but it seems to me that they are blaming OH for having dementia. Our neighbour was in his front garden recently. I got in our car and called out 'hello'. He said 'hello', saw OH and dashed indoors.

I never took their help for granted and repaid them with flowers and a bottle of wine at Christmas, asked them round for drinks and nibbles just before Christmas and took them out to lunch to thank them.

I would just like them to be neighbours again as they have been for 40 years.

 

[Kevinl]

Hard one to answer, I got a lot of help from friends and neighbours too, when my wife and my mum (the reasons I post on here) passed away the visits and offers of help did drop off a lot, however, in their defence I would have to say they have lives of their own.
They helped me when I needed it and I'm so grateful to them for doing that but they do have their own lives to lead.
Help is a gift not a responsibility or a duty.
I had no family locally to help out no that I'd expect them too, but friends and neighbours are a bonus not a right.
Sorry just read my post back and it sounds a bit harsh and please don't take it personally but caring, helping out or whatever is a gift. K

 

[Rishile]

N

Hard one to answer, I got a lot of help from friends and neighbours too, when my wife and my mum (the reasons I post on here) passed away the visits and offers of help did drop off a lot, however, in their defence I would have to say they have lives of their own.
They helped me when I needed it and I'm so grateful to them for doing that but they do have their own lives to lead.
Help is a gift not a responsibility or a duty.
I had no family locally to help out no that I'd expect them too, but friends and neighbours are a bonus not a right.
Sorry just read my post back and it sounds a bit harsh and please don't take it personally but caring, helping out or whatever is a gift. K

No, you don't sound harsh and I totally agree with you. I am not asking them for help now but I understand that they may be worried that I will. I would hope they now realise that everything is different now and we can be neighbours / friends again but that now seems unlikely.

 

[Violet Jane]

I'm afraid that many people - probably the majority - don't want to be around people dementia and they withdraw. They find dementia embarrassing and frightening and worry about how to behave or what to say.

You had a very difficult time with your husband before he went away; they were aware of that and they probably have a negative view of your husband and feel that he shouldn't have come home again. I recollect that some neighbours were quite helpful and they probably fear having to get involved again if you start to experience problems again. I'm also wondering whether your husband is possessive and starts becoming difficult if you talk to other people. If that happens then it's understandable that they don't want to spend time with you. It's a bit like talking to a mother with a demanding toddler. You just give up because conversation is frustrating. This is all supposition on my part. Why don't you ask them, or your brother at least?

 

[sdmhred]

hi @Rishile

I think @Violet Jane is right. People don’t know how to cope with dementia and difficult circumstances. You have had both and will have more difficulties again. They all clearly cared for you as we’re good during your time alone - but I imagine are just unable to process what to do or say….and being very British also unable to say they don’t know what to do or say.

Ive found one or two people have stayed with me in the journey and I hold onto them like glue!

much love

 

[Rishile]

I'm afraid that many people - probably the majority - don't want to be around people dementia and they withdraw. They find dementia embarrassing and frightening and worry about how to behave or what to say.

You had a very difficult time with your husband before he went away; they were aware of that and they probably have a negative view of your husband and feel that he shouldn't have come home again. I recollect that some neighbours were quite helpful and they probably fear having to get involved again if you start to experience problems again. I'm also wondering whether your husband is possessive and starts becoming difficult if you talk to other people. If that happens then it's understandable that they don't want to spend time with you. It's a bit like talking to a mother with a demanding toddler. You just give up because conversation is frustrating. This is all supposition on my part. Why don't you ask them, or your brother at least?

Thank you for your comments. They make a lot of sense. OH isn't possessive about me talking to people but he doesn't remember people he has known for years and will remain silent. I agree - some people may find this awkward. Unfortunately, I can never speak to my brother without OH being in the room. The neighbour never stays around long enough.