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upset, mum moving to care home, SW asking questions

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
Hi there.
I am in a similar position apart from the fact my mum needs to go in a home sooner rather than later. I am full of angst all the time. Social advised of a bed vacancy and we took my mum there and all I wanted to do was cry. My mum said it's a lot to take in then when we got home she went into aggressive melt down. The vacancy has now gone and the same is now being evasive because she didn't accept. I worry constantly about all of it. Try and do something for you and maybe visit with you siblings?
Take care
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,155
South coast
Hi @LilyA and welcome to DTP

I wouldnt take your mum to go and look at care homes. Im afraid that her reaction is par for the course. I wouldnt even try to discuss it with her. She will never be able to understand why she needs to move into a care home and she is now at the stage where you will have to make the decisions for her.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,211
Hi there.
I am in a similar position apart from the fact my mum needs to go in a home sooner rather than later. I am full of angst all the time. Social advised of a bed vacancy and we took my mum there and all I wanted to do was cry. My mum said it's a lot to take in then when we got home she went into aggressive melt down. The vacancy has now gone and the same is now being evasive because she didn't accept. I worry constantly about all of it. Try and do something for you and maybe visit with you siblings?
Take care
If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view then you will wait forever. As others have said, you need to start making decisions for your mum. It wouldn't matter how many homes you see with her, her default answer is always going to be no. Just organise it, don't discuss it with her
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
Thakyou for responses. But can I make the decisions if the mental health team say they have no concerns? The carers who go in say she needs to be in a care home so who is right? The social worker said if she didn't like the place we visited she won't like any of them so nonpoint then sent me a list of agencies to contact regarding live in care and hasn't been in touch since.
Did manage to take my mum to a care home at the start of this week and she said she liked it. Everyone in there said hello to her and made us all feel welcome. We were invited back there for lunch today and a possible assessment which she even agreed to then absolutely denied it all said I lied and refused point blank to go and then got unpleasant. I went in and explained to them and they were very understanding and said they were more than happy for me to try again for Monday and also said to get in touch with her social worker to tell her how I am struggling to cope? Can anyone advise please. I don't feel I can do this much longer without a breakdown
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,376
cornwall
Thakyou for responses. But can I make the decisions if the mental health team say they have no concerns? The carers who go in say she needs to be in a care home so who is right? The social worker said if she didn't like the place we visited she won't like any of them so nonpoint then sent me a list of agencies to contact regarding live in care and hasn't been in touch since.
Did manage to take my mum to a care home at the start of this week and she said she liked it. Everyone in there said hello to her and made us all feel welcome. We were invited back there for lunch today and a possible assessment which she even agreed to then absolutely denied it all said I lied and refused point blank to go and then got unpleasant. I went in and explained to them and they were very understanding and said they were more than happy for me to try again for Monday and also said to get in touch with her social worker to tell her how I am struggling to cope? Can anyone advise please. I don't feel I can do this much longer without a breakdown
Hi. I had to step back from my dad for that one reason. He has carers in 4 times a day and is self funding. He cannot be without carers as he cannot walk without a frame or take himself to the toilet. I was feeling suicidal before I let the carers take over completely. (I still go in to see him and cook but I no longer do personal care for him)He has “fluctuating capacity “ which doesn’t help. I cannot take over his decisions even though they are bad sometimes. Although he has no capacity with money at all.Dad has Vascular Dementia...
Dad also refused to go permanently in a home although I did manage respite for a month.I arranged it when he agreed in a moment of lucidity...
If she has “capacity “ you cannot help her into a home .Do you have LPOA??
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
Hi. I had to step back from my dad for that one reason. He has carers in 4 times a day and is self funding. He cannot be without carers as he cannot walk without a frame or take himself to the toilet. I was feeling suicidal before I let the carers take over completely. (I still go in to see him and cook but I no longer do personal care for him)He has “fluctuating capacity “ which doesn’t help. I cannot take over his decisions even though they are bad sometimes. Although he has no capacity with money at all.Dad has Vascular Dementia...
Dad also refused to go permanently in a home although I did manage respite for a month.I arranged it when he agreed in a moment of lucidity...
If she has “capacity “ you cannot help her into a home .Do you have LPOA??
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
Hi yes I do have LPOA in place but I think until someone from the medical profession states that my mum doesn't have mental capacity it doesn't help?
I have been back this afternoon to my mum's and again in an unpleasant mood and said she never wants to see me again because I am a liar,nasty and had promised to stay?
It is so sad and I know not her fault.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
1,595
South East
Can only suggest @LilyA that you try again Monday , try and be really upbeat and happy and just tell her to get her gladrags on as you are going out for lunch or coffee and cake , whatever you think will work . If you stress she will pick up on it and feel the same , got to paint on a smile and grit your teeth . Good luck .
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
So my brother and I managed to get mum to go back to the care home today for an assessment and lunch. The care home said as we were self funding that they would even consider a 2 week respite stay to start with. We were asked to go back at 3pm if we didn't get a call from them. No call but still waited for it to happen.. Got back there to be told they didn't feel to happy about it as she had been trying to help residents get up who who were unable to do so due to their disabilities! They have now agreed a 1 week trial but on the proviso that if she carries on being disruptive we will have to go and collect her. My mum was getting very stressed,agitated and rude to us which I can understand as it's all new and strange to her but where do I go from here if they can't keep her? Nursing dementia care homes have the same outlook if there is any disruptive behaviour you have to leave. I thought they would all know how to deal with symptoms of a dementia sufferer and be able to help them not say they have to leave. I am at an absolute loss and really don't know what to do. So sad
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
So my mum stayed in care home last night and I received a mail from them today saying she had quite a settled night which I was pleased about as I had worried all night expecting a call to collect. So let's see what happens today. I am feeling very upset though because I have updated her social worker who wanted to know if she had been forced o go in!
If the SW knew her well enough would realise that she is fiercely independent (thinks) and wouldn't do anything she didn't want to.
I now feel like I have done something dreadful and feel worse than I did before.
They have also said the carers company have withdrawn forthwith and if she does have to leave before the end of the week it will be my responsibility to deal with and source carers?
Can anyone advise. Thankyou
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
96
North East England UK
So my mum stayed in care home last night and I received a mail from them today saying she had quite a settled night which I was pleased about as I had worried all night expecting a call to collect. So let's see what happens today. I am feeling very upset though because I have updated her social worker who wanted to know if she had been forced o go in!
If the SW knew her well enough would realise that she is fiercely independent (thinks) and wouldn't do anything she didn't want to.
I now feel like I have done something dreadful and feel worse than I did before.
They have also said the carers company have withdrawn forthwith and if she does have to leave before the end of the week it will be my responsibility to deal with and source carers?
Can anyone advise. Thankyou

No its not your responsibility. Not legally anyway. I suggest you have a chat with either your own GP or your Mums. Your Mum has a social worker so maybe ask for a meeting to discuss. They are likely to persuade you that as you have PoA your legally obliged to sort things out. But actually the duty of SW is to protect the welfare of a vulnerable person. Its irrelevant whether family are involved, the SW duty of care is to the vulnerable person.
Also be aware that Capacity can fluctuate. A person usually has to be assessed over quite a long period to be deemed as lacking capacity.
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
So mum has stayed for 2 nights hopefully tonight will be 3 will have to see how it goes...
I am feeling more guilty and anxious than I did before!
Today when I visited she asked me where I had been, her sister was also there ( she is 200 miles away) and to keep an eye on the cook because he was bad news and not to be trusted?
Also told me her daughter was very ill ( that would be me and not far wrong) but she doesn't get on with her and that's why she hasn't been in.???
I went to her room to leave a couple of items and all the clothes she had taken in were missing!
The staff thought they were probably in the wash but as not labelled not sure what she will get back.
I think I am going through some weird emotional grief if that's possible and just wished I could have done more but in my heart I know I couldnt cope and feel I have let her down.
I am probably one of millions in the same position and just hope that my mum adjusts and stays for awhile
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,376
cornwall
I
So mum has stayed for 2 nights hopefully tonight will be 3 will have to see how it goes...
I am feeling more guilty and anxious than I did before!
Today when I visited she asked me where I had been, her sister was also there ( she is 200 miles away) and to keep an eye on the cook because he was bad news and not to be trusted?
Also told me her daughter was very ill ( that would be me and not far wrong) but she doesn't get on with her and that's why she hasn't been in.???
I went to her room to leave a couple of items and all the clothes she had taken in were missing!
The staff thought they were probably in the wash but as not labelled not sure what she will get back.
I think I am going through some weird emotional grief if that's possible and just wished I could have done more but in my heart I know I couldnt cope and feel I have let her down.
I am probably one of millions in the same position and just hope that my mum adjusts and stays for awhile
It usually takes a few days for clothes to come back .You could always pop down to the laundry to see if they are there as not labelled. Did you take any photos on your phone of them? Has your mum got “capacity “as she is sounding like she is very confused. Has she been tested for a UTI do you know as that might not be helping.
I know it is not easy but try and stay away for a little bit.It may help her too settle.
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
No I didn't take any photos of her clothes as they appeared to be making an itinerary of every item in her case?
My mum does have vascular with hallucinations.
Good point about UTI. I will see what the care home suggest tomorrow.
For some reason my mum has started calling me by my name now which threw me because she hasn't used it for a very long time as always thinks I am her sister?
My aunt is lovely but 7 years older than my mum so maybe I am just looking very tired and worn out...correct
 

Elsatyson

Registered User
Mar 12, 2019
41
No I didn't take any photos of her clothes as they appeared to be making an itinerary of every item in her case?
My mum does have vascular with hallucinations.
Good point about UTI. I will see what the care home suggest tomorrow.
For some reason my mum has started calling me by my name now which threw me because she hasn't used it for a very long time as always thinks I am her sister?
My aunt is lovely but 7 years older than my mum so maybe I am just looking very tired and worn out...correct
 

Elsatyson

Registered User
Mar 12, 2019
41
Hi I know how you feel my mum is in a nh and I to think I failed her and I so much want to bring her home again with me but deep down I know she is settled I cry and think about her all the time I see her 3 times a week sometimes she is in a good mood and others I get told to drop dead but I can’t help the way I feel I miss her like crazy and I’m finding it hard to deal with x
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
96
North East England UK
So mum has stayed for 2 nights hopefully tonight will be 3 will have to see how it goes...
I am feeling more guilty and anxious than I did before!
Today when I visited she asked me where I had been, her sister was also there ( she is 200 miles away) and to keep an eye on the cook because he was bad news and not to be trusted?
Also told me her daughter was very ill ( that would be me and not far wrong) but she doesn't get on with her and that's why she hasn't been in.???
I went to her room to leave a couple of items and all the clothes she had taken in were missing!
The staff thought they were probably in the wash but as not labelled not sure what she will get back.
I think I am going through some weird emotional grief if that's possible and just wished I could have done more but in my heart I know I couldnt cope and feel I have let her down.
I am probably one of millions in the same position and just hope that my mum adjusts and stays for awhile
I think you indeed may be going through emotional grief. But I don’t think it’s wierd, I think it’s normal.
I have felt beneficial to phone the Alzheimer’s helpline about these feelings talk through them, the helpline are so good. I went to see my mum this morning in the CH.
when I got home I was so exhausted I dozed on the sofa all afternoon.
Do you take some supportive person with you when you visit your Mum.
I always do that it makes visits bearable She is there for her best interests believe me it’s true.
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
So my mum has been in the CH for a week now! Likes the fact there is someone at night if she needs them. Some visits are reasonable and a couple have been back to the agitated unpleasant ways and I know that is better than always unpleasant. I guess. I just wish I could get over this feeling of having let her down. I am also worried if it doesn't work out
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,155
South coast
The trouble is that general society views a care home as failure, even though it is not. It is usually a success - as it is with your mum, who is now saying that she likes having someone around at night.
You have successfully navigated the system and moved your mum into a place where she is happier. That is a very, very positive thing. And its early days yet - it usually takes people with dementia several weeks to settle in, so thats another success!

Give yourself some space and a pat on the back. Its going to take you some time to adjust too.
xx
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
So my mum has been in residential care now for just over 2 weeks. During which time we have been advised of a few incidents at night. For example trying to get into bed with other residents and rearranging their rooms! Because of this which is classed as disruptive the care home will only do short term stay. I am really worried about what happens next if they don't let her stay longer! The SW closed her case after she had been there for 1 week? I asked what I should do if it all goes wrong and was just told to ring the adult social services number? I now feel very unnerved and am waiting for another call all the time as in 24/7. When I visited today my mum said everyone was out to get her and they were being killed off one by one and she needed to get out? OMG I am feeling very very twitchy....