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upset, mum moving to care home, SW asking questions

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,062
Yorkshire
what a shame @LilyA
your mum's behaviour was par for the course in dad's care home, so there are homes that will take her wandering in their stride
do what the SW said and contact them now to let them know what the care home have said ... tell them you understand that Adult Services must offer at least one placement that meets your mum's needs
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
96
North East England UK
Firstly I would ring the adult social services just for information. Explain the situation and the duty social worker should be able to give you advice on what to do.
Your Mum is a vulnerable person and the care home are the ones with duty of care right now, they are advising your Mum may need to move to a more suitable placement but there would need to be a best interests meeting and the social worker would have to get involved again.
In my own case I could not deal with the intense stress of being constantly on call so I have my landline on office hours only, the rest of =the time only certain people can get through. My mobile is on do not disturb.
This is a decision only you can make but its an option isn’t it.
I phone the care home every week to ask how Mum is doing. Basically, don’t call me, I’ll call you!
You can also talk to your Mums GP to make sure they are aware of the situation and ask advice.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
Hmmm. Im wondering what sort of care home this. It sounds like they are only interested in people with the early, easy stages of dementia.

My mum was someone who was in and out of other peoples rooms all the time and was up wandering through the night, so there are places that should accept this. Yes, phone Adult Social Services. It is usual close the case once they think something is sorted, but it can easily be re-opened again. If this place is not meeting her needs, they are duty bound to find somewhere that does
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,246
It sounds like you'll need to go back to social services. Going into other residents rooms doesn't sound very out of the way. Quite a few people in mum's home (including her) do this, and they cope.
It all sounds a worry, but the sooner you get your mum in a place that can meet her needs the better.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,211
You don't need to contact social services, and they are unlikely to help as you have already found. As your mother is self-funding, you will be expected to do the work of finding a home for your mum (occasionally a self-funder will have a good SW who will try to help, but it's unusual - they are too busy with all the LA funded cases they have to deal with).

My mother is self-funding, and I found her care home myself and made all the arrangements, social services were nowhere to be seen.

I used
https://www.carehome.co.uk/
to find a few care homes which looked suitable (I read reviews, being mindful of the things which would be important for my mother). I then rang a couple, told them about my mother and her behaviours, then went to view. One of them was clearly not suitable as they only seemed to want 'easy' residents - they would not even tolerate wandering, which is a very common behaviour. The other was great, and two years later my mother is still there, and very content.

It's daunting and stressful, but when you find the right place for your mother, things will improve. She will hopefully be more content, and that will take the pressure off you. I too thought of care homes only in a negative sense, but it really has been brilliant for my mother.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
If this place is not meeting her needs, they are duty bound to find somewhere that does
As your mother is self-funding, you will be expected to do the work of finding a home for your mum
Ah, apologies - I had assumed that your mum was LA funded.
I would look for an EMI home/dedicated dementia unit. Thats what mum was in and they were pretty tolerant of most dementia behaviour. They were able to look after her right up till the end.
 

Sunny Days 321

Registered User
Sep 29, 2017
19
So my mum has been in the CH for a week now! Likes the fact there is someone at night if she needs them. Some visits are reasonable and a couple have been back to the agitated unpleasant ways and I know that is better than always unpleasant. I guess. I just wish I could get over this feeling of having let her down. I am also worried if it doesn't work out
It is a year now since my mum was moved into a care home and like you at the beginning there is an awful feeling of guilt and 'have I done the right thing?'. These feelings for me have taken some time to pass and I would say on many occasions they do resurface. However this far on I am now in a better place myself and can see that mum is safe and well cared for which ultimately is what we want for our loved ones. I visit twice a week, some visits are good and some not so! I have built up my relationships with the carers which is really important as through them you can pass on all that important information you have about your mum that she may not be able to tell them. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I am learning not to punish myself over it. Your mum still needs you as much as she ever did so you still have a vital role to play. It does get easier but just give yourself time. Thinking of you.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
599
LilyA, sorry you are having such a difficult time. Your Mum hasn't been there long - I wonder how suitable the CH is for her, as the behaviour you describe is pretty standard for dementia. Sadly some homes only want the easy to care for patients.
I definitely think you should get back in touch with the SW. If the council is paying, they have a duty of care to find her a suitable placement - especially if the home say she cannot stay. If you are self-funding you could, in theory look for other places, but make them tell you what behaviour they can and cannot deal with.

In terms of what your Mum said, I would try not to worry too much. It can be very unsettling moving into care for a PWD. The other day my Mum, who is usually quite happily settled in her CH told me that she wanted to kill me. Sadly, some days her grip on reality is a bit tenuous to say the least. Wanting to leave is very common in the early stages and it is very hard to hear, though for most PWD there simply isn't another safe alternative.
I hope you get through to the SW.
 

LilyA

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
13
And so it continues.... Next incident opening door into secure garden to escape. Advised this is not acceptable due to more frail residents staying. Then followed by my mum trying to get out of a window in another residents room! The home is now on total lock down all windows and doors. I am absolutely devastated as the CH won't want to keep her there. I have tried to talk calmly to her about every incident I have been made aware of and she has denied every single one! Thinks that everyone there doesn't like her and that's why they say these things... What on earth should I do as I can't take much more of this and it is such a lovely CH.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
It might be a lovely care home @LilyA but it is not meeting your mums needs.
Look at other care homes - look beyond the decor and ask carefully about how they would deal with your mums behaviour.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
416
And so it continues.... Next incident opening door into secure garden to escape. Advised this is not acceptable due to more frail residents staying. Then followed by my mum trying to get out of a window in another residents room! The home is now on total lock down all windows and doors. I am absolutely devastated as the CH won't want to keep her there. I have tried to talk calmly to her about every incident I have been made aware of and she has denied every single one! Thinks that everyone there doesn't like her and that's why they say these things... What on earth should I do as I can't take much more of this and it is such a lovely CH.
I was informed on admission of my mother into the Care Home she was to inhabit for the remainder of her life, that the " settling " process would probably take around three months. The Home had substantial experience with dementia in its varied forms and their indications were well-founded. EMI units have to be secure and any attempts at opening doors or windows are met with proper security and proper Care to quell such behaviour. The whole spectrum of behaviours are addressed - kleptomania, wandering, room invasion, aggression, distress, everything which presents in the name of dementia. Ofcourse once " nursing " becomes necessary then a move is probably required if that speciality is not in place. Finding the right Home can be a very trying and frustrating process. It is a pity if a move is deemed necessary owing to what is perhaps " normal " behaviour in terms of dementia. In a strange way l was encouraged on hearing Carers in my mother's Home relating struggles and significant confrontations with residents, often themselves incurring bruises in the process and yet accepting such as part and parcel of "care". At the end of the day we understand that those who are compelled to spend the rest of their days in the confines of a Care Home, do so reluctantly or unwittingly or simply because there is no choice. That "innocence" should, we hope, draw upon the best and most appropriate levels of Care available. Locating that "care" can be extremely demanding on heart and soul. But that goal is paramount and the least we can offer the ones we hold so dear.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,211
And so it continues.... Next incident opening door into secure garden to escape. Advised this is not acceptable due to more frail residents staying. Then followed by my mum trying to get out of a window in another residents room! The home is now on total lock down all windows and doors. I am absolutely devastated as the CH won't want to keep her there. I have tried to talk calmly to her about every incident I have been made aware of and she has denied every single one! Thinks that everyone there doesn't like her and that's why they say these things... What on earth should I do as I can't take much more of this and it is such a lovely CH.
If the current CH was truly secure these incidents couldn't happen - secure care homes are designed to be 'in lock down'. My mother's CH has a secure garden but the doors to it are locked unless there are carers there to supervise the residents. All windows are secure, only the top fanlights open and they are too small to facilitate escape. All exterior doors are secure.

This is the environment your mother needs, and it should be easily available. Have a look on https://www.carehome.co.uk/ and when you've selected a few to speak to, explain your mother's behaviours, which are fairly common and shouldn't present a problem.

There is no point discussing it with your mother, she denies it because she does not remember it happening, it's the nature of the disease. You won't stop her doing it, but you will be able to find a care home where her behaviour is accepted.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
599
@LilyA I am in agreement with the above. It sounds as though the home isn't meeting her needs, which don't seem to be that unusual, considering dementia behaviour.
Sounds like an urgent meeting with social services is required to discuss how her needs can be met and probably find another home. I am sorry that it has come to that but I would have doubts about a home that couldn't cope with "wandering" behaviour, as that happens a lot.