Hi, I’m unsure about my mum’s health and because my mum now lives full time in france, with my dad who doesn’t believe in dementia (he thinks it’s all to do with getting older and God’s plan). My mum came to live with me (I actually have ill health and struggle to travel, but that’s another story!) in the uk 18 months ago, for a 5 month period, following a bad period of (newly acquired) depression for over a year (short story - financial difficulties / worries and still operating a French gite business, whilst my dad gives all their little money to the church and anyone else who asks other than my mum), self neglect and had stopped eating, lost 5 stone and come off all tablets at my dad’s encouragement. It’s a complex situation as my dad at that time, wasn’t attempting to help my mum (very old fashioned patriarchal relationship, dad had never so much as made himself a cup of tea prior to mum’s decline. Very strong overbearing character and a conservative born again Christian insistent on devoting his life to god, and he’s building a church in their garden and using the gites as free accommodation for church groups despite having no savings or money other than a few paid bookings and their meagre pensions - it’s that much of a potty situation, it’s hard for people to understand as it’s a crazy situation!) And their relationship suffered to the point that at 75 years of age and 52 years of marriage, my mum was considering leaving my dad and staying in Uk with us. Fast forward 5 months of me looking after my mum, feeding her, encouraging her to bath, doing everything for her, she returned to my dad under his insistence and pleading, and false promises (said he’d sell the gites, never happened!), but she did return with much better health. She’d started reading large print books again, and she couldn’t read when she had first arrived. Day to day memory was pretty good, but mum was quieter than she used to be, and still couldn’t get her head around cooking and still not keen on changing her clothes . She could make toast, but that was a struggle. Had to be reminded to drink.
My dad put mums inability to cook etc and not wanting to change clothes as to do with damage from the depression. He has since her return, managed the best he can cooking, but they have a very basic, nutritionally sparse diet and both have lost significant weight. Mum spends the day reading, annd not doing annything much else, doesn’t like to go out, can’t do the shopping etc. Ironically, it’s my dad’s memory that appears worse as he forgets things an awful lot!
Both my parents recently had a trip to the uk, where I saw my mum, but she had visibly deteriorated again, albeit not obviously depressed. Pretty quiet, doesn’t ask many questions, but pretty articulate when needed. Neither of my parents had clearly changed their clothes in several weeks or bathed. However, on her way back to france, she actually ended up in hospital in Portsmouth as she couldn’t breathe, and it was found she had clots on her lungs and lung inflammation (antibiotics given). They couldn’t tell her why she had clots, have given her blood thinners, and mum has travelled back to France. My concern now is that mum needs a lot of care, which she isn’t going to get, but she claims she doesn’t want or need and dad insists everything is fine. I know I can’t even say the words dementia to my father, and I’m very aware I don’t want to further upset my mum, but seems likely she may have dementia - maybe vascular dementia? Could this be correct, despite the fact her day to day general memory isn’t too bad and she can read?
If mum was in the uk, I’d talk to her gp direct, but obviously she’s in France. Her sister is visiting her in two months time, but this is such a complex situation I haven’t a clue how to help them when dad will not entertain returning to uk and I can’t travel due to ill health. I’m an only child. Please help!
EDIT - during mum’s period of depression starting 2 years ago and when everything started , she saw her French gp, saw a psychiatrist, and was put on benzodiazepines- but mum then stopped all treatment with my dad’s encouragement as the psychiatrist actually wanted to meet and speak to my dad, but he refused! She had a long period where she refused to eat and stare into space. Also, she had believed she stole some money from church funds which she insisted my dad paid back - he thinks it didn’t happen and she imagined it. She can’t say why she stole it, she’s confused about a number of things.
Re food, bear in mind, my mum previously was overweight, 16 stone and always loved her food. She’s now around 11/12 stone, has a good appetite when it’s put in front of her, but can’t make herself food.
My dad put mums inability to cook etc and not wanting to change clothes as to do with damage from the depression. He has since her return, managed the best he can cooking, but they have a very basic, nutritionally sparse diet and both have lost significant weight. Mum spends the day reading, annd not doing annything much else, doesn’t like to go out, can’t do the shopping etc. Ironically, it’s my dad’s memory that appears worse as he forgets things an awful lot!
Both my parents recently had a trip to the uk, where I saw my mum, but she had visibly deteriorated again, albeit not obviously depressed. Pretty quiet, doesn’t ask many questions, but pretty articulate when needed. Neither of my parents had clearly changed their clothes in several weeks or bathed. However, on her way back to france, she actually ended up in hospital in Portsmouth as she couldn’t breathe, and it was found she had clots on her lungs and lung inflammation (antibiotics given). They couldn’t tell her why she had clots, have given her blood thinners, and mum has travelled back to France. My concern now is that mum needs a lot of care, which she isn’t going to get, but she claims she doesn’t want or need and dad insists everything is fine. I know I can’t even say the words dementia to my father, and I’m very aware I don’t want to further upset my mum, but seems likely she may have dementia - maybe vascular dementia? Could this be correct, despite the fact her day to day general memory isn’t too bad and she can read?
If mum was in the uk, I’d talk to her gp direct, but obviously she’s in France. Her sister is visiting her in two months time, but this is such a complex situation I haven’t a clue how to help them when dad will not entertain returning to uk and I can’t travel due to ill health. I’m an only child. Please help!
EDIT - during mum’s period of depression starting 2 years ago and when everything started , she saw her French gp, saw a psychiatrist, and was put on benzodiazepines- but mum then stopped all treatment with my dad’s encouragement as the psychiatrist actually wanted to meet and speak to my dad, but he refused! She had a long period where she refused to eat and stare into space. Also, she had believed she stole some money from church funds which she insisted my dad paid back - he thinks it didn’t happen and she imagined it. She can’t say why she stole it, she’s confused about a number of things.
Re food, bear in mind, my mum previously was overweight, 16 stone and always loved her food. She’s now around 11/12 stone, has a good appetite when it’s put in front of her, but can’t make herself food.
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