Tonight I actually snapped

[Dave K]

I wonder if you have read this thread.

None of us can adhere to it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week but it helps to understand that we are dealing with a progressive brain disease and not a person who chooses this way of life.

Hope this helps.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

OK, I am feeling like poo right now and you are offering me this thread to read, come on, have you actually been following my dilemma?

I have done nothing else but care for my wife in the best possible way I can even to the point of near self destruction...

I give up if I am going to be pointed to a completely unrelated post for a quick answer

 

[Sue J]

Hey Mega man

You have done and amazing job caring and protecting your wife and you still are.

Hold on in there tonight and get something sorted am.
Best
Sue

 

[garnuft]

There is no quick answer.

The phone numbers are all there for you to find.

Help and support is here if you need it but I always remember that there is a person that needs care behind every frazzled carer.

 

[garnuft]

And it's NOT an unrelated post...you are posting as a stressed carer for a person with dementia.

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Dave! I wish I could give you a real hug instead of just a virtual one. You are at the sewer end of the pipework, and there's a load of toilets being flushed in your neck of the woods, right now.

I'm sorry that it's come to this, and that you haven't had your break. I can't understand your step-daughter agreeing to take your wife, when she must have known she'd be going into hospital. Perhaps she realised how desperately tired you were, and though it wasn't the best time, may have been assured by her husband that he'd look after your wife, during her hospital treatment, and things got too much for him.

But, with regards to your decision as to whether or not your wife should go into a Care Home, I really wouldn't worry about anyone elses opinion, family or not. I know it's easy to say, but the bottom line is, you're the one at the sewer end of the pipework - not them. Only you, and you alone, know what the strain is like for you. It doesn't matter if you've been a carer for 5 months, 5 years or 15 years. If you're knackered, and, as you've posted on here, suicidal, what benefit is it going to be for your family, and your wife's family, if you're dissuaded against opting for a Care Home for your wife, but, as a result, bow out the picture. Permanently. Would they want that?

You're very brave and heroic to want to care for your wife for another night, but please don't put off seeking help in the morning Dave, will you. Else we'll all nag you!!

 

[CollegeGirl]

Don't know what to say, Dave . I'm at a complete loss. I've had a ****ty day too and am too shattered myself to be any help to anyone else. All I can hope is that tomorrow is better for all of us.

 

[Dave K]

And it's NOT an unrelated post...you are posting as a stressed carer for a person with dementia.

I am sorry, it is an unrelated post as the link you have provided is telling me how to communicate with an AD sufferer

There is no way I have not talked to or cared for my wife in a manner that has not been shown on that link, I think I have surpassed that in a way that I have understood my wife's disease, responded to her in a manner that is fitting to her disease, yes I have blown off here but wife does not know or has heard that

I am really disappointed (for the first time) here on TP to be sent to a link that tells me how to communicate to am AD person

I do not want to argue or go back and forth on this issue with you

I consider myself as a model carer at the expense of my own health

 

[AlsoConfused]

Am very angry and very sad for you Dave. Hope you get the help you need in the morning.

Please also remember there will be people you can talk to at any stage tonight. Some of them will be on TP ... however, I'm also thinking of those people who can actually do something positive to help. I don't know when the emergency Duty Officers start work but there's probably some sort of "on call" service at night. The police and emergency services are 24/7, thank goodness.

 

[garnuft]

Well, after 26 years of caring I wouldn't dare call myself a model carer, I seem to see my faults bigger than the faults of the people I care for but that could just be me.

 

[Dave K]

Don't know what to say, Dave . I'm at a complete loss. I've had a ****ty day too and am too shattered myself to be any help to anyone else. All I can hope is that tomorrow is better for all of us.

I do too, it is not all about me, we are all going though these problems which we need to conquer some way or another but if you do not suffer from AD or a a carer it is so hard to comprehend the problems, emotions and everything that goes with AD

This afternoon I asked a neighbour that I do not really know to collect my wife from my wife's daughters house as they could not be bothered to look after her, so rather than see her carted away to a care home I made the decision of "Bring her back here and I'll sort it out in the morning" (again)

I do not think much of rest-bite (my first go at it) as I spent hours on the phone calling various departments (SS and memory clinic) being passed from pillar to post only to be in a worse situation than I was 3 days ago

 

[CollegeGirl]

Night Dave. Hope you get some sleep.

 

[jellyfish]

Dave, what an awful time your having. I'm so sorry. My husband was admitted into hospital as I could no longer cope anymore without help. I had to battle to be listened too and I suspect it's what you're going to have to do. I think you've done a stirling job in such difficult circumstances and I really hope someone helps you soon. Both you and your wife deserve support during this difficult stage of your wife's illness.

Thinking of you and hoping your circumstances improve soon. Xxx

 

[Dave K]

Well, after 26 years of caring I wouldn't dare call myself a model carer, I seem to see my faults bigger than the faults of the people I care for but that could just be me.

And now I get attacked by you on 1 word I used, please, stop right now, find another topic

I am really at rock bottom right now, it's all gone boobies up for me this afternoon, I should be on rest-bite right now after 2 years fighting this disease with my wife

I can take criticism from my wife as she has AD, but please do not have a go at me tonight, leave it until tomorrow when I may feel better

 

[Dave K]

Dave, what an awful time your having. I'm so sorry. My husband was admitted into hospital as I could no longer cope anymore without help. I had to battle to be listened too and I suspect it's what you're going to have to do. I think you've done a stirling job in such difficult circumstances and I really hope someone helps you soon. Both you and your wife deserve support during this difficult stage of your wife's illness.

Thinking of you and hoping your circumstances improve soon. Xxx

Thank you

I do not want my wife to go in a hospital or care home and as family support has failed I do not know what to do, I really don't

 

[Dave K]

Night Dave. Hope you get some sleep.

Thank you but I doubt it, sofa for me tonight (again)

Wife will not know...

 

[Dave K]

Dave, what an awful time your having. I'm so sorry. My husband was admitted into hospital as I could no longer cope anymore without help. I had to battle to be listened too and I suspect it's what you're going to have to do. I think you've done a stirling job in such difficult circumstances and I really hope someone helps you soon. Both you and your wife deserve support during this difficult stage of your wife's illness.

Thinking of you and hoping your circumstances improve soon. Xxx

It makes me wish I were dead to be honest, you are only on this planet for 70 or 80 years if you are lucky, I am 52 but I feel I have been here for longer than that

Why O why do I feel that way, possibly because I can not give up on my wife, till death do us part and all that...

I have no life, I cannot see anything to improve my life and am feeling rather low right now....

 

[AlsoConfused]

Just an idea which might give you just a bit of peace until tomorrow Dave ... I wish I could think of something more helpful.

Try to tell yourself you don't have to do or decide anything for a bit, Dave. Focus on an image which calms you and helps you remember that.

One of the images which used to help me when I was worried sick about the bills coming in (and the near impossibility of paying them) was of my cat, blissfully stretched out underneath the radiator. She hadn't a care in the world. She was warm and comfortable at that moment - and no other moment existed for her. I tried to copy her attitude and just empty my mind of the worries.

 

[Dave K]

Just an idea which might give you just a bit of peace until tomorrow Dave ... I wish I could think of something more helpful.

Try to tell yourself you don't have to do or decide anything for a bit, Dave. Focus on an image which calms you and helps you remember that.

One of the images which used to help me when I was worried sick about the bills coming in (and the near impossibility of paying them) was of my cat, blissfully stretched out underneath the radiator. She hadn't a care in the world. She was warm and comfortable at that moment - and no other moment existed for her. I tried to copy her attitude and just empty my mind of the worries.

My wife has not a care in the world, money is of no object, what is a bill?

I know what you mean though, great idea - Thanks

I was really looking forward to a day of in the sun, rain, fog or whatever the weather was doing this weekend, that was my picture (after 28 years) but sadly that little ray of hope has now disappeared from my plan

Yes I could disappear for a day but I will still have my wife in the back of my mind wondering if she was OK and safe

God damn it I need a day off.... But cannot take the chance of something going wrong...

 

[AlsoConfused]

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Would again suggest you forget the rulebook and keep Zeus with you. A lick or two whenever needed helps.

Tomorrow is another day ... and please then, get whatever help you need to keep going. That Duty Officer must do her stuff!

 

[Tin]

My wife has not a care in the world, money is of no object, what is a bill?

I know what you mean though, great idea - Thanks

I was really looking forward to a day of in the sun, rain, fog or whatever the weather was doing this weekend, that was my picture (after 28 years) but sadly that little ray of hope has now disappeared from my plan

Yes I could disappear for a day but I will still have my wife in the back of my mind wondering if she was OK and safe

God damn it I need a day off.... But cannot take the chance of something going wrong...

DAVEK are you still on line?