Acting skills required!
Amy in the US has it nailed. My sister-in-law was my Mum's favourite companion because she made her feel secure - this was because my SIL is a brilliant liar! She is a foster carer and so is also great with toddlers. You have to completely change your mindset when someone has dementia, all that matters is keeping the agitation low and happy times up, and trying to provide the living situation that they feel most comfortable in (this may not be the one for which they expressed a preference before the dementia set in). Never confront someone with what they have done, they won't understand, and as you say, will forget anyway. Also my Mum got very agitated when she thought we had been spying, so you have to find a reason why you know things. A bit later on, this is easier as you can say "you remember, we talked about it yesterday", whether you did or not.
The most elaborate lie we told Mum was when we found she wasn't showering at all. We faked a letter from the "District Nurse", thanking her for her help with their survey and agreeing that she needed someone there when she showered in case of a fall, so a nurse would come on Wednesday to help! Then we sent round an agency carer in a uniform and Mum smelt a lot sweeter after that. But there was also no confrontation and no loss of dignity.
I wish you all the very best for the future. I think if I had realised earlier that the best thing I could do for my Mum was to lie with panache, this would have saved her a lot of agitation when she was trying to make sense of me telling her the truth - it wasn't her truth. She couldn't change that truth, so we had to go with that. Your post reminds me of how my Mum was five years ago - we've had some difficult times but also some laughs, I'm sure you will too.
Amy in the US has it nailed. My sister-in-law was my Mum's favourite companion because she made her feel secure - this was because my SIL is a brilliant liar! She is a foster carer and so is also great with toddlers. You have to completely change your mindset when someone has dementia, all that matters is keeping the agitation low and happy times up, and trying to provide the living situation that they feel most comfortable in (this may not be the one for which they expressed a preference before the dementia set in). Never confront someone with what they have done, they won't understand, and as you say, will forget anyway. Also my Mum got very agitated when she thought we had been spying, so you have to find a reason why you know things. A bit later on, this is easier as you can say "you remember, we talked about it yesterday", whether you did or not.
The most elaborate lie we told Mum was when we found she wasn't showering at all. We faked a letter from the "District Nurse", thanking her for her help with their survey and agreeing that she needed someone there when she showered in case of a fall, so a nurse would come on Wednesday to help! Then we sent round an agency carer in a uniform and Mum smelt a lot sweeter after that. But there was also no confrontation and no loss of dignity.
I wish you all the very best for the future. I think if I had realised earlier that the best thing I could do for my Mum was to lie with panache, this would have saved her a lot of agitation when she was trying to make sense of me telling her the truth - it wasn't her truth. She couldn't change that truth, so we had to go with that. Your post reminds me of how my Mum was five years ago - we've had some difficult times but also some laughs, I'm sure you will too.
Amy in the US, the book sounds interesting. I suppose I'd like to think that what I/we were doing was as morally right as possible.
The cheque book removal hasn't happened yet.
Yesterday morning we had a call from my brother in law who lives abroad. He'd asked his father on the phone about his spending £100 in a month on DVDs and his Dad had got very agitated. How did his (older) son know? Through the bank statements that my husband gets, he was told.
Then my father in law got agitated. Why were his two sons spying on him? Brother in law - who is one of those absent siblings who likes to lay down the law - told us it wasn't worth upsetting his Dad and he doesn't mind if it's only £100 a month spent.
My husband then went round to pick up his Dad and noticed that there was a newish looking DVD in the bin. He said, 'Oh did this fall off the table?' At which point his Dad said he'd begun watching it - but it hadn't been interesting.'
Normally he gives all the unwanted ones - of which there are many - to us. Because he thinks we'd like them. And we pass the great majority to Oxfam.
So the bin thing seemed like guilty (failed) concealment.
I think the cheque book removal is going to happen soon though....